Results 1 to 18 of 18

Thread: The Origins of The Kingdom of Smeg

  1. #1
    Not affiliated with Red Dwarf. Member Ianofsmeg16's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    Location
    Home of Palm trees, cats with no tails, three-legged men, fairies...and more german bikers than germany
    Posts
    1,996

    Default The Origins of The Kingdom of Smeg

    The wars of The Migration; Part one

    Land Exists Between Rome's Empire and the Far Indus, that land is inhabited by people far different from the Empire. Arabs, Parthians, Armenians, Bactrians and the Bartixians
    The Most Prominent of these Was Bartix and Parthia, and they fought furiously to gain control of the middle east. Wars of Stickmen and Horse Archers erupted, with battles that sometimes lasted two or three days and seiges that destroyed whole families and communities the war was the bane of the treasuries of both Empires, yet Parthia was winning and Bartix's Lands were diminishing by the day. Eventually only the original lands of the Isle of Bartix were being held with any force.

    Meanwhile over the other side of the world and invasion was taking place......

    The Isle of Britain was gone, replaced by a Roman Brittania, The Caledonians and the Hibernians were spared invasion by the feirceness of their warriors and the Irish sea, respectively. Yet a tiny corner of the Free Britons were fighting a ceaseless invasion. The Manx of Ynys Manau.
    The urANIANs had invaded two years before, helped by a dispicable No-tailed Cat Alliance and help by not-a-frogs they had taken the whole of the north and were moving to take the key stronghold of the south...Balley Cashtal.

    This meant that they would take over the small tribe of Smegheads who lived on Balley Cashtal's outskirts. This was not going to happen, their cheif (Martinus Merseysidus, The Roman-lover), their Gods could not let it happen. Even if it meant denying the old ways of warfare and adopting new, Roman ways.

    "it's time to act" said Cheif Merseysidus

    Please comment

    *please not that this is NOT a difinitive history of Bartix, but of Smeg, any mistakes made concerning the Empire of Bartix are not the fault of the publisher or the writer, just the confusing nature of Bartixian Language
    When I was a child
    I caught a fleeting glimpse
    Out of the corner of my eye.
    I turned to look but it was gone
    I cannot put my finger on it now
    The child is grown,
    The dream is gone.
    I have become comfortably numb...

    Proud Supporter of the Gahzette

  2. #2
    [Insertwittytitlehere] Member Copperhaired Berserker!'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Location
    Glasgow, where the neds are in control.
    Posts
    786

    Default Re: The Origins of The Kingdom of Smeg




    If I was smart, I would have a witty punchline in this sig that would make everyone ROTFL.

    I'm not smart.

  3. #3
    Don't worry, I don't exist Member King of Atlantis's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    Ruins of Atlantis a.k.a Florida
    Posts
    1,658

    Default Re: The Origins of The Kingdom of Smeg

    Yes it is very hard to translate the bartix language and its only remaining speaker aboskee usually only confuses the translations.

  4. #4
    Not affiliated with Red Dwarf. Member Ianofsmeg16's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    Location
    Home of Palm trees, cats with no tails, three-legged men, fairies...and more german bikers than germany
    Posts
    1,996

    Default Re: The Origins of The Kingdom of Smeg

    The Wars Of The Migration; Part Two

    The more hot-headed smegheads beleived, with Martinus's words, that there would be much killing of cats and not-a-frogs. The were wrong.
    Martinus knew the war was lost, he knew Rome would not help and he knew of only one thing to do. Move. The smegheads traded with a grand country called Bartix, far to the east of even Rome's lands, and the last trading ship had come the The Isle of Man with a plea to all it's tribes for help against the Parthian menace, the ship had gone home with no good answers. But Martinus sat in his hall and wondered.
    Would we be able to do it? Yes. Would Rome let us cross their lands? No, but go by boat, we are able sailors. Would Bartix let us have land? Yes, they seemed a friendly but confusing bunch. It was settled, we would move to the lands to the east and settle, away from Rome, cats and not-a-frogs.

    The Warlords called it cowardice, the women said it was too hard and the diplomats said it should not be done. But these nay-sayers had not reckoned on Martinus' two major allies. They had not reckoned on the Commander of the Romanized Smeg Legions The lord Ian of Smeg. They had not reckoned on Beserker!

