Redneck Jokes
You Might be a redneck if...
You think Sherlock Holmes is a
housing project down in Biloxi.
You think a stock tip is
advice on worming' your hogs.
You've been married three times
and still have the same in-laws.
You think TACO BELL is
the Mexican Phone Company
Your state's got a new law that says when a couple
get divorced, they are still legally brother and sister.
Your house still has the
"WIDE LOAD"
sign on the back.
You got stopped by a state trooper.
He asked you if you had an I.D.
And you said, 'Bout What?'
Non
Athletic
Sport
Created
Around
Rednecks
You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
Your sister is the third generation
of women in your family to conceive
a baby as a result of an alien abduction.
If you can burp
and say your name at the same time,
you're shur'nuff a redneck.
You think Possum is
"The Other White Meat"
You carried a fishing pole into Sea World.
You hooked up with your present girlfriend
as a result of a message on the wall of
the mens' room at the Flying J Truck Stop.
The centerpiece on your dining room table
is an original signed work
by a famous taxidermist.
You think a quarter horse is
a ride out in front of the Wal-Mart.
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off it's wheels.
Your huntin dawg had a litter of puppies in the living room and nobody noticed.
You think safe sex is a padded headboard.
You think subdivision is part of a math problem.
You think there's nothin wrong with incest
as long as you keep it in the family.
Taking your wife on a cruise
means circling the Dairy Queen.
You may be a Redneck if ...
You and your dog use the same tree.
You think God looks a lot like Hank Williams, Jr., and heaven looks a lot like Daytona Beach, Florida.
You think the last words to
The Star Spangled Banner are
"Gentlemen, start your engines."
Your father executes the "pull my finger"
trick during Christmas dinner.
You believe dual air bags refer
to your wife and mother-in-law.
You've got more than
one brother named 'Darryl'.
You think the OJ Trial was a
Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
You were acquitted for murdering
your first wife after she threw
out your Elvis 8-tracks.
You think watching professional
wrestling is foreplay.
Your grandfather died and left everything to his widow.
But she can't touch it until she's fourteen.
Your front porch collapses
and four dogs git killed.
The people on Jerry Springer's show
remind you of your neighbors
Your kids take a siphon hose
to "Show and Tell."
You've ever had to scratch your sisters
name out of a message that begins,
"For a good time time call..."
You know yer a redneck when you take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took
Your whole family is Democrats
except little Mary.
She lernt to readin'.
You think fast food is hitting a possum at 65 mph.
You can get dog hair from out of your belly button.
You have a bumper sticker that says,
"MY MOTHER'S AN HONOR STUDENT
AT SOUTH LITTLE ROCK JR. HIGH."
You take a six-pack cooler to church.
Your family tree has no forks.
You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
You had to remove a toothpick
for your wedding pictures.
You use a weedeater in your living room.
You consider your license plate personalized because
your dad made it in prison.
You have a rag for a gas cap.
The blue book value of your truck goes up and down
depending on how much gas it has in it.
The third grade teacher says little Bubba
could be a mathematical genius
because he's got thirteen fingers.
Fifth grade was the best six years of your life.
You have to go outside to get
something out of the 'fridge.
A seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
One of your kids was born on a pool table.
You have spray painted your
girlfriend's name on an overpass.
Your lifetime goal is
to own a fireworks stand.
Someone asks to see your ID and you
show them your belt buckle.
Your dad walks you to school because
you are both in the same grade.
Mailpouch sends you Christmas cards.
Down where you come from reruns of
Hee Haw are called documentaries.
Your house doesn't have curtains,
but your truck does.
You need one more hole punched in your card
to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
You have flowers planted in a
bathroom fixture in your front yard.
On your first date you had to ask your
Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
You think the Mountain Men in Deliverance
were just "misunderstood".
If you refer to the fifth grade
as, "your senior year".
Three quarters of the clothes you
own have LOGOS on them.
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.
Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
You just bought an 8-track
player to put in your truck.
You've ever climbed a water tower
with a bucket of paint
to defend your sister's honor.
It's easier to spray weed killer
on your lawn than mow it.
You think the three primary colors are
John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray.
Your pickup has a two-tone paint job
-- primer red and primer gray.
Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart
'cause there is a law against it.
You've been on TV more than 5 times
describing the sound of a tornado.
