The funny jokes thread that this place needs

[Mouzafphaerre]

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Musical Terms Misunderstood by Country-Western Musicians:

• Diminished Fifth -- An empty bottle of Jack Daniels.
• Perfect Fifth -- A full bottle of Jack Daniels.
• Relative Major -- An uncle in the Marine Corps.
• Relative Minor -- A girlfriend.
• Big Band -- When the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players.
• Pianissimo -- "Refill this beer bottle."
• Repeat -- What you do until they just expel you.
• Treble -- Women ain't nothin' but...
• Portamento -- A foreign country you've always wanted to see.
• Arpeggio -- "Ain't he that storybook kid with the big nose that grows?"
• Tempo -- Good choice for a used car.
• A 440 -- The highway that runs around Nashville
• Transpositions -- Men who wear dresses.
• Cut Time -- Parole.
• Passing Tone -- Frequently heard near the baked beans at family barbecues.
• Middle C -- The only fruit drink you can afford when food stamps are low.
• Perfect Pitch -- The smooth coating on a freshly paved road.
• Cadenza -- That ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off of when company comes.
• Whole Note -- What's due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year.
• Clef -- What you try never to fall off of.
• Altos -- Not to be confused with "Tom's toes," "Bubba's toes," or "Doritos."
• Minor Third -- Your approximate age and grade at the completion of formal schooling.
• Melodic Minor -- Loretta Lynn's singing son.
• 12-Tone Scale -- The thing the state police weigh your tractor-trailer truck with.
• Quarter Tone -- What most standard pickups can haul.
• Sonata -- What you get from a bad cold or hay fever.
• Clarinet -- Name used on your second daughter if you've already used Betty Jo.
• Cello -- The proper way to answer the phone.
• Bassoon -- Typical response when asked what you hope to catch, and when.
• French Horn -- Your wife says you smell like a cheap one when you come in at 4 a.m.
• Cymbal -- What they use on deer crossing signs so you know what to sight in your pistol.
• First Inversion -- Grandpa's battle group at Normandy.
• Staccato -- How you did all the ceilings in your mobile home.
• Aeolian Mode -- How you like Mama's apple pie.
• Bach Chorale -- The place behind the barn where you keep the horses.

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