Page 17 of 17 FirstFirst ... 71314151617
Results 481 to 499 of 499

Thread: Jokes

  1. #481
    Clan Clan InsaneApache's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2002
    Location
    Grand Duchy of Yorkshire
    Posts
    8,636

    Default Re: Jokes

    A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the M25. Nothing is moving.

    Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, ‘What’s going on?’

    ‘Terrorists down the road have hijacked a coach containing the Prime Minister David Cameron and his top aides Nick Clegg, George Osborne and Theresa May. They’re asking for a £10 million ransom. Otherwise they’re going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire.. We’re going from car to car, taking up a collection.

    ‘The driver asks, ‘How much is everyone giving, on average?

    ‘Well, most people are giving about a gallon.’
    There are times I wish they’d just ban everything- baccy and beer, burgers and bangers, and all the rest- once and for all. Instead, they creep forward one apparently tiny step at a time. It’s like being executed with a bacon slicer.

    “Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy.”

    To learn who rules over you, simply find out who you are not allowed to criticise.

    "The purpose of a university education for Left / Liberals is to attain all the politically correct attitudes towards minorties, and the financial means to live as far away from them as possible."

  2. #482
    Clan Clan InsaneApache's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2002
    Location
    Grand Duchy of Yorkshire
    Posts
    8,636

    Default Re: Jokes

    Jokes about German sausage are the wurst .

    A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

    I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. But he says he can stop any time.

    I'm reading a book about anti-gravity and I can't put it down.

    PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

    I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

    I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

    What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

    England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
    There are times I wish they’d just ban everything- baccy and beer, burgers and bangers, and all the rest- once and for all. Instead, they creep forward one apparently tiny step at a time. It’s like being executed with a bacon slicer.

    “Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy.”

    To learn who rules over you, simply find out who you are not allowed to criticise.

    "The purpose of a university education for Left / Liberals is to attain all the politically correct attitudes towards minorties, and the financial means to live as far away from them as possible."

    Members thankful for this post (5):



  3. #483
    Just another Member rajpoot's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Location
    Neverland
    Posts
    2,809

    Default Re: Jokes

    Excellent one liners


    The horizon is nothing save the limit of our sight.

  4. #484

    Default Re: Jokes

    Ron Paul.


  5. #485
    Clan Clan InsaneApache's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2002
    Location
    Grand Duchy of Yorkshire
    Posts
    8,636

    Default Re: Jokes

    It was a Scotland/Wales rugby International weekend in Edinburgh and as the crowds made their way Princess Street towards Murrayfield, a Rottweiler suddenly lunged towards an eight year old Scottish lass, with its jaws wide open ready to attack.

    The crowd nearby gasped in horror but, quick as a flash, a man in red jumped out of the crowd, grabbed the dog by the throat and throttled it.

    As the dead dog lay there, and the crowd cheered in admiration, a journalist from a well-known Scottish newspaper who had witnessed the heroic deed, went up to the man and said:

    'That was brilliant, I can see the headline now –
    'Welsh Rugby Fan Saves Young Girl From Certain Death'.
    The man replied, 'No you've got it wrong. I'm not here for the rugby!'

    'Don't worry' said the journalist, 'I can see the headline now –
    'Welshman Saves Girl From Jaws Of Rottweiler'.

    The man replied, 'No you're wrong again. I'm not Welsh; I'm from London .'

    The journalist said, 'Don't worry; I can see the headline now –
    'English ******* Strangles Family Pet'.
    There are times I wish they’d just ban everything- baccy and beer, burgers and bangers, and all the rest- once and for all. Instead, they creep forward one apparently tiny step at a time. It’s like being executed with a bacon slicer.

    “Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy.”

    To learn who rules over you, simply find out who you are not allowed to criticise.

    "The purpose of a university education for Left / Liberals is to attain all the politically correct attitudes towards minorties, and the financial means to live as far away from them as possible."