The beer can collection in the
town museum is the big tourist attraction.
You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
Your aunt and your grandmother went to the funeral and had a fight over who gets to be the widow.
You can tell your age by the
number of rings in the bathtub.
You may be a redneck if you ever
used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
You can change the oil in your truck
without ducking your head.
During your senior year you and
your mother had homeroom together.
You're a lite beer drinker 'cause you start drinkin beer when it gets light.
You think the stock market
has fence around it.
Your stereo speakers used to belong
to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
You own a homemade fur coat.
Your entire family has ever sat around
waiting for a call from the Governor
to spare a loved one.
Your wife has ever said,
"Come move this transmission
so I can take a bath."
You think loading the dishwasher
means getting your wife drunk.
YOU REFER TO THE TIME YOU WON
A FREE CASE OF MOTOR OIL AS
"THE DAY MY SHIP CAME IN."
The FBI surrounded your trailer park
twice so far this year.
You use a NASCAR credit card.
Your brother-in-law is your uncle
AND your grandfather.
you might be a redneck if....
Your parents met at a family reunion.
You believe that beef jerky and Moon Pies
are two of the major food groups.
You stare at an orange juice container
because it says, "CONCENTRATE".
YOUR IDEA OF HIGH-QUALITY ENTERTAINMENT
IS A SIX-PACK AND A BUG-ZAPPER.
You wonder how service stations
keep their restrooms so clean.
Anyone in your family died right
after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!".
You couldn't learn to swim
because
your gene pool is too small.
Your wife's job requires her
to wear an orange vest.
You have the local taxidermist's
number on speed dial.
On Thanksgiving Day you have
to decide which pet to eat.
Your school fight song is"Dueling Banjos".
You think "taking out the trash"
means taking your in-laws to a movie.
Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.
You got Clapper devices controlling
the appliances in your house.
You think a hot tub is
a stolen bathroom fixture.
The gas pedal on your car
is shaped like a bare foot.
They just raised the drinking age in your state to 32 on account of they wanted to keep alcohol out of the schools
You hammer bottle caps into the
frame of your front door to make it look nice.
The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.
The taillight covers of your car
are made of red tape.
You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.
You've ever been involved in a
custody fight over a hunting dog.
The KKK kicked you out for being a bigot.
You think a turtleneck is
a key ingredient for soup.
You think the French
Riviera is a foreign car.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
You no longer drink wine ever since
the screw cap got caught up your nose.
You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
That billboard that says,
"SAY NO TO CRACK"
reminds you to pull up your jeans.
Your wife's hairdo was once ruined
by a ceiling fan.
You go to your family reunion
looking for a date.
You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
Your high school basketball game got rained out.
You've got more than three cousins
named 'Bubba'.
You have a close relative named "Cletus".
You ever won first prize in a tobacco spittin contest.
You wish your outhouse was as nice
as those at the state park.
Last year you hid yer kids'
Easter eggs under cow pies.
Your family always goes to the movies in groups of 18 or
more 'cause they were told 17 and under are not admitted.
Jack Daniels makes your list
of "Most Admired People"
Your dog can't watch you eat
without getting sick.
You think the winter olympic sport of curling
is part of the "Big Hair" competition.
When you was little, your front yard got toilet papered
and your momma thought it was a gift from God.
You've painted a car with house paint.
You're banned from the Memphis Zoo because you disturb the monkeys.
You ever named a child after a dog.
You have more belt-buckles than pants.
You removed the back seat from your
car so all yer kids could fit in.
You think taking a bubble bath starts
with eating beans for dinner.
Your child's first words were
"Attention K-Mart shoppers!"
YOU'VE EVER COME HOME
AND FOUND CRIME SCENE TAPE
ACROSS YOUR FRONT PORCH.
You think a woman who is
"out of your league"
bowls on a different night.
You Might Be A Redneck If . . .
. . . you were acquitted for murdering your first wife after she threw out your Elvis 45’s.
. . . you think watching professional wrestling is foreplay.
. . . your front porch collapses and four dogs get killed.
. . . you no longer drink wine ever since the screw cap got caught up your nose.
. . . you think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
. . . that billboard that says, “Say No To Crack” reminds you to pull up your jeans.
