City gates - a right royal pain in the bum

[rebelscum]

Lol, thanks guys, i knew re-posting was worth it!

[The Stranger]

havent seen you around for an long time

[dulsin]

I like attacking to the right of the main gate since pushing through the wall gets you a nearly direct path to the center of large cities.

The only problem is all the troops seem to HAVE to walk under the Arc de Triumph there. I know it is good luck and all but there is a wide avenue over to the left ... we can kill the defenders then come back and walk under the arch. Guys?!

[rebelscum]

Has anyone seen diary of a diplomat, for the life of me I can't find my post
If anyone has seen it, please post the link here.

[Ciaran]

My, this threat is hilarious.

Actually, there are some references to the Life of Brian in RTW, most obvious is the description of the Judean Zealots (the Judean People´s Front )

[Brutus]

There's one as well in the discription of the aquaduct ("What have the Romans ever done for us? This, that's what!" )

Really funny thread indeed. Nice to see you reposted the Diary of a diplomat again, Rebelscum, that's absolutely brilliant!

[rebelscum]

I'm ROFLMAO. I got another one. I just had a bridge battle with the Gauls near Massilia. Half way through the battle I noticed the gaul light inf were moving near the edge of the water, then they started to wade in, waist high then neck high. Then they proceeded to drown in droves.

This caused a mass panic and they decided to rout, not away from the bridge like you would think, but over it into the waiting arms of my cavalry! Where they all died to a man, and most ungraciously (*shrugging* and saying things like, mon deu, c'est las vie, je ne compreds pas, etc etc, yes I know my French is crap and yes I know the gauls didn't speak French )
Now I haven't played much since the patch and my last job in London where I was away all day. But surely this never happend post patch, or not that I could remember.
Then when the massacre was over, one of my units heading over the bridge decided to wade in too, I only just caught it before the entire unit was lost. I cursored around for a while looking at the bodies lying at the bottom of the river.
You would have thought the Gauls could swim, they all look like Mark Spitz (for all you young uns, Olympic multi gold medal winning swimmer and Gaul impersonator).

Sacre bleu, A gaul if I ever saw one.

[Hold Steady]

Had a battle yesterday evening, the (stupid) numidians attacking Carthage with a zillion libian cavalry and a few skirmisher foot units. I had one slinger unit and a skirmisher myself and of course large walls. So, I finished of the two foot units with missiles and there they stood for the remainder of the day, half a stack of nubian missile cavalry.
Being bored I sallied out with one such unit myself to tease a few to the walls. one or two followed and a returned inside, except one lone cavalier kept riding in circles inside the gatehouse ^%$%^#!
Luckily the enemy didn't follow (not that I fear the head-on charge of light infantry, but anyhow, and I wonder at which level of walls you get the hot oil..) but it kept circling there for minutes, only to come inside after moving the entire unit a few steps further (they allready were at the town square).

Rabied horse?
Rabied rider?

Numidian Libyan cavalry captain: The Gate is left open, attack! This is our chance!
cavalrist1: No way dude, that horse is foaming, frothing from the mouth. No way I get near that beast. Haven't had my shots, my mother never gave permission for the vaccin, she's got some religion against needles.
Captain: You idiot! He's foaming because he's been running around in circles all day.
cavalrist2: Looks to me we got ourselves a regular chicken-egg enigma..
Captain: Ehh? What's that?
cavalrist2: well, which was first? Has the circling caused the foaming or is it foaming because of rabies? In which case it must be circling because of rabies and hence it foams. Fascinating dilemma really..
cavalrist3: indeed
cavalrist4-60: *looking puzzled*
cavalrist1: You cannot take too many chances. I'm staying. My health is my most prized possesion.
Captain: I will take that job offer up for saharan camel driver now that I think of it. Nothing wrong with staring to the stars over a camp fire of camel dung.

[The Stranger]

Rebelscum check the library in the meadhall (the sticky) you ca find it in R of rebelscum

[rebelscum]

Ah the old 'mead hall library ploy' eh. I must remember that when I want to really annoy someone.
Thanks Stranger, BTW I re-posted DOAD on this forum.

[rebelscum]

Oh dear oh dear oh dear, during one of my latest battles, both armies suddenly dissapeared apart from their banners.
Zooming closer I could see them, it was sort of like some low lying fog had obscured my view of the army. When I zoomed out again they dissapeared back into the 'fog'. I waited to see what would happen, and I saw the Gauls unit flags continue to approach my army flags and begin to annihalate them by the sound of it. My flags then routed off the battlefield. What fun.

General: Where'd everybody go? Centurion, Centurion, where the hell are you?
Cent: Here sir.
General: Where?
Centurion: I can hear you but I can't see you.
General: Me too .. what happened to the troops?
Centurion: Well they were ahead of me a minute ago just as we started attacking up the hill!
General: Well you better find them and tell them to retreat until we find out whats going on.
*sounds of battle and screaming*
Centurion: Erm, we may be a little late.
*retreat!, retreat!, we are being attacked!, sounds of hundreds of footsteps running past*
General: Centurion .. Centurion.
Centurion: Yes sir.
*sound of Gaulish war cry comes from all around*
General: Were dead.
Centurion: I know sir, sorry sir.