    A tall Man walked through the building on the other side of the Smeg's Capital of Ballasalla. he walked fast, marched would be a better word. He also marched in Roman armour. A bronze breastplate gripped his chest, under that was a coat of Roman Chain Mail, his legs were covered at the bottom by Bartixian Golden Greives and at the top by a skirt armoured with good roman gold. In short he was a soldier, born in Daun (doncaster) raised with Romans in rome and taught the ways of war in Hispania his name was Ian, Lord Ian of Smeg Commander in cheif of the Smeg Legions and, to the people, Lord of all who are Smegheads. And he marched with a key.

    The Key opened a cage, and in the cage was a man, drunk on war and two year old mead, he wore nothing but bearskins and insisted on carrying a war spear and a sword.

    "Go, Kill all who resist you and don't come back until you've brought me their leader." Said Ian in a loud voice. He opened the cage door and the man jumped out violently. Ian tossed him a sack.
    "For the head"
    And the man ran off, stole a horse, then the world screamed a terrible scream of death. For Beserker was loose...

    Comments appreciated
    Last edited by Ianofsmeg16; 07-24-2005 at 19:35.
    When I was a child
    I caught a fleeting glimpse
    Out of the corner of my eye.
    I turned to look but it was gone
    I cannot put my finger on it now
    The child is grown,
    The dream is gone.
    I have become comfortably numb...

    Proud Supporter of the Gahzette

  5. #5
    Don't worry, I don't exist Member King of Atlantis's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    Ruins of Atlantis a.k.a Florida
    Posts
    1,658

    Default Re: The Origins of The Kingdom of Smeg

    Surley you havent forgotten the great Atlantean mercenaries led by me. They did much to help the kingdom of smeg in its darkest our of need.

  6. #6
    Not affiliated with Red Dwarf. Member Ianofsmeg16's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    Location
    Home of Palm trees, cats with no tails, three-legged men, fairies...and more german bikers than germany
    Posts
    1,996

    Default Re: The Origins of The Kingdom of Smeg

    They come in later....
    When I was a child
    I caught a fleeting glimpse
    Out of the corner of my eye.
    I turned to look but it was gone
    I cannot put my finger on it now
    The child is grown,
    The dream is gone.
    I have become comfortably numb...

    Proud Supporter of the Gahzette

  7. #7
    Don't worry, I don't exist Member King of Atlantis's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    Ruins of Atlantis a.k.a Florida
    Posts
    1,658

    Default Re: The Origins of The Kingdom of Smeg

    I see, could story though.

  8. #8
    [Insertwittytitlehere] Member Copperhaired Berserker!'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Location
    Glasgow, where the neds are in control.
    Posts
    786

    Default Re: The Origins of The Kingdom of Smeg

    Thanks for letting me kill the Crazy Frog, Oh BTW, I have a story about the Crazy Frog. In the mead hall. You'll like it.



    If I was smart, I would have a witty punchline in this sig that would make everyone ROTFL.

    I'm not smart.

  9. #9
    Not affiliated with Red Dwarf. Member Ianofsmeg16's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    Location
    Home of Palm trees, cats with no tails, three-legged men, fairies...and more german bikers than germany
    Posts
    1,996

    Default Re: The Origins of The Kingdom of Smeg

    i read your story...funny as Red Dwarf itself!!!!
    When I was a child
    I caught a fleeting glimpse
    Out of the corner of my eye.
    I turned to look but it was gone
    I cannot put my finger on it now
    The child is grown,
    The dream is gone.
    I have become comfortably numb...

    Proud Supporter of the Gahzette

  10. #10
    Not affiliated with Red Dwarf. Member Ianofsmeg16's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    Location
    Home of Palm trees, cats with no tails, three-legged men, fairies...and more german bikers than germany
    Posts
    1,996

    Default Re: The Origins of The Kingdom of Smeg

    The Death of the frog and Mann

    Beserker! creeped through the bushes, stalking his prey. His prey was a not-a-frog, but this was no ordinary not-a-frog, this was the Crazy frog. Leader of all not-a-frogs and king of the Northern isle of man.
    Beserker rushed his prey, startling it and taking it completely by surprise, he was screaming a war cry to deafen the gods and he was weilding his longsword with brutal efficiency, cutting through the guards until he reached the crazy frog.
    Beserker screamed, a slicing pain went through his back as a guard cut him thorugh the spine. Yet there was a new sound coming, a cry of "FORTES FORTUNA ADIUVAT" filled the air as Ian of Smeg ran towards the Crazy frog, who now turned to face him with a spear.
    "Beserker! Atlantis! NOW!" Ian screamed.
    Beserker lifted himself up as the King of Atlantis ripped of his disguise and together the three friends all cut the head off the crazy frog.
    "Well" said Atlantis "That was fun"
    They laughed, then cheered, for a while they could not stop. But as they climbed a ridge they saw death.
    An army had marched beyond the Smeg Lines and now was bringing destruction to the land. Suddenly a horn shouted and Martinus, Dutch guy and Mikeus Ceaser rode up to them.
    "C'mon guys2 Dutch said simply "It's time to go"
    The Six friends turned towards the army destroying their houses and anybody foolish enough to stay behind. And each of them, great warriors all, had a tear in their eye...

