Jokes

[Quid]

An amusing titbit I received in my inbox this morning...

Beer Study

Yesterday scientists for Health Canada suggested that, considering the
results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men should take a look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each within a one hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.

Quid

[Omanes Alexandrapolites]

[dacdac]

Women's Vocabulary...
Fine - This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

Five Minutes - This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

Nothing - This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine".

Go Ahead - (With Raised Eyebrows!) This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

Go Ahead - (Normal Eyebrows) This means "I give up" or "Do what you want because I don't care". You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

Loud Sigh - This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

Soft Sigh - Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

That's Okay - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow".

Please Do - This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

Thanks - A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say "You're welcome".

Thanks A Lot - This is much different from "Thanks". A woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh" as she will only tell you "Nothing".

[InsaneApache]

From the late, great Tommy Cooper...

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.


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A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog.
He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head.
Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: "Can I help, sir?"
"No thanks," says the blind bloke. "Just looking."


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Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you.
But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.


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"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.'
I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."


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"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him.
I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?'
He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'"


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"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"


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"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."


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"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?'
I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?'
I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'


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I went to Millets and said "I want to buy a tent."
He said "To camp?", I said (butchly) "Sorry, I want to buy a tent." I said "I also want to buy a caravan."
He said "Camper?"
I said (camply) "Make your mind up."


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So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"


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"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'.
And the dentist said to me 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'"


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"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said 'You are.'"


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"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"


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"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'
He said 'I'm not stopping you.'


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"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin."


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"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.'
And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

[dacdac]

We've all experienced deja vu in our lives, but did you know there are many variants of deja Vu that you may have throughout your life?
Deja boo: The feeling that I've been frightened like this before

Deja coup: The feeling my government has been overthrown like this before.

Deja clue: The feeling that colonel mustard has done it in the billiard room with the lead pipe before.

Deja do: The feeling my hairdresser has given me this cut before.

Deja eau: the feeling I've smelled this perfume before.

Deja fu: The feeling I've been kicked in the head like this before.

Deja who: The feeling I've known who was on first before.

Deja jew: The feeling I've wandered in the desert like this before.

Deja knew: The feeling that I remembered this information before (before the test, that was).

Deja loo: The feeling I've been to this bathroom before.

Deja moo: The feeling I've drank this milk before.

Deja mu: The feeling I've calculated the mean of this population before.

Deja new: The feeling I haven't experienced this before. (AKA, "Vuja De" - Nothing like this HAS EVER happened to me before.)

Deja ooh: The feeling I've exclaimed at these fireworks before.

Deja poo: The feeling I've stepped in this before.

Deja Q: The feeling I've encountered this entity before.

Deja rue: The feeling I've regretted this day before.

Deja stew: The feeling that this is made from the pot roast my mom served the week before.

Deja too: The feeling that I've experienced this before, also.

Deja two: The feeling that I've experienced this before, twice.

Deja woo: The feeling that heather has yelled at someone like this before.

Deja you: The feeling that YOU have experienced this before.

Deja zoo: The feeling that the monkey has done this in public before.

DUH-ja-vu: The feeling that the answer was so obvious, that you *surely* should have known it before. DUH!

[JimBob]

A man walk into a bar walking his pet newt. The bartender says, "Hey Mac, what's that?" The man says, "It's a newt, his name is Tiny." The bartender says, "Why's his name Tiny?" To which the man replies, "Cause he's My newt."

[Motep]

A man walk into a bar walking his pet newt. The bartender says, "Hey Mac, what's that?" The man says, "It's a newt, his name is Tiny." The bartender says, "Why's his name Tiny?" To which the man replies, "Cause he's My newt."

Ha!

And Do "Deja-Q" Nice startreck reference

[Geoffrey S]

Q: Why do communists only drink herbal tea?
A: Because proper tea is theft.

Pretty sure I've done that one before, but I digress.