[The Stranger]

DOAD???, was that, do you remember me i used to be Emperor Umeu I

[The Stranger]

DOAD oh yeah i'll check it out

[rebelscum]

DOAD???, was that, do you remember me i used to be Emperor Umeu I

Didn't you used to be 'symbol' formerly known as Emperor?

[Hold Steady]

Didn't you used to be 'symbol' formerly known as Emperor?

I'm really not following this DOAD stuff.. Similar to the onset of sudden fog.

[rebelscum]

DOAD = diary of a diplomat, look for the post on this forum

[Celt Centurion]

The spy sitting in a city is supposed to open the gates for you if you're lucky... but somehow, it never happened to me, even if I had 50% chance of it happen. I don't even know how it looks like when he does that...

If the spy does not get thrown out on his butt, (mine usually does), just as you begin an assault, and you have the screen to "fight on battle map", or "autoresolve", there will be a picture on the right side of that panel of a stone wall with an open gate, and text telling you that the gates will be open.

Usually, I prefer to put lots of siege towers, at least 6, more if I think to make more during a siege, and put men directly over the gate, even if it is open, which will keep boiling oil out of your collar. Last night, I did it differently, and just charged through the gate, expecting losses, but fortunately for me that time, no boiling oil came down.

Anyway, just look for the "open gate" picture just before you choose how to resolve the battle.

Strength and Honor

Celt Centurion

[br0kenrabbit]

When deploying at a gate-breaking party, I go in stages. Everything has to be lined up to be deployed properly, though.

-Battering rams (always 3) lined up along one or two sides to best avoid any tower fire. Sometimes you can completly avoid it.

-Behind the battering rams I click and drag my troops to lay out a formation only four rows across (4wide). This allows them to fit through the hole without breaking formation. Velities and Light Aux come first (to break up any defenders), then Aux (to break the inevitable horse charge), then hastati/Early Legion followed by any Legionary Cohorts in the rear.

-The hole furthest from the actual gate is for Aux/Archers/Horses only (again, 4wide). If there are no defenders, the horses go through first to attack the defenders at the other holes from the sides.

-When moving the 4wide formations, once they are at the gate (not through it), click and drag your final formation in the enemy encampment. No one will get hung up if you time it right.

[King Henry V]

I hereby propose the motion that rebelscum be declared the Org's official resident comedian!

[The Stranger]

Didn't you used to be 'symbol' formerly known as Emperor?

alright now i plain english.......cuz i dont understand.

i used to go by the name Emperor Umeu I.....is this one of your jokes Rebelscum cuz your intelectual is far above mine....you know that eh

[rebelscum]

Well it was a play on words to do with the 'artist' formerly known as Prince now known as symbol.
You were formerly known as emperor which is close to prince.

[rebelscum]

The spy sitting in a city is supposed to open the gates for you if you're lucky... but somehow, it never happened to me, even if I had 50% chance of it happen. I don't even know how it looks like when he does that...

If the spy does not get thrown out on his butt, (mine usually does), just as you begin an assault, and you have the screen to "fight on battle map", or "autoresolve", there will be a picture on the right side of that panel of a stone wall with an open gate, and text telling you that the gates will be open.

Celt Centurion

General's Speech: Ok men, when we get to the city, my spy network should have the gate open making it a cakewalk for us to rush in and take the walls and the main courtyard. An easy victory awaits!
Army: Rowdy cheers.

*an hour later*
General: *proud* My men are almost at the walls, the gate should be opening just about .. now ... *nothing happens*
about ... 'now' ... *still nothing happens*
.... NOW *nada*

*tap tap on Generals shoulder*
General: Whaaaa,
Spy: Sssarry bhasss, I ssshouldn't creep up on you like that.
General: *aghast* Why aren't you in the city opening the gates ...
Spy: Sssarry bhasss, I fell asssleep, and when I woke up I was out on my asssss.

[rebelscum]

I hereby propose the motion that rebelscum be declared the Org's official resident comedian!

I am already Emperor Umeu's court jester

[rebelscum]

Rabied horse?
Rabied rider?

Numidian Libyan cavalry captain: The Gate is left open, attack! This is our chance!
cavalrist1: No way dude, that horse is foaming, frothing from the mouth. No way I get near that beast. Haven't had my shots, my mother never gave permission for the vaccin, she's got some religion against needles.
Captain: You idiot! He's foaming because he's been running around in circles all day.
cavalrist2: Looks to me we got ourselves a regular chicken-egg enigma..
Captain: Ehh? What's that?
cavalrist2: well, which was first? Has the circling caused the foaming or is it foaming because of rabies? In which case it must be circling because of rabies and hence it foams. Fascinating dilemma really..
cavalrist3: indeed
cavalrist4-60: *looking puzzled*
cavalrist1: You cannot take too many chances. I'm staying. My health is my most prized possesion.
Captain: I will take that job offer up for saharan camel driver now that I think of it. Nothing wrong with staring to the stars over a camp fire of camel dung.

