Shakespeares Kingdom of Heaven Script

**AtorianPaladin** · 05-24-2005, 02:27

Shakespeare’s version of Kingdom of Heaven, during the siege of Jerusalem.

*Know that as this is happening, it is a raging battle, but yet the characters have time for very very long lines, because obviously the rules of time and relativity don’t apply.

Lord Balian: Here I stand, on the walls of this holy city, awaiting the mighty foes to disembark from there foul siege towers. Hear me Saladin! We will defend this citadel to the last, and never shall so many owe so much to so few!

Soldier: Lo! What infidels from yonder tower disembark! Let us prepare our manly readiness, for we shall match steel with these women born heathens!

Lord Balian: Ay, prepare ourselves, and ready the bottles of Naptha that have been issued ye. Know ye mighty warriors, it says in the footnote that Naptha is a substance of benzene and coal dust, which goes boom! Hold out ye’r Naptha and prepare to cast it forth when the drawbridges drop.

Soldier: Wait my lord, how long must we wait before we cast the bottles forth?

Lord Balian: Know this all! Ye must wait exactly three seconds before throwing the Naptha forth, no more, no less, not two, not four, but three. Prepare your mighty arms for throwing, the drawbridges drop! Cast your vile liquids at the enemy, but hurry, because my lines take a lot of time!

Soldier: Lord Balian, be on thy guard! A most vile infidel approaches ye! He will skewer ye on his scimitar if you are not careful! Oh Snap! He just did, sorry!

Soldier 2: Why couldnt you have just said heads up! Gosh Idiot!

Lord Balian: I look in the eyes of my foe, and he looks in mine. I shall say as I gasp for air: Et tu Mohammed? Ohh, I am dieing, the blade must be wedged deep in my spinal column, yet I can still deliver my soliloquy. Deliver it I must, but lo! I am falling from the wall, Oww! I have fallen, and driven the blade deeper into me. I feel the blood gushing forth from me, and know the end is near. AHHHHH! I AM DIED!

**Uesugi Kenshin** · 05-24-2005, 03:05

I think Willy would be proud!

**Brutus** · 05-24-2005, 09:19

Methinks, this makes Hamlet look like Sesame Street! What drama!

By the way, am I right in detecting some hints of Monty Python and Winston Churchill in this story?

**King Henry V** · 05-24-2005, 15:15

Thy skript be funny for certes, yet thou hath forgotten the Iambic Pentameter!
Welcome to the Org!

**AtorianPaladin** · 05-24-2005, 20:02

Pantameters! Pantameters! We don't need no stinking pantameters!

**Uesugi Kenshin** · 05-24-2005, 21:26

Yes I believe it has a pinch of Python and perhaps a smidgeon of Churchill.

You should post this in the Mead Hall, I am sure it would be well recieved and added to the collection of random writings.