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  1. #1
    Ja mata, TosaInu Forum Administrator edyzmedieval's Avatar
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    Thumbs up Teutonic Knights

    Chapter I

    Hope you like it!!!

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    Battle of Prussia,1279.....

    The leader and surviving soldiers stay on the blood-stained battlefield in Prussia.... The fight with the Poles has depleted almost 70% of the Teutonmeisters army. It's a desperate situation...The king knows very well that he doesn't have more troops to defend his castle because the Poles will surely win the next batttle and a siege is iminent..... Dark times lay ahead.....
    Back to his castle, the Teutonmeister reviews his troops...He has a merely 9.000 elite soldiers to defend Prussia....His emissaries give him good news: 12.000 florins have arrived and are stored in the treasury..... He goes back in the castle...
    Back inside, he walks agitated on the marbled floor of his
    throne room, waiting for some good news that will help the existance of the Teutonic Knights Order.....
    The Teutonmeister Karl I looks like a 60 year old man, but he is only 40. His scarred face reflects the fierce battles that he had participated to. His prudent eyes say almost everything about him. When he speaks to someone, he looks in his eyes everytime, which makes him a respected man and also gives him a noble elegance. He descends from the House of Swabia which rules the Holy Roman Empire.He was chosen to be the leader of the Teutonic Knights because he is of royal blood and also a good strategist and exceptional fighter.The royal apartement in which he lives in decorated with perls and jewels all the way from Antioch and Tripoli,where he has fought along with his brothers-of-arms,the Teutonic Knights. Paintings and oak tree furniture decorate even more this beautiful house where he lives and commands his armies against the invading Poles.

    He returns peacefully to his throne room, where an emissary arrives.
    "-Noble master, I give this to you. It's a book(letter) from our Christian lord, Pope Nicholas III.
    -Thank you. You will be rewarded for your bravery to deliver this important book to me.
    -Thank you,sire. May our Lord be with you!"

    The emissary gave the Teutonmeister a book in which is written:

    "Book from Pope Nicholas III
    June 6th 1279
    To the Teutonmeister,Karl Swabia I

    His Holy Highness, Pope Nicholas III greets you with an important message. God has spoken to him to transmit to you and other fellow brothers of the Knighthood to rally your men and embark on another Holy Crusade to retake the Holy Lands of Jerusalem. Books have been sent also to your brothers so they can join you in the quest to retake the Holy Lands.May the God help you.

    God bless you and those who participate in this Holy Task. God has spoken his will. You must fulfill it.

    Pope Nicholas III"

    The Teutonmeister rolled the parchement and re-sealed it. This is nothing but bad news. He must inform the Pope about the Poles who are attacking the Knighthood Orders. He decided to write a letter.

    "Book from Teutonmeister Karl Swabia I
    To Pope Nicholas III
    June 10th 1279

    Holy Father and Leader of All Christians,
    We wish to fullfil the tasks that God has sent to us. Unfortunately, we cannot. The Polish people are attacking us in order to take control of our homelands, Prussia. You must send reinforcements in order for us to defeat them and join the crusading army. And also, please excommunicate them.

    Teutonmeister Karl Swabia I"

    The Meister sealed the letter with wax and the sign of the Teutonic Knights order. He called upon an emissary to deliver this book.

    "-Squire Dirk, please call upon Emissary Otto.
    -Yes my Lord.'"

    After 10 minutes, a 30 year old man came in the throne room. He was similar to the Meister. He was very prudent and also a sybarite, unlike the Meister and also a very devout man and very loyal.

    "-Emissary Otto, it is your loyalty to me that will give you this very important mission. This book must be delivered very fast to Pope Nicholas III. You must protect it with your life. 5 of my most loyal knights will accompany you in this important mission. This must not get into the hands of the Poles. You shall go through Pomerania then South Saxony, Franconia, Swabia, Switzerland, Tyrolia, Venezia, Papal States and then Rome. After you deliver the book, go to the Holy Roman Empire leader and propose an alliance. Another 8 men,diplomats also, will accompany you to make this also a diplomatic mission. God bless you in this Holy Task.

