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Thread: The Atheist

  1. #1
    A Veteran Wargamer Member kiwitt's Avatar
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    Default The Atheist

    An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What Majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

    As he continued walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder, he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him.

    At that instant, the atheist cried out: "Oh my God!..."

    Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.

    It was then that bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying:

    "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

    The atheist looked directly into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?"

    "Very well," said the voice.

    The light went out. And the sounds of the forest resumed.

    And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke,

    "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful."
    Last edited by kiwitt; 08-01-2005 at 00:18.
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  2. #2

    Default Re: The Atheist

    Perhaps the bear would have also accused his dinner of being a baby-murdering leftist socialist? And that we should all pray in schools? And that God is on Americas side? And that if his dinner didn't vote Republican, he would eat him more slowly?
    Last edited by Divinus Arma; 08-01-2005 at 00:29.
    "Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds." -Einstein

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  3. #3
    Ambiguous Member Byzantine Prince's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Atheist

    LMAO!!! The bear is a Christian.
    Where would it go? Bear heaven?

    What if the atheist had a huge knife and when the bear was praying he stabs the bear in the heart and then has his way with the corpse?

  4. #4

    Default Re: The Atheist

    you need something better than a big knife to kill a bear.

  5. #5
    Member Member Azi Tohak's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Atheist

    Thank you all for the attacks on Christianity

    I rather like the story myself. And GC, I don't know if a person could out run a bear. It seems to me the bear should be able to catch up to the nincompoop pretty quick.

    Divinus Arma, I think the bear would only eat more slowly to enjoy the flavor. I mean, if you're dead, you're dead right?

    Azi

    Edit: D'oh, I did not finish this silly thing the first time.
    Last edited by Azi Tohak; 08-01-2005 at 04:05.
    "If you don't want to work, become a reporter. That awful power, the public opinion of the nation, was created by a horde of self-complacent simpletons who failed at ditch digging and shoemaking and fetched up journalism on their way to the poorhouse."
    Mark Twain 1881

  6. #6

    Default Re: The Atheist

    This proves how "tolerant' the left really is. I thank god most of you aren't americans we dont need more people with your attitudes here.
    Formerly ceasar010

  7. #7

    Default Re: The Atheist

    nice story, except the stuff with the lights never happens, whether the victim (or meal) is christian, jew, atheist or muslim.
    Common Unreflected Drinking Only Smartens

  8. #8
    Old Town Road Senior Member Strike For The South's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Atheist

    I hope the bear scarfed him
    There, but for the grace of God, goes John Bradford

    My aim, then, was to whip the rebels, to humble their pride, to follow them to their inmost recesses, and make them fear and dread us. Fear is the beginning of wisdom.

    I am tired and sick of war. Its glory is all moonshine. It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood, for vengeance, for desolation.

  9. #9

    Default Re: The Atheist

    Quote Originally Posted by ceasar010
    This proves how "tolerant' the left really is. I thank god most of you aren't americans we dont need more people with your attitudes here.

    Actually, I am very conservative. I am also an American. And I also happen to be a Marine who served in Afghanistan. I am just not a "Christian Conservative".

    I am just in a jerkish mood right now.
    "Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds." -Einstein

    Quote Originally Posted by Pannonian View Post
    The Backroom is the Crackroom.

  10. #10
    Member Member Azi Tohak's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Atheist

    Quote Originally Posted by ceasar010
    This proves how "tolerant' the left really is. I thank god most of you aren't americans we dont need more people with your attitudes here.
    Come on now, they are just joking. I think. Anyway, why get upset at them? And you know as well as I do that we have people just like them here. I.e. look at Universities.

    Azi
    Last edited by Azi Tohak; 08-01-2005 at 04:06.
    "If you don't want to work, become a reporter. That awful power, the public opinion of the nation, was created by a horde of self-complacent simpletons who failed at ditch digging and shoemaking and fetched up journalism on their way to the poorhouse."
    Mark Twain 1881

  11. #11
    The Black Senior Member Papewaio's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Atheist

    Well I thought it was funny.

    ====

    A) Bears shit in the woods.
    B) The Pope is Catholic.
    C) If Bears are Catholic, does the Pope shit in the woods?
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  12. #12

    Default Re: The Atheist

    I was making a shrewd and clever observation as to the political posturing of the very far right.
    "Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds." -Einstein

    Quote Originally Posted by Pannonian View Post
    The Backroom is the Crackroom.

  13. #13
    Insomniac and tired of it Senior Member Slyspy's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Atheist

    Quote Originally Posted by Sjakihata
    nice story, except the stuff with the lights never happens, whether the victim (or meal) is christian, jew, atheist or muslim.
    Maybe it would if the believer were a bear? We must baptise one and conduct an experiment.
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    Things Change Member JAG's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Atheist

    Man, some of you guys need to lighten up - it was funny and only meant to be so, not offensive.

    I am sure you guys can think of equally funny and non offensive short stories like this about us evil Atheists.
    GARCIN: I "dreamt," you say. It was no dream. When I chose the hardest path, I made my choice deliberately. A man is what he wills himself to be.
    INEZ: Prove it. Prove it was no dream. It's what one does, and nothing else, that shows the stuff one's made of.
    GARCIN: I died too soon. I wasn't allowed time to - to do my deeds.
    INEZ: One always dies too soon - or too late. And yet one's whole life is complete at that moment, with a line drawn neatly under it, ready for the summing up. You are - your life, and nothing else.

