Jokes

[GeneralHankerchief]

This one was done by Martyr in the backroom. Reposted with permission.

Bubba, a furniture dealer in West Virginia, wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store. Although he had never traveled outside the USA, he decided to go to Paris to get some ideas. After arriving in the French city he met with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home.
To celebrate the new acquisition he visited a small bistro and had a glass of wine. The small place was quite crowded, and he noticed that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair. He invited her to sit down.
He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language, so after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate, he took a napkin, drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her. After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up. Back at their table the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
To this day, Bubba has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

[Quid]

An email I got a while back. Thought it was rather amusing - and perhaps even true.

Research shows there are 7 kinds of sex:


The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when
you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the
face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been
with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex
anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been
with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you
usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been
with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway
you both say "screw you".

The 5th kind of sex is called: Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot
stand your wife/Hubby any more. She/He takes you to court and screws
you in front of everyone.

The 6th kind is called Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the
morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.

OOPS. Don't forget the 7th kid of sex - Social Security Sex. You get a
little each month. But not enough to live on!

Quid

[ZombieFriedNuts]

What’s worse than finding a slug in your salad

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Finding half a slug in your salad

[InsaneApache]

What’s worse than finding a slug in your salad

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Finding half a slug in your salad

I see you're going on the premise that the old ones are the best.

[ZombieFriedNuts]

Indeed, I was reminded of it earlier in the day when my brothers girlfriend found a slug in her diner

[Quid]

Another mail I have just received...

Apologies for the language...I thought, however, that it is just about passable...

9 Things I Hate About Everyone


1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

Quid

[naut]

I liked this one:

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.