Handy Dandy Bitch Thread

[wasaaabi]

In keeping with the tradition we started back in the days when we were waiting for MTW, it's time to launch the official Rome: Total War Bitch thread. This thread is designed to give you an easy and convenient place to post your planned complaints about RTW before you actually play the game.

Just to chum the waters, as it were, I have provided some samples below:

"The [insert name of unit] are WAY too [over/under] powered!"

"Everybody knows that [insert name of obscure 1st century village] was on the [east/west] side of the [insert river name] river! What kind of morons are CA, anyway!"

"Where are the [orks/tanks/laser troops]?"

or conversely,

"Why are the [unit name] troops equiped with [ancient weapon that no one ever heard of anyway] in [insert century], which is [random number] of years before thet actually appeared? The game is ruined!"

"I lost my CD key. Can you send me yours?" (not really a bitch, but thought we might as well go ahead and get it out there)

"The game speed is far too [fast/slow]."

"The game won't run on my [20th century vintage] computer! They should make games for the rest of us!"

"The [ranged weapon units] range is far too [long/short]!"

Any more variations on the theme?

[lars573]

I have one,

"In multiplay campaign faction [Insert name] can own all the others, nerf, nerf, nerf."

"Why are the [unit name] troops equiped with [ancient weapon that no one ever heard of anyway] in [insert century], which is [random number] of years before thet actually appeared? The game is ruined!"

^that is one of my problems and I try to deal with is every day. Some days it's easier than others

Or how about this,

"Elephants should be removed from online battles so that I can use [Insert faction without elephants] who are my favorite, and not get owned by the elephant whores."

[Nelson]

"The scissor units are broken. Paper units defeat scissor units sometimes whereas one of my rock units could not overwhelm a scissor unit. We have been betrayed!"

[Tamur]

"I can't [move/ship] my armies from [insert province] to [insert province 2000 miles away] in one turn. Why couldn't they make this more like MTW!?!?!"

[Gregoshi]

Beautiful. wasaaabi, thank you for this wonderful service to the community. You should be knighted.

[Orda Khan]

Beautiful. wasaaabi, thank you for this wonderful service to the community. You should be knighted.

Well personally Gregoshi I find the content of this thread rather insulting.

There are a lot of people with sound historical knowledge in these forums, people who can contribute a lot.

This low little jibe should be treated with the contempt it deserves IMO

......Orda

[wasaaabi]

Lighten up, amigo. It's a game, not a religion.

[Tamur]

*nudges Orda* ...this is the part where we make fun of ourselves...

[wasaaabi]

Just thought of another:

"The game won't run on my [obscure video card that never sold more than 50 units, purchased on eBay with no documentation]! Why doesn't CA support the community!"

[Gregoshi]

Orda, I think you are taking it too serious. First of all, there will be many complaints such as those above, because we are all different. Just look at the arguments about cav speed in STW & MTW over the years - in the same thread you have people saying they are too fast, too slow or just right. Reminds me of Goldilocks and the Three Bears.

Secondly, the premise of the thread is for making complaints "before you have played the game". Heck, even several weeks after the games release might be too soon for some judgements on the game. Example, remember the uproar over rebellions during the first month or so of MTW release? It took some time for someone to figure out how to elminate that threat and nowadays it is only a problem for those new to the game. I think the humour here is in anticipating people's rashness to judge the game before understanding it.

I've seen these very types of post through the release of two TW games and their two expansions. I thought it quite funny.

As for the historical accuracies complaints that seem to have offended you, perhaps you have a point there, but I think it depends upon where you draw the line between nitpicking and valid comments on historical inaccuracies. Example, five minutes into a screening of the movie Gettysburg for American Civil War experts, one commented "I didn't know there were any FAT Confederates" when a rather rotund Confederate sentry appeared on the screen. The observation may have been historically correct, but it didn't ruin the movie for millions of moviegoers. Other than those types of comments it depends where you stand on the game play vs accuracy. In fairness, perhaps there should be another complaint to poke fun at the "game play" crowd: "Dude, why can't [insert unit] do some awesome magic like they can in [insert fantasy game]?" Better?

[Orda Khan]

Of course you are right Greg

I pressed ' submit reply ' before I thought a while. It's been a particularly bad day, I saw the remarks concerning historical knowledge and I went and bit first time I really should know better but you know what it's like, sometimes your guard is down

....Orda

[crushinator]

I agree with Gregoshi, its a great thread :D

My complaint is that I have a [insert uber expensive computer here] and can run RTW at [insert incredibly high figure here] fps ... why didn't CA add [insert complex latest shader techniques + atmospheric effects here] to make the most of the latest hardware .... and while on the subject of performance, it runs terrible on my [insert ancient lowspec laptop here] ... not enough optimisation !!!!!

[Gregoshi]

I'm right?!

Hehe, no problem Orda. Your comments didn't really sound like you when I read them. The bad day would explain that. I hope your day gets better.

[Tamur]

"I know I can offer to attack another faction, etc, but why didn't CA include the option to offer [insert pet negotiating tool]?!"

[ah_dut]

fools... gregoshi is never wrong.................... least not in my experiance

[Lord of the Isles]

Ah, happy days...

Cavalry are way too [under/over] powered; in real life they would [smash through/be decimated] when attacking [insert unit of choice].

