Thanks for nothing, spy

[Khorak]

"Hey! What are you doing!?"
"We're testing the gates tolerances for when the enemy attack!"
"Oh...right. Carry on."
*BOOM!*
"Yeah see? If this had been an enemy battering ram they'd have busted right on through! Well blow me, there they are now!"

[Kraxis]

General: "Ahhh... Our spy has returned. Do you have anything interesting to tell us?"
Spy: "Why of course your greatness. I have managed to smash open all four gates."
General: *Jumps to his feet* "Are you telling me the city is open for assault right now?"
Spy: "Indeed your powerfulness..."
General: "CHAAAAAARGE!!!!"

After the battle

General: "Now my little spyfriend, how come you opened the gates but didn't keep the guards from the oil? We lost an entire contingent of Companions."
Spy: "With respect, your excellency, I could hardly do that and open the gates at the same time."
General: *rolling eyes* "So you couldn't stop the oil, but you could smash open four very big and heavy reinfoced iron gates? Is there a chance you had a little help from within?"
Spy: "Not at all your superiorness, I had to work through the night with my Helvetian Army dagger. *With hushed voice* In the Secret Police version it contains a pocket-ram perfect for breaking open gates when nobody is looking. It is standard issue in the Seleucid Secret Police."
General: "In that case, why in the name of Alexander didn't you tell us that the oil was burning?!?!"
Spy: "Well you didn't ask..."
General: "ARGGGHHHH!"