My Story:the attack

[master of the puppets]

I have been told i am a good story teller so i think i will write a little and see what the most astute persons of this forum think of it.

[master of the puppets]

The cruelty of war they talked about, those prisioner in there strange tounges. the encroaching walls of men the thrill of a cavalry charge and the roar of battle. oh i grew up in the majestic city of messela it used to glow white with marble under the sicilian sun. as a boy i would run down the main road past the stalls bearing food and treasures. yelling and chasing my friends around the street waving our wooden gladius's. marcus my longtime friend whose family had always been in good fortune had a goat borne chariot he woulsd ride around the square yelling. on the third day after our lessons from the old greek teacher we would atempt to escape our chores to go to the legionair barracks. they would throw there pilums and fight among themselves waving there gladius's in ways we could not imitate, fighting hand on hand or with only there shields. many of my friends went to the stadium to watch the gladiators but they were mere criminals condemned to die with no honor or duty to rome the legions fight like men.

... in retrospect that kinda sucks i wish in could take it all back mabey i'll give it another shot some other time...

[KukriKhan]

Greetings master of the puppets, welcome to the Org

Look at it as a rough, first draft - the kind all writers crumple up after writing, even tho' they contain the seeds of a future story. Give it another shot, I say - it'll help when you get an edit-button on advancement to Member; for now, I suggest you use the "preview post" button before you submit.

By the way, I removed your mild curses to remind all that we go by a strictly PG rating here (we have members here from age 10 thru 71). No offense intended, just a friendly reminder of the rules.

[Ludens]

I agree with KurkiKhan: it contains the seeds of a good story, though I do think it needs a thorough grammar check. Remember: a well-written one with a bad narrative reads better a badly written story with a good narrative . Therefore I always wait a few days before posting my own stories, as to better spot my mistakes.

But if you like stories, why don't you visit the Mead Hall? It is a bit down the forum list, a sub-forum of the story/PBM one. We can always use a new writer there, especially since things have been awfully slow lately.