A small and rather unpleasant looking inn somewhere outside Eburacum 253 B.C (York - England)
*Rain rain and more rain, two down trodden diplomats prop up the bar*
Ata (A Dacian diplomat): *stirs bowl of cold porridge* So Akha, how long have you been here on this pig sty of an island?
Akha: Too long, almost two years. Ever since Pharaoh thought that an alliance with these barbarians would give the Romans *spits* something to think about before launching an invasion upon us.
Ata: So it’s taken you two years to forge this alliance!
Akha: Well, it has been a lot harder than you would think. Every time I come close to an agreement, these barbarians get excited, drop everything and rush off to invade some neighboring province. More often than not, the barbarian king dies in some tremendously brave but completely idiotic charge into massed ranks of enemy spearmen, and I have to start negotiating all over again. Even if I possessed all the magical powers of Isis herself, I don't think I could make this alliance work.
Ata: So Pharaoh won't be pleased then?
Akha: That is putting it lightly. The last diplomat who came back without an alliance ended up singing soprano with the 'Memphis eunuch quartet'.
Ata: *grimaces* What are you going to do?
Akha: Make my way slowly back through Gaul, maybe take in the sites. I like Gaul, at least the god Ra casts his holy visage upon the place once in a while. I don't think he even knows this place exists. *daydreams* For some palatable food and wine *licks lips*. I mean look at this slop, what do they call this, 'porr-idge'. I wouldn't feed this elephant dung to my worst enemy.
Ata: I know what you mean. *eyes bowl suspiciously* Oh to be back in Dacia. I had a smallholding near Segestica. I was going to farm pigs you know. Intelligent creatures pigs, smart like dogs!
Akha: Had?
Ata: Well since the Romans invaded and exterminated everyone and everything they came across, down to the smallest insect. There is nothing really to go back to.
Akha: By Osiris, that is a shame. These Romans, what is it that drives them to want conquer and rule over all the world?. It is as if some divine despotic hand were controlling their every action ...
Ata: Heh, yes, the all conquering Romans. I know a small village of indomitable Gauls that .....
Akha: *shies away from plagiarism* So since the Romans conquered your faction, that technically makes you unemployed.
Ata: Well, I like to say, between jobs.
Akha: I'd like to get out of this diplomat lark myself, but I don't really know what else I could do. My brother has a nice little business embalming cats in Thebais.
Ata: Embalming cats, great. What's the money like?
Akha: Not bad, overheads are low. Well to tell the truth it’s a bit of a con really.
Ata: How so?
Akha: Well the thing is, these embalmed cats are meant to be placed in tombs along with the dead. So my brother goes along with the assumption that the buyer isn't likely to unwrap the bandages beforehand to make sure that they are really getting a cat.
Ata: I see. What are they getting?
Akha: Anything that comes to hand really, old bones, stones, sticks, bits of rope. There is quite a shortage of cats in Egypt, a lot of hungry people. The gist of it is, as long as it looks like a cat, the punters are happy. I just hope that Osiris sees the funny side when they reach the afterlife.
Ata: Ho.
*Two surly looking Britons enter the Inn*
Ata: Look out, here come the locals. Check out the hair!
Akha: Why do you think they call them barb 'hairy ones'.
Ata: Its not so much the hair, it's all the woad they smear on themselves. I mean, walking around with bright blue genitals is not my idea of a good time.
Akha: Well in this country my genitals are permanently blue with the cold. I looked at my manhood the other day, and I swear it was two inches shorter than before I got here.
*The locals plonk themselves down at a table within earshot*
Akha: Time to go I think. (To all) Your honours, may the great goddess Isis bless and keep you safe this day.

Barbarian one: What did he say? Something about 'we being honest' and 'his blessed eyes saving the day'.
Barbarian two: Yeah, bloody foreigners, why don't they just go home.