[nokhor]

this one's humor is not so funny in the joke as in the situation. when my brother was about 11, one day he and i and his friend were sitting at our dining room table. my brother and i was on one side, and his friend was sitting across from us. behind my brother's friend was a long hallway. we were talking when my brother's friend says "hey, you guys want to hear a dirty joke?' as soon as he said that, at the far end of the hallway, my brother and i could see my mother walking towards us with some of her friends from church. and they were definitely within earshot and they were getting closer. so my brother and i tried desparately to signal his friend who had his back towards the ladies. we tried the fake cough thingy, we tried to subtly shake our heads but the friend was so intent on telling the joke, that he was oblivious to what we were trying to do.

to make a short story long, once the situation had reached about defcon 2 i began formulating my own extraction from the inevitable mess. i reckoned i would 'throw them under the bus' i began thinking fake moral indignation and was planning my 'outraged' looked at the two i was sitting with, on the forthcoming profanity. at defcon 1 with my mother and friends real close behind him, he finally said the clincher. the whole thing took about 10 seconds. he said 'want to hear a funny joke?' "pigs in mud." my brother, who had been preparing to meet his maker, look at him confused for about 2 seconds then busted out laughing. he laughed non stop for about a hour. and the friend was still completely oblivious about the goings on behind him that made the joke even funnier. he just thought my brother loved the joke.

[Bijo]

Here are some "dark ones" or cynical ones that aren't REALLY funny, unless you like cynicism or something... it could give you a smile on the face :P It's more about the tone / feel of a (real-life) situation which to me would be funny in a certain way ...and I'd actually be bold enough to be like this in real life


Q: What is the problem with humans?

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

A: They're human.

Man 1: Hey buddy! My fiancée is pregnant! Whaddaya t'ink o' dat?

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Man 2: Beh. Aren't there enough humans already? It's just another baby born into the world... nothing special.

OR

Man 1: Hey buddy! My fiancée is pregnant! Whaddaya t'ink o' dat?

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Man 2: So who made her pregnant?

NOTE: maybe a bit cruel or sexist, so view at your own risk.

A boy tells his mother he's going to go camping with his girlfriend.
Boy: Mom, I'm gonna go with Jessica. We're gonna camp in the woods.
Mother: Don't forget to bring a sleeping bag.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Boy: Arrgh... I already told you I'm going with Jessica!

[pevergreen]

Two men standing at the side of a building, a window is on the second story. The two men are named Sarge and Caboose. Sarge is wearing red, Caboose is wearing blue.

Sarge: Hmm, what are they doing in there...Caboose! Come over here, I need a boost!

Caboose: Ok. You are a nice person, people say good things about you.

Sarge: Not a morale boost, a physical one!

Caboose: I do not think you are tall enough to see through that window.

Sarge: Exactly. That's why I need your help.

Caboose: I do no think I am tall enough either.

Sarge: Idiot! I need a boost to see through.

Caboose: Also, my head is round, and that window is square.

Sarge: Uggh… come here bluetard.

Sarge props Caboose on his shoulders and Caboose peers round the room.

Sarge: What do you see?

Caboose: It has some walls, and some ceilings. No! Wait! Just one ceiling.

Sarge: No you idiot, not the room itself, what’s inside it!

Caboose looks at the 5 people dressed in blue chanting “Kill the reds! Kill the reds!” over and over.

Caboose: You are not going to like this….


How many chucks could a wood-chuck chuck if a wood-chuck could chuck norris?

Answer:

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

All of them.

[Andres]

A very bad joke:

Jim, Jack and Joe, three cowboys, were walking in the desert.

Jim asked Jack: "how much is 2+2?"
Jack answered: "why are you asking that, here, in the middle of the desert?"
Jim said: "Shut up! Answer the question: how much is 2+2?"
Jack answered: "that's 4!"

Bang! Bang!

Jim shoots Jack.
Joe asks Jim: "Why did you shoot Jack?"
Jim answers: "He knew too much!"


I'll grab my coat

[Moros]

A very bad joke:

Jim, Jack and Joe, three cowboys, were walking in the desert.

Jim asked Jack: "how much is 2+2?"
Jack answered: "why are you asking that, here, in the middle of the desert?"
Jim said: "Shut up! Answer the question: how much is 2+2?"
Jack answered: "that's 4!"

