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Thread: Confessions of a mad man...

  1. #1
    Lesbian Rebel Member Mikeus Caesar's Avatar
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    Default Confessions of a mad man...

    Many of you here probably know me as the happy, slightly psychopathic person who likes to have a laugh and basically have fun, but there is another side to me, a side that you don't know, and that i need help with. I suffer from hideous depression. I feel as if there is no point going on, and continually slash my arms with blades. I've even tried commiting suicide once, and i just can't take it anymore. Heh, look on the bright side though, if i choose to die, i probably won't die alone, as my Girlfriend is suicidal too, so we'd probably arrange a suicide pact. Some nights, i just sit in the dark, with drips of blood running down my arm, wondering why i bother going on with life. So, i was wondering, what the hell should i do? I refuse to see a psychiatrist, as my belief is that they'll tear my life even more apart. Please help...

    PS Mods, if you feel this is inappropiate, feel free to close it.
    Quote Originally Posted by Ranika
    I'm being assailed by a mental midget of ironically epic proportions. Quick as frozen molasses, this one. Sharp as a melted marble. It's disturbing. I've had conversations with a braying mule with more coherence.


  2. #2
    Ambiguous Member Byzantine Prince's Avatar
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    Default Re: Confessions of a mad man...

    I think you might suffer from a severe case of incompetence.

    Keep it up man.

  3. #3
    Lesbian Rebel Member Mikeus Caesar's Avatar
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    Default Re: Confessions of a mad man...

    If you're accusing me of being an attention seeker, go ahead. That's all anyone ever does. But why would i be seeking attention? I hate attention. All i want is someone to give me a miracle cure, so i can just leave all this horribleness behind...
    Quote Originally Posted by Ranika
    I'm being assailed by a mental midget of ironically epic proportions. Quick as frozen molasses, this one. Sharp as a melted marble. It's disturbing. I've had conversations with a braying mule with more coherence.


  4. #4
    Ambiguous Member Byzantine Prince's Avatar
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    Default Re: Confessions of a mad man...

    HAHA, go out into the world, have sex with your girlfriend, sit in the sun, awtch some porn, do some weed, and start living.

    Life is 100 times too short to be suicidal.

  5. #5
    The Orgs Prophet of RATM Member IrishMike's Avatar
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    Default Re: Confessions of a mad man...

    I don't think your an attention seeker. But there is no miracle cure, just one long long road before you. First off if you haven't found something to look forward to every day when you wake up, I would if I were you. It helps drastically with depression. No matter what it gives you something to live for.
    When ignorance reigns life is lost.

    War is norm, Fight the War, Screw the norm!

  6. #6
    Senior member Senior Member Dutch_guy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Confessions of a mad man...

    well what you can try to do is just talk about how you feel with your parents, talking about problems is way better than just keepin them in.
    you can even try talking about it with your gf, who obviously feels the same way about life as you do.
    Also why do you and your gf want to kill yourself , you are probably not even 18 yet ( just guessin here ) you haven't even seen a lot of the world yet, how can you know there is nothing worth living for?
    Depressions pas, they always do - the good always outbalances the bad , you just tend to think about the bad more

    Also seeing a shrink or something like that ( maybe even with your gf ) might be a good thing, just try it once - if it doesn't feel good then don't do it anymore.

    hope that helps,

    I'm an athiest. I get offended everytime I see a cold, empty room. - MRD


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    Clan Clan InsaneApache's Avatar
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    Default Re: Confessions of a mad man...

    Listen...and listen good ...you are a long time dead.....so revel in life, no matter how bad it seems, ...it is life. Anything else in your head is just phuwey.

    Above all,never, and I mean never,fall for the shit the religionist call an afterlife.....this is it man ....go celebrate and love.

    BTW I'm 45 yo how old r u?
    There are times I wish they’d just ban everything- baccy and beer, burgers and bangers, and all the rest- once and for all. Instead, they creep forward one apparently tiny step at a time. It’s like being executed with a bacon slicer.

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    Senior Member Senior Member Tricky Lady's Avatar
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    Default Re: Confessions of a mad man...

    Well, I agree with what's been said by Dutch_Guy, InsaneApache and ColdKnight: life offers just too much to give it up (that early, because IIRC you're still pretty young, aren't you?).
    Do you know where those "dark thoughts" come from? School? Relation with parents? I suggest you find someone you can talk to (not necessarily a pro like a psychiater, but a good friend for instance). I have suffered from a depression too, and I am so happy that I have a couple of good friends who talked me through it. Just try to see the positive sides again. Start small (sun shines? people smiling?) and you'll get there in the end.
    But finding someone to talk to is very important imho.