    Member thankful for this post:



  6. #486
    Clan Clan InsaneApache's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2002
    Location
    Grand Duchy of Yorkshire
    Posts
    8,636

    Default Re: Jokes

    The CSIR has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element is Governmentium (Gv). It has one neutron, 35 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

    These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lefton-like particles called peons.

    Since Governmentium has no electrons or protons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

    A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction normally taking less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years. It does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

    In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

    This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

    When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

    All of the money is consumed in the exchange, and no other byproducts are produced.
    There are times I wish they’d just ban everything- baccy and beer, burgers and bangers, and all the rest- once and for all. Instead, they creep forward one apparently tiny step at a time. It’s like being executed with a bacon slicer.

    “Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy.”

    To learn who rules over you, simply find out who you are not allowed to criticise.

    "The purpose of a university education for Left / Liberals is to attain all the politically correct attitudes towards minorties, and the financial means to live as far away from them as possible."

    Members thankful for this post (2):



  7. #487
    Clan Clan InsaneApache's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2002
    Location
    Grand Duchy of Yorkshire
    Posts
    8,636

    Default Re: Jokes

    A male patient is lying in a hospital bed, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A pretty young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. “Nurse,”‘ he mumbles from behind the mask, “are my testicles black?” Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, Sir – I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.” He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?” Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, “There’s nothing wrong with them Sir. They look fine.” The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, “Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:

    Are – my – test – results – back?”
    There are times I wish they’d just ban everything- baccy and beer, burgers and bangers, and all the rest- once and for all. Instead, they creep forward one apparently tiny step at a time. It’s like being executed with a bacon slicer.

    “Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy.”

    To learn who rules over you, simply find out who you are not allowed to criticise.

    "The purpose of a university education for Left / Liberals is to attain all the politically correct attitudes towards minorties, and the financial means to live as far away from them as possible."

    Members thankful for this post (9):

    + Show/Hide List



  8. #488
    master of the wierd people Member Ibrahim's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    Who cares
    Posts
    6,192

    Default Re: Jokes

    tough thread: most of the jokes I know only make sense in Arabic. but here are a few that I think will get survive translation intact:

    why did a hamburger, a french fry, and a Pepsi, run down the street?

    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 
    they were a fast meal!
    (lame, I know)


    a khaleeli* fell from the roof of a building, and so the people who saw this gathered round where he fell. when he got up, they asked him "what happened?", to which he said: "I don't know--I just got here!"

    another khaleeli fell from a bus, but was unscathed. his dad was told about it, but before being told the son was unharmed was given this reply: "OK: what about the road--is it damaged?"

    a khaleeli was walking down the street. a police wagon came by to pick him up for questioning. when it pulled over, the khaleeli saw this, and said to the police: "thanks guys! but my house is just ahead!"

    a short man married a short woman: they left behind a son whom they had to hang on his medal.

    Once Juha was found in the desert, digging a hole in the ground. There were several other holes nearby, all dug by him. The man who found him asked: "why are you digging all these holes?". Juha replied: "I'm looking for a chest of gold I buried". the man asks: "didn't you mark the site?", to which Juha replied: "yes, I did: a cloud that was directly above the site, but for some reason, I can't find it!"

    one day, juha was invited to make a khutba to a congregation. He rose to the minbar, and asked: "do you know what I am going to say?". the audience unanimously said: "no". At this, he said: "I do not want to speak to people who don't know what I'll be talking about!", and left. puzzled at this, the congregation agreed to say "yes" next time. So when Nasreddin came to do another khutba, and asked the same question, they all replied: "yes!". At this, Nasreddin replied: "then you don't need me to tell you!", and promptly left. at this, the people discussed how to get him to make a full khutba, and agreed to execute the plan next time. certainly enough, Nasruddin came to deliver one more khutba, and asked the same question. At this, half the congregation said "yes", the other half, said "no". At this, Nasreddin casually replied: "very well: the half who know, go tell the half who don't", and promptly left.