Bang! Bang!

Jim shoots Jack.
Joe asks Jim: "Why did you shoot Jack?"
Jim answers: "He knew too much!"


I'll grab my coat

...

[Sasaki Kojiro]

Can someone explain that one to me?

[Csargo]

Can someone explain that one to me?

I guess cowboys are really stupid where Andres comes from.

[Marshal Murat]

The Court of King George III
London, England

July 10, 1776
Mr. Thomas Jefferson
c/o The Continental Congress
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania Colony

Dear Mr. Jefferson:

We have read your "Declaration of Independence" with great interest. Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your statements do merit serious consideration. Unfortunately, the Declaration as a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications for proposals to the Crown, so we must return the document to you for further refinement. The questions which follow might assist you in your process of revision:

1. In your opening paragraph, you use the phrase ‘”the laws of Nature and Nature’s God.” What are these Laws? In what way are they the criteria on which you base your central arguments? Please document with citations from the recent literature.

2. In the same paragraph, you refer to the “opinion of Mankind.” Whose polling data are you using? Without specific evidence, it seems to us the “opinions of Mankind” are a matter of opinion.

3. You hold certain truths to be “self-evident.” Could you please elaborate? If they are as evident as you claim, then it should not be difficult for you to locate the appropriate supporting statistics.

4. “Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness” seem to be the goals of your proposal. These are not measurable goals. If you were to say that “among these is the ability to sustain an average life expectancy in six of the thirteen colonies of at least 55 years, and to enable newspapers in the colonies to print news without outside interference, and to raise the average income of said colonists by 10 percent in the next 10 years,” these could be measurable goals. Please clarify.

5. You state that “Whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of those ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or abolish it, and to institute a new government....” Have you weighed this assertion against all the alternatives? What are the tradeoff considerations?

6. Your description of the existing situation is quite extensive. Such a long list of grievances should precede the statement of goals, not follow it. Your problem statement needs improvement.

7. Your strategy for achieving your goal is not developed at all. You state that the colonies “ought to be Free and Independent States.” and that they are “Absolved from All Allegiance to the British Crown.” Who or what must change to achieve this objective? In what way must they change? What specific steps will you take to overcome the resistance? How long will it take? We have found that a little foresight in these areas helps to prevent careless errors later on. How cost-effective are your strategies?

8. Who among the list of signatories will be responsible for implementing your strategy? Who conceived it? Who provided the theoretical research? Who will constitute the advisory committee? Please submit an organizational chart and vitas of the principal investigator.

9. You must include an evaluation design. We have been requiring this since Queen Anne’s War.

10. What impact will your Declaration have? Your failure to include any assessment of this inspires little confidence in the long-range prospects of your undertaking.

11. Please submit a PERT diagram, an activity chart, an itemized budget, and a manpower utilization matrix.

We hope that these comments will prove useful in revising your “Declaration of Independence.” We welcome the submission of your revised proposal. Our due date for unsolicited proposals is July 31, 1776. Ten copies with original signatures will be required.

Sincerely,

Management Analyst to His Majesty King George III.

Comedic

[Prince Cobra]

Thank you, drone. It seems my sense of humour decided to show off here in the org. I rarely do this here unlike in the real life... enough advertising! Anyway, let this be a little refresh of this thread. Hope you like them.

So the first one... A Bulgarian delegation visits the White House with a strange offer for the American government. The Bulgarian government had decided to buy the most modern weapon USA has. Of course, the Americans are aware of the fact Bulgaria is a post communistic country and though a member of NATO and recently of the European Union is a relatively poor country. And of course the Bulgarian delegation is asked how they will buy the weapons.

' We will make an exchange,' the leading diplomat of the Bulgarians said, ' You will give us the weapons but we... politicians with the same power of destruction.'

-----
Just a glance on the Bulgarian history will prove it. Hope the future will be the different.

----

Another one.