. . . your wife’s hairdo was ever ruined by a ceiling fan.
. . . you go to your family reunions looking for a date.
. . . you think a Volvo is part of a woman’s anatomy.
. . . your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
. . . you’ve got more than three cousins named “Bubba”.
. . . you have an Elvis Jell-O mold.
. . . taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
. . . you’ve got more than one other named “Darryl”.
. . . you ever won first prize in a tobacco spittin’ contest.
. . . on Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.
. . . you’ve ever come home and found crime scene tape across your front porch.
. . . your favorite entree is Spam barbecued on the grill.
. . . your child’s first words were, “Attention K-Mart shoppers!”.
. . . your idea of high-quality entertainment is a six-pack and a bug-zapper.
. . . your whole family is Democrats except little Mary. She got to readin’.
. . . you think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are “Gentlemen, start your engines.”
. . . you kissed your own wife at midnight at the New Year’s Eve party.
. . . you’ve ever taken reading material into an airplane restroom.
. . . you’ve ever gotten an official letter of recognition from a tobacco or beer company.
. . . you vacuum the sheets instead of washing them.
. . . you’ve ever valet parked a snow plow.
. . . you’ve ever stood in line to have your picture made with a freak of nature.
. . . you break wind in public and blame it on your kid.
. . . you’ve ever had to siphon gas from your lawn mower to put into your truck.
. . . you’ve ever paid for a six-pack of beer with pennies.
. . . there are hubcap wind chimes anywhere on your block.
. . . you have a Bud Light pool-table light hanging over your dining room table.
. . . the strongest smell in your house is butane.
. . . you think paprika is a Third World country.
. . . you ask the preacher, “How’s it hanging?”
. . . you go to a stock car race and don’t need a program.
. . . you have a bumper sticker that says, “My mother’s an honor student” at the local junior high.
. . . you think potted meat on a saltine is an hors d’oeuvre.
. . . you played the banjo in your high school band.
. . . the velvet paintings in your house were bought from an art dealer on the side of the highway.
. . . you have no hubcaps on your car because you’re using them to feed your hunting dogs.
. . . you can’t visit relatives without getting mud on your tires.
. . . your mother doesn’t put shoes on to go grocery shopping.
. . . you’ve ever been blacklisted by a bowling alley.
. . . you honest-to-God think women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
. . . anyone in your family has ever purchased peroxide in a gallon container.
. . . you don’t think baseball players spit and scratch too much.
. . . you’ve ever been to a wedding reception at the Waffle House.
. . . your dog has ever brought home something that you cooked for dinner.
. . . you owe a taxidermist more than your monthly income.
. . . you’ve ever caught bugs just so you could throw them in the bug zapper.
. . . you have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.
. . . you’ve ever hollered, “Rock the house, Bubba!” during a piano recital.
. . . your kids’ favorite bedtime story is “Curious George and the High Voltage Fence.”
. . . your watchband is wider than any book you’ve ever read.
. . . you know who is actually leading the Winston Cup series.
. . . you’ve ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions.
. . . your favorite beer company cannot afford to advertise.
. . . you’ve ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
. . . you time your belches to achieve a personal best.
. . . your new job promotion means that the company foots the bill to have your name sewn on your shirts.
. . . the fountain at your wedding spewed beer instead of champagne.
. . . your favorite restaurant has the word “eats” anywhere in the name.
. . . there’s graffiti on the bathroom wall in your own house.
. . . you have grease under your toenails.
. . . your idea of a romantic evening is sharing the same spit cup with your girlfriend at a tractor pull.
. . . the most common phrase you hear at your family reunion is “What the hell are you lookin’ at Diphead?”
. . . your best coon hound gets a birthday present and your wife doesn’t.
. . . your mother has more chest hair than your father.
. . . you think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
. . . you think a manicure is some kind of French doctor.
. . . your mama saves aluminum foil.
. . . you have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
. . . you clean your house with a water hose.
. . . during the wedding ceremony the minister said, “Do you, DeWayne, take Connie to be your old lady?”
. . . the game warden knows the serial numbers to your guns by heart.
. . . you pawned your grandfather’s pocket watch because you needed beer money for the weekend.
. . . you took your coon dogs on your honeymoon.
. . . you drive across town to see a car wreck.
