Military Joke Thread

[Kaiser of Arabia]

Post some here.
NOTE: This is an equal opertunity joke thread.
Joke 1: Supposedly True story
This is based on an actual radio conversation between a U.S. Navy
aircraft carrier (U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln) and Canadian authorities
off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. (The radio
conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on
10/10/95 authorized by the Freedom of Information Act.)

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to
avoid collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the
North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15
degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND
LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE
ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS
SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES
NORTH--I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH--OR
COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

The difference between Infantry, Cavalry and Artillery.

HAPPINESS IS . . .
Infantry: A good rifle
Cavalry: A big tank
Artillery: A loud boom

UPON HEARING FIREWORKS
Infantry: Cool, just like a live fire exercise
Cavalry: Not loud enough
Artillery: Fireworks? What fireworks?

OTHER TRADES
Infantry: Waste of rations
Cavalry: Waste of rations
Artillery: Waste of rations

IDEA OF FUN
Infantry: Not having to "pepper-pot" an entire grid square before the objective
Cavalry: Racing across a grid square on "full stab"
Artillery: Leveling a grid square

FAVOURITE SONG
Infantry: "Ballad of the Green Beret"
Cavalry: "Purple Haze"
Artillery: Anything, just play it LOUD!

BIGGEST LUXURY IN THE FIELD
Infantry: Engineers blowing trenches for them with C4
Cavalry: Grunts to dig their trenches for them
Artillery: Cable

A LONG ROUTE MARCH WITH FULL KIT
Infantry: 20 clicks
Cavalry: From the hangars to the tank
Artillery: What's a route march?

OFFICERS
Infantry: Are morons and should stay away from the trenchlines
Cavalry: Are morons and should stay out of the vehicles
Artillery: Are morons and should stay away from the gun lines

FAVORITE MODE OF TRANSPORTATION
Infantry: Anything but walking
Cavalry: Tanks. Tanks. Tanks. TankstankstankstanksTANKS!
Artillery: Don't you have to move around to require transport?

BIGGEST GRIPE IN THE FIELD
Infantry: The weather
Cavalry: Coffee maker in tank not working
Artillery: Only having basic cable

BREAKFAST IN THE FIELD
Infantry: I don't care what it is, just so long as I can sit down to eat it
Cavalry: Hot coffee and rum with a beer chaser
Artillery: Eggs over easy, crispy bacon, sausages, toast and Tim Horton's coffee

WHAT THEY CALL THEMSELVES
Infantry: Death Techs
Cavalry: Cavalry
Artillery: 10 Mile Snipers

Comparison of military operational tactics (Snake model)

Infantry:
Snake smells them, leaves area.

Airborne:
Lands on and kills the snake.

Armor:
Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.

Aviation:
Has GPS coordinates to snake.
Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.

Ranger:
Plays with snake, then eats it.

Field Artillery:
Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage
with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several
hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is
considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics
and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.

Special Forces:
Makes contact with snake, ignores all State
Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by
building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it
to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return.

Combat Engineer:
Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal
thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using
counter mobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't
understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.

Navy SEAL:
Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire
support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and
retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS
kill Muslim extremist snakes.

Navy:
Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships,
kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations
Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of
anti-snake Force projection.

Marine:
Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs.
Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area ofOperations.

Marine Recon:
Follows snake, gets lost.

[Marshal Murat]

In the Pentagon, they recite every hour over the inercom when the clock strikes the hour. At three o'clock...
Army:Fifteen Hundred
Navy:Three Bells
Marines:Big hands on the twelve, short hand's on the three.

[Kongamato]

A platoon of Army Rangers are conducting war games when one of the enemies, a Marine, calls to them from the hilltop "Hey Rangers, come get some!!!" The Rangers, smelling an easy kill, charge the hill. Thirty minutes later, after much simulated combat, the Rangers walk down the hill, defeated and angered. Their report states "The damned cowards tricked us! There were two Marines up there!!!"

[Somebody Else]

Three admirals - British, French and Spanish. Discussing courage.
Spaniard says to one of his men: "Diego, climb up to the top of the mainmast, and dive off into the sea." Diego does this. "That, amigos, is courage!"
Frenchman says to one of his men: "Pierre, climb up to the top of the mainmast, and dive into this bucket of water." Pierre does this, the logical conclusion occurs. "That, mes amis, is courage."
British admiral sighs, and says: "John, up to the top of the mast with you, jump down, - on your way, set fire to the sails, and land in this bucket of sand." John replies "You must be bloody joking!"
"That, my friends, is courage."