    Or just keep on posting here if that helps. There will be plenty of people with good advice dropping by.

    PS. Just noticed: 7 views & 6 posts

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    Tree Killer Senior Member Beirut's Avatar
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    Default Re: Confessions of a mad man...

    At least rejoice that no matter how bad off you think you might be, you're not even close to being as abysmally deficient in manners and personality as some who post on this forum. Or even this thread.

    One day at a time my brother. Always know that you don't need to do it today because you can always do it tomorrow. That gives you one more day of reflection and thought. One more day to find an excuse to keep going. One more day where you have beat the dark cloud that follows you around.

    Find comfort in something, anything, and draw your strength from it. Be it music, a cup of coffee, the ability to sit and think for a minute, anything at all. You can find strength to outwit the beast of depression in some very odd places. Sometimes, you can even find the strength in the beast itself. The feeling that keeps you sitting alone, thinking, is a powerful one. And it is yours. Your ability to reflect and think is both your worst enemy and your best line of defence. You need to learn to harness it and control it. In the end you will own your depression as opposed to it owning you. Slim satisfaction perhaps, but it's a one step at a time process.

    You can always try the pill route, some people do very well with it. others simply need a horrendous kick in the ass and change of lifestyle. The problem is that when you are so down you have neither the energy or inclination to do the things that will help, but if you are to survive you are going to need to find that energy somewhere.

    It never goes away, but it can be handled and even laughed at. If you keep in mind that you are your own worst enemy, then you must also accept that you are your own best friend.

    This is a battle for your life and you must at least have the courage of your convictions. If you really want to end things then that's that. It's your choice. But if you have any doubt whatsoever, then you have the responsibility to your own peace of mind to fight as best you can and use your brains and any tool you can to overcome the problem. There are people who will help if you let them. What have you got to lose? Your self respect? In the position you are in your self respect needs a kick in the ass either from others or from yourself, don't use your present frame of mind as a basis for decision. Better it then use it.

    Give yourself time. things will change. find the patience to wait and find the strength to just relax. hell, get a bag of chips and watch some Monty Python. Do anything that will change your mood even by 1%. Those 1% add up.

    And always, always ignore the doofuses who tell you that you're just lazy or incompetent. They prove their outstanding ignorance every time they speak.
    Last edited by Beirut; 06-29-2005 at 22:12.
    Unto each good man a good dog

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    Shadow Senior Member Kagemusha's Avatar
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    Default Re: Confessions of a mad man...

    Mikeus-san.I have one advice that have helped me when ive been depressed myself.If its possible travel.Break off from your every day routiness.Go do things you havent experiensed yet and see places you havent seen before.After a while coming back to your old routines can be even a relief.Death is not an answer ,Death is Death.
    Ja Mata Tosainu Sama.

  11. #11
    Ambiguous Member Byzantine Prince's Avatar
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    Default Re: Confessions of a mad man...

    Being depressed is just caused by chemicals; it's fake! It's an illusion. The sooner you realize this the more you'll see how life is great.

    Again I refer you to my second post, because I think I made a great point(if I might say so )

    =Byzantine Prince
    HAHA, go out into the world, have sex with your girlfriend, sit in the sun, awtch some porn, do some weed, and start living.

    Life is 100 times too short to be suicidal.


    Sorry for my rude initial post, that's just the kind of great guy I can be sometimes.

  12. #12
    Member Member ah_dut's Avatar
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    Default Re: Confessions of a mad man...

    My best piece of advice is to focus on your passions if you don't have one, find it.

    I mean I was fairly messed up (still am) but you know what I found? weightlifting and Pink Floyd, hell they even go together. Most of my rugby team friends lift weights and I go with them, it's fun, social and well we all get stronger (apart from the odd eejit who overtrains like there's no tommorow) and better looking. Trust me though, if you don't like weights after a few sessions it probably isn't for you. Never get pressured into doing something like weights or rugby...thaty's just silly.

    Brighten up, at least you have a girlfriend unlike me...my ex is attempting to knock my block off, let's just leave it at that...laughs

  13. #13

    Default Re: Confessions of a mad man...

    Quote Originally Posted by Beirut
    At least rejoice that no matter how bad off you think you might be, you're not even close to being as abysmally deficient in manners and personality as some who post on this forum. Or even this thread.