. . . it’s impossible to see food stains on the fabric of your work uniform.
. . . you think that anyone with ten fingers and toes is abnormal.
. . . you need one more hole punched in your card before you get a “freebie” at the House of Tattoos.
. . . you have a personal account of a UFO sighting.
. . . you think a hard drive is driving more than one hour.
. . . you’ve ever taken a generator and a 27-inch TV camping.
. . . you help booby trap your family’s marijuana crop.
. . . you have ever made a frog-gigging spear.
. . . the last time you saw your daddy outside, he was picking up trash, chained to three other guys.
. . . your mother’s only shoes are house slippers.
. . . your sewage system consists of a pipe down a hillside.
. . . you wear knee-high stockings with a skirt.
. . . you follow the tractor pull circuit.
. . . you have more electronic equipment in your truck than in your house.
. . . your primary income involves pigs or manure.
. . . your best sofa came out of a Chevrolet.
. . . your favorite T-shirt is declared offensive in at least 13 states.
. . . you were expelled from summer school.
. . . you’ve ever been asked for your autograph at a rattlesnake roundup.
. . . you attend a parent-teacher conference wearing flip-flops.
. . . your baby’s crib mobile is made out of beer cans.
. . . you’ve ever been asked to leave Shoney’s all-you-can-eat breakfast.
. . . you have a grave in your yard.
. . . you’ve ever stolen toilet paper.
. . . you think the theory of relativity has something to do with inbreeding.
. . . your deceased hunting dog’s tombstone is larger than your grandfather’s.
. . . you wake up in the morning already dressed for work.
. . . you think the police can’t see you because your truck is painted camouflage.
. . . your car ashtray is so packed, you can’t get it out.
. . . you think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
. . . you’re driving a vehicle with no original body parts.
. . . you quit your job because deer season’s fixin’ to start.
. . . your sister is the third generation of women in your family to conceive a baby due to an alien abduction.
. . . you’ve ever gotten into a fist fight over a bowling score.
. . . you’re a member of the “Chaw of the Month Club.”
. . . your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.
. . . you’ve ever been hunting on a tractor.
. . . your yard has more than ten ceramic figurines.
. . . you think the ultimate beauty treatment is using Preparation-H to prevent wrinkles.
. . . you must go through more than 2 gates to get to your home.
. . . you’ve never seen a film with subtitles.
. . . you own a pair of cut-offs made from double-knit pants.
. . . you have to go outside to get something out of the fridge.
. . . you’ve ever talked back to characters on the movie screen.
. . . you won’t stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
. . . your kids hide the Easter eggs under cow patties.
. . . your kids trip over the Christmas lights while hunting for Easter eggs.
. . . three-fourths of all the clothes you own have logos on them.
. . . when you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is how to lose them.
. . . your gene pool doesn’t have a “deep end.”
. . . you can’t marry your sweetheart because there is a law against it.
. . . you’ve ever laid rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
. . . getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
. . . you dated your daddy’s current wife in high school.
. . . you’ve ever towed another car using panty hose and duct tape.
. . . your coat of arms features a tire iron.
. . . you own a denim leisure suit.
. . . you use Armor-All on your leather jacket.
. . . your spare tire is a cement block.
. . . the UFO hotline limits you to one call per day.
. . . your spring wardrobe mostly involves using scissors.
. . . your tires are worth more than your truck.
. . . you tried to claim “loss of teeth” as an exemption on your taxes.
. . . your daddy’s legacy is a gun rack and Jerry Clower’s autograph on a Stuckey’s napkin.
. . . you bought your best pair of shoes off the impulse rack by the register.
. . . you think beef jerky and Moonpies are two of the major food groups.
. . . you take out a home improvement loan to buy a new camper shell.
. . . you and six of your neighbors split a cable bill.
. . . Jack Daniels makes your list of most admired people.
. . . you prefer car keys to Q-tips.
. . . you have a sign on your front door explaining house rules and liability.
. . . people don’t recognize your car without a dead animal on the hood.
. . . your mailbox holds up one end of your clothesline.
. . . you participate in a “Who can spit tobacco the farthest?” contest.
. . . you know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball cap.
. . . you’re not actually able to read The Richard Petty Story, but you do like to look at the pictures.
. . . you’ve ever had to appear in court because of your dogs.
