Twins of Triumph

[Monk]

well it doesn't matter now. The other topic is closed. there's no need for two. but no harm done

Berserker!, it seems to me that you've already got the main plot figured out, i'd just expand upon it. You get much more satisfaction when the ideas you put forth on paper are your own. (i do atleast)

[Copperhaired Berserker!]

ok Monk

[Copperhaired Berserker!]

Ok this is my first part of my prequel to The Collosal empire, I hope you like it.

Part 1: The twins

When Brutus died, he had a fine funeral and a peaceful afterlife, he also joined his father up in Roman heaven. Now his two twins, Tiberus and Manius II (My first story's hero's name) were sharing the throne, how they never murdered each other for complete control of the throne, don't ask me why. They were young and handsome; smart and brave; great organizers; were at their pysical peak and they were twenty years of age. They were kind and caring (Except for their enemies, the Parthians.) and was also great friends with almost every single soldier they were leading. Each of them had a wife and two kids, all of the kids were boys. Their names were these, on the side of Tiberus's family: Augustus and Caesar and on the side of Manius's family: Octavin and Nero.Tiberus's wife was called Adora, Manius II's wife was called Aimee. The twins were living in Aintocus, A Roman bulit city up in Media. Life was brilliant there but too many times had Aintocus been sieged by the Parthians that the stupid old idiots who weared terrible pink robes and showed off with their huge amount of money, in other words SPQR, decided to go to war with the Parthians, telling every other Roman to do so as well.

Ok, that's the first part done, please can someone rate this part?

[Copperhaired Berserker!]

Life was brilliant there but too many times had Aintocus been sieged by the Parthians the stupid old idiots who weared terrible pink robes and showed offf with their huge amount of money, in other words SPQR, ?

oops, should have been "by the Parthians THAT the........... and also spotted a off with three fs

[Monk]

oops, should have been "by the Parthians THAT the........... and also spotted a off with three fs

you're a member now, you should be able to edit posts. look near the quote button

Ease up on your () usage. it takes the reader out of the story in many ways. you lose atmosphere when you have to explain something in that way. Try to work in what you want to say without rambling on or making it seem disjointed in the flow of the story. that would be better imho and help put the reader in the story.

Remember, writing is a skill that comes with time. take a deep breath and look at your posts, then ask yourself out loud how you can improve on it.

[Copperhaired Berserker!]

Would I normally get a member status from this?

[Monk]

Would I normally get a member status from this?

Everybody becomes a Member eventually. The Junior member phase is like a trial period for us to see if you can interact well with others. If so then you get promoted to full Member status and are allowed into the backroom. A non-tw discussion forum for anything political. You also get to edit your posts.

[Copperhaired Berserker!]

you're a member now, you should be able to edit posts. look near the quote button

Ease up on your () usage. it takes the reader out of the story in many ways. you lose atmosphere when you have to explain something in that way. Try to work in what you want to say without rambling on or making it seem disjointed in the flow of the story. that would be better imho and help put the reader in the story.

Remember, writing is a skill that comes with time. take a deep breath and look at your posts, then ask yourself out loud how you can improve on it.

Oh yeah, I've cut down on that

[Copperhaired Berserker!]

By the way my new story, Men of honour is being done. It is about WWII.