    *a man from here: it's where my dad's side happens to be from. funny jokes are funny jokes though
    I was once alive, but then a girl came and took out my ticker.

    my 4 year old modding project--nearing completion: http://www.twcenter.net/forums/showthread.php?t=219506 (if you wanna help, join me).

    tired of ridiculous trouble with walking animations? then you need my brand newmotion capture for the common man!

    "We have proven, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that if we put the belonging to, in the I don't know what, all gas lines will explode " -alBernameg

    Members thankful for this post (3):



  9. #489
    Clan Clan InsaneApache's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2002
    Location
    Grand Duchy of Yorkshire
    Posts
    8,636

    Default Re: Jokes

    “You’re charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.”
    A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, “You bastard!”
    The judge says, “You’re also charged with beating your Mother-in-law to death with a hammer.” The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, “You rotten bastard!” The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom,

    “Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes but no more outbursts from you or I’ll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?”

    The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, “I’m Sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I’ve lived next door to that bastard and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one.”
    There are times I wish they’d just ban everything- baccy and beer, burgers and bangers, and all the rest- once and for all. Instead, they creep forward one apparently tiny step at a time. It’s like being executed with a bacon slicer.

    “Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy.”

    To learn who rules over you, simply find out who you are not allowed to criticise.

    "The purpose of a university education for Left / Liberals is to attain all the politically correct attitudes towards minorties, and the financial means to live as far away from them as possible."

    Members thankful for this post (3):



  10. #490
    Clan Clan InsaneApache's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2002
    Location
    Grand Duchy of Yorkshire
    Posts
    8,636

    Default Re: Jokes

    An atheist was walking through the woods.

    'What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!' he said to himself.

    As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look and saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

    He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer.

    He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him...

    At that instant the Atheist cried out 'Oh my God!'

    Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.

    As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

    'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Why do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?'

    The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?

    'Very well,' said the voice.

    The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed and the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:

    'For what I am about to receive, may the Lord make me truly thankful, Amen.'
    There are times I wish they’d just ban everything- baccy and beer, burgers and bangers, and all the rest- once and for all. Instead, they creep forward one apparently tiny step at a time. It’s like being executed with a bacon slicer.

    “Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy.”

    To learn who rules over you, simply find out who you are not allowed to criticise.

    "The purpose of a university education for Left / Liberals is to attain all the politically correct attitudes towards minorties, and the financial means to live as far away from them as possible."

    Members thankful for this post (2):



  11. #491
    Stranger in a strange land Moderator Hooahguy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    The Fortress
    Posts
    11,851

    Default Re: Jokes

    What is Harry Potters favorite method of getting down a hill?
    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 
    Walking.
    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 
    JK, rolling.
    On the Path to the Streets of Gold: a Suebi AAR
    Visited:
    A man who casts no shadow has no soul.
    Hvil i fred HoreTore

  12. #492
    Colonel In Chief Member PROVOST's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2014
    Location
    Terra Australis
    Posts
    2,636

    Default Re: Jokes

    While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

    His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. “Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.”

    “No problem, just let me in” says the man.

    “Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”

    “Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,” says the senator.

    “I'm sorry, but we have our rules.”

    And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

    Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

    They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

    Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

    Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises... The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. ”Now it's time to visit heaven.”

    So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

    “Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.”

    The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: “Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.”

    So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

    Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

    The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

    “I don't understand,” stammers the senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?”

    The devil looks at him, smiles and says, “Yesterday we were campaigning...... Today you voted.”
    You can build a throne with bayonets, but you can't sit on it for long. -Boris Yeltsin


    мыслете наш он покой

    Member thankful for this post:



  13. #493
    In the shadows... Member Vuk's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Location
    R.I.P. TosaInu In the shadows...
    Posts
    5,992

    Default Re: Jokes

    What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?

    Pregnant.
    Hammer, anvil, forge and fire, chase away The Hoofed Liar. Roof and doorway, block and beam, chase The Trickster from our dreams.
    Vigilance is our shield, that protects us from our squalid past. Knowledge is our weapon, with which we carve a path to an enlightened future.

