Toaster Intensity Pointless Poll

[Kongamato]

I'm sorry, but my lack of sleep has caused me to forget to add an actual poll here. Arrg, this is embarrassing. Would you all mind just writing down "Gah!" or your opinions here? I'll try not to screw up next time.


As there is no lack of flowers at blossom time, so shall there be numerous and varied opinions on how the toaster shall be set. For my next pointless poll, I'd like to know what kind of toast you prefer. Do you prefer slightly warmed bread which causes your fellow breakfast eaters to question the point of using the toaster at all, or do you prefer the moderate texture of classic, golden-brown perfection, OR do you prefer a charred, black slice of brimstone which, upon first sight, silences everyone in the room except for the occasional Geiger counter?

I prefer toast which has no attributes of the extremes. I don't want soft stuff that tastes like it did when it went in the toaster. I also don't want anything to be charred, even the crusts. Right now, the taste of anything that's burnt evokes the instinctual brain response of "Dude, you ain't supposed to eat this".

To get you in the mood for toast...

Feel the Pwr!

Please vote, and Happy Toasting!

[Adrian II]

As there is no lack of flowers at blossom time, so shall there be numerous and varied opinions on how the toaster shall be set.

A matter of the utmost irrelevance, no doubt. First of all I am very particular about my choice of toaster ever since an Italian designed oval-shaped contraption purporting to be a toaster exploded on me at 6.13 am on a rainy day. It went 'pop!' with unmistakeable Sicilian panache and an entire panel just flew across the kitchen floor. When I took it to a technologically sophisticated neighbour, he shook his head and in clear breach of designer-omerta murmured that he was surprised the thing had ever worked at all. Since that day - hear ye, hear ye - I stick to German toasters only.

Now, to the actual business at hand. For breakfast I prefer two lightly toasted square slices of white bread of a kind Dutchmen call 'casino', well-done in the middle and around the edges (without a trace of blackening though) to the point of being crusty altogether without entirely losing that distinctly sour whiff of freshly-risen dough that one encounters, in its most developed form, in the inimitable French baguette. To be served lightly buttered (creamy, non-salted butter, not margarine) and topped with a thin spread of confiture. Three cups of steaming hot Arabica coffee, a freshly rolled cigarette and some excessively vulgar morning papers as well as the occasional bout of early morning sex are necessary complements to a satisfying breakfast experience.

On an end note I have to compliment you, Kongamato, on what is without any doubt the most pointless poll this board had witnessed so far.

EDIT
Forgetting to include the actual poll makes it even more pointless. We are going from strength to strength here, bravo!

[Ja'chyra]

First of all I would like to add my congratulations to that of Adrian's for this inane piece of pointlessness, truly inspired.

Moving on to the serious, and often ignored, subject of breakfastly perfection, namely toast.

Toast, as we all know, should be a rich golden brown colour with a crispy texture on the outside while still remaining soft on the inside, somewhat like an armidillo. Many a morning I have struggled with the timer setting to achieve this heaven sent level of sensory excellence only to have "She who must be obeyed" ruin it by "Number 2 does everything."

Moving swiftly on, to prevent the recurring nightmares, we come to topping, the topping should not be underestimated and can make or break any breakfast. Ideally it should be Dairylea spreading cheese taken stright from the fridge and left on top of the toaster to facilitate easy spreading. Said Dairylea should, in all instances, be spread so that it completely covers one whole side of the toast and end no more than 2mm from any and all edges.

The only thing missing now is the beverage. The pinnacle of taste sensations is, of course, Hot Chocolate and should, in all occasions, be accompanied with a healthy topping of whisked cream.

So, gentlemen, I present to you the culinary delight that is, toast.

[English assassin]

This is truly the ne plus ultra of pointlessness.

It depends on the purpose you have in mind for the toast. For a peanut butter sandwich, the merest introduction to the toaster is sufficient. For marmite on toast, on the other hand, a good stay in the toaster is required, producing at least a dark brown, with some blackening acceptable.

Don't overlook also the need to recalibrate your toaster for different breakfast time comestibles, for instance I find crumpets require a surprisingly high setting, and hypothesise that they have higher thermal conductivity than bread, this conducting heat into the cold heart of the crumpet. Pitta breads, on the other hand, seem to need no time at all before the steam inside is capable of inflicting third degree burns. Pity tht poor toaster ingenu who puts a pitta in on a crumpet setting.

As for the toaster, It has to be a dualit 4 slot.

