The funny jokes thread that this place needs

[Mouzafphaerre]

-
Hard of Hearing

An elderly gentleman feared his wife was getting hard of hearing. So one
day he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing
checked.

The Doctor made an appointment for a hearing test in two weeks and
meanwhile there's a simple informal test the husband could do to give the
doctor some idea of the state of her problem.

"Here's what you do," said the doctor. "Start out about 40 feet away from
her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If
not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you
get a response."

That evening the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the
living room. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what
happens."

Then in a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for Dinner?" No response.

So the husband moved to the other end of the room, about 30 feet from his
wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for supper?" Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife
and asks, "Honey, what's for Dinner?" Again he gets no response.

So he walks up to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for
Dinner?" Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for Dinner?"

"Damn it RALPH! For the fifth time, CHICKEN!"


-

[Mouzafphaerre]

-
Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one
night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass
gong.

"What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously? asked his astonished friend.

"Yup," replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" the 2nd guest asked, squinting at it.

"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up a hammer, gave it an
ear-shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one
another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed: "HEY YOU JERK!!!
it's ten past three in the morning!"
-

[Rosacrux redux]

I'll play along. Here's one

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the FATHER.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.

She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the milkman was dead on the porch.

[King Edward]

A ventriloquist visiting Kerry walks into a small village and sees a local
sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun,
so he says to the Kerryman "Can I talk to your dog?"

Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid git."

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Villager: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Villager: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool"

Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down
often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

Villager: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Villager: (in a panic) "The sheep's a liar!"

[Rosacrux redux]

And one more (politically inclined, I fear...)

Presidential Library Destroyed By Fire

Crawford, Texas--

A tragic fire this morning destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush.

Both of his books have been lost.

A presidential spokesman said the president was devastated, as he had almost finished coloring the second one.

[King Edward]

Xmas weight gain......
Has your girlfiend/wife put on a little weight over the festive period? If
so encorouge her to walk 3 miles in the morning and then 3 miles again in
the evening, by the end of the week the fat cow will be 42 miles
away..........

[Rosacrux redux]

And some management jokes to call it a day


A man is about to take a shower after his wife. Just when they are both naked, the bell rings. After a while, the woman decides to answer, so she wraps herself in a towel and opens the door. It's the neighbor next door. He says:
- If you drop your towel, I will pay you $1000.
She thinks about it for a while and finally lets the towel go. The neighbor looks for a moment, then pays her $1000 and leaves. She closes the door, wraps herself in the towel and goes back to the bathroom to dry her hair. Her husband asked:
- Who was there?
- Our neighbor.
- Did he give you the $1000 I lent him last week?

Bottom line: if you share critical information with your associates, especially about credits and risks, you will prevent undesirable situations.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Catholic priest is driving along when he sees a nun waiting for the bus. He stops and offers her a lift. She accepts and puts the baggage in the back seat. When she sits down, her vestment slips back and reveals her leg.

When the priest realizes that, he puts his hand on her leg. The nun looks at him and says: "Father, remember Psalm 129." The priest apologizes and takes off his hand. But a few minutes later, he tries again. The nun says "Father, remember Psalm 129." The priest gives up hope and doesn't try anything else. When he finally arrives, he checks his Bible. Turns out Psalm 129 says: "Go ahead and try. You will achieve glory."

Bottom line: be informed about everything related to your job or you risk losing great opportunities.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A salesman from the city went to the country and bought for $100 a donkey from an old peasant. The peasant agreed to give him his donkey the following day.

The next day, the salesman goes to the peasant and asks for the donkey. The peasant says:
- Sorry about this, but the donkey passed away.
- Okay, in that case give me my money back.
- Can't... I already spent it.
- Whatever. Give me the donkey's carcass.
- What for? What are you going to do with a dead donkey?
- I'm going to raffle it.
- Are you crazy? How are you going to raffle a dead donkey?
- I'm not planning on telling anyone it's dead.

One month later, the salesman and the peasant meet again.
- What happend to the donkey?
- I raffled it. I sold 500 tickets for $2 each and earned $998.
- Hasn't anyone complained?
- Only the winner, but I gave him his $2 back.