    - Thank you, sire. May God help you on the battlefield!"

    The emissary left the throne room and rode a horse on the paved roads of Prussia with the destination Rome."

    By Edyzmedieval

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Ja mata, TosaInu. You will forever be remembered.

    Proud

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    Swords Made of Letters - 1938. The war is looming - and Alexandre Reythier does not have much time left to protect his country.

  2. #2
    Ja mata, TosaInu Forum Administrator edyzmedieval's Avatar
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    Default Re: Teutonic Knights

    Chapter II

    Hope you enjoy it!!!

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    The Teutonmeister scratches his beard and thinks on how to defeat the Poles....The lowlands of Prussia aren't much help to him.... Intelligence reports from his spies indicate that the Poles are coming again to Prussia to give a death blow to the noble Teutonic Knights.... He must do something about his country he loves so much....Something.....Anything

    Bad news arrive after 1 hour....The Poles have marched into Prussia and burnt all the villages that standed in their way, spreading terror and fear to the people of Prussia.

    The next day, he tells his squire to send all the generals and high deputees in the Chancellery.....After the generals, strategists, Chief Builder, Lord Chancellor... arrive, he speaks to them:

    "-Men of honour, worthy and brave to be part of the noble Teutonic Knights, it is our duty to protect our country that fed us, gave us water to drink, gave us a home where we could be defended from the calamities of nature.... Tommorrow, we shall face again the Polish Kingdom. They are worthy soldiers but not noble.... We must crush them tommorrow in order for them to stop the attacks on Prussia, our homeland... A diplomatic mission has been sent to the Pope to let him know of what atrocities are the Poles capable of.... In conclusion, tommorrow, victory or die!!!!!!!

    The whole Chancellery exploded with the words: "Teutonmeister! Teutonmeister! Teutonmeister!"

    The Teutonic Knights started to prepare for the battle that will decide the future of their kingdom......

    God bless them.....

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Chapter III will include the fierce battle and the arrival of the Emissary from the Pope....
    Ja mata, TosaInu. You will forever be remembered.

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  3. #3
    The Abominable Senior Member Hexxagon Champion Monk's Avatar
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    Default Re: Teutonic Knights

    There you are, other threads closed. Good day

  4. #4
    Bringing down the vulgaroisie Member King Henry V's Avatar
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    Default Re: Teutonic Knights

    Why have you suddenly become a guest Edyzmedieval? I thought you were a full member.
    www.thechap.net
    "We were not born into this world to be happy, but to do our duty." Bismarck
    "You can't be a successful Dictator and design women's underclothing. One or the other. Not both." The Right Hon. Bertram Wilberforce Wooster
    "Man, being reasonable, must get drunk; the best of life is but intoxication" - Lord Byron
    "Where men are forbidden to honour a king they honour millionaires, athletes, or film-stars instead: even famous prostitutes or gangsters. For spiritual nature, like bodily nature, will be served; deny it food and it will gobble poison." - C. S. Lewis

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    Ja mata, TosaInu Forum Administrator edyzmedieval's Avatar
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    Default Re: Teutonic Knights

    Don't ask.... I'm damn furious about it!!!!!!!
    Ja mata, TosaInu. You will forever be remembered.

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    Ja mata, TosaInu Forum Administrator edyzmedieval's Avatar
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    Default Re: Teutonic Knights

    Ok... To those who read this: Can you give me some feedback??? Please???

    1. Do you like this story?
    2. If no, what don't you like???
    3. What mus be improved in order for the story to be perfect...
    4. If you can, please give me some ideas on future stories???

    Thanks!!!
    Ja mata, TosaInu. You will forever be remembered.

