Yes, that was it. The problem is that those two scenes (the telephone call and the explosion) are not continuous: they are separated by the scene of the man escaping from the cryo pod (not to mention that they were posted three days apart).Originally Posted by Monk
There were also a few style issues I wanted to comment on. First, your use of extremely long sentences. Long sentences are part of your style, and I am not saying you should stop using them, but making the really long ones somewhat shorter will make the story easier to scan. It often looks like you are trying to make one sentence do the work of two.
Two other things:
Both 'military' and the councilman's ridicule are stressed thrice! You are not developing a habit of over-explaining yourself, are you? This can be very hard to get rid of, as yours truly can attestThe second laughed, “Are you suggesting that ten larval stage specimens took down the entire station?” he grinned at the very thought, it was ridiculous to him. “A station, mind you, that served as a military outpost!” he emphasized the word ‘military’ as it was true that nearly 70% of the former crew was combat personnel..
Seriously, this about the only place where you overemphasize explanations, but it is rather obvious here.
In the first place: this sentence is actually two sentences separated by a comma. This is grammatically wrong: if you have to put two independent sentences in one sentence, separate them with a semicolon. Secondly, for the entire scene we cannot read the thoughts of any character, except here, were you tell us one character is lying. It would have been better if you had used another way to make clear that they had broken the treaty. “Show, don’t tell”, as they say.“How have we Violated the treaty!” the first councilman nearly shouted, he made no attempt to hide his anger, trying to hide the fact they were right.
I hope you found this helpful and I eagerly await your next episode,
Ludens
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