In the socialist period of Bulgaria (1944-1989), the leading doctrine was the communism ( communism is when a full equality is achieved in the society). Something typical for the socialist countries (fortunately never become communistic, though the socialism is the phase before communism according to Charles Marx; actually it's an totalitarian regime of the Communist Party behind all these sweet words) is the difference between theory and practice. And since the Bulgarian likes to look at the reality with a sense of humour... here what happened

So somewhere during this socialistic period, one peasant felt confused: he lived in country that was determined to achieve the Communism but he did not know what Communism means. And since the man was very loyal to the Communist Party and voted for it in every elections (though it was the only party that participated in the elections and the vote was obligatory). And yet he did not know what is communism. He asked his wife but what a tragedy - she did not know! Then he decided to ask the local representative of the Party or so called local secretary of the Party. So he went to the secretary,

' Comrade Secretary, could you tell me what is communism?'

The secretary smiled. He knew he had to explain it in a simple way.

' Comrade, do you see my expensive shoes? When your poor sandals became like my shoes - this is communism!'

Happy from what he had heard the peasant went to his wife

' Darling, now I know what is Communism! '

The wife also became happy she knew the purpose of her life and forced her senses to hear her husband.

' Darling, I will explain you what is Communism... Have you seen the expensive shoes of the secretary... When his shoes became like my poor sandals this is communism!'

[Orb]

'The Court of King George III
London, England...'

Funniest. Post. Ever.

[Warluster]

This one might've been posted already.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Theres a Australian,American and Japanese sitting in a Sauna. All of a sudden a buzzing sound could be heard and the American starts talking to someone. Then he says bye.
'What was that?' asks the Australian,
'I ahve a phone installed into my ear' says the American. When all of a sudden a droning is heard. Its the Japanese guy.
'What was that?' asks the Australian,
'I ahev a pager installed into my head' says the Japanese. All of a sudden the Australian needs to go the toliet. When he comes back a bit of toliet paper is hanging from his crack.
'YOu have a bit of toleit paper hanging from you' says the American.
'No,no, that a fax machine' replies the Australian

[dacdac]

okay, these are bad. sorry ahead of time
Michael Jackson and Debbie were in the maternity ward just after Debbie gave birth to their first child. Michael asked her "How long do you think it will be before we can have sex?" Debbie replied, "Jeez Michael, give it a chance to walk first!"

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've
learned."
The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"
"Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."
He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are
sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."

There was a blonde, a brunette and a red head. They were all sitting in a hair salon talking about their daughters. The brunette says,
"I was lookin throuh my daughter's purse and I found a pack of cigarettes! Do you believe that my daughter smokes!!
So then the redhead says, "Oh my gosh, I was looking through my daughter's purse and i found alcohol! Do you believe she's been drinking!!
So then the blond says "I was looking through my daughter's purse and I found a condom! Do you believe my daughter has a penis?!"

A guy is walking along the beach, when he meets a girl with no legs, crying.
"Why are you crying?" he asks.
"I've never been hugged," she says. The guy hugs her, but she continues crying.
"Why are you crying?" he asks.
"I've never been kissed," she says. The guy kisses her, but she continues crying.
"Why are you crying?" he asks.
"I've never been screwed," she says. The guy picks her up and throws her into the water.
"There," he says. "Now you're screwed."

On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to economy since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving. Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving." The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what to do about her. The captain said, I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this. He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section mumbling to herself, Why didn't anyone just say so? Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York.

[Csargo]

(Deleted hotlink pic - Beirut)

[edyzmedieval]

Bijo, you cracked my night and woke my neighbours at 4 in the morning.

[Orb]

Pinched from another forum:

This was a real memo sent out by IBM to its employees
in all seriousness. It went to all field engineers
about a computer peripheral problem.

"If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform
erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse
balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement
Units). Because of the delicate nature of this
procedure, a replacement of mouse balls should only be
attempted by properly trained personnel. Before
proceeding,

determine the type of mouse balls by
examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls
will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball
removal procedures differ depending upon the
manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be
replaced using the pop off method. Dom estic balls are
replaced by using the twist off method. Mouse balls
are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive
handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be
used immediately. It is recommended that each person
have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum
customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls
should contact the local personnel in charge of
removing and replacing these necessary items.