    Everything you need to know about Kadagar_AV:
    Quote Originally Posted by Kadagar_AV View Post
    In a racial conflict I'd have no problem popping off some negroes.

  14. #494
    Stranger in a strange land Moderator Hooahguy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    The Fortress
    Posts
    11,851

    Default Re: Jokes

    What do you call the science of deli?

    Pastranomy.
    On the Path to the Streets of Gold: a Suebi AAR
    Visited:
    A man who casts no shadow has no soul.
    Hvil i fred HoreTore

  15. #495
    Colonel In Chief Member PROVOST's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2014
    Location
    Terra Australis
    Posts
    2,636

    Default Re: Jokes

    ACTUAL PASSPORT LETTER:

    This, apparently, is an actual letter received by the UK Passport Office.

    Dear Sirs,

    I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe how is it that Sky Television has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a bleeding satellite dish from them back in 1988, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was bloody born and on what date.

    Do you guys do this by hand?

    My birth date you have on my pension book.

    It's on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years.

    It is on my National Health card.

    My driving licence.

    My car insurance.

    On the last eight damn passports I've had.

    It's on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years.

    All those insufferable census forms.

    Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that WOULD ever change between now and when I die!!

    I apologise, I'm really pissed off this morning.
    Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bullshit!

    You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my bleeding address!!

    What is going on? Do you have a gang of neanderthal arseholes workin' there?

    Look at my damn picture.

    Do I look like Bin Laden?

    I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my arse on some sandy beach somewhere.

    And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days?

    If I ever got the urge to do something wierd to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last fucking people I'd want to tell!

    Well, I have to go now,'cause I have to go to the other end of the poxy city to get another fucking copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of £30.

    Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?

    Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense.

    You'd rather have us running all over the fuckin' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then WE have to find some arsehole to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic fuckin' morons)

    Hey, do you know why we couldn't smile if we wanted to? Because we're totally pissed off!

    Signed

    An Irate Citizen

    P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me?

    Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 ...

    I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world.

    However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor ..

    WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN FRIGGIN` PAKISTAN!
    You can build a throne with bayonets, but you can't sit on it for long. -Boris Yeltsin


    мыслете наш он покой

  16. #496
    Colonel In Chief Member PROVOST's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2014
    Location
    Terra Australis
    Posts
    2,636

    Default Re: Jokes

    A retired guy sits around the house all day so one day his wife says, “Joe, you could do something useful, like vacuum the house once a week”.

    The guy gives it a moment’s thought and says; “sure why not. Show me to the vacuum.

    Half an hour later, the guy comes into the kitchen to get some coffee.

    His wife says, “I didn't hear the vacuum working, I thought you were using it”?

    Exasperated, Joe answers,”The stupid thing is broken, it won't start. We need to buy a new one”. “Really”, she says, “show me - it worked fine the last time”. So he did (click here)


    https://videos.files.wordpress.com/X...leaner_dvd.mp4
    You can build a throne with bayonets, but you can't sit on it for long. -Boris Yeltsin


    мыслете наш он покой

  17. #497
    Member Member Crandar's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2014
    Location
    Alpine Subtundra
    Posts
    920

    Default Re: Jokes

    1.

    -What's the difference between a pear, a sofa and a giraffe?
    -None of them can drive a lorry.
    Ahahaha!

    2.

    A sheep, a drum and a snake fall off from a cliff.
    Ba-dum-tsss!

    Oh, god, I'm killing myself.

    Members thankful for this post (2):



  18. #498

    Default Re: Jokes

    Funniest religious joke of all time? Irish jokes have a strong challenger.

    Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

    He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"

    He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"

    Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
    Vitiate Man.

    History repeats the old conceits
    The glib replies, the same defeats


    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 


    Member thankful for this post:



  19. #499

    Default Re: Let's do some jokes.

    My friend said that I thought it was pretty funny

Page 17 of 17 FirstFirst ... 71314151617

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
Single Sign On provided by vBSSO