    One day at a time my brother. Always know that you don't need to do it today because you can always do it tomorrow. That gives you one more day of reflection and thought. One more day to find an excuse to keep going. One more day where you have beat the dark cloud that follows you around.

    Find comfort in something, anything, and draw your strength from it. Be it music, a cup of coffee, the ability to sit and think for a minute, anything at all. You can find strength to outwit the beast of depression in some very odd places. Sometimes, you can even find the strength in the beast itself. The feeling that keeps you sitting alone, thinking, is a powerful one. And it is yours. Your ability to reflect and think is both your worst enemy and your best line of defence. You need to learn to harness it and control it. In the end you will own your depression as opposed to it owning you. Slim satisfaction perhaps, but it's a one step at a time process.

    You can always try the pill route, some people do very well with it. others simply need a horrendous kick in the ass and change of lifestyle. The problem is that when you are so down you have neither the energy or inclination to do the things that will help, but if you are to survive you are going to need to find that energy somewhere.

    It never goes away, but it can be handled and even laughed at. If you keep in mind that you are your own worst enemy, then you must also accept that you are your own best friend.

    This is a battle for your life and you must at least have the courage of your convictions. If you really want to end things then that's that. It's your choice. But if you have any doubt whatsoever, then you have the responsibility to your own peace of mind to fight as best you can and use your brains and any tool you can to overcome the problem. There are people who will help if you let them. What have you got to lose? Your self respect? In the position you are in your self respect needs a kick in the ass either from others or from yourself, don't use your present frame of mind as a basis for decision. Better it then use it.

    Give yourself time. things will change. find the patience to wait and find the strength to just relax. hell, get a bag of chips and watch some Monty Python. Do anything that will change your mood even by 1%. Those 1% add up.

    And always, always ignore the doofuses who tell you that you're just lazy or incompetent. They prove their outstanding ignorance every time they speak.
    Having also gone through depression (not chemical, reactionary), i can honestly say this is the best piece of advice suggested thus far. I would add to it, but i can't. I really hope you consider Beirut's words.

    Being depressed is just caused by chemicals; it's fake! It's an illusion. The sooner you realize this the more you'll see how life is great.
    That's fairly short sighted.
    Firstly, if it is 'only' caused by chemicals, surely there is nothing he can do at all to stop it, as the chemicals would prevent it.
    Secondly, there is also a reactionary form of depression in which events and memories cause you to feel like that. It's unfair to write something off as 'an illusion' when it isn't.
    "Strangers passing in the street, by chance two separate glances meet, and i am you and what i see is me"

  14. #14

    Default Re: Confessions of a mad man...

    I was on the point of suicide last year, but I'm still here. Just keep your head up high - things do get better!

  15. #15
    Medical Welshman in London. Senior Member Big King Sanctaphrax's Avatar
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    Default Re: Confessions of a mad man...

    I would reconsider the psychiatry thing if I were you Mikeus. It's a disease-like any other-and to get well, you will need medical help. If your depression if chemical, then some of the mood-altering drugs available can really help.
    Co-Lord of BKS and Beirut's Kingdom of Peace and Love.

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    Member Member HunkinElvis's Avatar
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    Default Re: Confessions of a mad man...

    Travelling and listening to music can help. Remember that you have a girlfriend and you care for each other. You should cherish that. Look at the bright side of life.
    I can tell from the replies above that there are people who worry for you.
    Last edited by HunkinElvis; 06-30-2005 at 03:31.
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    Vermonter and Seperatist Member Uesugi Kenshin's Avatar
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    Default Re: Confessions of a mad man...

    Mikeus even if you cannot bring yourself to see a professional try talking to someone. Whatever you do don't cut yourself or attempt suicide. It is just a waste and will perpetuate your depression. If you can just keep yourself alive, find something or someone to live for and maybe even eventually see a pr. You will find that no matter how bad life is it is still worth it. Relish life, you only get one chance and then you are done. Eventually things will improve, they always do.

    Don't welcome death, it has nothing to offer you. You should instead welcome life and relish all its joys and sorrows.
    "A man's dying is more his survivor's affair than his own."
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    Minion of Zoltan Member Roark's Avatar
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    Default Re: Confessions of a mad man...

    Quote Originally Posted by Mikeus Caesar
    All i want is someone to give me a miracle cure, so i can just leave all this horribleness behind...
    Wouldn't that be fantastic... This is all I wanted when I was punching smack up my arm. 7 years later I still occasionally crave it, but I'm in a much safer "zone" mentally. Most things that are really worthwhile in life take hard work, but the rewards speak for themselves.

