Jokes

[InsaneApache]

A male patient is lying in a hospital bed, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A pretty young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. “Nurse,”‘ he mumbles from behind the mask, “are my testicles black?” Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, Sir – I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.” He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?” Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, “There’s nothing wrong with them Sir. They look fine.” The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, “Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:

Are – my – test – results – back?”

[Ibrahim]

tough thread: most of the jokes I know only make sense in Arabic. but here are a few that I think will get survive translation intact:

why did a hamburger, a french fry, and a Pepsi, run down the street?

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

they were a fast meal!

(lame, I know)


a khaleeli* fell from the roof of a building, and so the people who saw this gathered round where he fell. when he got up, they asked him "what happened?", to which he said: "I don't know--I just got here!"

another khaleeli fell from a bus, but was unscathed. his dad was told about it, but before being told the son was unharmed was given this reply: "OK: what about the road--is it damaged?"

a khaleeli was walking down the street. a police wagon came by to pick him up for questioning. when it pulled over, the khaleeli saw this, and said to the police: "thanks guys! but my house is just ahead!"

a short man married a short woman: they left behind a son whom they had to hang on his medal.

Once Juha was found in the desert, digging a hole in the ground. There were several other holes nearby, all dug by him. The man who found him asked: "why are you digging all these holes?". Juha replied: "I'm looking for a chest of gold I buried". the man asks: "didn't you mark the site?", to which Juha replied: "yes, I did: a cloud that was directly above the site, but for some reason, I can't find it!"

one day, juha was invited to make a khutba to a congregation. He rose to the minbar, and asked: "do you know what I am going to say?". the audience unanimously said: "no". At this, he said: "I do not want to speak to people who don't know what I'll be talking about!", and left. puzzled at this, the congregation agreed to say "yes" next time. So when Nasreddin came to do another khutba, and asked the same question, they all replied: "yes!". At this, Nasreddin replied: "then you don't need me to tell you!", and promptly left. at this, the people discussed how to get him to make a full khutba, and agreed to execute the plan next time. certainly enough, Nasruddin came to deliver one more khutba, and asked the same question. At this, half the congregation said "yes", the other half, said "no". At this, Nasreddin casually replied: "very well: the half who know, go tell the half who don't", and promptly left.

*a man from here: it's where my dad's side happens to be from. funny jokes are funny jokes though

[InsaneApache]

“You’re charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.”
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, “You bastard!”
The judge says, “You’re also charged with beating your Mother-in-law to death with a hammer.” The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, “You rotten bastard!” The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom,

“Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes but no more outbursts from you or I’ll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?”

The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, “I’m Sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I’ve lived next door to that bastard and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one.”

[InsaneApache]

An atheist was walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!' he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look and saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer.

He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him...

At that instant the Atheist cried out 'Oh my God!'

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Why do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?'

The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?

'Very well,' said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed and the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:

'For what I am about to receive, may the Lord make me truly thankful, Amen.'

[Hooahguy]

What is Harry Potters favorite method of getting down a hill?

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Walking.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

JK, rolling.

[PROVOST]

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. “Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in” says the man.

“Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”

“Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,” says the senator.

“I'm sorry, but we have our rules.”

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises... The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. ”Now it's time to visit heaven.”

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

“Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.”

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: “Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.”

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

“I don't understand,” stammers the senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?”

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, “Yesterday we were campaigning...... Today you voted.”

[Vuk]

What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?

Pregnant.