Joke thread to pass the time...

[Devastatin Dave]

A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up.

After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture about eight times.

At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they do not eat the almonds them-selves,whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth. They are not able to chew them.

"Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled.

Whereupon the old lady answers, "We just love the chocolate around them."

[Crassus]

Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman were in a plane that crashed into the ocean. Miraculously they survived, and made it to a desert island in the dead of night.

The next morning when they awake, they found that the only thing to have survived was a map, washed up on the beach. They could see that the mainland was only 100 miles to the mainland, which could be seen in the distance.

They decided to swim for it.

The englishman started first. He got 20 miles out, got tired and drowned.

The scotsman was next. He was out 30 miles and then go tired and drowned.

The irishman was on his own by this stage, so he thought had better have a go before dark. He swam out 50 miles, got tired and swam back!

[Razor1952]

A modern totalwar joke.

Belfast 30 years ago in the middle of all the sectarian violence.

Murphy and Paddy are walking down the street whereupon they see a head lying in the gutter.

" 'pon my soul " says Paddy to Murphy " Isn't that Shaun?

"Nooo.... " exclaims Murphy " .....Shaun's a much taller man than that!".

[BalkanTourist]

A lady enters a bus with her baby. As she passes by the driver he remarks: "Uff, what an ugly baby!" The lady hears that and is clearly upset. She goes to the back of the bus and sits. The man next to her seeing that she is upset asks her what's wrong. She tells him that the driver insulted her. "Go ahead, tell him off, I'll hold your monkey for ya!" - says the man.

[Grumfoss]

Teacher to a little boy student.

" Jonny you have been bringing me a little bag of rasins for the last two months, why have you suddenly stopped?"

Jonny - " me rabbits dead miss.."

[TonyJ]

Balloon Bobby takes a drawing pin into his balloon school to show his balloon friends.

He gets hauled up in front of the balloon head teacher, who tells him 'You've let me down, you've let the school down but worst of all you've let yourself down'.