Jokes

[edyzmedieval]

A teacher was asking her students what their fathers' did for a living.

"Mine's a truckdriver", little Tommy said.

"My dad is a dentist" Susie exclaimed.

"Nice, nice, very nice children", the teacher cooed, going around the room to each child in turn. Coming to the last one she asked "And you Jimmy, what does your father do?"

Jimmy looked absoutely humiliated. He weakly uttered "My dad is an exotic dancer at a gay bar. He shuffles around in a gold g-string and drunken middle-aged homosexuals stuff dollars down it. Sometimes, when we really need the money, he lets one of them take him home and have their way with him".

Horrified, the teacher sends all the other kids out to recess. "Jimmy, is that really true, what you said about your father?" she asked.

"No", Jimmy dejectedly admitted.

"Then why did you say such a thing?" she asked.

"Because I couldn't bring myself to tell the kids my Dad plays for the New York Yankees"

How crude.

[sapi]

A teacher was asking her students what their fathers' did for a living.

"Mine's a truckdriver", little Tommy said.

"My dad is a dentist" Susie exclaimed.

"Nice, nice, very nice children", the teacher cooed, going around the room to each child in turn. Coming to the last one she asked "And you Jimmy, what does your father do?"

Jimmy looked absoutely humiliated. He weakly uttered "My dad is an exotic dancer at a gay bar. He shuffles around in a gold g-string and drunken middle-aged homosexuals stuff dollars down it. Sometimes, when we really need the money, he lets one of them take him home and have their way with him".

Horrified, the teacher sends all the other kids out to recess. "Jimmy, is that really true, what you said about your father?" she asked.

"No", Jimmy dejectedly admitted.

"Then why did you say such a thing?" she asked.

"Because I couldn't bring myself to tell the kids my Dad plays for the New York Yankees"

Heard that about 20 times with different punchlines (last one was, aptly, the English Cricket Team)

[seireikhaan]

Petition to Revoke the Independence of the United States of America

[SIZE="7"]

You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of North America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

Very funny, but wrong. Baseball is also played in east Asia. Japan is particularly good at it. In fact, Japan won the World Baseball Classic, beating Cuba in the title game. The USA didn't even get to the finals. It seems that only 2.15% of Brits know know that there is a world beyond SOCCER and Europe. Oh, and who killed JFK? That's an easy one. I DID! Bwahaha!

[seireikhaan]

Please keep in mind that a customer without properly
working balls is an unhappy customer."

Yikes. No kidding.

[sapi]

Very funny, but wrong. Baseball is also played in east Asia. Japan is particularly good at it. In fact, Japan won the World Baseball Classic, beating Cuba in the title game. The USA didn't even get to the finals. It seems that only 2.15% of Brits know know that there is a world beyond SOCCER and Europe. Oh, and who killed JFK? That's an easy one. I DID! Bwahaha!

Seriously, I hate to tell you, but the only countries that play baseball or gridiron are those that were occupied by the USA and forced to

[Boyar Son]

Man, cant I do anything without having a British guy telling me what or how I should do it?? -K COSSACK

[Boyar Son]

Petition to Revoke the Independence of the United States of America

To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.

Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair MP, for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections.

The House of Representatives and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'; skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.

You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."

You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary." Using the same thirty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "uhh", "like", and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

Look up "interspersed."

There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).

You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents --- Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.

While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness. Popular British films such as the Italian Job and the Wicker Man should never be remade.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football." There are other types of football such as Rugby, Aussie Rules & Gaelic football. However proper football - which will no longer be known as soccer, is the best known, most loved and most popular. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.

The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).

We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2008.

You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of North America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. The 4th of July is no longer a public holiday. The 2nd of November will be a new national holiday, but only in Britain. It will be called "Indecisive Day."

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call 'French fries' are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.

Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling "beer" is not actually beer at all, it is lager . From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From the 10th of November the UK will harmonise petrol (or "gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it until the 1st of April) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon -- get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.

We here by refuse to have a new leader. At least this one doesnt take orders.

Queen Elizebeth would wet herself in the thought of actually governing, but we have interest in taking the day off so have the coach of your soccer team to manage, he'll do a much better job.

The USA knows there are others around the world, why do you think we pwn all who oppose us?