    Comments appreciated

    p.s. The wars of the migration continue tomorrow
    When I was a child
    I caught a fleeting glimpse
    Out of the corner of my eye.
    I turned to look but it was gone
    I cannot put my finger on it now
    The child is grown,
    The dream is gone.
    I have become comfortably numb...

    Proud Supporter of the Gahzette

  11. #11
    [Insertwittytitlehere] Member Copperhaired Berserker!'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Location
    Glasgow, where the neds are in control.
    Posts
    786

    Default Re: The Origins of The Kingdom of Smeg

    What, did I die? boohooboohhoo



    If I was smart, I would have a witty punchline in this sig that would make everyone ROTFL.

    I'm not smart.

  12. #12
    Don't worry, I don't exist Member King of Atlantis's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    Ruins of Atlantis a.k.a Florida
    Posts
    1,658

    Default Re: The Origins of The Kingdom of Smeg

    You didnt die though the story seems to reflect the death of the AJC.

  13. #13
    Not affiliated with Red Dwarf. Member Ianofsmeg16's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    Location
    Home of Palm trees, cats with no tails, three-legged men, fairies...and more german bikers than germany
    Posts
    1,996

    Default Re: The Origins of The Kingdom of Smeg

    no you didnt die, and yes Atlantis thats what i was going for, but the story of smeg will go on....
    as long as i can be bothered writing every nght of course ;)
    When I was a child
    I caught a fleeting glimpse
    Out of the corner of my eye.
    I turned to look but it was gone
    I cannot put my finger on it now
    The child is grown,
    The dream is gone.
    I have become comfortably numb...

    Proud Supporter of the Gahzette

  14. #14
    Not affiliated with Red Dwarf. Member Ianofsmeg16's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    Location
    Home of Palm trees, cats with no tails, three-legged men, fairies...and more german bikers than germany
    Posts
    1,996

    Default Re: The Origins of The Kingdom of Smeg

    Judea and Legions

    The Ships had sailed past Hispania and through the rough straights with only two ships out of twelve lost, and most of the men were saved from those two ships. Many still resented the migration, even as they passed Crete and towards Egypt, a Roman Land.
    They trained for the inevitable fight against Rome, the old warband style of warfare was gone, replaced by Graeco-Roman ways. Our Soldiers, called Smeg Legions, were armed with a long spear (About 6ft) and a square type shield used by Rome. For armour, most wore leather and chain mail, but one Legion, Ian's own, was armoured with expensive Scale mail, hundreds of little scales that protected from any spear thrust.

    The Legions Landed on a beach in Judea and best of all, a deserted beach and the march wasn't that bad either, until they got to Jerusalem.
    Beserker! had calmed down now, he was still an awesome warrior but he had gained some civility and class, Ian was the same as always, generous and happy but annoyed that a battle hadn't happened yet. Atlantis, now leading his Atlantean Mercenaries (he had come only as a captain, now he was a General), was sombre, probably missing his home, where he was still heir to the throne, Dutch Guy was happy to be on the march and he had found a girl (obviously) in a village near Tyre that welcomed us, in more ways than one . Martinus, ever Calculating his strategy for battle against the Romans, was irratable and moody for he was having trouble figuring out a way to defeat the legions of Rome.
    On the March, in burning sun, the Smegs trained. Discipline was introduced, producing soldiers that could stand against anything.
    Then the romans appeared....

    comments please.....
    would also like comments on the content, is there anything i moght add to the next installments to get a more exciting feel?

    The next instalment will be a battle between Smeg and rome.....
    Last edited by Ianofsmeg16; 07-26-2005 at 21:23.
    When I was a child
    I caught a fleeting glimpse
    Out of the corner of my eye.
    I turned to look but it was gone
    I cannot put my finger on it now
    The child is grown,
    The dream is gone.
    I have become comfortably numb...

    Proud Supporter of the Gahzette

  15. #15
    Don't worry, I don't exist Member King of Atlantis's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    Ruins of Atlantis a.k.a Florida
    Posts
    1,658

    Default Re: The Origins of The Kingdom of Smeg

    Is Bartix in the next one. This one was good, but could have used some more action.