. . . the front license plate of your car has the words “Foxy Lady” written in airbrush.
. . . your checks feature pictures of dogs fighting.
. . . any of your honeymoon plans involve a deer camp.
. . . all of your favorite shirts came with a two-pack purchase of cigarettes.
. . . you have a hook in your shower to hang your hat on.
. . . you have ever tried to use food stamps to mail a watermelon.
. . . you own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.
. . . you refer to your beer gut as “the old tool shed.”
. . . you’ve ever stolen a Neighborhood Watch sign to put in your yard.
. . . your boots cost more than your wedding ring.
. . . you’ve ever vacationed in a rest area.
. . . you always thought “Guns and Roses” was something you get for your anniversary.
. . . you proposed in a Denny’s.
. . . the passengers enter your vehicle through the driver’s-side door.
. . . you had to hitchhike on your honeymoon.
. . . you think “Chablis” is the name of last month’s Playboy centerfold.
. . . you save cooking grease in a coffee can.
. . . you inherited a Styrofoam cooler.
. . . there’s no cutoff age for sleeping with your parents.
. . . your doghouse and your living room both have the same shag carpet.
. . . you think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
. . . you’ve ever had to move a car seat to make love.
. . . you’re familiar with Copenhagen but have never heard of Denmark.
. . . your favorite restaurant has a gas pump in front of it.
. . . you think a stock tip is advice on wormin’ your hogs.
. . . you don’t have a home phone.
. . . you think “Ross Perot” is how your cousin Ross got out of jail early.
. . . you think “trash TV” is something in your backyard.
. . . stealing road signs is a family outing.
. . . you think a woman who is “out of your league” bowls on a different night.
. . . you’ve ever changed the numbers on your house so the police can’t find you.
. . . you have an above ground pool and you fish in it.
. . . your bathroom deodorizer is a box of kitchen matches.
. . . an expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.
. . . you thing “megabytes” means a good day fishing.
. . . you’ve ever picked up a woman in a convenience store.
. . . your deer stand has an address.
. . . you have more things with Hank Williams Jr.’s name on them than your own.
. . . you think a lavatory is a breed of dog.
. . . you’ve ever taken a date flowers you’ve stole from a cemetery.
. . . you’ve ever relieved yourself from a moving vehicle.
. . . you use old auto parts as a boat anchor.
. . . your pickup truck and wife are the same age.
. . . your favorite cologne is Deep Woods Off.
. . . you’ve ever given livestock as a wedding present.
. . . you think safe sex means putting on the emergency brake.
. . . people hear your car a long time before they see it.
. . . your 23-channel CB radio is used to communicate with your family.
. . . your bridal veil was made of window screen.
. . . you call your boss “dude.”
. . . you repaint your pink flamingo every spring . . . but not your house.
. . . you have ever carried leftovers home in your handbag.
. . . you think an oil change involves a comb and a bottle of Vitalis.
. . . you whistle to get the attention of your waiter or waitress.
. . . your college graduation ceremony includes parallel parking an 18-wheeler.
. . . you think ribs come from Europe.
. . . your toothbrush is a hand-me-down.
. . . the nearest liquor store is brewing in your basement.
. . . your Friday nights consist of lots of Budwieser and a mechanical bull.
. . . you have used a potato peeler to remove a corn.
. . . the Marlboro man is your idol.
. . . you see a sign that says “dip in road” and you stop to see what flavor it is.
. . . you think a canopy goes under the bed instead of over it.
. . . you’ve ever had a conversation about truck tires that lasted more than an hour.
. . . you’ve ever fished from over a fence.
. . . you have ever taken lawn furniture to a drive-in.
. . . your state senator is willingly photographed with no shirt and a leather vest on a Harley, but refuses to take a Breathalyzer test.
. . . you think virgin wool comes from ugly sheep.
. . . you keep catfish in your aquarium.
. . . you think truffles are a brand of potato chips.
. . . you’ve ever bought a used cap.
. . . you know all the verses to the “Hee Haw” song.
. . . your car breaks down on the side of the road and you never go back to get it.
. . . your greatest accomplishment is the 10-pound turnip you grew.
. . . any of your hobbies require dogs and a lantern.
. . . you think people who have electricity are uppity.
. . . you know how to milk a goat.