I revoke the changing of the pronounciation of aluminum.

We'll change our vocabulary knoweledge if you get rid of "bugger of" and "bloody", every thing is bloody to you guys.

We spelled Pittsburgh the way it is because we knew the English cant cope with a different spelled word that sounds the same.

As for #3: we call 'em like we hear 'em.

English actors will be used for movies that are about the Revolution.

Also, why would we want God to save the Queen? God save your heathen idol worshiping.

Football is popular here, and is fun with real American athletes, not the euro copying the game then wonders why should they catch with their hands instead of kicking a ball around for hours. If you try the game, you'll probably wince because of the bruises you have, or worse, curse the game and blame the Americans for being so good at it and liking it.

Playing without protection are what the mentally ill do(please keep them safely secure)

We will keep the right not to house any British soldier though, lest he talks about the unimportant Queen or tea tax.

The 4 of July will be kept, also, the war of 1812 will be marked as an after party.

No car can beat the style of the Impala or the rugedness of Ford. So we'll keep things as is.

Intersection will be kept, unless we want another version of the merry go round.

Thick patatoe, warm beer? how do you live man?!?!?!

American beer will will always trump that washed down "bitter" (the name speaks for itself).

We will keep the gas prices as is, and the name too; get used to it.

We will keep the therapists, so we wont go mad like some of you, keep our weopons just incase you try pulling a fast one on us, and keep our lawers to sue British tourists for lousy reasons.

We already said who shot JFK, cant you stop watching soccer for one minute?

Our taxes have been paid in the form of crest and colgate along with listerine, you know, good ol' American dentistry. We will send more since British teeth are a little more susceptible to plaque, thus making women more attractive? sound like a plan.

A copy of this will be made in large print for the Queen (no King?)

[InsaneApache]

I hate to break it to you, but Sapi isn't a Brit.

BTW this is a joke thread, if you really feel the need to vent your spleen, may I invite you to post in the backroom.

[sapi]

Hey, I take offense at being called a brit

Anyways,

[Boyar Son]

I hate to break it to you, but Sapi isn't a Brit.

BTW this is a joke thread, if you really feel the need to vent your spleen, may I invite you to post in the backroom.

What? I'm not flaming him

[King Henry V]

We here by refuse to have a new leader. At least this one doesnt take orders.

Queen Elizebeth would wet herself in the thought of actually governing, but we have interest in taking the day off so have the coach of your soccer team to manage, he'll do a much better job.

The USA knows there are others around the world, why do you think we pwn all who oppose us?

I revoke the changing of the pronounciation of aluminum.

We'll change our vocabulary knoweledge if you get rid of "bugger of" and "bloody", every thing is bloody to you guys.

We spelled Pittsburgh the way it is because we knew the English cant cope with a different spelled word that sounds the same.

As for #3: we call 'em like we hear 'em.

English actors will be used for movies that are about the Revolution.

Also, why would we want God to save the Queen? God save your heathen idol worshiping.

Football is popular here, and is fun with real American athletes, not the euro copying the game then wonders why should they catch with their hands instead of kicking a ball around for hours. If you try the game, you'll probably wince because of the bruises you have, or worse, curse the game and blame the Americans for being so good at it and liking it.

Playing without protection are what the mentally ill do(please keep them safely secure)

We will keep the right not to house any British soldier though, lest he talks about the unimportant Queen or tea tax.

The 4 of July will be kept, also, the war of 1812 will be marked as an after party.

No car can beat the style of the Impala or the rugedness of Ford. So we'll keep things as is.

Intersection will be kept, unless we want another version of the merry go round.

Thick patatoe, warm beer? how do you live man?!?!?!

American beer will will always trump that washed down "bitter" (the name speaks for itself).

We will keep the gas prices as is, and the name too; get used to it.

We will keep the therapists, so we wont go mad like some of you, keep our weopons just incase you try pulling a fast one on us, and keep our lawers to sue British tourists for lousy reasons.

We already said who shot JFK, cant you stop watching soccer for one minute?

Our taxes have been paid in the form of crest and colgate along with listerine, you know, good ol' American dentistry. We will send more since British teeth are a little more susceptible to plaque, thus making women more attractive? sound like a plan.

