Some Jokes

[Sasaki Kojiro]

A building contracter hires an Englishman, an Irishman, and a Chinaman. He gathers them all in his office and tells each of them their jobs. The Englishman to shovel a pile of sand. The Irishman has to take the sand in the wheelbarrow to the truck. The Chinaman is in charge of supplies.
The boss comes back two hours later and he sees the Englishman and the Irishman having a cup of tea. ''So have you done the work then?'' he asks.

The workers both shake their heads and tell him that the Chinaman didn't give them a shovel or a wheelbarrow. The boss is infuriated by this and asks the workers if they have seen the Chinaman, they tell him they thought they saw him going toward the truck. So the boss sets out towards the truck and just as he is getting close to the truck the Chinaman jumps out from behind a wall and yells, "SUPPLIES!"

A Jewish man is walking down the street as if nothing else existed, totally absorbed in his thoughts. He's so aloof that he passes a life-long friend (who's also Jewish) without noticing him.
The friend says, "What's the matter, you don't say hello to old friends anymore?".
The first man says, "Oh, I'm sorry, it's just that I'm so preoccupied with family problems that I didn't see you"
-"What's the matter?"
-"Well, it's my son. He went to Israel, and when he came back, he converted to Christianity!"
-"Funny, you should say that! My daughter, she went to Israel, spent a year in a kibbutz, and converted to Christianity!"
-"You know what we should do? Let's go to the rabbi, he'll know what to do!"

So they go the rabbi, and they tell him their dilema. The rabbi says, "Funny you should say that! Both my sons went to the Holy Land, and *poof*, they became Christians! I think the only thing left for us to do is pray, and hope to find the answer this way!"

So they start praying together with all their concentration, and after a while, a booming voice comes from nowhere. "Funny you should say that!"

When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, officer, there's
no blood in my alcohol?"

2) When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to
race.

3) When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf.

4) If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my
speedometer doesn't go that high.

5) Touch him.

6) When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a
hat.

7) Ask him where he bought his cool hat.

8) Refer to him by his first name.

9) Pretend you are gay and ask him out.

10) When he says no, cry.

11) If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment.

12) If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a
nice way.

13) If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw
yourself on the hood.

14) When he asks you to spread them, tell him you don't go that
way.

15) When he puts handcuffs on, say "Usually my dates buy me
dinner first"

16) Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, cause you don't like ink
on your fingers.

17) After you sign the ticket and give it to him, say "Oops!
That's the wrong name."

18) Bribe him with donuts, and when he agrees, tell him sorry, I
just ate the last one.

19) When he comes up to the car, say "License and registration,
please" right when he says it.

20) When he goes to read you your rights, sing "La La La, I
can't hear you!"

21) Trip and fall into him.

22) Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away.

23) Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. You have to use
his pen.

24) Chew on the pen, nervously.

25) Clean your ear with the pen.

26) If it's a click pen, take it apart and play with the spring.

27) Ask if he has a daughter. If he says yes, say I thought your
name sounded familiar....

28) Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask
him how the plumbing was.

29) Act like you are retarded.

30) When he is telling you what you did wrong, start repeating
him, quietly.

31) Or mumble to yourself.

32) When he tells you to stop, say what are you talking about,
DUDE?

33) Drive to Dunkin Donuts and say hmmm....only 5 of you here
tonite......

34) Ask if they know how to make the donuts.

35) When he comes to the car, say I have a badge just like
yours!

36) Ask if he watches Cops.

37) Ask if ever watched Cop Rock.

38) Giggle if he did.

39) Talk to your hand.

40) Ask if he knows someone named Rosy Palm and he Five Favorite
Friends.

41) Accuse him of sexual harassment if he does.

42) When he frisks you, say You missed a spot, and grin.

43) When he asks to inspect your car, say there is no alcohol in
my car, the last cop got it.

44) Try to sell him your car.

45) Ask if you can buy his car.

46) If he takes you to the station, Ask to sit in the front.

47) Play with the siren.

48) If you know him, say you had his wife for dinner.

49) If you don't know him, ask if you can have his wife for
dinner.

50) Oops...I meant OVER for dinner.

51) Ask if he ever had pu-tang.

52) If he asks what it is, point at him and giggle.

53) If there is someone else in the car, talk to each other in
tongues.

54) When he acts confused, keep talking, look at him and laugh.

55) When you are in the back, touch his neck through the
fencing.

56) Turn your head and whistle.

57) When he pulls out his night stick, say what you gonna do
with that.

58) If you are female, say I don't do that on the first date.

59) If he sticks you in the back of the car, cower in the
corner, suck your thumb, and whine.

60) Ask if you can see his gun.

61) When he says you aren't allowed, tell him I just wanted to
see if mine was bigger.

62) Stare at the lights and say "Look at the pretty colors!"

63) Tell him you like men in uniform.

64) Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party.

A burglar breaks into an empty house. Its dark, its night time.
The burglar goes to take the tv...to be disturbed by a voice saying " Jesus is watching you"

The man obviously startled, takes a closer look.
"Jesus is watching you" said the voice again.

The person looked to the corner of the room to see a bird cage. The parrot speaks "Jesus is watching you"

The burglar replies.."Hello, whats your name?"
The parrot says "Clarence"

"Thats a funny name for a parrot isn't it?"

The parrot remarks "and jesus is a funny name for a rottweiler"
Man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh? The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas."
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

"And that, your honour, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."



Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to
take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court
the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.

"Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" Asked the
lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just
loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details," The lawyer interrupted, "Just answer the
question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was
driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish
the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway
patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the
accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please
tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and
said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just
loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when
this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck
right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into
the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I
could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible
shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman
came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went
over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her
between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in
his hand and looked at me." He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I
had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"


A guy is at the Pearly Gates, hoping to be admitted, and St.
Peter says to the guy, "I can't see that you did anything really
good in your life, but you never did anything bad either. I tell
you what, if you can tell me one really good deed that you did,
you're in."

So the guy says, "Once I was driving down the road and saw a
gang of bikers assaulting this poor girl. So I pulled over, got
out my car, grabbed a tire iron and walked straight up to the
gang's leader--a huge ugly guy with a studded leather jacket,
bald head but with hair all over his body, and a chain running
from his nose to his ear.

Undaunted, I ripped the chain out of his nose and ear and
smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned
around and, wielding my tire iron, yelled to the rest of them,
'You leave this poor, innocent lady alone! You're all a bunch of
sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson
in pain!'"

Impressed, St. Peter says, "Really? I can't seem to find this in
your file. When did this happen?" "Oh, about two minutes ago."


A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.
As he got out, a truck passed too close and tore off the door on the driver's side.
The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined no matter what the body shop did to it.
When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.
"I can not believe how materialistic you lawyers are," the cop said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don''t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "My Rolex!"

[discovery1]

Too funny.