Got any funny signs?

[Arrowhead]

Outside a Paris Lady's Dress Shop:
"Women have fits upstairs"

Outside a Small Hotel in Vienna:
"Patrons should feel free to take advantage of the chambermaid"

Outside a men's laundromat in Holland:
"Men feel free to drop your pants here."

A sign on the property of Dale Catching in Centerville, Texas USA:
KEEP OUT!
TRESPASSERS WILL BE SHOT.
(Survivors will be prosecuted)

In the window of a Swedish furrier:
Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.

In a Japanese hotel room:
Please to bathe inside the tub.

In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter backwards, and only when lit up.

In an East African newspaper:
A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.

From the Soviet Weekly:
There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

Sign in office block:
Lift out of order. Please use elevator

Sign on a repair shop door:
We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)

Spotted in a safari park:
Elephants please stay in your car

Notice in health food shop window:
Closed due to illness

Spotted in a garden centre:
Up these steps for the sunken garden

Sign in a chemist's shop:
We dispense with accuracy

Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish:
Due to increasing problems with litter louts and vandals we must ask anyone with relatives buried in the graveyard to do their best to keep them in order

Sign warning of quicksand:
Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council

Seen in a Coventry Factory:
Any member of staff who needs to take the day off to go to a funeral must warn the foreman on the morning of the match

Notice in a London park:
No walking, sitting or playing on the grass in this pleasure parK

Seen at an American undertaker's:
Oscar's Funeral Parlour - where you'll always find a smile

Found in a butcher's shop:
These scales are accurate no two weighs about it

Seen in a shop selling calculators and computers:
You can always count on us

In a cafe window:
Waitresses required for breakfast

Sign at a garden fete:
Baby show. All entries to be handed in at the gate

Outside a second-hand shop:
We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?

Outside a furniture shop:
Our motto: We promise you the lowest prices and workmanship

On a church door:
'This is the gate of Heaven. Enter Ye all by this door.' (This door is kept locked because of the draught. Please use side door.)

In an office:
After teabreak staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board

In the window of a dry cleaner's:
Same day dry cleaning - all garments ready in 48 hours

Outside a farm:
Horse manure: 50p per pre-packed bag, 20p do-it-yourself

In an office:
Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken

In an electrical shop:
Why smash your plates washing up? Let one of our dishwashers do it for you

Sign in a picture shop:
Let us put you in the picture and frame you

Outside a disco:
Smarts is the most exclusive disco in town. Everyone welcome

Notice in a pet shop:
Birds going cheep!

Seen outside a travel agency:
Why don't you go away?

Seen at the side of a Sussex road:
Slow cattle crossing. No overtaking for the next 100 yrs.

Sign on a farm gate:
Dogs found worrying will be shot

Outside a photographer's studio:
Out to lunch: if not back by five, out for dinner also

Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales:
The town hall is closed until opening. It will remain closed after being opened. Open tomorrow

Outside a farm:
Cattle please close gate

In a Chinese restaurant:
If you are satisfactory please tell your friends. If you are not satisfactory please tell the waiter

In a grocery shop:
Try our local butter. Nobody can touch it

Seen in an American department store at Christmas:
Visit Santa's grotto. No waiting - we're the only store in New York with three Santas

Seen in a watch shop:
Please wait patiently to be served. I only have two hands

Notice on Norfolk village shop:
Half-day closing all day Wednesday

Sign outside pet shop:
No dogs allowed

Notice in the window of a fabric shop:
Repairs and alterations done here. Dying arranged

Notice in a dry cleaner's window:
Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of

Spotted in a Blackpool guest house:
Hot and cold running in all rooms

Notice in Keighley restaurant:
From Monday our catering assistants will be pleased to serve customers to the vegetables

Sign in London pizza parlour:
Open 24 hours - except 2 a.m. - 8 a.m.

Sign in a tea shop:
Today's special. Pot of tea with stones and jam, 1.00

Spotted in a golf club:
Golfers please do not drink and drive

Seen in a college:
This week's lecture: Underwater Life by Peter Fish

Notice in hairdresser's window:
Stylist wanted. Good pay and fringe benefits

Notice in a field:
The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges

Sign at the tennis club:
Would spectators please be quiet during matches and let the players raise a racquet

Spotted at the railway station:
Passengers are asked not to cross the lines - it takes ages for us to uncross them again

Notice at the zoo:
Children found straying will be sent to the lion enclosure

Message on a leaflet:
If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons

Traffic sign:
Parking restricted to 60 minutes in any hour

Sign at Norfolk farm gate:
Beware! I shoot every tenth trespasser and the ninth one has just left

In a Laundromat in Australia:
Automatic washing machines.
Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out

In a dress shop window:
Don't stand outside and faint - come in and have a fit

Sign in a London department store:
Bargain basement upstairs

Sign in Egyptian hotel:
If you require room service, please open door and shout, `room service!'.

Sign outside a French cafe:
Persons are requested not to occupy seats in this cafe without consuming

Sign in a Japanese hotel:
Sports jackets may be worn but no trousers

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
Toilet out of order. Please use floor below

Sign in Swiss hotel:
Do you wish to change in Zurich? Do so at the hotel bank!

Sign in Italian hotel:
Do not adjust yor light hanger. If you wish more light see manager

Sign in Australian hotel:
In case of fire please do your utmost to alarm the hall porter

In a clothing store in America:
Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks

In a Burlington, Vermont men's store:
25 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!

On a shopping mall marquee:
Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced

In a Maine restaurant:
At your service:
Open 7 days a week and weekends.

On a radiator repair garage:
Best place to take a leak.

In the vestry of a Westminister church:
Will the last person to leave please see that the
perpetual light is extinguished.

Outside a country shop:
We buy junk and sell antiques.

In a Ohio cemetery:
Persons are prohibited from picking flowers
from any but their own graves

On a roller coaster:
Watch your head.

On the grounds of a public school:
No trespassing without permission

On a Tennessee highway:
When this sign is under water,
this road is impassable.

Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash:
If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car.

On a ski lift in Austria:
No jumping from the lift; Survivors will be prosecuted.

Outside a casino in America:
Children left unattended will be towed at parents expense.

In a health store in England:
Shoplifters will be beaten over the head with an organic carrot.

In a little country town in Australia:
2 signs on top of one another:
Restrooms
Please wait for hostess to seat you

Outside an Australian Motel:
Wanted: Room Maids
UNDER NEW MANAGER!

In a Czech's Tourist Agency:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours...
We guarantee no mis carriages

Advert for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?

On a Swiss mountain inn menu:
Special Today....No Icecream

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions



In a New York restaurant:
Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager

In a Paris hotel:
Please leave your values at the front desk

In an Oregon general store:
Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?

In a Tokyo laundry room:
Do not put wet clothes in dryers, as this can cause irreparable damage



In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common,
but you'll find they are best in the long run

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar

In a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food,
give it to the guard on duty

In a Roman doctor's office:
Specialist in women and other diseases

In an Acapulco hotel:
Manager has personally passed all the water served here

In a car rental in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn.
Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage,
then tootle him with vigor

A few thousand of my own!