Bottom line: this is an example of how to turn an unfavorable situation into a success.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

A boy goes to a pharmacy and says:
- Sir, I would like a condom. My new girlfriend has invited me to her home to introduce me to her family over dinner. I know she is all over me and I intend to calm her down tonight.
The pharmacist gives him a condom and when the boy is about to pay, he says:
- Better give me another condom, because my girlfriend's sister is on to me...
The pharmacist gives him another condom, but the boy says:
- Give me just one more. My girlfriend's mother is so horny... She insinuates lots of crazy things when my girlfriend is not around.

Time for dinner comes and the boy is seated with his girlfriend to one side, the sister to the other side and in front of him the mother. A while later, the father arrives and the boy bows down and prays.
- Lord, we thank you for this food. Bless us all... Excuse us if we have offended you in some way...
After ten minutes of prayer, the girlfriend says:
- I didn't know you are so religious.
- And I didn't know your father is the pharmacist!!!

Bottom line: don't give away your strategic planning because the lack of confidentiality can destroy your own organization.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A salesman, a clerk, and a manager go to lunch when they find an old oil lamp. They rub it and a genie appears amidst a cloud.
- Since I usually concede three wishes, I'm going to concede one to each of you.
- Let me go first! - says the clerk. - I want to be vacationing in the Caribbean. - And *poof* he is gone.
- Do me now! - says the salesman. - I want to be in Hawaii, at the beach, with my personal masseuse, an inexhaustible provision of beer, and a top model. - And *poof* he is gone.
- Okay, it's your turn now - says the genie.
- I want those two guys back after lunchtime.

Bottom line: always let your boss speak first.

[Rosacrux redux]

Alright, one more. This is hardly a joke, it's the definition of an Internet Forum (like our forum here)

forum (fôr'uhm) n
A place on the internet where people of all ages, races, religions, colors, habits, musical preferences, nationalities, political views, genders, and sexual orientations can come together to insult each other's ages, races, religions, colors, habits, musical preferences, nationalities, political views, genders, and sexual orientations.

[King Edward]

Never a truer word spoken in jest!

[JAG]

Xmas weight gain......
Has your girlfiend/wife put on a little weight over the festive period? If
so encorouge her to walk 3 miles in the morning and then 3 miles again in
the evening, by the end of the week the fat cow will be 42 miles
away..........

That really made me laugh

[Rosacrux redux]

How do people all over the world say "I love you":

English: I love you

Spanish: Te amo

French: Je t'aime

German: Ich liebe dich

Japanese: Ai shite imasu

Italian: Ti amo

Chinese: Wo ai ni

Greek: S' agapo

Swedish: Jag alskar

Alabama, Arkansas, Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas, North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Idaho, Missouri, Mississippi, Montana, Louisiana, Virginia, West Virginia, Kentucky. and parts of Florida: Nice ass, get in the truck...

[King Edward]

That really made me laugh

I told that one to my girl friend, it went down like a cup of cold sick........

[LittleGrizzly]

rofl cracking up reading all those

[Evil_Maniac From Mars]

"Guernsey, A small sea weed covered rock in the English Channel"
Are you aware thats where General Brock, who some call Savior of Canada(no offense to the Lord), grew up. Rofl about those jokes. Literally.

[King Edward]

"Guernsey, A small sea weed covered rock in the English Channel"
Are you aware thats where General Brock, who some call Savior of Canada(no offense to the Lord), grew up. Rofl about those jokes. Literally.

Yup, some chap called De Lisle was apparently quite big over there too but i dont know much about either of them to be honest... but it doesnt change the fact that gsy is a small seaweed covered rock in the english channel....

[Kaiser of Arabia]

Here's a few...
A guy was on a pilgramage in juresalem with his wife and mother in law. However, his mother in law died of a sickness. So he goes to the US embassy to try to have the body sent back to America for burial. The clerk says "Ok, but it will cost about 2,000 dollars to get the body back, when you can get rid of it here for around 500." the guy says "Nah transport it" and he says "What, you want the burial to be at home so you can visit the grave?" The man quickly replies "NO! I heard about this one guy who was buried in Juresalem and then rose from the dead. I can't take that chance!"
---
Why did the chicken cross the road?
The KFC bag was in my car.