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  7. #7
    Bringing down the vulgaroisie Member King Henry V's Avatar
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    Default Re: Teutonic Knights

    I'll reply if you post on my story Deal?
    www.thechap.net
    "We were not born into this world to be happy, but to do our duty." Bismarck
    "You can't be a successful Dictator and design women's underclothing. One or the other. Not both." The Right Hon. Bertram Wilberforce Wooster
    "Man, being reasonable, must get drunk; the best of life is but intoxication" - Lord Byron
    "Where men are forbidden to honour a king they honour millionaires, athletes, or film-stars instead: even famous prostitutes or gangsters. For spiritual nature, like bodily nature, will be served; deny it food and it will gobble poison." - C. S. Lewis

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    Ja mata, TosaInu Forum Administrator edyzmedieval's Avatar
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    Default Re: Teutonic Knights

    Deal!!!

    How's about the feedback???
    Ja mata, TosaInu. You will forever be remembered.

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  9. #9
    Bringing down the vulgaroisie Member King Henry V's Avatar
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    Default Re: Teutonic Knights

    Look at the comments I made in the other thread before. It's a good story, but better writing can make it an excellent story. O.K, here it is:
    You still write too many "...........". It's good in some places like "Something.....Anything", but remember, if you use too much of a good thing, especially in places where it is not needed, then it loses its originality. It's like if you do things all the same colour. It's bland and it just doesn't sound good.
    Don't always state things. Use dialogue. Instead of saying " bad news arrive after one hour" (little grammatical/spelling error: it should be bad news arrives), go into a whole scene where you have a mud-splattered messenger telling the Teutonmeister that the Poles have invaded Prussia and have pillaged the land. Then you have the Teutonmeister ordering his squire to send for all the generals. Describe the scene in the Chancellery a bit more. Have some people first saying that the Poles are too strong and the Teutons too weak and that they must flee. This helps the story come alive and makes the reader want to read on. By the way, your tense slipped at the end. Its good if write in the present since it makes the story more vivid, but stick to the present.
    On more ideas for the story, how about that the Pope betrays the Teutonmeister and threatens excommunication if he does not make peace with Poland (Pope's been bribed). That could be an interesting twist.

    P.S Hope you like my story since it's set in your favourite empire.
    www.thechap.net
    "We were not born into this world to be happy, but to do our duty." Bismarck
    "You can't be a successful Dictator and design women's underclothing. One or the other. Not both." The Right Hon. Bertram Wilberforce Wooster
    "Man, being reasonable, must get drunk; the best of life is but intoxication" - Lord Byron
    "Where men are forbidden to honour a king they honour millionaires, athletes, or film-stars instead: even famous prostitutes or gangsters. For spiritual nature, like bodily nature, will be served; deny it food and it will gobble poison." - C. S. Lewis

  10. #10
    Ja mata, TosaInu Forum Administrator edyzmedieval's Avatar
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    Thumbs up Teutonic Knights chapter III

    Teutonic Knights chapter III....Hope you like it!!

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    Battle of Prussia, Summer, 1279

    The Teutonmeister was prepared for the battle. He had about 12.000 elite troops formed of Teutonic Knights and 80.000 medium troops formed of light cavalry, some peasants, medium infantry and spearmen and pikemen.... He had to win this battle to deal a crushing blow to the Poles so they won't attack Prussia again.... Also, he had to win it because if they lost it, it would have meant the end of the noble Teutonic Knights and a big loss to the Christendom.

    The enemy standing in front of him were the Poles... Their army was very powerful and disciplined.... They had about 120.000 troops, 8.000 of them were elite troops, the rest were medium and peasants.....

    The Teutonmeister had a complex formation....He chose a 3 flank formation, the 2 sides were full of cavalry... He also hid many of his elite cavalry in the woods so they can charge in the back of the Poles....It worked...The Poles haven't spotted the elite cavalry in the woods... In the middle, the Meister deployed his infantry and spearmen, along with the Teutonic Knights, which are sparingly used because they are few and also very important because of their skill in battle...The Teutonmeister said to his whole army:

    "-Noble men and knights, we are here to defend Prussia, our homeland and our land-mother....Victory here will surely secure our destiny and we shall invade the pagan Lithuanians.... But before that, we must face the Poles once again...They think they are going to defeat us easily... We shall face them and hit them very hard where it hurts the most... May God be with us all!!!!"

