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Thread: The war for freedom

  1. #1
    [Insertwittytitlehere] Member Copperhaired Berserker!'s Avatar
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    Default The war for freedom

    Part 1: A beautiful sunset

    I lay on the ground after I'd finished my picnic. Man, the scene was beautful. Life was perfect. I had a nice cold drink of water and a apple in my hand. The sunset was looking lovely. I could see the top half of the sun as it lowered down. I could hear the birds chirping in the distance flying high in the sky. The sun had layers of colours getting darker and darker by every layer. Beautiful. Just like my wife Miranda who was lying beside me. She looked like a angel and acted like a angel. She had a cup of soda and a banana. The ground was full of moisture. I could see small houses in the distance. Lovely. No wonder it was so lovely. The war of 2050 had finished. I was Cpt. Harry Sullivan. The war lasted for ten years. I had quited the army to settle down with my sweet Miranda. Thank the Lord that the new army rules allowed me to leave the army. I relaxed and went to sleep.
    After a few minutes Miranda did too.

    Please comment.
    Last edited by Copperhaired Berserker!; 06-22-2005 at 22:35.



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  2. #2
    Shadow Senior Member Kagemusha's Avatar
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    Default Re: The war for freedom

    So you are going to the future with this one.Sounds intresting.
    Ja Mata Tosainu Sama.

  3. #3
    [Insertwittytitlehere] Member Copperhaired Berserker!'s Avatar
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    Default Re: The war for freedom

    Part 2: The big incident

    Ah, that last night was beautiful. My wife thought so too. But what happened next was terrible. Miranda was walking in, crying. "What is it, darling?" I said nervously. " Sob... I.. saw my mum on... telly... and..oh sob..sob.. I saw her get..... killed!" Miranda cried. Her voice was squeaky at the end of her sentence. I threw my hands around her and patted her back saying,"There...There..." I felt terrible. When I met her mum she was very old, and she was so kind-hearted... And was a excellent cook. Once she was so kind as to give me a half of a HUGE apple pie and it was so deilcious.... I felt like I was tasting Heaven! Brilllant women she was who should have never died. I went into the lounge and sat down. The room had a large telly, two lamps, three chairs, one sofa and a cupboard. There is much more in the lounge, but I won't bore you with the details. I sat on our black leather sofa, still thinking about Miranda's mum. I got the remote control (I usally called the remote a "doover!") and switched on the TV. I switched over to BBC new 24 and looked at the breaking news. It was about Miranda's mum. Miranda ran out the room, crying. The news said that a Yuro-Vatz 392 (Yuro-Vatz 392 is a war machine that was like the "tanks" that the aliens used in War of the Worlds except that it used bullets instead of lasers and doesn't have legs like huge stilts.) had walked into Miranda's mum's house and destroyed it almost completely. The house was a terrible mess. Miranda's mum must have been petrified! Because this was a war machine, and it was a eastern machine, it was obvious to the British army that almost all the east was decideing to invade Europe! I think the Eastern army is killing a couple of people to start the war and.... maybe it's a diversion or something? I don't know. Anyway I thought,"I'd better join the army and kill these sad little gits that killed Miranda's mum!" After a lengthy discussion Miranda agreed to let me join the army.
    Looks like the Easterns have a lot of surprises for us, especially having those types of machines in their hands. Wait a second, Why Miranda's mum? Why did she get targeted first. I think the Easterns are invading us. And the attack on my wife's mum..... I suppose that was a kind of warning shot, telling our country,"We're getting you!"

    Please comment.
    Last edited by Copperhaired Berserker!; 07-22-2005 at 12:59.



    If I was smart, I would have a witty punchline in this sig that would make everyone ROTFL.

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  4. #4
    [Insertwittytitlehere] Member Copperhaired Berserker!'s Avatar
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    Default Re: The war for freedom

    Part 3: Things will change...

