Results 1 to 5 of 5

Thread: Teutonic Knights(chapter I)

  1. #1
    Ja mata, TosaInu Forum Administrator edyzmedieval's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    Fortress of the Mountains
    Posts
    11,122

    Thumbs up Teutonic Knights

    Battle of Prussia,1279.....

    The leader and surviving soldiers stay on the blood-stained battlefield in Prussia.... The fight with the Poles has depleted almost 70% of the Teutonmeisters army. It's a desperate situation...The king knows very well that he doesn't have more troops to defend his castle because the Poles will surely win the next batttle and a siege is iminent..... Dark times lay ahead.....
    Back to his castle, the Teutonmeister reviews his troops...He has a merely 9.000 elite soldiers to defend Prussia....His emissaries give him good news: 12.000 florins have arrived and are stored in the treasury..... He goes back in the castle...
    Back inside, he walks agitated on the marbled floor of his
    throne room, waiting for some good news that will help the existance of the Teutonic Knights Order.....
    The Teutonmeister Karl I looks like a 60 year old man, but he is only 40. His scarred face reflects the fierce battles that he had participated to. His prudent eyes say almost everything about him. When he speaks to someone, he looks in his eyes everytime, which makes him a respected man and also gives him a noble elegance. He descends from the House of Swabia which rules the Holy Roman Empire.He was chosen to be the leader of the Teutonic Knights because he is of royal blood and also a good strategist and exceptional fighter.The royal apartement in which he lives in decorated with perls and jewels all the way from Antioch and Tripoli,where he has fought along with his brothers-of-arms,the Teutonic Knights. Paintings and oak tree furniture decorate even more this beautiful house where he lives and commands his armies against the invading Poles.

    He returns peacefully to his throne room, where an emissary arrives.
    "-Noble master, I give this to you. It's a book(letter) from our Christian lord, Pope Nicholas III.
    -Thank you. You will be rewarded for your bravery to deliver this important book to me.
    -Thank you,sire. May our Lord be with you!"

    The emissary gave the Teutonmeister a book in which is written:

    "Book from Pope Nicholas III
    June 6th 1279
    To the Teutonmeister,Karl Swabia I

    His Holy Highness, Pope Nicholas III greets you with an important message. God has spoken to him to transmit to you and other fellow brothers of the Knighthood to rally your men and embark on another Holy Crusade to retake the Holy Lands of Jerusalem. Books have been sent also to your brothers so they can join you in the quest to retake the Holy Lands.May the God help you.

    God bless you and those who participate in this Holy Task. God has spoken his will. You must fulfill it.

    Pope Nicholas III"

    The Teutonmeister rolled the parchement and re-sealed it. This is nothing but bad news. He must inform the Pope about the Poles who are attacking the Knighthood Orders. He decided to write a letter.

    "Book from Teutonmeister Karl Swabia I
    To Pope Nicholas III
    June 10th 1279

    Holy Father and Leader of All Christians,
    We wish to fullfil the tasks that God has sent to us. Unfortunately, we cannot. The Polish people are attacking us in order to take control of our homelands, Prussia. You must send reinforcements in order for us to defeat them and join the crusading army. And also, please excommunicate them.

    Teutonmeister Karl Swabia I"

    The Meister sealed the letter with wax and the sign of the Teutonic Knights order. He called upon an emissary to deliver this book.

    "-Squire Dirk, please call upon Emissary Otto.
    -Yes my Lord.'"

    After 10 minutes, a 30 year old man came in the throne room. He was similar to the Meister. He was very prudent and also a sybarite, unlike the Meister and also a very devout man and very loyal.

    "-Emissary Otto, it is your loyalty to me that will give you this very important mission. This book must be delivered very fast to Pope Nicholas III. You must protect it with your life. 5 of my most loyal knights will accompany you in this important mission. This must not get into the hands of the Poles. You shall go through Pomerania then South Saxony, Franconia, Swabia, Switzerland, Tyrolia, Venezia, Papal States and then Rome. After you deliver the book, go to the Holy Roman Empire leader and propose an alliance. Another 8 men,diplomats also, will accompany you to make this also a diplomatic mission. God bless you in this Holy Task.

    - Thank you, sire. May God help you on the battlefield!"