    Roars of joy and celebration were heard all over the field....

    A fierce battle taking place in Prussia was going to be noted in history, for sure....

    The 2 armies were staring at each other... Every one wanted to see who failed first... The Teutons... They've sent their Teutonic Sergeants to charge into the left flank of the army... The Polish Retainers did they almost the same thing, charging into the Teutonic Sergeants... But the Polish Retainers quickly routed...The force of the Teutons has been proved... King Wladyslaw I ordered the whole army to join the left flank... They've fell into the trap...At the same moment, 8.000 Teutonic Knights charged out of the woods in the back and in the flanks of the enemy army... This produced huge routing from the Poles.... Their medium troops were not able to handle the huge force of the Teutonic Knights....The elite soldiers of the Polish army marched in to stop the routing and kill the knights.... For a moment, it worked because the knights were confused but 20.000 medium infantry composed of Teutonic Spearmen and Swordsmen marched to fight... It was a fierce battle... The Poles stopped routing because they had no place to flee.... They decided to fight to the death....

    Swordsmen and spearmen were in a battle for the survival of 2 kingdoms, the Poles and the Teutonic Knights...The Teutons momentarily had the advantage, because their enemy was confused.... Plate mail and iron swords were crashing and banging....The sound was incredible.... Arrows from the Teutons and the Poles were showering their enemies with death.....The first units of Poles had dissapeared.... They had fought desperately against Teutonic Swordsmen but the superior valour and equipment proved decisive.... King Wladyslaw I was fighting desperately in a battle with Teutonmeister Karl Swabia I.... The Meister finally dealt a crushing sword blow that killed his adversary....Panic spread amongst the Poles.... The death of their respected king proved decisive as the Poles were trying to escape by any means... The battle slowly turned into a massacre of the Polish Army.....The Teutonmeister ordered his troops:

    "-Noble knights, do not kill these lowly Poles... The Code of Knighthood binded us to behave in a chivalric manner... And also God has told us not to kill our brothers-in-faith... Let them go! God will not repay us for killing innocent people forced to fight by their pagan leader who is fortunately,dead..."

    The Poles lost 90.000 men and lost all of their elite troops, including their king and 2 heirs.... The Teutons lost about 40.000 men, includind 2.000 elite Teutonic Knights.... The battle proved decisive in the history of the Teutonic Knights.

    "-Men, I am very proud of you, said the Teutonmeister... We have dealt a crushing blow to our enemies... God has blessed us today with a heroic victory!!! They stand forever crushed under our feet.... If we gather out forces together, we can conquer Poland... Vast riched await us in Poland...It's a land of cultural beauty and wealth.... But for now, we must rest, because the pagan Lithuanians have been harrasing our borders...We must wait to gather fresh troops.. For now, let us return to our castles and families, and prepare to mark another victory for Jesus Christ."

    The heroic battle had made the tour of the world...In every part of Europe, tales of this heroic victory of the Teutonic Knights have been told.... The Teutons have increased their influence greatly with this battle and also in territory, parts of Poland have been "glued" to Prussia.....

    The following days, emissaries from all of Europe had arrived in Prussia.... The Teutons forged an important alliance with the Holy Roman Empire and the Spanish... But the most important emissaries were the from the Poles and Emissary Otto who had arrived from the Pope.

    "-Great Lord, it is the new king, King Wladyslaw II of the Poles, that wishes to seal a ceasefire with your Highness.... He also gives a gift of 2000 florins, small parts of Northern Poland, map information and trade rights....Will you accept?

    -Yes, I shall accept...It is a great honour for me to make a ceasefire with the Poles... I want to invite him to our courts to make other diplomatic alliances.... Thank You and God bless your kingdom

    -Great Lord, you are a very wise and rational man....God bless us all!!!"