Makes you think though.
What came first, the disease or the animal with the disease. Lets all go hang Darwin

[The Stranger]

I am already Emperor Umeu's court jester

you are...YEAH he is, and i'm not sharing him unless look here's the you guys better be all cuz if you're no that would be very and i would have to you

[Ragnor_Lodbrok]

Hmmm I'm beginning to think a Monty Python Mod would be a good idea... with siege towers in the shape of giant rabbit, and onager missiles looking remarkably like cows...

Brave sir Robin insteading of routing troops.

[rebelscum]

Yeah and they can all shout 'no I didn't'

[LestaT]

There's a kind of fix to city gate problem , with a mod or somwthing. What it does is change the gate widts so less confusion around. Not sure which file to change though.

[The Stranger]

i dont really think the thread is about that anymore

[Celt Centurion]

The Life of Brian would be more appropriate.
http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Cave...0/lifebrin.txt

My fave bit.

[trumpets]
PONTIUS PILATE: ...Make one large living awea. Ahh.
CENTURION: Hail Caesar.
PILATE: Hail.
CENTURION: Only one survivor, sir.
PILATE: Ah. Thwow him to the floor.
CENTURION: What, sir?
PILATE: Thwow him to the floor.
CENTURION: Ah.
[whump]
BRIAN: Aagh!
PILATE: Hmm. Now, what is your name, Jew?
BRIAN: 'Brian', sir.
PILATE: 'Bwian', eh?
BRIAN: No, no. 'Brian'.
[slap]
Aah!
PILATE: Hoo hoo hoo ho. The little wascal has spiwit.
CENTURION: Has what, sir?
PILATE: Spiwit.
CENTURION: Yes. He did, sir.
PILATE: No, no. Spiwit, siw. Um, bwavado. A touch of dewwing-do.
CENTURION: Oh. Ahh, about eleven, sir.
PILATE: So, you dare to waid us.
BRIAN: To what, sir?
PILATE: Stwike him, Centuwion, vewy woughly!
[slap]
BRIAN: Aaah!
CENTURION: Oh, and, uh, throw him to the floor, sir?
PILATE: What?
CENTURION: Thwow him to the floor again, sir?
PILATE: Oh, yes. Thwow him to the floor, please.
BRIAN: Aah!
[whump]
PILATE: Now, Jewish wapscallion.
BRIAN: I'm not Jewish. I'm a Roman.
PILATE: A Woman?
BRIAN: No, no. Roman.
[slap]
Aah!
PILATE: So, your father was a Woman. Who was he?
BRIAN: He was a centurion in the Jerusalem Garrisons.
PILATE: Weally? What was his name?
BRIAN: 'Nortius Maximus'.
CENTURION: Ahh, ha ha!
PILATE: Centuwion, do we have anyone of that name in the gawwison?
CENTURION: Well, no, sir.
PILATE: Well, you sound vewy sure. Have you checked?
CENTURION: Well, no, sir. Umm, I think it's a joke, sir,... like, uh,
'Sillius Soddus' or... 'Biggus Dickus', sir.
GUARD #4: [chuckling]
PILATE: What's so... funny about 'Biggus Dickus'?
CENTURION: Well, it's a joke name, sir.
PILATE: I have a vewy gweat fwiend in Wome called 'Biggus Dickus'.
GUARD #4: [chuckling]
PILATE: Silence! What is all this insolence? You will find yourself in
gladiator school vewy quickly with wotten behaviour like that.
BRIAN: Can I go now, sir?
[slap]
Aaah! Eh.
PILATE: Wait till Biggus Dickus hears of this.
GUARD #4: [chuckling]
PILATE: Wight! Take him away!
CENTURION: Oh, sir, he-- he only--
PILATE: No, no. I want him fighting wabid, wild animals within a week.
CENTURION: Yes, sir. Come on, you.
GUARD #4: Ha ha haa ha, ha ha ha. Hooo hooo hoo hoo. Hoo hoo...
PILATE: I will not have my fwiends widiculed by the common soldiewy. Anybody
else feel like a little... giggle... when I mention my fwiend... Biggus...
GUARD #1: [chuckling]
PILATE: ...Dickus?
GUARD #1: [chuckling]
PILATE: What about you? Do you find it... wisible... when I say the name...
'Biggus'...
GUARD #3: [chuckle]
PILATE: ...'Dickus'?
GUARD #1 and GUARD #2: [chuckling]
PILATE: He has a wife, you know. You know what she's called? She's
called... 'Incontinentia'. 'Incontinentia Buttocks'.
GUARDS: [laughing]
PILATE: Stop! What is all this?
GUARDS: Ha, ha ha ha ha ha...
PILATE: I've had enough of this wowdy webel sniggewing behaviour. Silence!
Call yourselves Pwaetowian guards? You're not-- Seize him! Seize him!
Blow your noses and seize him!

This is TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Funny!!!

I am still laughing my head off!

Celt Centurion