Please keep in mind that a customer without properly
working balls is an unhappy customer."

[King Henry V]

Petition to Revoke the Independence of the United States of America

To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.

Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair MP, for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections.

The House of Representatives and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'; skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.

You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."

You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary." Using the same thirty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "uhh", "like", and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

Look up "interspersed."

There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).

You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents --- Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.

While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness. Popular British films such as the Italian Job and the Wicker Man should never be remade.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football." There are other types of football such as Rugby, Aussie Rules & Gaelic football. However proper football - which will no longer be known as soccer, is the best known, most loved and most popular. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.

The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).

We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2008.

You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of North America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. The 4th of July is no longer a public holiday. The 2nd of November will be a new national holiday, but only in Britain. It will be called "Indecisive Day."

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call 'French fries' are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.

Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling "beer" is not actually beer at all, it is lager . From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From the 10th of November the UK will harmonise petrol (or "gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it until the 1st of April) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon -- get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.

[edyzmedieval]

Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Discriminatory!!!

Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair MP, for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections.

There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won't have to use bad language as often.

For 97.85 it's true...

You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents --- Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.

That's British humor 101%...

Popular British films such as the Italian Job and the Wicker Man should never be remade.

I sign this petition right now...

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

Stop it please, my belly hurts!!!

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call 'French fries' are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.

Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

German law in America = Democracy in North Korea.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

This is worse than excommunication.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

SO this is actually the point of this, ain't it?

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

This is totally hilarious!!!

[Marshal Murat]

Just try to take those taxes!
(Cocks the shotgun)

[Crazed Rabbit]

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

Nope, all you get is Hugh Grant.

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

Funny, you don't mention British car companies...

Thank you for your co-operation.

*America looks over this farcical document, then says 'No."*
*Britain says, 'But, er...'*
*America says, ' Now you get on out and be a good little regional power'*
*Britain slinks away dejectedly after saying 'Yes sir'*



Crazed Rabbit

[seireikhaan]

Okay, here's a pretty bad one.

Three people schedule an afternoon to have lunch together in a hot air balloon. After leaving, they wait a little while before opening their lunches.

The first person opens his lunch and finds a sharp knife. He doesn't need it, so he throws it out the balloon.

The second person opens his lunch and finds a sharp knife. He doesn't need it, so he throws it out the balloon.

The third person opens his lunch and finds a ticking bomb, so he chucks it out the balloon as fast as he can.

Later, they finish and return to their homes. The first person comes home and finds his mom crying. He asks what's wrong. She replies "Your father was killed this afternoon. A knife fell from the sky and killed him."

The second person comes home and finds his father crying. He asks what's wrong. The father replies "Your mother was killed this afternoon. A knife fell from the sky and killed her."

The third person comes home and finds his dad laughing on the couch. He asks what's so funny. The dad replies "I farted and the house next door blew up!"

[edyzmedieval]

I felt the need for some bad jokes.

@CR

Why should they? They're even crappier than the American ones. (except Bentley, Rolls Royce and Aston Martin)

[Don Corleone]

A teacher was asking her students what their fathers' did for a living.

"Mine's a truckdriver", little Tommy said.

"My dad is a dentist" Susie exclaimed.

"Nice, nice, very nice children", the teacher cooed, going around the room to each child in turn. Coming to the last one she asked "And you Jimmy, what does your father do?"

Jimmy looked absoutely humiliated. He weakly uttered "My dad is an exotic dancer at a gay bar. He shuffles around in a gold g-string and drunken middle-aged homosexuals stuff dollars down it. Sometimes, when we really need the money, he lets one of them take him home and have their way with him".

Horrified, the teacher sends all the other kids out to recess. "Jimmy, is that really true, what you said about your father?" she asked.

"No", Jimmy dejectedly admitted.

"Then why did you say such a thing?" she asked.

"Because I couldn't bring myself to tell the kids my Dad plays for the New York Yankees"