    Teutonmeister Karl I is happy to make a ceasefire with the Poles.. That way he can rebuild his armies to conquer once and for all the Lithuanians without worrying the Poles will attack Prussia.... He greeted fast Emissary Otto...

    "-Lord Otto... I see with great pleasure that you have fresh news from the Pope...Let me see!

    -Immediately Sire.... The Pope has told me to tell you other important things that will be very important for the Teutonic Knights..."

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Chapter III will contain the book from the Pope!!!
    Ja mata, TosaInu. You will forever be remembered.

    Proud

    Been to:

    Swords Made of Letters - 1938. The war is looming - and Alexandre Reythier does not have much time left to protect his country.

  11. #11
    The Abominable Senior Member Hexxagon Champion Monk's Avatar
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    Default Re: Teutonic Knights

    King henry V has said all that needs to be said. He outlines some good points so I make my words his.

    You really do over use "...". and you should never use more than three in a row (like this .....) because it's redundant. You don't need that many to put across your point. Because you use it so mean times, a lot of your story is one big sentence, which doesn't read well.

    you should also edit this more, and only put dialogue inside "", while keeping what is not dialogue out of them. example of which is you do this:

    "Men, I am very proud of you, said the Teutonmeister"

    when it should be...

    "Men, I am very proud of you," said the Teutonmeister.

    Doing this lets the reader know where talking stops and description begins. you also do not need a - at the start of dialogue
    Last edited by Monk; 05-30-2005 at 00:37.

  12. #12
    Bringing down the vulgaroisie Member King Henry V's Avatar
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    Default Re: Teutonic Knights

    It seems Edyzmedieval has gone a bit quiet recently.
    www.thechap.net
    "We were not born into this world to be happy, but to do our duty." Bismarck
    "You can't be a successful Dictator and design women's underclothing. One or the other. Not both." The Right Hon. Bertram Wilberforce Wooster
    "Man, being reasonable, must get drunk; the best of life is but intoxication" - Lord Byron
    "Where men are forbidden to honour a king they honour millionaires, athletes, or film-stars instead: even famous prostitutes or gangsters. For spiritual nature, like bodily nature, will be served; deny it food and it will gobble poison." - C. S. Lewis

  13. #13
    Ja mata, TosaInu Forum Administrator edyzmedieval's Avatar
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    Default Re: Teutonic Knights

    .... No way...I'm thinking,praying,studying and writing(just like Anna Comnena )

    Seriously now, I'm thinking about and composing chapter II,III....

    BTW..The next chapter is soon...About Teutonic Knights...
    Ja mata, TosaInu. You will forever be remembered.

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  14. #14
    Ja mata, TosaInu Forum Administrator edyzmedieval's Avatar
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    Default Re: Teutonic Knights

    Chapter IV... Hope you like it!!!

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    "Book from Nicollo V
    To Teutonmeister Karl Swabia I

    Grand Master, I cannot help you. I am busy with the Crusades. The Poles cannot be excommunicated because they did many things to the God Mother Church. You have to take care of yourselves.

    Pope Nicollo V"

    The Grand Master was dissapointed but the help from the Pope did not matter because he made a ceasefire with the Poles.

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    The following chapter is the Battle of Tannenberg\Grunwald 1410. Hope you like this one!!!
    Last edited by edyzmedieval; 06-30-2005 at 11:39.
    Ja mata, TosaInu. You will forever be remembered.

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  15. #15
    Ja mata, TosaInu Forum Administrator edyzmedieval's Avatar
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    Default Re: Teutonic Knights

    Here's chapter V... Hope you like it!!!

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    June, 1410...

    139 years have passed since the last great battle with the Poles. Grand Master Ulrich von Jungingen is worried about the recent reports of attacks by the Poles and their allies, the Lithuanians. The recent signing of an alliance by the Poles and the Lithuanians has increased the danger of existence of the great Teutonic Order. Now, the Teutonmeister must face a double threat. He receives and urgent message from one of his spies.