[Mouzafphaerre]

-
ROTFLMAO guys, especially your management jokes Rosacrux!
-

[Rosacrux redux]

-
ROTFLMAO guys, especially your management jokes Rosacrux!
-

I thought they were funny too... alright, here's a load of jokes, to lol freely

Here is one for the Yank Reps (those who didn’t like the Bush-joke I previously posted):

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when an old cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it, but couldn't and the old cow was killed.
Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.
About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a bottle of expensive wine in one hand, an expensive Cuban cigar in the other and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.
"What happened?" asked Hillary. "Well," the driver replied,
"the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful twin daughters made mad passionate love to me." "My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.
The driver replied, "I said I'm Hillary Clinton's driver, and I just killed the old cow."


And here is one rather… well, filthy:

A Buddhist monk, a Jewish rabbi, and a Catholic priest took some kids boating on an ecumenical field trip. Well out on the water, the monk noticed that the boat had begun to sink. He ran to the rabbi and the priest and shouted, "Brothers! The boat is sinking! We must save the children!" The rabbi answered, "The children? We must save ourselves! " And the priest asked, "Do we have time for that?"

…a nerdy college one….

A beautiful college student comes to her young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.

"I would do anything to pass this exam."

She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.

"I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do... *anything*!!!"

He returns her gaze. "Anything???"

"Yes... Anything!!!"

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you... study?"


…one for those err… caring for animals…

The local spiritualist church was being addressed by an eminent spiritualist from overseas. After a spine tingling talk about the supernatural, he asked his audience if anyone had an intimate relationship with a ghost. "Come forward", he said, "and tell us about it."
A hand went up in the middle of the audience.
"I have, though I'd prefer not to discuss it."
After great applause and encouragement from the rest of the congregation, the shy, introvenrted little man came forward and introduced himself as Timothy.
"Well now, Timothy", said the spiritualist, "Tell us about your intimate relationship with a ghost."
"Ghost!", exclaimed Timothy, "I thought you said 'goat'!"


… a rather dirty medieval one…

When King Arthur took off on his search for the Holy grail, he fitted his Queen, Guinevere, with a novel chastity belt. It contained a little Guillotine. If anyone tried to push past it, it sprung down with a mighty whack.
On his return from the Holy Land, King Arthur commanded that all the Knights that had stayed behind remove thier trousers, and there was hardly a john tomas in sight. All except Sir Lancelot had lost thier manhood.
"Lancelot, you are the only one i can trust", said King Arthur. "What will we do with these traitors? What will thier punishment be?... Come, Sir Lancelot, speak up... Have you lost your tongue......?"

…and this one to get done with it
A guy goes to a bar, has a couple of drinks, when he notices a jar with $50 notes in it. He goes the barman and enquires about the jar. "Oh, it's our $50 club. You insert $50, complete 3 tasks, and you get membership. Members get to go on free drink tours, get discounts on the usual bar prices etc."
"So, what are the tasks?"
"Sorry, I can only tell you after you've inserted the money."
The guy chips in, and repeats his question to the barman. The barman explains, "Ok, the first task is fairly simple. See right at the end of the bar, that guy drinking alone? That's Mike Tyson. You have to knock him out with one swing."
The guy sits down again and orders a couple of beers to work up his courage. Then he orders an unopened can of beer straight from the fridge. He walks up to Mike, and says, "Hey Mike!" before using the beer can to add weight to his punch. Mike is out cold.

The guy goes back to his stool, and to celebrate his ingenuity, he has a couple more drinks. Then he goes back to the barman to find out what the other two tasks are.
"Ok, knocking out Mike was impressive, but that's nothing compared to the next two tasks. For the 2nd task, you have to go to the cellar downstairs. Inside that cellar is a rabid Pit Bull with a sore tooth. You have to bring that tooth back. For the 3rd task, well, you see that nun at the table over there? No one has been able to pleasure her properly. Ever. Your task is to bring that to an end."
Once again, before setting out to the next task, the guy has a few more rounds to steady his nerves. Quite drunk now, he stumbles to the cellar. As he gets to the door, he can already here the dog barking madly. Jumping inside, the dog wastes no time in getting aquainted. After 10 minues of barking, shouting, yelps, and the blunt sounds of flesh making contact with the walls and floor, the man reappears from the cellar. His clothes torn, covered in bites, scrapes, spit and blood whose owner is uncertain, he defiantly demands, "Where is that whore with the sore tooth?"

