Nice story Tozama. I would echo Ludens' comments, you need to focus more on the interesting parts like the characters and battles. Al-Mustali I seems like he could become an interesting character with time. Also, the battles are well-written, but lacking in detail. Perhaps more description of the fighting, and the use of a bit character (say, a soldier or general) to tell the story from another perspective might help.

But what you have is very well written. You just need to focus on different things. May I also suggest looking around the mead hall, there are some really good stories here.

*EDIT* I forgot to mention, the mead hall is very quiet, so don't expect comments as soon as you post a part. You may have to wait a long time for a comment, but that doent mean nobody likes the story. I know I get paranoid when nobody comments on my series, but I just remember that the mead hall can go for 3 or 4 days sometimes without a post.