A copy of this will be made in large print for the Queen (no King?)

Touchy, aren't we?

[edyzmedieval]

We'll change our vocabulary knoweledge if you get rid of "bugger of" and "bloody", every thing is bloody to you guys.

Direct hit. 16-1 for UK.

We spelled Pittsburgh the way it is because we knew the English cant cope with a different spelled word that sounds the same.

16-2...

Football is popular here, and is fun with real American athletes, not the euro copying the game then wonders why should they catch with their hands instead of kicking a ball around for hours. If you try the game, you'll probably wince because of the bruises you have, or worse, curse the game and blame the Americans for being so good at it and liking it.

Well, rugby is much more hard than that sissy sport, called NFL.

Playing without protection are what the mentally ill do(please keep them safely secure)

Not actually, they show that they are MEN!

No car can beat the style of the Impala or the rugedness of Ford. So we'll keep things as is.

Uuu, pimp alert.

Thick patatoe, warm beer? how do you live man?!?!?!

Like men.

We will keep the therapists, so we wont go mad like some of you, keep our weopons just incase you try pulling a fast one on us, and keep our lawers to sue British tourists for lousy reasons.

16-3.

We already said who shot JFK, cant you stop watching soccer for one minute?

WOOOO!!! That's hard!!!
16-6.

Our taxes have been paid in the form of crest and colgate along with listerine, you know, good ol' American dentistry. We will send more since British teeth are a little more susceptible to plaque, thus making women more attractive? sound like a plan.

Double kill!!!

16-9

A copy of this will be made in large print for the Queen (no King?)

Triple Kill!

16-12.

So, in conclusion ladies & gents, UK wins by 16-12.

[Boyar Son]

No! foul, uuh... overtime!... redo?

EDIT(for those who think I'm angry):What comon I'm not mad! I thought it would be a good idea to spoof others like comedians do!

[King Henry V]

Pray forgive me for my mistake then, it was just that your comments reminded me of the comments I saw on facebook where this was posted, where the gist of many posts made in response by Americans was that the British were a bunch of toothless, crumpet-eating, masturbating fairies

[Boyar Son]

Well..mine was the best!
+1 post!

I think the funniest type of comedy is to insult others, and others insulting in kind. Besides Americans and Europeans always insult each other.

We soo need to insult each other, Soccer fan fights anyone??


(Posting "+1" = +1 Warning Points - Beirut)

[InsaneApache]

Pray forgive me for my mistake then, it was just that your comments reminded me of the comments I saw on facebook where this was posted, where the gist of many posts made in response by Americans was that the British were a bunch of toothless, crumpet-eating, masturbating fairies

Bloody hell, flippin' heck, bugger me...we've been sussed at last.

[Gawain of Orkeny]

Here's one we used to tease my father with:

How many Vietnam vets does it take to screw in a light bulb? Do you know?

Careful there

Looks for Kafir

Theres still a few of us cusses lurkin about here.

[Beirut]

Everyone be nice, please.

[edyzmedieval]

Everyone be nice, please.

Everytime I see this, it makes me feel fuzzy.

[Omanes Alexandrapolites]

In a fine restaurant a couple named Beatrice (65) and Bert (60) are celebrating their fortieth wedding anniversary since the start of their happy marriage.

To thank them for being loyal to each other for all these years a fairy come to grant each one a wish. Beatrice says "I love my husband so much, we have loved each other unconditionally for the past forty years, and I really want to say thank you to my wonderful husband for everything he has done for me, henceforth, I wish that I had the money to grant him everything materialistic that he could ever possibly desire." The fairy grants the wish and thousands of fifty pounds notes appear in her pocket.

The husband, however, wishes for something a little more selfish. "I have loved you wife for all these years, yet now, you are getting much too old for me. So, I wish that I had a wife who was forty years younger than me." The fairy sighed, but she granted him his wish all the same - however, not quite as he imagined:

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Bert became 105

________________

There were three men - a man named Robert, a man named John, and a man named Luke. They had been captured by the policeman named Henry and had to serve twenty years in prison. The policeman, however, was having a very good day so decided to grant them one wish each before he placed them in their prison cells for their crimes. Robert wished for his wife, so his wife was brought and placed in the cell with her English husband. John wished for beer, so thousands of cans of beer were brought to his cell and he was locked inside. The Luke wished for cigarettes, so thousands of packets of cigarettes were brought to his cell and he was locked inside.

