Military Joke Thread

[Kaiser of Arabia]

Post some here.
NOTE: This is an equal opertunity joke thread.
Joke 1: Supposedly True story
This is based on an actual radio conversation between a U.S. Navy
aircraft carrier (U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln) and Canadian authorities
off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. (The radio
conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on
10/10/95 authorized by the Freedom of Information Act.)

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to
avoid collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the
North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15
degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND
LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE
ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS
SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES
NORTH--I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH--OR
COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

The difference between Infantry, Cavalry and Artillery.

HAPPINESS IS . . .
Infantry: A good rifle
Cavalry: A big tank
Artillery: A loud boom

UPON HEARING FIREWORKS
Infantry: Cool, just like a live fire exercise
Cavalry: Not loud enough
Artillery: Fireworks? What fireworks?

OTHER TRADES
Infantry: Waste of rations
Cavalry: Waste of rations
Artillery: Waste of rations

IDEA OF FUN
Infantry: Not having to "pepper-pot" an entire grid square before the objective
Cavalry: Racing across a grid square on "full stab"
Artillery: Leveling a grid square

FAVOURITE SONG
Infantry: "Ballad of the Green Beret"
Cavalry: "Purple Haze"
Artillery: Anything, just play it LOUD!

BIGGEST LUXURY IN THE FIELD
Infantry: Engineers blowing trenches for them with C4
Cavalry: Grunts to dig their trenches for them
Artillery: Cable

A LONG ROUTE MARCH WITH FULL KIT
Infantry: 20 clicks
Cavalry: From the hangars to the tank
Artillery: What's a route march?

OFFICERS
Infantry: Are morons and should stay away from the trenchlines
Cavalry: Are morons and should stay out of the vehicles
Artillery: Are morons and should stay away from the gun lines

FAVORITE MODE OF TRANSPORTATION
Infantry: Anything but walking
Cavalry: Tanks. Tanks. Tanks. TankstankstankstanksTANKS!
Artillery: Don't you have to move around to require transport?

BIGGEST GRIPE IN THE FIELD
Infantry: The weather
Cavalry: Coffee maker in tank not working
Artillery: Only having basic cable

BREAKFAST IN THE FIELD
Infantry: I don't care what it is, just so long as I can sit down to eat it
Cavalry: Hot coffee and rum with a beer chaser
Artillery: Eggs over easy, crispy bacon, sausages, toast and Tim Horton's coffee

WHAT THEY CALL THEMSELVES
Infantry: Death Techs
Cavalry: Cavalry
Artillery: 10 Mile Snipers

Comparison of military operational tactics (Snake model)

Infantry:
Snake smells them, leaves area.

Airborne:
Lands on and kills the snake.

Armor:
Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.

Aviation:
Has GPS coordinates to snake.
Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.

Ranger:
Plays with snake, then eats it.

Field Artillery:
Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage
with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several
hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is
considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics
and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.

Special Forces:
Makes contact with snake, ignores all State
Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by
building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it
to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return.

Combat Engineer:
Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal
thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using
counter mobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't
understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.

Navy SEAL:
Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire
support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and
retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS
kill Muslim extremist snakes.

Navy:
Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships,
kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations
Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of
anti-snake Force projection.

Marine:
Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs.
Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area ofOperations.

Marine Recon:
Follows snake, gets lost.

[Marshal Murat]

In the Pentagon, they recite every hour over the inercom when the clock strikes the hour. At three o'clock...
Army:Fifteen Hundred
Navy:Three Bells
Marines:Big hands on the twelve, short hand's on the three.

[Kongamato]

A platoon of Army Rangers are conducting war games when one of the enemies, a Marine, calls to them from the hilltop "Hey Rangers, come get some!!!" The Rangers, smelling an easy kill, charge the hill. Thirty minutes later, after much simulated combat, the Rangers walk down the hill, defeated and angered. Their report states "The damned cowards tricked us! There were two Marines up there!!!"

[Somebody Else]

Three admirals - British, French and Spanish. Discussing courage.
Spaniard says to one of his men: "Diego, climb up to the top of the mainmast, and dive off into the sea." Diego does this. "That, amigos, is courage!"
Frenchman says to one of his men: "Pierre, climb up to the top of the mainmast, and dive into this bucket of water." Pierre does this, the logical conclusion occurs. "That, mes amis, is courage."
British admiral sighs, and says: "John, up to the top of the mast with you, jump down, - on your way, set fire to the sails, and land in this bucket of sand." John replies "You must be bloody joking!"
"That, my friends, is courage."

*

Sea captain, sailing along - spots a pirate ship on intercept course. Calls to his cabin boy, "Roger, bring me my red shirt!"
The ships meet, much fighting occurs, the captain and his crew emerge victorious.
Carry on sailing.
Two pirate ships sighted. "Roger, my red shirt!"
Boarding party, fighting, captain and crew win.
Roger asks the captain, "Sir, why the red shirt?" "Roger, my boy, I wear the red shirt so that if I'm wounded, the sight of my blood won't demoralise my faithful crew."
Sailing on.
Three pirate ships sighted.

"Roger, bring me my brown trousers!"

[SwordsMaster]

A US Army officer and an Aussie Ranger walk into the toilets, after answering the call of nature, the american notices that the aussie didnt wash his hands.
He washes his hands, walks out, stops the aussie and says in disgust:
"In the US Army they teach us to wash our hands after peeing" - The australian watches him with a humorous expression:
"Well, in the Australian Army they teach us not to pee on our hands"

[Degtyarev14.5]

I believe this dates from WWI...

When the German artillery fires, the French run for cover.
When the British artillery fires, the Germans run for cover.
When the French artillery fires, everyone runs for cover.


Why do Italian tanks have such large rear-vision mirrors?
So the crew can see the battle.


How do you stop a Romanian tank?
Shoot the people pushing it.

A.