Daddy's Dating Rules

[Goofball]

From my email inbox:

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early"

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

You have a daughter, don't you Dave? I don't know why, but this made me think of you...

[King Henry V]

Hahahahahaha, very funny. I could just imagine Robert de Niro saying that. Did you get it from Big-Boys.com

[zelda12]

[ah_dut]

Dave? sending threatening emails are you now?

where do I sign up?

[Beirut]

Being the principle guardian of the safety of my sweetie's seven and nine year old daughters, I am going to have the opportunity to nail that wonderful list of rules to the forehead of the first boy that shows up at my door.

My God, it's going to be fun.

[Big King Sanctaphrax]

Being the principle guardian of the safety of my sweetie's seven and nine year old daughters, I am going to have the opportunity to nail that wonderful list of rules to the forehead of the first boy that shows up at my door.

My God, it's going to be fun.

But, you like the women, right Beirut? So wouldn't you find yourself empathising with the poor lad a bit too much? I mean, he just wants what you want.

[Dutch_guy]

the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house.
If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me

[Byzantine Prince]

This whole datingt hing is a bit to much as it is, do we really need the parents involved and armed to the teeth?

Can't we all get along without stereotyping? I seriously doubt most teenagers are wild rapists that are up to no good.

[Big King Sanctaphrax]

I seriously doubt most teenagers are wild rapists that are up to no good.

So it's just you then?

[Byzantine Prince]

Nah, I'm too shy for any of that.

[Beirut]

But, you like the women, right Beirut? So wouldn't you find yourself empathising with the poor lad a bit too much? I mean, he just wants what you want.

I empathize with the poor lad completely. He can break all the hearts he wants.

But if he does it at my house...



(And I know how to tie it the right way.)

[ah_dut]

I empathize with the poor lad completely. He can break all the hearts he wants.

But if he does it at my house...



(And I know how to tie it the right way.)

So beirut, where do I sign up to break your daughter's heart

[The Wizard]

Being the principle guardian of the safety of my sweetie's seven and nine year old daughters, I am going to have the opportunity to nail that wonderful list of rules to the forehead of the first boy that shows up at my door.

My God, it's going to be fun.

*decides he won't go to Quebec for the next twenty years*

[GoreBag]

Nah, I'm too shy for any of that.

Wussy!

[SwordsMaster]

LoL I like your spirit Beirut. And some shooting practice is always welcome....

Give him a chance to run. Its not so fun when its a static target. Optionally, try to hit him throwing trees as the scots do. Now if you go for this latter option, could you record it and upload it?

[Evil_Maniac From Mars]

*decides he won't go to Quebec for the next twenty years*

*decides not to go to Quebec EVER again*

[ichi]

shot and buried they are no longer a problem, but wounded and able to tell the others why and how, that's just free advertising

ichi

[Mouzafphaerre]

*decides not to go to Quebec EVER again*

.
*packs for Quebec*
.

[Suraknar]

*contemplates the fact that he does live in Quebec as well*

Santé!

[Togakure]

My goddaughter, her father and I played a joke on one of her dates (she's only 14 so it was a pretty "lite" date). She told him that it was really important to make a good impression on her dad, to introduce himself and be polite, etc. When he came over, I answered the door. He immediately smiled, shook my hand, and started jabbering away in a most friendly manner--assuming I was her dad. Sammy played along, having a tough time keeping from busting up laughing. I went along with it, not talking very much, and I neither glowered nor smiled.

Finally he was feeling comfortable and he turned to Sammy and said, "I thought you said your dad was on the heavy side ... he's not fat at all!" I'm about 5'8", 155 pounds. At this point, Sammy's dad came up behind him and tapped him on the shoulder.

Do you all remember William Wallace's buddy Hamish in the movie "Braveheart?" Well, my bro Larry looks almost exactly like him--6'2", 300 pounds, and a 16-year retired veteran of the US Special Forces and Reserve National Guard (Panama, Grenada, Desert Shield, Desert Storm, et. al). He's a giant teddy bear, but if you don't know him he can be extremely intimidating.

Larry said in a low growl of a voice, "So ... do you think I'm fat??!!" In actuality Larry is quite fat these days. I thought the poor kid was going to wet himself. Honey lips from the previous moment turned to quivering jello, and the confident, almost cocky voice dwindled to a stammer. Fortunately Larry is a sensitive fellow, and broke into a huge grin and extended his hand just before I think the kid was going to break and run. Sammy and I burst out laughing. It took Mr. Date (I can't remember his name) a few seconds to realize we'd been messin' with him, but he took it in stride despite turning a deep shade of crimson.