    The emissary left the throne room and rode a horse on the paved roads of Prussia with the destination Rome."

    By Edyzmedieval
    Last edited by edyzmedieval; 05-18-2005 at 07:56.
    Ja mata, TosaInu. You will forever be remembered.

    Proud

    Been to:

    Swords Made of Letters - 1938. The war is looming - and Alexandre Reythier does not have much time left to protect his country.

  2. #2
    Bringing down the vulgaroisie Member King Henry V's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    Location
    The Don of Lon.
    Posts
    2,845

    Default Re: Teutonic Knights(chapter I)

    Sehr Gut, Edyzmedieval! But there are a few points which aren't quite right:
    First, 70% is not very mediaeval, it's better to say "only three men in ten of the Teutonmeister's army have survived the bloody, relentless battles with the Poles."
    Secondly, abbreviations such as "it's" should only be used in dialogue (although even that is not very mediaeval). The correct phrase should be : "The situation is desperate...."
    Thirdly, do not jump tense suddenly. If you are going to write it the present, don't change into the past. It should be:"Dark times lie ahead....". This immerses
    the reader more into the story.
    Fourth, do not use the series of full stops so much. You use it well often enough, but there can be too much of kind thing.
    Fifth, don't use "also". It's better just to stick to plain old "and".
    Otherwise, it's a promising beginning. I eagerly await the next chapter.
    P.S Welcome to the Mead Hall
    Last edited by King Henry V; 05-17-2005 at 23:23.
    www.thechap.net
    "We were not born into this world to be happy, but to do our duty." Bismarck
    "You can't be a successful Dictator and design women's underclothing. One or the other. Not both." The Right Hon. Bertram Wilberforce Wooster
    "Man, being reasonable, must get drunk; the best of life is but intoxication" - Lord Byron
    "Where men are forbidden to honour a king they honour millionaires, athletes, or film-stars instead: even famous prostitutes or gangsters. For spiritual nature, like bodily nature, will be served; deny it food and it will gobble poison." - C. S. Lewis

  3. #3
    Ja mata, TosaInu Forum Administrator edyzmedieval's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    Fortress of the Mountains
    Posts
    11,122

    Default Re: Teutonic Knights(chapter I)

    :)))))))))))))))))))))........... You sound like my English teacher.....

    Anyway, thanks for the remarks... I'll have to check my grammar next time .. The next chapter is going to be an intermediary because the third chapter is the biggest one....

    Cheers,
    Edward


    P.S.: The one with "Dark times lay ahead"....Sorry, it was a spelling mistake....
    Ja mata, TosaInu. You will forever be remembered.

    Proud

    Been to:

    Swords Made of Letters - 1938. The war is looming - and Alexandre Reythier does not have much time left to protect his country.

  4. #4
    Bringing down the vulgaroisie Member King Henry V's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    Location
    The Don of Lon.
    Posts
    2,845

    Default Re: Teutonic Knights(chapter I)

    No problem, happy to help. By the way, are you French-speaking? It's just that the way you write your dialogue is quite French.
    www.thechap.net
    "We were not born into this world to be happy, but to do our duty." Bismarck
    "You can't be a successful Dictator and design women's underclothing. One or the other. Not both." The Right Hon. Bertram Wilberforce Wooster
    "Man, being reasonable, must get drunk; the best of life is but intoxication" - Lord Byron
    "Where men are forbidden to honour a king they honour millionaires, athletes, or film-stars instead: even famous prostitutes or gangsters. For spiritual nature, like bodily nature, will be served; deny it food and it will gobble poison." - C. S. Lewis

  5. #5
    Ja mata, TosaInu Forum Administrator edyzmedieval's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    Fortress of the Mountains
    Posts
    11,122

    Default Re: Teutonic Knights(chapter I)

    That's the most unusual remark I've ever received!!!!!!!! Interesting...

    By the way, no...I'm from Romania, France is about 3000km away!!!

    Hope you're gonna like chapter II..... Soon following...
    Ja mata, TosaInu. You will forever be remembered.

    Proud

    Been to:

    Swords Made of Letters - 1938. The war is looming - and Alexandre Reythier does not have much time left to protect his country.

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
Single Sign On provided by vBSSO