    Despite InsaneApache's axe-grinding, I think that spirituality can play an important and positive role in a man's life.

    There's some very good advice above. If I were you, I would take advantage of everything and anything you have at your disposal to combat this affliction. Medicine, counselling, prayer, music... ANYTHING. Try to avoid unnecessary influences which tend to worsen your condition, and you'll be giving yourself a head start.

    Take care mate.

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    Clan Takiyama Senior Member CBR's Avatar
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    Default Re: Confessions of a mad man...

    Quote Originally Posted by Mikeus Caesar
    I refuse to see a psychiatrist, as my belief is that they'll tear my life even more apart. Please help...
    I'd strongly advice you to get some help ASAP. The longer you live with an untreated depression the more it damages the brain and makes it worse and/or more likely to get another depression later on.

    Mental illness is something that is generally not talked about and hidden away as its a big taboo for most people but that should not stop you from seeking help. You might feel its not worth it or be afraid of what it will bring but help is what you need.

    Sure there are people who have managed to deal with it without help but as its your life there is no need to risk it by not seeking help. If you cut yourself continually as you say then it could be even more than just a depression as its just the symptom.

    To "refuse to see a psychiatrist" is simply not an option and it doesnt matter what arguments you come up with. Its time for you to do some healing time and that starts with you going to see a doctor.

    You need to find out what is wrong with you and start the proper treatment and there is no reason to be afraid of it as it will help you.

    I know it can even feel comfortable to not seek help as you "know" your depression but dont know the future if you seek help. I know it can feel pointless as nothing surely can help you. I know it can feel like being in a black cloud that you cant see through... but go get help anyway!


    CBR

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    Evil Sadist Member discovery1's Avatar
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    Default Re: Confessions of a mad man...

    Think of all the people you love. If you kill yourself, you will never see or hear from them again. Do you wish to completely sever those ties? And try to remeber what it was like to be happy, and that it is possible to be like that again. And get help, from anywhere be it a friend or someone with training or both.


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    Oni Member Samurai Waki's Avatar
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    Default Re: Confessions of a mad man...

    EDIT: Removed by Wazikashi for being a stupid rant that made no sense after re-reading it!
    Last edited by Samurai Waki; 06-30-2005 at 10:13. Reason: Just a Dumb Rant

  22. #22
    Member Member Revelation's Avatar
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    Default Re: Confessions of a mad man...

    To quote the words of Morgan Freeman.....
    "You either gotta get busy living, or get busy dying."
    The space in between is a waste of time.
    As mentioned earlier, if you have any doubts as to why you should be committing suicide, then you got no place being there mate. Might as well get on with life. It really is wonderful!
    The only miracle cure I can offer is buy youself a cat and use it as a sort of a stress/depression brick. When the mood takes you, kick the crap outta it. Guaranteed fix!
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  23. #23
    These titles are too shor Member TonkaToys's Avatar
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    Default Re: Confessions of a mad man...

    Apologies if this seems inappropriate, but perhaps you should reconsider your relationship with your g/f. If both of you are depressed / self-harming / suicidal then could you be dragging each other down in a spiral of self-perpetuating, mutual, self-loathing? Just an opinion.
    I'm afraid I don't have any experience of depression, other than my sister who used to cut herself and tried to commit suicide once (a fact that my mum and dad still don't know). She had a rough time of it, and I did what I could to help her, although I could / should have done a lot more. Anyway, once she left her youth behind her, her attitudes changed and now, whilst she still has the occasional bout, she is a different person. Sorry, I am having trouble expressing the fact that she grew up and grew out of the worst of the depression... what I am trying to say is that she stuck it out and learnt to handle it - and maybe that will apply to you.
    I wish I had been living closer to her, so that she would have had someone to talk to - maybe that is what you need?
    Anyway, lots of good advice in this thread.

  24. #24
    One of the Undutchables Member The Stranger's Avatar
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    Default Re: Confessions of a mad man...

    Quote Originally Posted by Mikeus Caesar
    Many of you here probably know me as the happy, slightly psychopathic person who likes to have a laugh and basically have fun, but there is another side to me, a side that you don't know, and that i need help with. I suffer from hideous depression. I feel as if there is no point going on, and continually slash my arms with blades. I've even tried commiting suicide once, and i just can't take it anymore. Heh, look on the bright side though, if i choose to die, i probably won't die alone, as my Girlfriend is suicidal too, so we'd probably arrange a suicide pact. Some nights, i just sit in the dark, with drips of blood running down my arm, wondering why i bother going on with life. So, i was wondering, what the hell should i do? I refuse to see a psychiatrist, as my belief is that they'll tear my life even more apart. Please help...