    "To Mein Teutonmeister,

    Sire, I must inform you that a huge Polish and Lithuanian army is marching on to Kauernick. It has passed the fortress of Lautenburg and is marching on."

    The Teutonmeister is worrying deeply. He orders the march on to Kauernick to meet the combined army of Polish and Lithuanians.
    He ordered Heinrich von Plauen to guard and fortify Marienburg, the great capital and fortress of the Teutonic Knights.


    After the Teuton force arrives at Kauernick, the Poles decide to leave to Drewenz. Simultanously, the Teuton main force decides to go parallel with the Poles. They pass Lobau and march on. On the 14th of July, they arrive at Tannenberg and prepare their defensive positions. The Poles arrive there on the 15th of July after a day of rest at Gligenburg. The Teutons prepared their defensive positions and they were ready and waiting for the Poles and Lithuanians to come......

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    The next chapter is with the battle!!!!
    Ja mata, TosaInu. You will forever be remembered.

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  16. #16
    One of the Undutchables Member The Stranger's Avatar
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    Default Re: Teutonic Knights

    good story, i dont wright like you though, i wright more like master of puppets. just put on paper what comes up first. no i replied yours, please reply to mine (to the last bunker)

    We do not sow.

  17. #17
    Ja mata, TosaInu Forum Administrator edyzmedieval's Avatar
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    Default Re: Teutonic Knights

    Chapter VI.Battle of Tannenburg 1410

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    The Polish army was resting at Gligenburg, before the battle. The Polish king, Wladislaw Jagiello was making the final preparations when the horn sounded:

    "-FORWARD!"

    The following hour, under a full moon, the combined armies of Poland/Lithuania marched on and camped near Faulen. As the night passed, at the early hours, the soldiers of both armies woke up. The Teutonic Knights reinforced their positions and waited for the Poles to come. Meanwhile in the Polish camp, King Wladislaw Jagiello was praying. Grand Duke Vytautas came to his cousin and said:

    "-Brother, this is the day of battle,not prayer!"

    King Wladislaw donned his armour and left his tent. He "belted" his personal guards and marched forward on to the hill to observe the battle.
    The Teutons were placed very well on their defensive positions. Little did the Polish king know, that the Teutonic Knights, on the night before the battle, dug pits to trap the enemy cavalry. He thought:"It is going to be a bloody battle". The follwing minutes, a messenger from the Grand Master arrived with 2 swords and a message for King Wladislaw.

    "Know you, King and Vytautas, that this very hour we shall do battle with you. For this, we send you these swords for assistance"

    The King smiled and replied:
    "We accept the swords you sent us, and in the name of Christ, before whom all stiff necked pride must bow, we shall do battle".

    The messenger left and the Poles marched forward, with the Lithuanians attacking the left flank of the Teutonic Knights. Bitter fighting between the knights and the lithuanians took place for 1 hour, until the Lithuanians finally retreated.
    Seizing the moment, as the entire Polish army was commited in the centre, the Grand Master led his armoured knights straight to the Polish right flank, striking hard and heading for the Polish King. Unfortunately, his attack was repulsed and he had to regroup, fighting hard in the centre, helping his troops. Everywhere you could see blood and slain soldiers.
    Unfortunately for the Teutons, the Lithuanians came back, bringing the joy back to the Poles, who were in bitter melee with the Teutons. In the bitter fighting, one Polish knight, Dobieslaw of Olesnica, thrusted a lance in the neck of the Grand Master. The Master dropped his sword and fell from his horse. This had a devastating impact on his troops.
    The pressed troops suddenly bended without their leader and started to retreat. The Polish troops pressed forward, capturing thousands of Teutonic troops.

    Only about 1500 Teutonic troops made it back to Marienburg. The Polish troops, under King Wladislaw Jagiello pressed forward to Marienburg, conquering every castle in their path.

    This battle was a disaster for the Teutonic Knights, who never made it back to their original power.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Chapter VII is a briefing before Chapter VIII which contains the Siege of Marienburg. Hope you enjoyed this one!!!!
    Ja mata, TosaInu. You will forever be remembered.