[InsaneApache]

Prolly only peeps from the UK will get this....hope I'm wrong

A Jelly Baby walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie.
After a few beers the Smartie says "Ere, a bunch of us are heading to
that new club, fancy tagging along?" The Jelly Baby says "No mate, I'm a
soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in." So Smartie
says "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after
you."

Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says "Fair enough,
as long as you'll look after me", and off they go.

After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As
soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table. The Lockets take one look at Jelly Baby and start kicking him, breaking bottles over his
little jelly head, lamping him with little sugary chairs, and generally
having a laugh.

After a while they get bored and walk out. Jelly Baby pulls
his battered Jelly Baby body over to the table and wipes up his Jelly Baby
blood and turns to Smartie and says "I thought you were going to
look after me."


I was!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are menthol

[InsaneApache]

ok, ok if I get a warn level...then so be it

just pulled this off another board...

Two pieces of black Tarmac walk into a pub.
They say to the barman "A pint each....... c'os WE are the hardest Mother in the land"
Just then a green piece of Tarmac walks through the door.....
The black Tarmacs (heh) hide under the table 'till the green Tarmac has gone.
The barman says to them "I thought you said you were hard?"
The black Tarmac replies.............

We are, but that Green Tarmac,....... he's a CYCLEPATH!!!!!!

well it tickled me....

[Mouzafphaerre]

-
A Pastor wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.

However at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third.

The next day the local paper carried this headline: PASTOR'S ASS SHOWS

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won.

The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey. The Pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars.

The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.
-

[Big_John]

We are, but that Green Tarmac,....... he's a CYCLEPATH!!!!!!

hahahaha best one so far


the "ASS" one above is pretty good too

[Sasaki Kojiro]

The 213 Things Skippy is No Longer Allowed to Do in the U.S. Army
by SGT Shawn Stanford
April 16, 2003 (long)

Once upon a time, there was a SPC Schwarz stationed with the Army in the Balkans. SPC Schwarz was either very clever or very bored; but probably both, since he managed to attempt or be warned about 213 things he wasn't allowed to do. He collected those things into a hilarious list and posted them to the web.