    PS Mods, if you feel this is inappropiate, feel free to close it.
    i don't like to admit it, but i'm going to miss you if you commit suicide, btw let us know when you plan to do so i can lit a candle for you.

    now seriously wat ta fak are you doing. it's not good to end your life when you're so young. i dunno if you have any severe problems. and i wont see a psych. i once went to one and in one week i had 5 different ones. it didnt helped. after a month they gave up and i went out worse than i came in. i didnt had any depressions but just severe atitude problems.

    i know a girl who is also suicidal but she is still hoping for a better life, now she met my cousin (her boyfriend) she doing better and better.

    i hope you'll also met someone, or i hope you 2 can inspire each other to stay alive. its really cool that you trust us soo much you even tell us this

    We do not sow.

  25. #25
    One of the Undutchables Member The Stranger's Avatar
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    Default Re: Confessions of a mad man...

    Quote Originally Posted by Mikeus Caesar
    If you're accusing me of being an attention seeker, go ahead. That's all anyone ever does. But why would i be seeking attention? I hate attention. All i want is someone to give me a miracle cure, so i can just leave all this horribleness behind...
    i dont think you're an attention seekr. you're a good kid for as far i know. there prolly is no cure. but i don't what for kind of trouble you have, or why youre depressed. what's so horrible (you don't have to tell)

    We do not sow.

  26. #26
    Member Member The Electric Celt's Avatar
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    Default Re: Confessions of a mad man...

    Some good advice there,and I think it took a lot of courage to share that with us and by doing so you obviously don't wish to feel this way anymore.
    If you have a good G.P who's considerate and has known you a long time,start there,otherwise there is counselling...a lot less clinical and more informal than psychiatry (which can sometimes seem cold and one sided)
    You've started talking that's the main thing,and don't feel embarressed, their's a lot of people here on your side,let us all know how you're doing
    BREED MORE CONSUMERS

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  27. #27
    Oni Member Samurai Waki's Avatar
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    Default Re: Confessions of a mad man...

    Well for a truly depressive person, nothing has to be the matter. In my case it is a very bad case of genetics, my mothers side comes from a long line of alcoholic Manic-Depressives so it was only natural that out of 4 brothers I had to be the one to recieve the gene. Depression is caused from an unnatural balance of chemicals in the brain. Of course there are medications to correct it (but it isn't 100% cureable) and also it begins to rub off into your personality. I happen to be left-brained dominant, so I need my creativity to feel whole, when I was on medication the medication worked a little too well, in fact in almost completely destroyed my creativity and imagination, and I still struggle at times to get it rekindled. A lot of the cure is growing up, and working, if I stand still for too long I begin to go a little stir crazy and my depression starts to get bad. That is why I am typing on a computer at 4:06 in the morning instead of sleeping
    like previously mentioned its just a stage in your stormy teen years, for the most part you'll grow out of it, although sometimes you might have the infrequent bouts. The Babes are too hot, and the fishing is too great down here in the Caribbean to let it all go away with a bullet to the head.

  28. #28
    One of the Undutchables Member The Stranger's Avatar
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    Default Re: Confessions of a mad man...

    so BP was right. noooooo. btw how long is it that MC posted. did anyone saw him logging in? i hope nothing bad happened (i really do)

    We do not sow.

  29. #29
    Time Lord Member The_Doctor's Avatar
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    Default Re: Confessions of a mad man...

    so BP was right. noooooo. btw how long is it that MC posted. did anyone saw him logging in? i hope nothing bad happened (i really do)
    On his profile it says he was last on at 15:30, I assume that is GMT.

    His sig some what disturbing:
    Hello, the number you have called is currently dead. If you would like to leave a message, press 1. If you would like to fall to your knees and cry, press 2. If you would like to dance on grave, press 3. If you don't give a crap, hang up.

    Thank you for calling!
    It does not seem to have changed on this thread, or any other thread, though.

  30. #30
    Hǫrðar Member Viking's Avatar
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    Default Re: Confessions of a mad man...

    Hang in there Mikeus, you`re only 14, so am I. Your life has just started, you can`t give it up before you`ve really experienced it.

    You should seek a psychiatrist, or get help somehow before it`s too late.
    It looks like you need it.
    Last edited by Viking; 07-01-2005 at 09:26.
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