[Hosakawa Tito]

You may think it pointless, till you do battle with the wife over the appropriate setting. I like mine golden brown; she likes barely warm (or more like stale bread as I so foolishly commented). Thus we have Toaster Wars. The adjustment dial gets twisted from one extreme to the next, and is never set where the individual using the toaster at the time desires it to be. Leading to much consternation if one forgets to check beforehand. The solution: a 4 slice model with an adjustment dial for each pair of slots. That little baby has restored harmony to the household, and probably saved our marriage. Though I still can't resist, on occasion, turning both dials up to where I like it, just for fun.

[TheSilverKnight]

I like my toast like this: Not blackened, but not white. I like some darkness, not a lot, not so that it's pale, I enjoy a crunchy toast, but not too crunchy, and if it's not crunchy enough, then I go crazy. Mum has a bad habit of changing the dial where I have it preset for my toast...so occasionally, I get a bad piece of toast, and I blame her...well that's pretty much how my toast style is. A model for people to live by

[Beirut]

Mmmmmm.... toasters.

I grew up in a house with ten people and we had a four-slice restaurant quality toaster hard wired into the wall. It was a thing of beauty.

I like mine on the dark side of golden brown,

[Kongamato]

Excellent replies! I learn more about people from these threads than from reading them bark at each other in the backroom. My house has had probably a half-dozen different toasters over the years. I'd suppose it would get annoying after a while, but it does take care of what to get for mother's day. We usually go for something that can handle long pieces of bread as well as bagels. Having to wedge a burning hot bagel out of a tiny toaster slot is not the way I prefer to get up in the morning, even if it is quite an effective way of getting the blood pumping. This was the worst when we had this silly "automatic" toaster that would raise and lower the bread by itself. It could never be trusted, and without a manual lever, getting bagels out was somewhat of an adventure. However, we had nothing like what happened with AdrianII. I think that Sicilian toaster was meant for somebody else, probably some goomba who forgot about his protection payments.

The family has 4 different preferences, so the dial gets moved a lot also. My mother prefers warm bread(of course), my father likes it slightly blackened, and my older brother burns the #$%* out of his toast, and then proceeds to cover it with a spray bottle of "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter". He must spray at least two dozen times on each piece. We started calling the stuff "Spray N' Wash" due to this habit of his. Being a bag-whelp at the nearby grocery store, I knew my grocery products and suggested that he try the cheaper, store-brand stuff called "Is It Butter?". He did not take me up on this.

[Big King Sanctaphrax]

I generally go for a reasonably high toaster intensity, so I know that what I'm eating is actually toast, rather than warm, floppy bread. If I wanted that I'd just stick it in the moicrowave, it's achieve the same thing. As for coulour, I like it to be like the title of a Stranglers song.

My current toaster, however, sucks more than you can imagine. Firstly, the automatic pop-up mechanism only works if you're trying to create coke for use in a blast furnace, rather than toast. This means that you have to sit there, squinting down the bread slot, trying to to see if it's done yet.

Secondly, it's not big enough! If I want to toast anything bigger than a teacake, like A SLICE OF BREAD I have to turn it over.

I need a new toaster.

[Beirut]

BKS,

I think there was a toaster in Alan's Psychadelic Breakfast.

Try that one.

[Big King Sanctaphrax]

Ah, Atom Heart Mother...don't you just love it?

I took a picture of a cow in a field once, it looked exactly like the album cover. I'll see if I can find it.

[Adrian II]

I learn more about people from these threads than from reading them bark at each other in the backroom.

I found it amazing that some of our battle-hardened samurai, knights and centurions apparently still live with their moms 'n dads. As for those who regularly find themselves engaged in Toaster Battles, I can only say I must be doing something right since my significant other more often than not makes my toast for me. Maybe it's because little gestures like that bring out the best in me. I prefer to think it's something in my voice, a semblance of respectability that I am appararently able to maintain even while prancing about the house in an advanced state of undress.

My house has had probably a half-dozen different toasters over the years.

Yes, most of them have a tendency to burn themselves out, short-circuit or lose control of their spring mechanism, resulting in fly-by toast or charcoal configurations that would easily make it through the final selection for any postmodern art exposition.

However, this little baby has been designed by Herr Doktor Siemens himself with the intention to last his clientele a lifetime:



It is the Toaster Polti Easy Brunch 2000, according to Herr Doktor a toaster of eleganter Design in dem die viele Zweckdienlichkeiten ein perfektes Gleichgewicht finden. Jawohl!

You will forgive me for not labouring the unspeakable things your older brother does to his morning toast. Suffice it to say that where I live butter does not come in spray cans. People have been hanged for less.

[Ronin]

gold man.....toast is supposed to be gold

[Beirut]

This is the one that looks most like the one we had. And the stupid thing is $700! Gah! Oh well, daddy had money.

[BDC]

This is the one that looks most like the one we had. And the stupid thing is $700! Gah! Oh well, daddy had money.