. . . you’ve ever committed a crime with a lawn mower.
. . . your two best friends are named Skeeter and Possum.
. . . you’ve ever hollered, “You kids quit playin’ on that sheet metal.”
. . . your idea of water conservation is moving your Saturday night bath to every other Saturday night.
. . . your idea of summer vacation is running through a sprinkler in the front yard.
. . . you’ve ever named a child for a good dog.
. . . there are four pairs of pants and two squirrels hanging from your clothesline.
. . . your local newspaper has a front-page feature called “Cow of the Week.”
. . . you don’t need a clean shirt to go to work.
. . . you bum a dip from your mother.
. . . you have the entire WWF slurpie cup collection proudly displayed on a shelf in your trailer.
. . . your favorite mixed drink includes Yoo-Hoo.
. . . you think “Hooked on Phonics” is a fishing show.
. . . you’ve ever attended a dance at the bus station.
. . . your guest bedroom is also your tool shed
. . . you spend three days in line for Reba tickets.
. . . you can’t keep your cats out of your car at night because the interior smells like fried chicken.
. . . you think French onion dip is an exotic tobacco product.
. . . you drive more than thirty miles to save money on a pack of cigarettes.
. . . you spend most of your time in the laundromat so you can watch TV.
. . . grass is growing in the floor boards of your car.
. . . the highlight of your day is finding the prize in a Cracker Jack box.
. . . the auto junkyard calls you to get spare parts.
. . . you own a flamingo with buckshot holes in it.
. . . your third-grade class has a no-smoking section.
. . . your wife left you for last year’s winner of the hog-calling contest.
. . . your flashlight holds more than four batteries.
. . . it took the smartest kid in your 6th-grade class three times to pass his driving test.
. . . you cut your wedding cake with a chain saw.
. . . you cut your toenails in front of company.
. . . a woman says she’s game, so you shoot her.
. . . your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
. . . you ask for the honeymoon suite at the Motel 6.
. . . you hear a siren and your first instinct is to hide.
. . . you use a bedsheet as a sofa cover.
. . . you use the shaving cream made for tough beards . . . and so does your husband.
. . . you regularly see kinfolks on “America’s Most Wanted.”
. . . you refuse to slide in softball because you don’t want to crush your cigarettes.
. . . the emergency room nurse knows everyone in your family by name.
. . . your car has more than two exhaust pipes.
. . . people come to your door mistakenly thinking you have an auto salvage business.
. . . your house plants aren’t in pots.
. . . you think the stock market has a fence around it.
. . . you wear a tank top to your mother’s funeral.
. . . your front yard looks like a Toys R Us after a tornado.
. . . you think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
. . . everything you won at the fair is hanging from your rearview mirror.
. . . you’ve ever accepted an invitation written on a bathroom wall.
. . . making beer is a neighborhood project.
. . . you clean your fingernails with a stick.
. . . you’ve ever gotten in fist fight in a laundromat over a dryer.
. . . there is a restraining order on your pets.
. . . you secretly get your firewood from your neighbor’s yard.
. . . you wipe your feet before you walk out of your house.
. . . your 5-year-old can rebuild a carburetor.
. . . your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
. . . you take a nap with at least one hand tucked inside your pants.
. . . your best jacket has an advertisement on the back of it.
. . . your car insurance deductible is higher than the value of your car.
. . . in preparation for your upcoming wedding, your register your Tupperware pattern.
. . . you are famous for your impression of a dog choking on a chicken bone.
. . . you consider tattooing a do-it-yourself job.
. . . one of your fantasies involves a bulldozer.
. . . your wife’s best shoes have steel toes.
. . . your picture is on the wall of more than three bait stores.
. . . your favorite NASCAR souvenir is the result of a wreck.
. . . you buy a police scanner to keep up with your relatives.
. . . you’ve ever used a laundromat as a mailing address.
. . . you’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
. . . your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.
. . . you’ve ever gotten carbon monoxide poisoning while driving your vehicle.
. . . your screen door has no screen.
. . . there are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets.
. . . the receptionist is responsible for checking the rat traps at your place of business.
. . . your family reunion is sponsored by a beer company.
. . . your church has a “happy hour.”
. . . you’ve ever shot someone over a mall parking space.
