Jokes

[InsaneApache]

To: John Hinckley
From: Mrs. Nancy ReaganMy family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know that we bear no grudge against you for shooting President Reagan.
We are fully aware that mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We're confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive man.
Best wishes, Nancy Reagan & Family

P.S. While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look into that.

[Hooahguy]

A vulture walks onto an airplane with two animals under his wings. The flight attendant politely said, "Im sorry sir, only one carrion per passenger."

[InsaneApache]

A man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade.

Realising his employer wont be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do?

Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything.
He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure. He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.

By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"







The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees."

[LeftEyeNine]

Wow, Kaiser of Arabia, is he even alive, I wonder.

[gaelic cowboy]

Two fellas john and mick go moose hunting in the wilds and bag six big ones.

The plane arrives and the pilot refuses to take more than two.

The two hunters are annoyed and relate to the pilot how last year the pilot took six onboard no problem.

The take off and about an hour in they crash into a mountain.

One hunter turns to the other "where are we mick", the other hunter replies "I dunno john I think were close to where we crashed last year".

[InsaneApache]

A woman in a hot air balloon realised she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am.'

The man below replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.'

'You must be an Engineer,' said the balloonist.

'I am,' replied the man, 'how did you know?'

'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip by your talk.'

The man below responded, 'You must be in Management.'

'I am,' replied the balloonist, 'but how did you know?'

'Well,' said the man, 'you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault.'

[InsaneApache]

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon arrival the doctor said they were testing a new machine which would transfer some of the mothers pain to the baby’s father. He asked if they were interested. Both said yes. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% to start with, explaining that even that level was probably more than the father had ever experienced. But as the labour progressed the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to crank it up a notch. So the doctor adjusted the pain transfer to 20%. The husband was still feeling fine. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel OK. Since the pain transfer was helping his wife considerably the hubby told the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. His wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none. On arriving home they found the milkman dead on the doorstep….