  16. #16
    Not affiliated with Red Dwarf. Member Ianofsmeg16's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    Location
    Home of Palm trees, cats with no tails, three-legged men, fairies...and more german bikers than germany
    Posts
    1,996

    Default Re: The Origins of The Kingdom of Smeg

    Quote Originally Posted by King of Atlantis
    Is Bartix in the next one. This one was good, but could have used some more action.
    Yeah Bartix Helps smeg defeat rome.....dont worry there'll be action, i just couldnt be bothered today lol
    When I was a child
    I caught a fleeting glimpse
    Out of the corner of my eye.
    I turned to look but it was gone
    I cannot put my finger on it now
    The child is grown,
    The dream is gone.
    I have become comfortably numb...

    Proud Supporter of the Gahzette

  17. #17
    Not affiliated with Red Dwarf. Member Ianofsmeg16's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    Location
    Home of Palm trees, cats with no tails, three-legged men, fairies...and more german bikers than germany
    Posts
    1,996

    Default Re: The Origins of The Kingdom of Smeg

    Sorry I didnt post today, i had to do History Coursework therefore i cant be arsed writing more than a few lines, i promise the story will be back tomorrow!!!
    When I was a child
    I caught a fleeting glimpse
    Out of the corner of my eye.
    I turned to look but it was gone
    I cannot put my finger on it now
    The child is grown,
    The dream is gone.
    I have become comfortably numb...

    Proud Supporter of the Gahzette

  18. #18
    Not affiliated with Red Dwarf. Member Ianofsmeg16's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    Location
    Home of Palm trees, cats with no tails, three-legged men, fairies...and more german bikers than germany
    Posts
    1,996

    Default Re: The Origins of The Kingdom of Smeg

    The Battle against Rome

    A legion lined up on a long ridge overlooking some good farmland, it formed in three lines. The First and second line was made up of 5 cohorts each the third line was made up of auxillia from Judea and Egypt. On The Flanks cavalry from spain and Gaul eyed the enemy's army while Archers from Syria tested their bowstrings. All of them looked up and stared, for another legion faced them.

    The Smegs outnumbered the Romans with cavalry and infantry, but still the Romans were more disciplined still despite the hours of training, Martinus needed to figure out a way to eliminate that threat, and the threat of the roman legionaries, he planned his battle like this. In the centre would be three lines of five cohorts each, commanded by King Malcolm a trustworthy Caledonian who came with the Smegs for some wild adventure, and they were told to aim straight for the Roman infantry lines, keeping formation as they go. On the left Flank Beserker! commanded a small ambush force that would move in parallel to the main lines and ambush them from behind, aiming for the General. Meanwhile Ian of Smeg's Legion were all mounted from good horses that were gifts from towns in Judea, these were to flank the romans from the right side. Lastly, Atlantis commanded his mercenary Atlanteans, all the Archers and a special anti-cavalry Phalanx unit from Bartix.

    Yet the Smegs were caught by surprise, the Romans marched foreward before they had a chance to sya their prayers to the Smeg Gods, men hurried towards their positions and Ian's legion were the first away, settling down in a forest that the Romans were sure to pass by. They came relentlessly, the faceless legionaires marching toward the smeg line, only thinking about what lay beyond it. When the two lines crashed the Smegs were pushed back to just outside their camp and they were losing men fast, Beserkers ambush group charged and got to the enemy general but the first cohort encircled him and the ambushers never reached their target.
    "Where the hell is Ian and Dutch guy with the Cavalry?" Screamed Martinus to Malcolm during the fighting. He had no answer.

    Suddenly a horn sounded, a horn that sent many people into a fit of tears, for they knew the fight was won. Huge men on huge horses wearing the best armour the tribe could afford, shining men that seemed to be sent from the Gods to save the Smeg legion. The Armour glinted in the desert sunlight and the crashing hooves sent the Romans down into the dark world of absolute terror. But it wasnt just Ian's Legion, a banner of a lght bulb was seen, the two then five and soon a whole army had appeared, sent from Bartix to help their allies, and then Ian of Smeg's own Cavalry mixed with the 3rd Bartixian Heavies crashed home. Instantly routing all who got in their way.

    Sorry for the wait guys! hope you enjoyed this
    When I was a child
    I caught a fleeting glimpse
    Out of the corner of my eye.
    I turned to look but it was gone
    I cannot put my finger on it now
    The child is grown,
    The dream is gone.
    I have become comfortably numb...

    Proud Supporter of the Gahzette

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
Single Sign On provided by vBSSO