Not allowed to watch Southpark when I'm supposed to be working.
My proper military title is 'Specialist Schwarz' not 'Princess Anastasia'.
Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic.
Not allowed to challenge anyone's disbelief of black magic by asking for hair.
Not allowed to get silicone breast implants.
Not allowed to play 'Pulp Fiction' with a suction-cup dart pistol and any officer.
Not allowed to add 'In accordance with the prophesy' to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me.
Not allowed to add pictures of officers I don't like to War Criminal posters.
Not allowed to title any product 'Get Over it'.
Not allowed to purchase anyone's soul on Government time.
Not allowed to join the communist party.
Not allowed to join any militia.
Not allowed to form any militia.
Not allowed out of my office when the president visited Sarajevo.
Not allowed to train adopted stray dogs to 'Sic Brass!'
Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my 'Sampson like powers'.
God may not contradict any of my orders.
May no longer perform my now (in) famous 'Barbie Girl Dance' while on duty.
May not call any officers immoral, untrustworthy, lying, slime, even if I'm right.
Must not taunt the French any more.
Must attempt to not antagonize SAS.
Must never call an SAS a 'Wanker'.
Must never ask anyone who outranks me if they've been smoking crack.
Must not tell any officer that I am smarter than they are, especially if it's true.
Never confuse a Dutch soldier for a French one.
Never tell a German soldier that 'We kicked your ass in World War 2!'
Don't tell Princess Di jokes in front of the paras (British Airborne).
Don't take the batteries out of the other soldiers alarm clocks (Even if they do hit snooze about forty times).
The Irish MPs are not after 'Me frosted lucky charms'.
Not allowed to wake an Non-Commissioned Officer by repeatedly banging on the head with a bag of trash.
Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions.
Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post.
Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.
(Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody.
Not allowed to sing 'High Speed Dirt' by Megadeth during airborne operations. ('See the earth below/Soon to make a crater/Blue sky, black death, I'm off to meet my maker')
Can't have flashbacks to wars I was not in. (The Spanish-American War isn't over).
Our medic is called 'Sgt Larwasa', not 'Dr. Feelgood'.
Our supply Sgt is 'Sgt Watkins' not 'Sugar Daddy'.
Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that the world is going to end, more than once.
I do not have super-powers.
'Keep on Trucking' is *not* a psychological warfare message.
Not allowed to attempt to appeal to mankind's baser instincts in recruitment posters.
Camouflage body paint is not a uniform.
I am not the atheist chaplain.
I am not allowed to 'Go to Bragg boulevard and shake daddies little money maker for twenties stuffed into my undies'.
I am not authorized to fire officers.
I am not a citizen of Texas, and those other, forty-nine, lesser states.
I may not use public masturbation as a tool to demonstrate a flaw in a command decision.
Not allowed to trade military equipment for 'magic beans'.
Not allowed to sell magic beans during duty hours.
Not allowed to quote 'Dr Seuss' on military operations.
Not allowed to yell 'Take that Cobra' at the rifle range.
Not allowed to quote 'Full Metal Jacket ' at the rifle range.
'Napalm sticks to kids' is *not* a motivational phrase.
An order to 'Put Kiwi on my boots' does *not* involve fruit.
An order to 'Make my Boots black and shiny' does not involve electrical tape.
The proper response to a lawful order is not 'Why?'
The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence- Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, all Marines are latent homosexuals, Tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Korean hooker, Eskimo Nell, we've all got jackboots now, slut puppy, or any references to squid.
May not make posters depicting the leadership failings of my chain of command.
'The Giant Space Ants' are not at the top of my chain of command.
If one soldier has a 2nd Lt bar on his uniform, and I have an E-4 on mine It means he outranks me. It does not mean 'I have been promoted three more times than you'.
It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to Specialist Schwarz.
Command decisions do *not* need to be ratified by a 2/3 majority.
Inflatable novelties do *not* entitle me to BAQ or Separation pay.
There are no evil clowns living under my bed.
There is no 'Anti-Mime' campaign in Bosnia.
I am not the Psychological Warfare Mascot.
I may not line my helmet with tin foil to 'Block out the space mind control lasers'.
May not pretend to be a fascist stormtrooper, while on duty.
I am not authorized to prescribe any form of medication.
I must not flaunt my deviances in front of my chain of command.
May not wear gimp mask while on duty.
No military functions are to be performed 'Skyclad'.
Woad is not camouflage makeup.
May not conduct psychological experiments on my chain of command.
"Teddy Bear, Teddy bear, turn around" is *not* a cadence.
The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them "You don't need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for."
I may not call block my chain of command.
I am neither the king nor queen of cheese.
Not allowed to wear a dress to any army functions.
May not bring a drag queen to the battalion formal dance.
May not form any press gangs.
Must not start any SITREP (Situation Report) with "I recently had an experience I just had to write you about...."
Must not use military vehicles to 'Squish' things.
Not allowed to make any Psychological Warfare products depicting the infamous Ft. Bragg sniper incident.
May not challenge anyone in my chain of command to the 'field of honor'.
If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.
Must not refer to 1st Sgt as 'Mom'.
Must not refer to the Commander as 'Dad'.
Inflatable sheep do *not* need to be displayed during a room inspection.
I am not authorized to initiate Jihad.
When asked to give a few words at a military ceremony 'Romper Bomper Stomper Boo' is probably not appropriate.
Nerve gas is not funny.
Crucifixes do not ward off officers, and I should not test that.
I am not in need of a more suitable host body.
'Redneck Zombies' is not a military training aid.
Gozer does not dwell in my refrigerator.
The proper response to a chemical weapon attack is not 'Tell my chain of command what I really think about them, and then poke holes in their masks.'
A smiley face is not used to mark a minefield.
Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new soldiers that they are.
I am not allowed to mount a bayonet on a crew-served weapon.
Rodents are not entitled to burial with full military honors, even if they are "casualties of war".
My commander is not old enough to have fought in the civil war, and I should stop implying that he did.
Vodka, green food coloring, and a 'Cool Mint' Listerine® bottle is not a good combination.
I am not allowed to bum cigarettes off of anyone under twelve.
I may not trade my rifle for any of the following: Cigarettes, booze, sexual favors, Kalishnikovs, Soviet Armored vehicles, small children, or bootleg CD.s.
Must not mock command decisions in front of the press.
Should not taunt members of the press, even if they are really fat, exceptionally stupid, and working for UPI.
I am not authorized to change national policy in Eastern Europe.
Never, ever, attempt to correct a Green Beret officer about anything.