*

Sea captain, sailing along - spots a pirate ship on intercept course. Calls to his cabin boy, "Roger, bring me my red shirt!"
The ships meet, much fighting occurs, the captain and his crew emerge victorious.
Carry on sailing.
Two pirate ships sighted. "Roger, my red shirt!"
Boarding party, fighting, captain and crew win.
Roger asks the captain, "Sir, why the red shirt?" "Roger, my boy, I wear the red shirt so that if I'm wounded, the sight of my blood won't demoralise my faithful crew."
Sailing on.
Three pirate ships sighted.

"Roger, bring me my brown trousers!"

[SwordsMaster]

A US Army officer and an Aussie Ranger walk into the toilets, after answering the call of nature, the american notices that the aussie didnt wash his hands.
He washes his hands, walks out, stops the aussie and says in disgust:
"In the US Army they teach us to wash our hands after peeing" - The australian watches him with a humorous expression:
"Well, in the Australian Army they teach us not to pee on our hands"

[Degtyarev14.5]

I believe this dates from WWI...

When the German artillery fires, the French run for cover.
When the British artillery fires, the Germans run for cover.
When the French artillery fires, everyone runs for cover.


Why do Italian tanks have such large rear-vision mirrors?
So the crew can see the battle.


How do you stop a Romanian tank?
Shoot the people pushing it.

A.

[Zalmoxis]

How do you stop a Romanian tank?
Shoot the people pushing it.

A.

Make fun of France, at least Romanians imediately start running when the enemy statrts attacking, they switch sides.

[The Stranger]

ah you're pushing it

[el_slapper]

I believe this dates from WWI...

When the German artillery fires, the French run for cover.
When the British artillery fires, the Germans run for cover.
When the French artillery fires, everyone runs for cover.
(.../...)

Duh. Might have been true in other wars(especially 1870 one, where all forces went wrong), but in WWI, french artillery was mostly made of accurate 75mm pieces. The lack of high-caliber systems did prevent that kind of things(and was a real lack in our order of battle, by the way).

But hell, I wouldn't trust french artillery, this has never been our strong point, by far, & that joke is nevertheless rather accurate

[Degtyarev14.5]

Oh my God, relax fellas... It's a joke thread...

A.

[Sir Chauncy]

Actually El_Slapper is right, during the 1st WW the French artillery was by far the best on the front, in fact I seem to remember the British Troopers wanting to go to the French for advice and guidance, and their officers refusing to stoop to asking the French for help!.

Now if anything is a joke, that is.

[el_slapper]

I didn't say it was a bad joke, just that the "probably WWI" was probably wrong, that's all.

[Kaiser of Arabia]

Did you hear about the new Polish submarine? It sunk.
I guess the screen doors were a bad idea.

[Longshanks]

A Platoon Sergeant and his Platoon Leader are bunking down in the field for the night. The Platoon Sergeant looks up and says, "When you see all the stars in the sky, what do you think, sir?"

The LT replies, "Well, I think of how insignificant we really are in the universe; how small a piece of such a grand design. I can't help but wonder if what we do truly means anything or makes any difference. Why? What do you think of, Sergeant?"

"I think somebody stole the damn tent."

[Longshanks]

The British Military writes OFR's (officer fitness reports). The
form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206.
The following are actual excerpts taken from people's
"206's"....

- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

- I would not breed from this Officer.

- This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
definitely won't-be.

- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change
whichever foot was previously in there.

- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his
entire satisfaction.

- He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.

- Technically sound, but socially impossible.

- This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always
spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.

- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

- When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny;
since then he has aged considerably.

- This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals
from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.

- Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has
started to dig.

- She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
achieve them.

- He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.

- This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the
better.

- In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below
250 feet.

- The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.

- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a
rat in a trap

- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

- Only occasionally wets himself under pressure



Actual lines out of U.S. Military OERs (Officer Efficiency Report):

* Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
* Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
* A room temperature I.Q.....
* Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it
all together.
* A prime candidate for natural deselection.
* Bright as Alaska in December.
* Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but no train in sight
* So dense, light bends around him.
* If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
* If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered
twice a week.
* Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
* Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead

[KukriKhan]

One of my jobs in the Army was editing OER's for spelling, grammar, etc. My favorite:

"Lieutenant Allen is destined to go through life pushing on doors marked: 'Pull'. "

[Zone]

A selection of amusing quotes:


