Village Murder. A WW1 tragic

[Warluster]

Village Murder
1915 Western Front



Name: John Thompson Age: 16
Nationality: Australian Occupation: Soldier Born: 1899-1956

The mud at his feet, the lice crawling over him sinking fangs, shells landing. He looked over the trench wall at the village. There is where they had to get. But he looked at the battalion moving out now; they went over the top… and were slaughtered. Limbs were shot off, men turned into bloody pulps. All day their was the sound of dying men. Finally some said “I’m getting them”

Them must mean the people on the battlefield. He went over … “I’m nearly there, uhh!” straight in the head. “Let’s get ready!!” yelled an officer. The whistle blew and over they went into hell. Bullets flying, Men disappearing and dirt raining. When they reached the trench there was only 500 out of 4000 remaining. They got out their and totally cut up the enemy. Having to step over their fallen comrades, they went into the village. John just sat down and cried, cried for his friends, the civilians and the sights.

As the week went on some wondered where the rest of army was. Rumor came, mutiny talk came, but there was nowhere to go. “where we going?!” he yelled over the battle. “How am I supposed to Know!” But he went down barely after the sentence was finished. They were on the brink of surrendering when they were relieved. One great battle to change all…


Can you give feedback!Plus new edition coming soon! New one about the whole war!

[Ludens]

You've described the trench experience very well, which is impressive since the story is so fast paced. You really need to slow down. For example, in Musket Murder one sentence the officer walked out of his hut, the next they are fighting a battle. What happened in between? I think you need to take some time to describe what is happening, and what the relation with the protagonist is.

I hope you found this helpfull.

[Warluster]

Thanks for the Info! Right now i am making a book about ww1. It is so far 30 pages and it describes in between the battles!

[matteus the inbred]

I'm in agreement with Ludens here Warluster...having read all your stories I think you could write something very dramatic and action packed, if you take the time to develop the plot and characters more. That said, I don't think I've ever read anything quite like your stuff before, a whole story full of 'fast cuts' might be quite effective...anyway, keep it going.

[Csargo]

I agree with matteus and Ludens it's a little too fast paced you should slow it down some go into more detail on things. Also something that caught my eye is that you have when he was born which is ok but you shouldn't put when he dies that kinda lets the reader know that he will not die anytime soon which should really be a suprise when your reading. You won't know whether he lives or dies just my thoughts. But its very good but a little short can't wait for the next installment.

[Warluster]

Village Murder 2

Name: John Thompson Age: 18 Occupation: Officer

Flanders 1917

The place stunk of death. I looked out the window as the transport truck rolled along. Bomb holes were everywhere and bodies which had missing arms or missing legs. 3 years of fighting, over 1 million people killed and were still fighting, at least peace will come. If I survive I shall not to be able to be sitting in a silent place, I will need to hear the sound of guns!! “Men, if you get through this, live a good clean life because life is too short to be arguing with people, one day there might be a war and you have been arguing all your life, and then you die, not a good life…” I yelled out. And then the driver yelled out “10 more minutes, get ready!” That was when we heard the sound of bombs going of near by and a crackling of rifles, we were back. As we got out we saw more sights of war., the ground churned up by bombs, mud everywhere and the constant droning of planes in the sky. I looked up at them; they chased each other around like birds spurting out bullets when there close enough. But then the noise of planes got closer. There was a squadron of German Bombers heading straight for us! I ran straight for a ditch. Lucky I did not get to the ditch because the bomb landed right in that ditch. It flung me like a doll over the landscape. Someone came over to see if I was okay and they helped me up. We than marched over to a trench a waited for a battle which was to happen tomorrow morning. There was not much to explain over the night, but in the morning there was a great fear in the air. There were tanks coming. We then got our rifles ready and prepared for the whistle. And then it came. We charged in shooting on the move we then got into contact with them and started close combat. After a while the fighting started stopping. Then a loud droning noise started. There were the bombers again! They came like hawks looking for prey. There was a sudden silence then a boom-boom-boom sound as a line of bombs fell. I jumped into the German and waited. When it was over I quickly jumped out of it and saw something amazing. There were troop transports with reinforcements and tanks. The day was ours…
One great battle to change them all.

[The Stranger]

Is it just me or do you end all your stories with "Just one battle to change all."

It must sound cliche to hear but it is indeed very fast. I don't want to say that you need to slow down the story pace, just add a few pieces that explain a little bit more. For example who is who. Who is saying something, and if you don't know who is saying something, write it like somebody yelled it.

You should also check for errors. In the first sentence i saw "lice", i think you meant mice, though im not sure. I also spotted a few other errors, not much though you should get them out.

Other than that, it is quite good. I like the theme, and i would see some more. If part to is a sequence to this, why not put it all in one thread?

The funny thing is i'm also writing a serie of stories about WW1, i have 3 stories now, a bit longer than yours... ill see if i have time to translate them and post them here. I'm also writing a same project but about medieval Hungaria... though school halted both projects.

[Ludens]

I've merged the two Village Murder and the two RIS threads because six active threads is a bit too much in my opinion.

It must sound cliche to hear but it is indeed very fast. I don't want to say that you need to slow down the story pace, just add a few pieces that explain a little bit more. For example who is who. Who is saying something, and if you don't know who is saying something, write it like somebody yelled it.

I think the Stranger right. Because it is a short story the fast pace is not a bad thing, but you need to take some time to explain things. For example, in the second part of RIS you are writing about a group of revolutionaries. Who are they? What are they fighting for? Why are the British invading in Gibraltar? More information on the background would be appreciated.

[The Stranger]

seriouslY :D i'm right? YEAH!!! and its my B-DAY... sorry... wont happen again boss.

[Warluster]

Huh??

[Warluster]

New one coming soon!