Twenty years later, Robert came out with fifty children and his wife, alive and well. John came out drunk and staggering as he walked, having drunk many cans of beer within his cell. Luke came out un-harmed, but saying:

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Does anybody have a lighter

________________

Terrible jokes, but I'm hopeless with this sort of thing.

[Warmaster Horus]

Not bad Omanes, but in the spoiler tag it should be 10 more for the first one.

[Omanes Alexandrapolites]

Not bad Omanes, but in the spoiler tag it should be 10 more for the first one.

Oops sorry, I've fixed it.

[Caius]

Love the first one, Omanes

[Omanes Alexandrapolites]

Thanks Caius
__________________

Why did Moses lose the race?

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Because God told him to come fourth

__________________

[Marshal Murat]

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby
English will be the official language of the European Union rather
than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that
English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a
5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will
make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in
favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have
one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond
year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will
make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted
to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have
always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag
is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th"
with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords
kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu
understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in
ze forst plas

I like the proposal.

A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon
an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of
the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The
Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the
squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.


The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the
highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw
each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. "I yelled
to him that Saddam Hussein is a miserable, lowlife scumbag, and he
yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a good-for-nothing, fat, left wing
liberal drunk." "So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a
frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, Oh yeah? Well,
so does Hillary Clinton!" "And, there we were, in the middle of the
road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us".

All in good humor for those who support either Kennedy or Clinton.
Beirut, edit at your leisure.

[TevashSzat]

This was taken from the Darwin awards

Accident Report
This one needs an introduction, so you won't be lost at the beginning. This man was in an accident at work, so he filled out an insurance claim. The insurance company contacted him and asked for more information. This was his response:

"I am writing in response to your request for additional information, for block number 3 of the accident reporting form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust the following detail will be sufficient. I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80-foot tower. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now unneeded tools and material down by hand, I decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using the pulley attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower. Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and material into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow decent of the 300 pounds of tools."


"You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form that I weigh only 155 pounds. Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel."

"Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed approximately 20 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, and the lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools and, fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools, in pain, unable to stand and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind. I let go of the rope..."

[sapi]

They tested that on Mythbusters a while back.

bs was the conclusion, unfortunately

The Darwin awards are usually fact checked, too...

[Andres]

***Bump***

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman who was suffering from Alzheimer's. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldn't handle him any longer. He would wander about never knowing where he was or sometimes even who he was. She took him to a nursing home.

At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly the man starting slowly leaning to his left. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up.

A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right.
Again, the nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side.

Then he starting leaning forward.
This time, the nurse strapped him into the chair.

About this time, his wife, having completed the paperwork, walked up to him and asked, "How do you like the place?"

"It's okay," he said. "But, they won't let me fart!"

[Caius]

***Bump***

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman who was suffering from Alzheimer's. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldn't handle him any longer. He would wander about never knowing where he was or sometimes even who he was. She took him to a nursing home.

At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly the man starting slowly leaning to his left. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up.

A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right.
Again, the nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side.

Then he starting leaning forward.
This time, the nurse strapped him into the chair.

About this time, his wife, having completed the paperwork, walked up to him and asked, "How do you like the place?"

"It's okay," he said. "But, they won't let me fart!"

[Bijo]

In a fine restaurant a couple named Beatrice (65) and Bert (60) are celebrating their fortieth wedding anniversary since the start of their happy marriage.

To thank them for being loyal to each other for all these years a fairy come to grant each one a wish. Beatrice says "I love my husband so much, we have loved each other unconditionally for the past forty years, and I really want to say thank you to my wonderful husband for everything he has done for me, henceforth, I wish that I had the money to grant him everything materialistic that he could ever possibly desire." The fairy grants the wish and thousands of fifty pounds notes appear in her pocket.

The husband, however, wishes for something a little more selfish. "I have loved you wife for all these years, yet now, you are getting much too old for me. So, I wish that I had a wife who was forty years younger than me." The fairy sighed, but she granted him his wish all the same - however, not quite as he imagined:

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Bert became 105

Great!