Defensive is not self defeating.
The main problem in MTW and RTW with defensive is money. It isn't army size, tactics of anything like that it's simply money. The reason being that war always does and always will make money (at least in games) whereas peace, and especially having an army in peacetime, costs an awfull lot.
If you manage your finances well and have enough time to build up (half an hour in RTS's, at least 20 years in TW games) without having to fund a large army then it is easy to fight off the aggressive player as your defenses, troops and land will be far more advanced than his, and you have the hugely under-rater advantage of choosing the batlefield.
Slash and burn or other aggressive strategies work well early on and give you a great lead, but before long your pitting your thousands strong low-tech army against a few hundred elite troops behind well-fortified walls, and no matter how many hastati/militia ect you throw at them, those darn walls won't come down.
Then again, you can always sap, but I consider that almost cheating.
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