All Larry had to say before they left was: "You're going to keep my daughter safe and have her home on time, correct?" One would have thought Mr. Date had just been given a top secret mission critical to national security. He looked Larry in the eye and replied most severely, "You can count on it sir." At least he didn't salute. He kept his word.

[Mouzafphaerre]

.

.

[English assassin]

Now Toga, that IS funny. 6'2" 300 pounds and long time forces veteran, nooooo, that is someone with whose daughter you do NOT mess.

[Beirut]

So beirut, where do I sign up to break your daughter's heart

Just sign at the bottom of the page, right beside where it says "Organ Donor".

[Drisos]

Why, oh why are some fathers so idiot about a date of their daughter?

I mean: threathening a girl's boyfriend before he has done one thing wrong is quite insane. In fact: I think it would be much worse for a girl if her father killed her boyfriend.

If I was a girl (nooooo, ) I'd move out of my fathers house if he did this.


The girl I like most has nice parents, they like and don't have shotguns.

[Beirut]

Why, oh why are some fathers so idiot about a date of their daughter?

I mean: threathening a girl's boyfriend before he has done one thing wrong is quite insane. In fact: I think it would be much worse for a girl if her father killed her boyfriend.

No it wouldn't.

The reason we menfolk think it's a good idea to threaten the boyfriend in advance is to at least try to impart some discipline upon his most undisciplned lower half. Because a fifteen or sixteen year-old horny toad will be all too ready and willing to forget the complications inherent in unprotected sexual activity. Thos being pregnancy, STDs, and my boot accelerating up his ass. Therefore, in the best interests of all, he get's fair warning. "You pull a Pearl Harbor on my little sweetie, and Hiroshima will follow upon you as sure as night follows day."

The girl I like most has nice parents, they like and don't have shotguns.

Yes he does. I sold it to him.

[English assassin]

Lets face it, 15-16 year old boys have one huge disadvantage negotiating with fathers, namely, that we ourselves have been 15-16 year old boys.

[Drisos]

Still not quite convinced . . . .

Because ALL??? sixteen year-old horny toad will be all too ready and willing to forget the complications inherent in unprotected sexual activity.

Sorry for messing up the quote, but did you mean this with it?
Where I live, only about 25% of the 15, 16 boys is like this. I'm 16 now too and don't plan to have sex in the following 2 years.

I think it's a different story in US then in the netherlands, then.
But not all boys are like that in US, that cannot be.

Also, I'd consider murder worse than sex, actually. Unless the girl didn't want it. In case the girl agreed there nothing to blaim the boy. The girl is as responsible as the boy for her sexual actions.

[Beirut]

Still not quite convinced . . . .

You don't need to be. He does.

Sorry for messing up the quote, but did you mean this with it?
Where I live, only about 25% of the 15, 16 boys is like this. I'm 16 now too and don't plan to have sex in the following 2 years.

You are abviously a well meaning and civilized young man. A rare and most welcome aberation.

Also, I'd consider murder worse than sex, actually. Unless the girl didn't want it. In case the girl agreed there nothing to blaim the boy. The girl is as responsible as the boy for her sexual actions.

They are both irresponsible and it's my job to keep their irresponsibiltiy curtailed until the last possible moment. Preferably until she's thirty or so.

[The Wizard]

No it wouldn't.

The reason we menfolk think it's a good idea to threaten the boyfriend in advance is to at least try to impart some discipline upon his most undisciplned lower half. Because a fifteen or sixteen year-old horny toad will be all too ready and willing to forget the complications inherent in unprotected sexual activity. Thos being pregnancy, STDs, and my boot accelerating up his ass. Therefore, in the best interests of all, he get's fair warning. "You pull a Pearl Harbor on my little sweetie, and Hiroshima will follow upon you as sure as night follows day."

You, sir, are surprisingly redneck-like for your Canadian place of living. Fancy moving to Texas?

But, oh well, daddy doesn't want his little girl growing up too fast. First she's playing with dolls, next thing she's playing with things a whole world away, a world daddy doesn't wanna consider in this lifetime or the next.

But, who am I? Ah yes, some Dutch schmuck living in the country where they execute imperfect babies and where sodomy is the order of the day. I mean, I love America and all, but you guys really are too protective. Which is the problem: curiosity killed the cat. Or in this case, the cat's curiosity killed the boy



~Wiz

[Blodrast]

Lets face it, 15-16 year old boys have one huge disadvantage negotiating with fathers, namely, that we ourselves have been 15-16 year old boys.

precisely. All fathers know what they can expect from teenage boys, because they've been there themselves. It's pointless to try and convince me otherwise, when I know that I was feeling just the same ("horny toad" was indeed an adequate metaphor) and I had the exact same intentions that they have... been there, done that.

Hope I have boys.