    Miranda was at the door, waving to me goodbye. Yes, you know, I'll be away from her for.... I don't know.... six months or six years? Well, I'll stop thinking about that and get into the hovercab and get to the airport. I'll be missing her. "Where you're going, big guy?" said the cabbie. He had a rough voice and he smoked a cybercigar. Cybercigers?!?! How the hell did he get them? "Err... going to Hamiltony in South Darthashire. Joining the army, got my stuff here, y'know?" I said. Yeah, these names of the streets are like the names from fifty years ago, but they have changed into the names we have today. The taxi was very smelly and dusty. How do people breath in here? " At the airport now, bud! Where's me money!" said the cabbie. I got my wallet and took out some notes and counted them. I gave the guy 20 zuros(Yes, the money is also changed.) and got out the cab. I could see airplanes taken of at 5000 MPH or even 10000 MPH! A cloud of velcro covered the HUGE airport. Now I walked up the of stairs to the door. A camera popped out a gap at the top of the door and a red light, like the light given off a scanner when the till attendant gets that little machine out and scans the numbers on the bottom of pack, went up and down me. he was scanning me for weapons or anything dangerous or illegal. I put my hands up while the camera scanned me. Then a voice from a machine said, "Acsess granted." Then I walked in. The line for the plane was empty. Oh jammy me! Sometimes people have to wait for a WEEK to get to the
    checkout area. I did the proceddure and then I got to the plane. I only was in the plane for half an hour before we got to our destination.
    Last edited by Copperhaired Berserker!; 06-22-2005 at 20:36.



    If I was smart, I would have a witty punchline in this sig that would make everyone ROTFL.

    I'm not smart.

  5. #5
    [Insertwittytitlehere] Member Copperhaired Berserker!'s Avatar
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    Default Re: The war for freedom

    Please comment.



    If I was smart, I would have a witty punchline in this sig that would make everyone ROTFL.

    I'm not smart.

  6. #6
    [Insertwittytitlehere] Member Copperhaired Berserker!'s Avatar
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    Default Re: The war for freedom

    Monk, please comment, i need your story wisdom



    If I was smart, I would have a witty punchline in this sig that would make everyone ROTFL.

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  7. #7
    The Abominable Senior Member Hexxagon Champion Monk's Avatar
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    Default Re: The war for freedom

    So exactly what is the plot here?

    A man's wife's mother is killed by a highly advanced military robot so he decides to go off to war to fight the robots? Well, why was his wife's mother targeted? Was she really important enough to be killed when there's plenty of other cantidates? What i'm getting at is you're unclear in the very situations you're trying to describe. I'd figured he was in the service as you introduce him as a captain.
    Last edited by Monk; 06-22-2005 at 22:30.

  8. #8
    [Insertwittytitlehere] Member Copperhaired Berserker!'s Avatar
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    Default Re: The war for freedom

    No, the man quitted the army after the 2050 war ended so he could settle down with his wife. i'll get some stuff in there to make it a bit more clear.



    If I was smart, I would have a witty punchline in this sig that would make everyone ROTFL.

    I'm not smart.

  9. #9
    The Abominable Senior Member Hexxagon Champion Monk's Avatar
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    Default Re: The war for freedom

    Quote Originally Posted by Berserker!
    No, the man quitted the army after the 2050 war ended so he could settle down with his wife. i'll get some stuff in there to make it a bit more clear.
    Well since you introduce him as Captain, and today you're not allowed to just quit the army (unless you go AWOL); I as the reader had to make an assumption that he was still in service. I've said this to a few patrons, the readers won't know something unless you tell them. So try not to leave anything out, even if a single detail seems obvious to you, it's only obvious because you are the writer.

  10. #10
    [Insertwittytitlehere] Member Copperhaired Berserker!'s Avatar
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    Default Re: The war for freedom

    More detail is in.



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  11. #11
    [Insertwittytitlehere] Member Copperhaired Berserker!'s Avatar
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    Default Re: The war for freedom

    Part 4: I'm in the army, after being sick on the plane 20 times.......