$700 on a toaster?

Canadians...

[Adrian II]

$700 on a toaster? Canadians...

Well, it looks like a 1965 NASA experiment that never made it into orbit. I guess you pay for appearances, too, BDC. Unless you buy German of course...

[English assassin]

Surely being in a spray can rather defeats the point of "I can't believe its not butter"?

I can see the advert now...

"Mmmmmm, I can't believe its not Butter !!"

"Well I can, you dofus, when did you last see butter in a spray can for a start."

I'm a bit baffled by the "cheaper, store-brand stuff called "Is It Butter?". " Is this ACTUALLY butter, then, or some other horrible petrochemical byproduct?

And for $700 my toaster would, at the least, have to make tea and read the newspapers to me as well as make toast. Even if it was made in Germany.

[Adrian II]

And for $700 my toaster would, at the least, have to make tea and read the newspapers to me as well as make toast. Even if it was made in Germany.

Reminds me of what Camus said about the way future historians will probably speak about us: modern man fornicated and read the papers. At least part of that burden could be shared by a solid German toaster. As for the other part, even German toasters have their limits. Although I never really tried....

[Hosakawa Tito]

$700 toasters And here I thought only the US Armed Forces overpaid for mundane stuff (like $500 toilet seats and $300 hammers).

[English assassin]

Alas for Camus, he was only half right, and its the half the German toaster can't help with...

Or as modern man might put it "Camus? Footballer was 'e?"

(Joke intended)

[Adrian II]

Alas for Camus, he was only half right, and its the half the German toaster can't help with...

As a matter of fact Camus did more than alright in that department. BTW wasn't he a pool champ? Guess my toaster should read more papers.

[Beirut]

Not sure our toaster cost $700, but it looked exactly like the $700 model in the pic. This was in the late '60s and early '70s when we had ours.

But what a toaster! Eight kids and two adults. Figure at 2 to 3 slices per day per person, that makes over 10,000 a year. And we had that thing for eons. I have no doubt that gorgeous hunk of silver toast making goodness pumped out at least 50,000 slices!

Yeah *!#?*^# toaster! Yeah!

[Hosakawa Tito]

Anyone ever hear the "Toast Song"? I've heard it on the radio once and awhile, also saw it performed on the Comedy Channel once, funny as hell. Here's the lyrics:

"TOAST"
all around the country and coast to coast
people always say "what do you like most?"
i dont wanna brag, i dont wanna boast
i always tell'em i like toast
ya toast!
ya toast!
i get up in the morning about 6 am
have a lil jelly, have a lil jam
take a piece of bread put it in the slot
push down the lever and the wires get hot
i get toast
ya toast!
ahhhhahh toast!
now there's no secret to toasting perfection
there's a dial on the side and you make your selection
you push to the dark or the light and then
if it pops up too soon, press down again
make toast
ya toast!
mumbling toast
when the first caveman drove in from the dregs
he didnt know what would go with the bacon and the eggs
must of been a genius got it in his head
plug the toaster in the wall and bought a bag of bread..
and make toast
ya toast!
ugh hmmmmmmm
oh oui oui,monseiur bon jour croquette
uh huh croissant chevy covertte
maurice chevalier eiffel tower
oh oui marie baguettue bon soir
FRENCH TOAST!
FRENCH TOAST!
in (city) or where the heck i am right now
yeah toast
yea hey he hmmm....
TOAST!

[mfberg]

My iron, set on cottons (with no water), do not press down, move it around enough to get the edges, flip the toast and iron the other side. Perfectamundo!!

I also have a "toaster" oven that I would not trust to toast bagels.

Bread - Homemade whole wheat is the best

Toppings - crushed garlic in olive oil or honey and oleo

mfberg

(is it that obvious that I am single?)

[TonkaToys]

Inspired pointlessness!

Steaming Hot Light Golden Brown White Bread Toast generously covered with glorious Local Honey served with freshly brewed, strong white Tea; producing an effect reminiscent of the colour of an Autumn morning on Dartmoor with the sun peeking through the mists, whilst small ponies prance through streams of icy cold water, celebrating in their own special way the joy of living.

or if my g/f gets to the toaster first...

Pale, rancid, flaccid, underdone warm bread with a microlayer of low fat chemical medley served with a so-called drink of instant coffee, rather like a bloated corpse of a rat floating down a sewer with a film of grease following it along.

...
Toppings - crushed garlic in olive oil ...

(is it that obvious that I am single?)

LOL With that toppings you are going to stay that way!

[Adrian II]

Behold the monument.

[Craterus]

Wow, I've heard the legends about this thread.. I never thoguht I'd actually see it..

Btw, I like my toast, lightly done, definitely not burnt.