. . . there is trophy in your house with the word “spitting” on it.
. . . you open beer bottles with your belt buckle.
. . . you’ve ever filled your deer tag on a golf course.
. . . you tell Grandpa he has something in his teeth and he takes them out to see.
. . . you use the “O” on the stop sign in front of your house to sight in your new rifle.
. . . you punish your children by taking away their chewing tobacco.
. . . you think every bottle of wine comes with a screw cap.
. . . you wear your softball uniform even on the days you’re not playing.
. . . your pickup truck used to be a car.
. . . your favorite fishing lure is TNT.
. . . your dates regularly expect you to light their cigars.
. . . you stockpile pork and beans.
. . . your daddy handed out cigarettes the day you were born.
. . . you use baling wire to keep your car door closed.
. . . your mom is lighting bottle rockets with her cigarette while walking the children on Halloween.
. . . you’ve ever lost your wife in a poker game.
. . . your house feels a bit lonely when winter comes and the last fly dies.
. . . you send your kid in for treatment because you think he’s hooked on phonics.
. . . the air freshener hanging in your car lost its scent more than 5 years ago.
. . . there are more than 5 animals sleeping in your bed.
. . . your best pick-up line for women is written on your baseball cap.
. . . you had a receding hairline in the 6th grade.
. . . you think “social consciousness” means how well you can hold your liquor.
. . . you spit on your own floor.
. . . your bring a bar of soap to a public pool.
. . . you keep a pellet gun by the front door.
. . . you’ve ever participated in a burp-off.
. . . you’ve ever heckled during a eulogy.
. . . your wife puts Bean-O on everything you eat.
. . . your dog rides in the front seat and your kids ride in the back.
. . . you taught your children how to play “Pull My Finger.”
. . . you own half a pickup truck.
. . . the church social committee is afraid to meet at your house.
. . . you own a trophy that includes the words “cow chip toss” on it.
. . . you’ve ever made love on a tire swing.
. . . the first question your mother asks upon checking into the motel is, “Where’s the nearest liquor store?”
. . . you show strangers your war wound.
. . . your mailing address includes the word “holler.”
. . . the Salvation Army comes to your house and takes the wrong furniture.
. . . there are antlers nailed to the outside of your house.
. . . you fill up the bathtub just to test out a fishing lure.
. . . your Thanksgiving centerpiece has ever been prepared by a taxidermist.
. . . you own every Box Car Willie album.
. . . you refer to your dog as your youngest.
. . . you select a date’s corsage to match her tattoo.
. . . you’re over 30 and still giving other people “wedgies.”
. . . you have three first names.
. . . turning on your lights involves pulling a string.
. . . you’ve ever water-skied in your underwear.
. . . you throw a beer can out the truck window and your wife shoots it.
. . . your garbage man is confused about what stays and what goes.
. . . the hood of your truck is higher than the roof of your house.
. . . you think a dashboard is the best place to keep your hats.
. . . for your first anniversary you take your wife to dinner at the Wal-mart snack bar.
. . . you’ve ever slow danced at a Waffle House.
. . . you videotape fishing shows.
. . . you’ve ever had sex while wearing work gloves.
. . . there is more carpet on your toilet than on your floors.
. . . your wedding toast was made with a quart of Old Milwaukee.
. . . you hang pickled eggs and pop-tops from your Christmas tree.
. . . your chili’s secret ingredient comes from a bait shop.
. . . someone asks, “Where’s your bowling bag?” and you answer, “She’s at home with the kids.”
. . . your masseuse uses lard.
. . . your family’s #1 enemy is revenuers.
. . . your Christmas tree has a deer stand in it.
. . . when describing your kids, you use the phrase “dumb as a brick.”
. . . your favorite cap says, “Babymaker.”
. . . you’ve ever done your Christmas shopping at a truck stop.
. . . you stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
. . . you get Odor-Eaters as a Christmas present.
. . . you are allowed to bring your dog to work.
. . . chiggers are included on your list of top five hygiene concerns.
. . . the flood history of your area can be seen on your living room walls.
. . . your wife has been involved in more than six barroom brawls in the last two weeks.
. . . your wife has a set of earrings that you use as a fishing lure.
. . . you fish coins out of public fountains.
