Military Joke Thread

[el_slapper]

I didn't say it was a bad joke, just that the "probably WWI" was probably wrong, that's all.

[Kaiser of Arabia]

Did you hear about the new Polish submarine? It sunk.
I guess the screen doors were a bad idea.

[Longshanks]

A Platoon Sergeant and his Platoon Leader are bunking down in the field for the night. The Platoon Sergeant looks up and says, "When you see all the stars in the sky, what do you think, sir?"

The LT replies, "Well, I think of how insignificant we really are in the universe; how small a piece of such a grand design. I can't help but wonder if what we do truly means anything or makes any difference. Why? What do you think of, Sergeant?"

"I think somebody stole the damn tent."

[Longshanks]

The British Military writes OFR's (officer fitness reports). The
form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206.
The following are actual excerpts taken from people's
"206's"....

- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

- I would not breed from this Officer.

- This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
definitely won't-be.

- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change
whichever foot was previously in there.

- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his
entire satisfaction.

- He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.

- Technically sound, but socially impossible.

- This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always
spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.

- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

- When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny;
since then he has aged considerably.

- This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals
from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.

- Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has
started to dig.

- She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
achieve them.

- He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.

- This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the
better.

- In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below
250 feet.

- The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.

- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a
rat in a trap

- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

- Only occasionally wets himself under pressure



Actual lines out of U.S. Military OERs (Officer Efficiency Report):

* Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
* Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
* A room temperature I.Q.....
* Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it
all together.
* A prime candidate for natural deselection.
* Bright as Alaska in December.
* Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but no train in sight
* So dense, light bends around him.
* If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
* If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered
twice a week.
* Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
* Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead

[KukriKhan]

One of my jobs in the Army was editing OER's for spelling, grammar, etc. My favorite:

"Lieutenant Allen is destined to go through life pushing on doors marked: 'Pull'. "

[Zone]

A selection of amusing quotes:


"AIM TOWARDS THE ENEMY." - Instruction printed on US Army Rocket Launcher
"WHEN THE PIN IS PULLED, MR. GRENADE IS NOT OUR FRIEND." - US Marine Corps
"CLUSTER BOMBING FROM B-52s IS VERY, VERY ACCURATE. THE BOMBS ARE GUARANTEED TO ALWAYS HIT THE GROUND." - USAF Ammo Troop
"IF THE ENEMY IS IN RANGE, SO ARE YOU." - US Army Infantry Journal
"A SLIPPING GEAR COULD LET YOUR M203 GRENADE LAUNCHER FIRE WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT. THAT WOULD MAKE YOU QUITE UNPOPULAR IN WHAT'S LEFT OF YOUR UNIT." - US Army's Magazine of Preventive Maintenance
"IT IS GENERALLY INADVISABLE TO EJECT DIRECTLY OVER THE AREA YOU'VE JUST BOMBED." - US Air Force manual
"TRY TO LOOK UNIMPORTANT; THE ENEMY MAY BE LOW ON AMMO." - US Army Infantry Journal
"TRACERS WORK BOTH WAYS." - US Army Ordnance
"FIVE-SECOND FUSES ONLY LAST THREE SECONDS." - US Army Infantry Journal
"BRAVERY IS BEING THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS YOU'RE AFRAID." - David Hackworth
"IF YOUR ATTACK IS GOING TOO WELL, YOU'RE WALKING INTO AN AMBUSH." - US Army Infantry Journal
"NO COMBAT-READY UNIT HAS EVER PASSED INSPECTION." - Joe Gay
"ANY SHIP CAN BE A MINESWEEPER . . ONCE." - Anon
"NEVER TELL THE PLATOON SERGEANT YOU HAVE NOTHING TO DO." - Unknown Marine Recruit
"DON'T DRAW FIRE; IT IRRITATES THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU." - US Army Infantry Journal
"IF YOU SEE A BOMB TECHNICIAN RUNNING, TRY TO KEEP UP WITH HIM." - USAF Ammo Troop

[The Stranger]

hhahahahahhaha those are funny

[SwordsMaster]

A selection of amusing quotes:


"AIM TOWARDS THE ENEMY." - Instruction printed on US Army Rocket Launcher
"WHEN THE PIN IS PULLED, MR. GRENADE IS NOT OUR FRIEND." - US Marine Corps
"CLUSTER BOMBING FROM B-52s IS VERY, VERY ACCURATE. THE BOMBS ARE GUARANTEED TO ALWAYS HIT THE GROUND." - USAF Ammo Troop
"IF THE ENEMY IS IN RANGE, SO ARE YOU." - US Army Infantry Journal
"A SLIPPING GEAR COULD LET YOUR M203 GRENADE LAUNCHER FIRE WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT. THAT WOULD MAKE YOU QUITE UNPOPULAR IN WHAT'S LEFT OF YOUR UNIT." - US Army's Magazine of Preventive Maintenance
"IT IS GENERALLY INADVISABLE TO EJECT DIRECTLY OVER THE AREA YOU'VE JUST BOMBED." - US Air Force manual
"TRY TO LOOK UNIMPORTANT; THE ENEMY MAY BE LOW ON AMMO." - US Army Infantry Journal
"TRACERS WORK BOTH WAYS." - US Army Ordnance
"FIVE-SECOND FUSES ONLY LAST THREE SECONDS." - US Army Infantry Journal
"BRAVERY IS BEING THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS YOU'RE AFRAID." - David Hackworth
"IF YOUR ATTACK IS GOING TOO WELL, YOU'RE WALKING INTO AN AMBUSH." - US Army Infantry Journal
"NO COMBAT-READY UNIT HAS EVER PASSED INSPECTION." - Joe Gay
"ANY SHIP CAN BE A MINESWEEPER . . ONCE." - Anon
"NEVER TELL THE PLATOON SERGEANT YOU HAVE NOTHING TO DO." - Unknown Marine Recruit
"DON'T DRAW FIRE; IT IRRITATES THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU." - US Army Infantry Journal
"IF YOU SEE A BOMB TECHNICIAN RUNNING, TRY TO KEEP UP WITH HIM." - USAF Ammo Troop

Well, you would have to admit they are all perfectly true...

Actually this reminds me of a poster in the rifle range. It was a poster with "safety instructions" when using a rifle in the range. The funny thing is, instruction number 6 was "KNOW HOW TO USE A RIFLE"

That was NUMBER 6

[Degtyarev14.5]

- Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.

I don't know why, but this one cracked me up.

Thanks Longshanks!

A.