    Now I'm at my destination, and some guards are escorting me to my training area. Yep, My fourm and that stuff had been finished with. I was at my place to be trained. Yeah, I was already trained when I was a captain in the 2050 war. But no one noticed that. I stood in a sideways line with all the other guys, facing a line facing us. A instructor came in. He had short black hair, and was white. "Now, you maggots! Listen up! I be training you for the next two weeks or so. By the looks of you it looks like I have to train you for two YEARS! I am so unlucky to have a ugly lot like you! Now you'll lis-" he said. I interupted him by saying," Och, shut up! Just train us, you idiotic chatterbox!" The instructor whirled around and he faced me." And who do you think you are, laser brain?" I held up a blue cross with dignity,grinning. " I am Captain Harry Sullivan." The instructor's mouth was wide open. "Well, uh, you can skip training now." A black man stepped out. " I should skip training, as I am Corp. Jerry Thomson." I know that name! " Jerry?" I said. " Harry?" we stepped out and exhanged Hi-5s. " How you doing bud?" Jerry cried. " Absouloutly fine!" I said!

    Please comment.



    If I was smart, I would have a witty punchline in this sig that would make everyone ROTFL.

    I'm not smart.

  12. #12
    [Insertwittytitlehere] Member Copperhaired Berserker!'s Avatar
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    Default Re: The war for freedom

    Part 5:My first(in a way....) mission

    I was escorted to the briefing room for my first mission. I was told that a oilfield in the Indus was up for grabs, as a big army that was defending it had gone away, and what a chance for getting that oilfield. I was in the division that was taking the oilfield, and a big army would defend it once we caught the field. Russians were helping the Easterns fight us. But they would not be much help, as the Russians had suffered a terrible disaster in their biggest part of their land.
    Anyway, We had packed up with a M99s gun and a bunch of bombs, if the army defending it origanally had come back, as we wouldn't stand a chance against them. So the oilfield would have to be destroyed so the Easterns would not have their oil back. I went on my ride to the area. and yes, it was a aeroplane....



    If I was smart, I would have a witty punchline in this sig that would make everyone ROTFL.

    I'm not smart.

  13. #13
    [Insertwittytitlehere] Member Copperhaired Berserker!'s Avatar
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    Default Re: The war for freedom

    Part 6: Oil spoils...

    I'm on a helicopter with Jerry and two more soldiers, called Frank and Lenny. We had a bunch of U2 cds on, and Zoo station. was on now. We're were singing along to the music."Zoo station!......." we sang. Then The Fly went on. "Like a fly on a wall, it's no secret at all..." we sang again. "We're at our place boys! C'mon, haven't got all day!" The pilot shouted. A metal pole slided out of the door and pointed down to the ground. We slid down and had our stuff checked. Everything was fine. We walked over to the Oilfield with our heavy equipment."Zoo pawn, at our area, over." I said into our transmitter."Good, remember, even though the army's went away, expect heavy resistance. Over." said a officer on the radio." Yes sir, over and out." I said. "Man, the heat! Wonder why we had this stuff."said Frank. "You don't know what I've been through, bud," I said. " I had to go though the Sahara!" We talked as we went to the entrance. We planted some bombs and ran, as the door was locked. A deafening roar screamed as a great flame rised. "Get in!" We ran in and then a shot was heard. We ducked, except from Lenny. The bullet went clean through his head and he fell, lifeless. "Lenny!" cried Frank. I took out my rifle swiftly and aimed at a masked head. I pulled the trigger. The muzzle lit up as a bullet flied through it. And I shot the Eastern on the head. The eastern slid down the wall, leaving a trail of blood behind it." Great! If there's more men, They're coming for sure!" Jerry cried.

    Please comment.



    If I was smart, I would have a witty punchline in this sig that would make everyone ROTFL.

    I'm not smart.

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