I am not qualified to operate any US, German, Polish, or Russian Armored vehicles.
When saluting a 'leg' officer, an appropriate greeting is not "Airborne leads the wa- oh...sorry sir".
There is absolutely no need to emulate the people from 'Full Monty' every time I hear the song "Hot Stuff".
I cannot trade my CO to the Russians.
I should not speculate on the penis size of anyone who outranks me.
Crucifying mice - bad idea.
Must not use government equipment to bootleg pornography.
Burn pits for classified material are not revel fires - therefore it is wrong to dance naked around them.
I cannot arrest children for being rude.
An EO briefing is probably not the best place to unveil my newest off color joke.
I should not use government resources to 'waterproof' dirty magazines.
Radioactive material should not be stored in the barracks.
I should not teach other soldiers to say offensive and crude things in Albanian, under the guise of teaching them how to say potentially useful phrases.
Two drink limit does not mean first and last.
Two drink limit does not mean two kinds of drinks.
Two drink limit does not mean the drinks can be as large as I like.
'No Drinking Of Alcoholic Beverages' does not imply that a Jack Daniel's ® IV is acceptable.
"Shpadoinkle" is not a real word.
The Microsoft ® 'Dancing Paperclip' is not authorized to countermand any orders.
'I'm drunk' is a bad answer to any question posed by my commander.
No dancing in the turret. This especially applies in conjunction with rule #113.
The loudspeaker system is not a forum to voice my ideas.
The loudspeaker system is not to be used to replace the radio.
The loudspeaker system is not to be used to broadcast the soundtrack to a porno movie.
An order to put polish on my boots means the whole boot.
Shouting "Let's do the village! Let's do the whole f--- village!" while out on a mission is bad.
Should not show up at the front gate wearing part of a Russian uniform, messily drunk.
Even if my commander did it.
Must not teach interpreters how to make "MRE" bombs.
I am not authorized to sell mineral rights.
Not allowed to use a broadsword to disprove 'The Pen is Mightier than the sword'.
'Calvin-Ball' is not authorized PT.
I do not need to keep a 'range card' by my window.
'K-Pot, LBE, and a thin coat of Break-free' is not an authorized uniform.
I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test.
Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the same.
I should not threaten suicide with pop rocks and Coke ®.
Putting red 'Mike and Ike's' ® into a prescription medicine bottle, and then eating them all in a formation is not funny.
Must not create new DOD forms, then insist they be filled out.
On Sports Day PT, a wedgie is not considered a legal tackle.
The proper way to report to my Commander is 'Specialist Schwarz, reporting as ordered, Sir' not 'You can't prove a thing!'
The following items do not exist: Keys to the Drop Zone, A box of grid squares, blinker fluid, winter air for tires, canopy lights, or Chem-Light ® batteries.
I should not assign new privates to 'guard the flight line'.
Shouldn't treat 'piss-bottles' with extra-strength icy hot.
Teaching Albanian children to taunt other soldiers is not nice.
I will no longer perform 'lap-dances' while in uniform.
If I take the uniform off, in the course of the lap-dance, it still counts.
The revolution is not now.
When detained by MP's, I do not have a right to a strip search.
No part of the military uniform is edible.
Bodychecking General officers is not a good idea.
Past lives have absolutely no effect on the chain of command.
Take that hat off.
There is no such thing as a were-virgin.
I do not get 'that time of month'.
No, the pants are not optional.
Not allowed to operate a business out of the barracks.
Especially not a pornographic movie studio.
Not even if they *are* 'especially patriotic films'
Not allowed to 'defect' to OPFOR during training missions.
On training missions, try not to shoot down the General's helicopter.
'A full magazine and some privacy' is not the way to help a potential suicide.
I am not allowed to create new levels of security clearance.
Furby ® is not allowed into classified areas. (I swear to the gods, I did not make that up, it's actually DOD policy).
We do not 'charge into battle, naked, like the Celts'.
Any device that can crawl across the table on medium, does not need to be brought into the office.
I am not to refer to a formation as 'the boxy rectangle thingie'.
I am not 'A lesbian trapped in a man's body'.
On Army documents, my race is not 'Other'.
Nor is it 'Secretariat, in the third'.
Pokémon® trainer is not an MOS.
There is no FM for 'wall-to-wall counseling'.
My chain of command has neither the time, nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Fruit Roll-Ups. ®
When operating a military vehicle I may *not* attempt something 'I saw in a cartoon'.
My name is not a killing word.
I am not the Emperor of anything.
Must not taunt officers in the throes of nicotine withdrawal, with cigarettes.
May not challenge officers to 'Meet me on the field of honor, at dawn'.
Do not dare SERE graduates to eat bugs. They will always do it.
Must not make s'mores while on guard duty.
Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot.
The proper response to a briefing is not 'That's what you think'.
The Masons and Gray Aliens are not in our chain of command.
Shouldn't take incriminating photos of my chain of command.
Shouldn't use Photoshop ® to create incriminating photos of my chain of command.
I am not allowed to give tattoos.
I am not allowed to sing 'Henry the VIII I am' until verse 68 ever again.
Not allowed to lead a 'Coup' during training missions.
I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born.
My chain of command is not interested in why I 'just happen' to have a kilt, an inflatable sheep, and a box of rubber bands in the back of my car.
Must not valiantly push officers onto hand grenades to save the squad.
Despite the confusing similarity in the names, the "Safety Dance" and the "Safety Briefing" are never to be combined.
'To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is a bad long term goal to give the re-enlistment NCO.
NEVER nail a stuffed bunny to a cross and put it up in front of the Battalion Headquarters sign as an "Easter Desecration."
Don't write up false gigs on a HMMWV PMCS. ("Broken clutch pedal", "Number three turbine has frequent flame-outs", "flux capacitor emits loud whine when engaged")
Not allowed to get shot.
The Chicken and Rice MRE is *not* a personal lubricant. (Skippy wanted this noted for the record that this is not something he has ever attempted or considered! It was something we heard at dinner on 22 September 2001 and it was just so obscene it had to go here.)
Not allowed to play into the deluded fantasies of the civlians who are "hearing conversations" from the NSA, FBI, CIA and KGB due to the microchip the aliens implanted in their brain.
An airsickness bag is to be used for airsickness *only*. (Also not a Skippy-ism...this was the same dinner.)
Must not make T-shirts up depciting a pig with the writing "Eat Pork or Die" in Arabic to bring as civilian attire when preparing to deploy to a primarily Muslim country.
Don't ask LTC Steele to sign my copy of Blackhawk Down.
Must not go on nine deployments in six years that require a security clearance that I don't have, even if the Army tells me repeatedly that I have one and I have no reason to question them.
Do not convince NCO's that their razorbumps are the result of microscopic parasites.