I've built a Trading Post but I'm not getting any money from it?

The computer cheats!! I've played a turn 167 times and the only time it didn't leave a province open is the one time I attacked it!

Where's the patch?!!!

[Lord Godfrey]

“This game is way too easy, especially since whenever (insert challenging event such as lost battle, rebellion or enemy invasion) happens I just reload a saved game”

[andrewt]

Why doesn't CA release this game on [Obscure OS nobody else knows]?

I have RTW running with [Insert names of dozens of programs] running in the background. Why is my game so choppy?

I haven't read even a single word from the manual yet. Why does [feature] not work?

Why is my home country [tiny hamlet not even on the map] not included as a playable faction?

[Nelson]

I've seen these very types of post through the release of two TW games and their two expansions. I thought it quite funny.

Too right there, Greg.

Perhaps the most valuable service the org delivers is the therapeutic amusement we provide to the developers at CA. As they toil away to build a game that we alternately love or hate they can at least enjoy a grin or two from our shenanigans.

It is nice to have a thread for taking the piss out of ourselves!

[Voigtkampf]

Indeed. When the time comes where you can't make fun of yourself, then the time has come where one has lost his sense of humor!

[ShadesPanther]

"OMG I just watched [Insert Hollywood-made film name] and they showed a [Insert strange description here]. That would make a perfect unit for the [insert faction here]"

[Steppe Merc]

Sheesh! Where this one:
"Why can't I play as the [Insert any of non-Roman factions all of which are cooler than Rome any way, (execpt for Egypt)]? GAHHHH!" :goes around gnawing random things rabidly:
Or,
"this games sux. i don't know what a rome is! and what is a [insert the name of a unit any idiot would know by name]? pigs are rox!"

[wasaaabi]

And not to forget:

"ppl wut r codz i need cuz these spear dudz keep killing my dudz so how do i [insert name of foolish RTS function] cuz i cant loze cause i'm l33t".

[Alexander the Pretty Good]

"I hate CA! Why can't they release a version for computers that have [insert name of a device that is not a CD drive but kinda like a floppy drive] and not a CD drive !??!? They must hate the community!"

"I wanna play the [insert name of a random, Galactic Battlegrounds civilization] instead of Rome!!! Where are they???"

"I find the lack of the [insert name of lack of obscure ethnic tribe now long extinct] to be highly insulting!!! Those [insert profanities] bigots at CA!!!"

Great thread!

[Insert compliemts here]

(Woops, got carried away )

[Kraxis]

"OMG why does the [insert faction] have the [insert strange unit]? Everybody knows the [insert another faction that doesn't even appear in the game] had them..."

[frogbeastegg]

Why is [insert unit type here] so crap!? back in [STW/MTW/both] they were great and I used them a lot. Is this game bugged or are CA just messing with us vets? This crap makes me want to [mod it/scream for a patch/throw game away in disgust]

This game is racist because [insert unit here] is [crap/uber/not available/dorky] I'm going to [sue CA/go to the press/melt my CDs over a red hot flame in protest]

Um, this is an embarrassing question since I'm a vet but [how do I trade/get this unit/use this function] I swear CA are doing this to [annoy me/play with my mind/make my life hard/destroy the good name of TW] I never had this problem with the other TW games, RTW is so [badly thought out/different/:insert funny smiley here:]

[Captain Fishpants]

LOL!

Gil and I have just spent a happy five minutes giggling like loons at this thread. Thanks muchly for the happiness boost.

[Lord Ovaat]

Personally, I think this is a great thread. Nothing better to create humility than poking fun at yourself. And that's what it's doing. And--from past experience--each of the "bitches" will pop up at some time in the future. We already know that. LOL.

I play Call of Duty with a team, and a recurrent "bitch" over the last year has been concerning "Tommy Whores". (People who only use the Thompson) When I read the "elephant whore" comment, I really cracked-up. Now, that's funny. But sadly, someone will bring it up before long.

At any rate, thanks for the thread. It made my day yesterday. And since yesterday wasn't a good day, the laugh was appreciated.

[lars573]

I know all about tommy whores believe me. I put that down because I've been to the age of mythology forums and there my elephants comment is repeated ad nausium about some facet of AOM or other. Another reason I put it down is because Armoured elephants are the single most powerful unit type CA has ever put in a TW game. Why you ask well, in other RTS games the dev's compensated for the elephant offensive/defensive power by making it slow as molases running up hill in january. Not CA they put in an elephant that has a big powerful charge and a ranged attack. The only other games I've played that have elephant units similar to RTW is Dynasty warrior 3/4 and Kessen 2. So it stands to reason that some person out there in the online battle world more concerned with winning than playing the game will make an army with nothing but elephants and armoured elephants with maxed out valour/hounor weapons and armour stats.

[Myrddraal]

When I read the "elephant whore" comment, I really cracked-up. Now, that's funny. But sadly, someone will bring it up before long.

So it stands to reason that some person out there in the online battle world more concerned with winning than playing the game will make an army with nothing but elephants and armoured elephants with maxed out valour/hounor weapons and armour stats.

Right on cue lars573

How about this:

"Why isn't [Insert game feature] like in MTW. This means I need to re-learn how to play, CA never told us this would be a new game!"