"AIM TOWARDS THE ENEMY." - Instruction printed on US Army Rocket Launcher
"WHEN THE PIN IS PULLED, MR. GRENADE IS NOT OUR FRIEND." - US Marine Corps
"CLUSTER BOMBING FROM B-52s IS VERY, VERY ACCURATE. THE BOMBS ARE GUARANTEED TO ALWAYS HIT THE GROUND." - USAF Ammo Troop
"IF THE ENEMY IS IN RANGE, SO ARE YOU." - US Army Infantry Journal
"A SLIPPING GEAR COULD LET YOUR M203 GRENADE LAUNCHER FIRE WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT. THAT WOULD MAKE YOU QUITE UNPOPULAR IN WHAT'S LEFT OF YOUR UNIT." - US Army's Magazine of Preventive Maintenance
"IT IS GENERALLY INADVISABLE TO EJECT DIRECTLY OVER THE AREA YOU'VE JUST BOMBED." - US Air Force manual
"TRY TO LOOK UNIMPORTANT; THE ENEMY MAY BE LOW ON AMMO." - US Army Infantry Journal
"TRACERS WORK BOTH WAYS." - US Army Ordnance
"FIVE-SECOND FUSES ONLY LAST THREE SECONDS." - US Army Infantry Journal
"BRAVERY IS BEING THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS YOU'RE AFRAID." - David Hackworth
"IF YOUR ATTACK IS GOING TOO WELL, YOU'RE WALKING INTO AN AMBUSH." - US Army Infantry Journal
"NO COMBAT-READY UNIT HAS EVER PASSED INSPECTION." - Joe Gay
"ANY SHIP CAN BE A MINESWEEPER . . ONCE." - Anon
"NEVER TELL THE PLATOON SERGEANT YOU HAVE NOTHING TO DO." - Unknown Marine Recruit
"DON'T DRAW FIRE; IT IRRITATES THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU." - US Army Infantry Journal
"IF YOU SEE A BOMB TECHNICIAN RUNNING, TRY TO KEEP UP WITH HIM." - USAF Ammo Troop

[The Stranger]

hhahahahahhaha those are funny

[SwordsMaster]

A selection of amusing quotes:


"AIM TOWARDS THE ENEMY." - Instruction printed on US Army Rocket Launcher
"WHEN THE PIN IS PULLED, MR. GRENADE IS NOT OUR FRIEND." - US Marine Corps
"CLUSTER BOMBING FROM B-52s IS VERY, VERY ACCURATE. THE BOMBS ARE GUARANTEED TO ALWAYS HIT THE GROUND." - USAF Ammo Troop
"IF THE ENEMY IS IN RANGE, SO ARE YOU." - US Army Infantry Journal
"A SLIPPING GEAR COULD LET YOUR M203 GRENADE LAUNCHER FIRE WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT. THAT WOULD MAKE YOU QUITE UNPOPULAR IN WHAT'S LEFT OF YOUR UNIT." - US Army's Magazine of Preventive Maintenance
"IT IS GENERALLY INADVISABLE TO EJECT DIRECTLY OVER THE AREA YOU'VE JUST BOMBED." - US Air Force manual
"TRY TO LOOK UNIMPORTANT; THE ENEMY MAY BE LOW ON AMMO." - US Army Infantry Journal
"TRACERS WORK BOTH WAYS." - US Army Ordnance
"FIVE-SECOND FUSES ONLY LAST THREE SECONDS." - US Army Infantry Journal
"BRAVERY IS BEING THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS YOU'RE AFRAID." - David Hackworth
"IF YOUR ATTACK IS GOING TOO WELL, YOU'RE WALKING INTO AN AMBUSH." - US Army Infantry Journal
"NO COMBAT-READY UNIT HAS EVER PASSED INSPECTION." - Joe Gay
"ANY SHIP CAN BE A MINESWEEPER . . ONCE." - Anon
"NEVER TELL THE PLATOON SERGEANT YOU HAVE NOTHING TO DO." - Unknown Marine Recruit
"DON'T DRAW FIRE; IT IRRITATES THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU." - US Army Infantry Journal
"IF YOU SEE A BOMB TECHNICIAN RUNNING, TRY TO KEEP UP WITH HIM." - USAF Ammo Troop

Well, you would have to admit they are all perfectly true...

Actually this reminds me of a poster in the rifle range. It was a poster with "safety instructions" when using a rifle in the range. The funny thing is, instruction number 6 was "KNOW HOW TO USE A RIFLE"

That was NUMBER 6

[Degtyarev14.5]

- Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.

I don't know why, but this one cracked me up.

Thanks Longshanks!

A.