[nokhor]

Sasaki, your signature is quite effective. i had to open up this page in a different browser just to test it.

[Mouzafphaerre]

-
It's like a mirror. Shows everybody his own IP #. If only I knew how they scripted JPEGs...
-

[Sasaki Kojiro]

A young boy went up to his father and asked him,
"Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered,
"Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million
dollars.


Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a
million dollars, and ask your brother if he'd sleep with Tom Cruise for a million
dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked,"Would you sleep with Robert
Redford for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money
to fix up the house and send you kids to a great college!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt! I would sleep
with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?"


The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would
you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?"
"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million could
buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then
went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you
find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes, sir. Potentially, we're sitting on
three million dollars, but realistically, we're living with
two sluts and a queer."

[Sasaki Kojiro]

ENOUGH SAID
> >
> >A very attractive lady goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
> >
> >
> >She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over
immediately.
> >When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his
face
> >closer to hers.
> >
> >
> >When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard.
> >"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both
> >hands.
> >
> >"Actually, no," the man replies.
> >"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him" she says, running
her
> >hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
> >"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I
can
> >do?"
> >"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues,
> >running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping
a
> >couple of her fingers into his
> >mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
> >
> >
> >"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to ask.
> >
> >
> >"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or
paper
> >towels in the ladies room."

[Big_John]

sasaki.. you should have warned me before i read that last one... that's messed up.

[Ja'chyra]

Very good Sasaki

[The Stranger]

2 americans in a room

american1 said to american2: to brotherhood and comradship
american2 replied: oh so you're a comunist