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  18. #18
    Ja mata, TosaInu Forum Administrator edyzmedieval's Avatar
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    Default Re: Teutonic Knights

    People, can you post some feedback?!

    So I can know what's good and what's wrong with my book....
    Ja mata, TosaInu. You will forever be remembered.

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  19. #19
    Ja mata, TosaInu Forum Administrator edyzmedieval's Avatar
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    Default Re: Teutonic Knights

    Chapter VII. Memoirs of Friedrich von Kastilien

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Memoirs of Friedrich of Kastilien(fictional)

    Total disaster has covered the Teutonic Knights. Now that their Grand Master is dead, they are leaderless and without power against the Lithuanians and Poles. They buried their Grand Master yesterday, a glorious life going to join his worthy ancestors. Today is going to be the day when the Grand Master is appointed....

    11:59 a.m.

    Everybody gathered up at the Marienburg cathedral to see who is going to be their new leader and defender of the Teutonic Knights. Rumbling and talking everywhere, and only about 1 subject: their new leader

    12:00 p.m.

    The big bell sounded, and Cardinal Franken exited the Cathedral, all eyes upon him. He said:

    "-Brave soldiers, in the name and glory of God, I give you, our new defender against the infidels: Heinrich von Plauen!"

    Everybody clapped their hands and everywhere you could see happy faces. Heinrich von Plauen was a great commander. He was quite tall, with muscles and had an intelligent face. He inspired respect and nobility. His ancestors were rulers of the Teutonic Knights.

    "-Men, said von Plauen, I will promise you that, as long as I stay leader, no Pole or Lithuanian will ever set foot in this castle. Trust my word!
    -YEEEEAAAAHHHH!!!!!"

    He had very good support from the soldiers, so he was happy. You could have seen that from his face. But everyone's joy dissapeared when they heard the drums. The Poles had came to assault the city...

    Now the real battle starts....

    -------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Chapter VIII is about the Siege of Marienburg.
    Ja mata, TosaInu. You will forever be remembered.

    Proud

    Been to:

    Swords Made of Letters - 1938. The war is looming - and Alexandre Reythier does not have much time left to protect his country.

  20. #20
    Yesdachi swallowed by Jaguar! Member yesdachi's Avatar
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    Default Re: Teutonic Knights

    Edyz, I like your stories. The grammar is a little off in some areas but easily fixed, so itís no big deal. The part of the story that I would like to see you spend more time on is the "setting the stage" part. You do a nice job describing some of the people, I would like to see the same effort put into describing the era, political climate, land, mood of the people, etc. I donít know very much about the area/time period and more insight would make me feel more like a part of what I was reading. It also goes for your "The Fall of Constantinople" story, which I also enjoyed reading so far.

    I wouldnít try to cram a description of everything into a paragraph in the beginning of the chapter but where it may come naturally. Maybe when an emissary returns he updates the status of the ___. Or it is narrated that he traveled thru ___ where ___ happens all the time.

    You do mention things like "Summer 1279" but take it to the next level (without sounding like a dry historian of course). Turn it into a paragraph with a little info, rain after weeks of beautiful weather, the peopleís confidence in the outcome of the coming battle, we completed the building of a ___, the son of our finest metal smith has begun apprenticing with his father and are making fantastic new armor for our knights, etc.

    Also, maybe ramp up a sub plot; you have some but none that appear to have any continued significance. Emissary leaves, emissary returns with a letter, bla. I wouldnít turn it into a soap opera but there is definitely room to expand the drama from the political triangle the pope is playing. In the Constantinople story there is a thing with the Viziers going on and thatís good as long as it is going some where/will be an event of meaning in the story later. I really like a story element that starts out small early and twists into a critical element later.

    Well, thatís my 2 cents.
    I look forward to the next chapters!
    Thanks for a fun read.
    Peace in Europe will never stay, because I play Medieval II Total War every day. ~YesDachi

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