A redneck and a Frenchman were caught in Kentucky for making and selling bad moonshine. The law decided to hang them off the middle of the Ohio Bridge. They tied the rope around the Frenchman's neck and said, "Do you have any last words?"
He said, "No."
They threw him off the bridge, but the rope was too long. He removed the rope from his neck and swam to the Ohio side of the river.
Then they tied the same rope around the redneck's neck and said, "Do you have any last words to say?"
He said, "Yes, shorten up that rope boys 'cause I can't swim."
Submitted by Brandon Daniels.
A redneck has five bucks and is horny, so he thinks to himself, "Maybe I'll go to that whorehouse I've been hearin' so much 'bout." The redneck walks in, approaches a very burlesque, good-looking woman and says, "I've got 5 bucks, give me your best."
The man is immediately escorted to a room with a mirror, a couch, and a chicken in the corner. The woman shuts the door. The man reluctantly takes the chicken and finishes his business. He then realized that that was the best sex he'd ever had.
The following week, the man brings $10 of his hard earned money, and offers it to the woman. He is the whisked off in to a small room with a few benches and a double sided mirror. The small room quickly fills with men and women alike.
Two women walk into the room that the people are viewing. The two lesbians then proceed to make love on the table.
The redneck nudges the man next to him and exclaims, "Damn, for 10 bucks, this is damn good." The man then chuckles and says, "You should have been here last week, we had a man screwing a chicken."
In a small Texas town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. But one small feature bothered me: the three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.
At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never read your Bibles!"
I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.
She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and riffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise men came from afar.'"
REDNECK DRIVING ETIQUITE
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession
Artery The study of paintings.
Bacteria Back door to cafeteria.
Barium What doctors do when patients die.
Benign What you be after you be eight.
Catscan Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize Made eye contact with her.
Cesarean Section A neighborhood in Rome.
Colic A sheep dog.
Coma A punctuation mark.
D&C Where Washington is.
Dilate To live long.
Enema Not a friend.
Fester Quicker than someone else.
Fibula A small lie.
Genital Non-Jewish person.
G.I.Series World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail What you hang your coat on.
Impotent Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff A Doctor's cane.
Morbid A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates Cheaper than day rates.
Node I knew it.
Outpatient A person who has fainted.
Ovaries You get to try again. (from wj1001250)
Pap Smear A fatherhood test.
Pelvis Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative A letter carrier.
Recovery Room Place to do upholstery.
Rectum Pretty near killed him.
Secretion Hiding something.
Seizure Roman emperor.
Tablet A small table.
Terminal Illness Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor More than one.
Urine Opposite of you're out.
Varicose Near by/close by.
Question: What do you call the sight of a plumber under the sink with his pants creeping down, exposing his crack?
Answer: Redneck Cleavage.
Question: How long does it takes a redneck to eat road kill?
Answer: It depends on how heavy the traffic is.
Question: What are the last words of a redneck?
Answer: "Hey y'all check this out!"
You know you're staying in a redneck motel, when you call up the front desk to say you gotta leak in the sink, and the guy says, "Go ahead."
Famous last words of a Redneck: "Hey! I got it!"
Redneck ugly date test: Does your dog hump her leg with his eyes open, or shut?
Question: What does a redneck chick say after sex?
Answer: Get off me daddy, your crushing my smokes!
Question: What does a redneck divorce and a tornado have in common?
Answer: One way or the other someone is losing their trailer!
Question: Why do they throw shit on the walls at rednack weddings?
Answer: To keep the flies off the bride!
Question: How do you circumsize a redneck?
Answer: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Question: What is the redneck definition of sexual maturity?
Answer: An eight year old girl who can run faster than her brothers.
Question: What's the redneck motto for sexual maturity?
Answer: After eight it's too late.
Question: What's the difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern fairy tale?
Answer: A northern fairy tale begins with, "Once upon a time. . . " A southern fairy tale begins with, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this . . . "
How many rednecks does it take to eat a 'possum?
Two. One to eat, and one to watch out for traffic.
What do you call a room full of redneck women?
A full set of teeth!
How can you tell a rich redneck from a poor redneck?
The rich redneck has two cars up on blocks in the yard.
Five rednecks drowned in the Ohio river last week. They were trying to dig a basement in the bottom of their houseboat.
-Capo
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