Diary of a diplomat

**Somebody Else** · 12-10-2004, 08:06

Good... but neglected to sell him map information.

**Shadow** · 12-10-2004, 12:50

More!!!!!

**KiOwA** · 12-10-2004, 14:44

Excellent rib, man. Sums up nicely how crocked diplomacy can be at times.

**rebelscum** · 12-10-2004, 17:22

The month of Set 252 BC, Pharaohs palace, Memphis
Teenage Pharaoh: Akhaennuit, my most influential diplomat. Mother asks, *reads quickly from scroll*, What news from Sidon? Have we broken the seige? Are my armies victorious, the Seleucid dogs running for the hills as my magician has predicted? Do you have the head of Gyras the Handsome spiked at the gates for all transgressors to see? *breathes* Tell me the Parthian hyenas have also been crushed in the Assyrian desert by my magnificent cavalry!
*closes scroll* And most importantly, did you bring me the throwing stick I wanted!
Akha: Your honour, yes and no.
Teenage Pharaoh: What do you mean yes and no? I shall not have evil news this day. Mother has already been on at me about the state of my chambers and I am not in a good mood.
Akha: Your glorious incarnate of Horus, allow me to explain. Since your honour ingeniously decided to make war on the Seleucid Empire, the Parthians and the Numidians all in the space of a week, all because they wouldn't agree to your idea of turning the Eastern Med into a tourist resort for Germanian and Britannian barbarians, I have marched for days across the dryest deserts, spent many nights in the most flea infested quarters Jerusalem has to offer. My feet have blisters the size of camel humps, I've been chased by dogs, bitten by rats the size of cats. *pinching fingers* I came this close to co-starring with 'Goliath the lion with the biggest teeth in the world' in the mothly games at Antioch, and I have a nasty case of herpes to boot.
Teenage Pharaoh: I'm not liking your tone! Anyway if you don't like it, I can always find some other diplomat who does.
Akha: *meekly* Your majesty, I was just relating to you how hard I have been working for your glorious benefit.
Teenage Pharaoh: Sounds to me like you've been slacking off! Anyways, I still don't know whats going on in my Empire. I'm bored, I want news and I want it now. Get on with it or I book 'Goliath the lion with the biggest teeth in the world' to do a tour of Egypt, and guess who will be there at opening night.
Akha: Your honour. *very cautiously* Sire, as for Sidon, the walls of Sidon have fallen and the Seleucids have ravaged the city, killed your cousin Khnumhoptep, his entire family, retinue and even his slaves. His head is spiked upon the gates for all transgressors to see.
Your planned attack in Assyria has failed, the Parthians have ambushed your cavalry and slaughtered them to a man. Your magician has run off, talking with him the entire gold reserve. A vast Numidian army marches on Alexandria, even now your fleet is burning in the harbour. A great plague has infested all of Egypt, and the slaves are revolting. We, your honour, are all doomed.
Teenage Pharaoh: *Sucks finger* Have you got the stick or not?
Akha: *takes out stick and hands it to the boy* Yes sire, do I ever fail you.
Teenage Pharaoh: *whirls stick with glee* Nope. Now go out and sort out that other stuff for me. Mummy said I could have friends round for tea, and I want to practice my stick.
Akha: *backs away courteously* Your honour.

All the nice comments were much appreciated, thanks guys.

**aw89** · 12-10-2004, 17:32

roflmao

great work! more, more!

I NEED MORE!!!

**Sin Qua Non** · 12-10-2004, 21:47

And who says diplomacy doesn't work in this game?

**ghostcamel** · 12-10-2004, 22:22

Oh man. This is CLASSIC!

And here i was destesting all Rebels and the Scum they rode in on. Do i have egg on my face or what?

I demand more witty reposts from mine most exalted lackey....NOW!