    Jean Paul Sartre - No Exit 1944

  15. #15
    Vermonter and Seperatist Member Uesugi Kenshin's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Atheist

    I agree with JAG, it was pretty funny and shouldn't be taken as offensive, it is merely a short story. It's not saying that aetheists in general are hypocrits or anything like that...
    "A man's dying is more his survivor's affair than his own."
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  16. #16
    Member Member Azi Tohak's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Atheist

    Quote Originally Posted by JAG
    Man, some of you guys need to lighten up - it was funny and only meant to be so, not offensive.

    I am sure you guys can think of equally funny and non offensive short stories like this about us evil Atheists.
    Uh oh...we agree again... I think JAG just hit on one big problem with too many of us Christians. No sense of humor about our faith. As much as I love my own teacher, she really does need to lighten up about her faith.

    And I would love to tell a story about an Atheist getting his commupance...but I can't come up with one right now.

    Oops. I just realized I did not finish my previous post. D'oh!

    Ahem, sorry about that

    Azi
    "If you don't want to work, become a reporter. That awful power, the public opinion of the nation, was created by a horde of self-complacent simpletons who failed at ditch digging and shoemaking and fetched up journalism on their way to the poorhouse."
    Mark Twain 1881

  17. #17
    Minion of Zoltan Member Roark's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Atheist

    I love how Ceasar nearly transformed it into a Left vs Right thing...

  18. #18
    Member Member Azi Tohak's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Atheist

    Too much does. Or it becomes another X vs Y thing (ahem...'the good old days' thread...). But I'm glad we have all just kind of gone right past that part.

    But does anyone know of any other stories?

    Azi
    "If you don't want to work, become a reporter. That awful power, the public opinion of the nation, was created by a horde of self-complacent simpletons who failed at ditch digging and shoemaking and fetched up journalism on their way to the poorhouse."
    Mark Twain 1881

  19. #19
    Old Town Road Senior Member Strike For The South's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Atheist

    Heres another story its not that funny but its got a moral and we all love those

    A man went to a barbershop to have his hair cut and his beard trimmed. As the barber began to work, they began to have a good conversation. They talked about so many things and various subjects.

    When they eventually touched on the subject of God, the barber said: "I don't believe that God exists."

    "Why do you say that?" asked the customer.

    "Well, you just have to go out in the street to realize that God doesn't exist. Tell me, if God exists, would there be so many sick people? Would there be abandoned children? If God existed, there would be neither suffering nor pain. I can't imagine a loving God who would allow all of these things."

    The customer thought for a moment, but didn't respond because he didn't want to start an argument. The barber finished his job and the customer left the shop. Just after he left the barbershop, he saw a man in the street with long, stringy, dirty hair and an untrimmed beard. He looked dirty and unkempt!

    The customer turned back and entered the barber shop again and he said to the barber: "You know what? Barbers do not exist."

    "How can you say that?" asked the surprised barber. "I am here, and I am a barber and I just worked on you!"

    "No!" the customer exclaimed. "Barbers don't exist because if they did, there would be no people with dirty long hair and untrimmed beards, like that man outside."

    "Ah, but barbers DO exist! What happens is, people do not come to me."

    "Exactly!" affirmed the customer. "That's the point! God, too, DOES exist! What happens, is, people don't go to Him and do not look for Him. That's why there's so much pain and suffering in the world."
    There, but for the grace of God, goes John Bradford

    My aim, then, was to whip the rebels, to humble their pride, to follow them to their inmost recesses, and make them fear and dread us. Fear is the beginning of wisdom.

    I am tired and sick of war. Its glory is all moonshine. It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood, for vengeance, for desolation.

  20. #20
    Member Member Azi Tohak's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Atheist

    Very nice Strike. Very nice.

    Sounds like something my grandma would say!

    Azi
    "If you don't want to work, become a reporter. That awful power, the public opinion of the nation, was created by a horde of self-complacent simpletons who failed at ditch digging and shoemaking and fetched up journalism on their way to the poorhouse."
    Mark Twain 1881

  21. #21

    Default Re: The Atheist

    Man, haircuts are expensive. I got mine cut once and the swindler charged me $12.

  22. #22
    Ambiguous Member Byzantine Prince's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Atheist

    Umm well you can try to go TO God all you want, he's still not gonna be anything other then a figment of your imagination. The barber on the other hand is right there waiting for him(assuming he has money). There's a huge difference. You could ask for god and accept god all you want, if you let's say were a jew in holocaust(an example), asking god for help, I bet you not very much would be different, then if you were a communist in holocaust not doing that. In fact they might even spare the communist.

    I know I'm not suposed to take this seriously, but if it was a better constructed story maybe I would, it just isn't.

  23. #23
    Old Town Road Senior Member Strike For The South's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Atheist

    Quote Originally Posted by Byzantine Prince
    Umm well you can try to go TO God all you want, he's still not gonna be anything other then a figment of your imagination. The barber on the other hand is right there waiting for him(assuming he has money). There's a huge difference. You could ask for god and accept god all you want, if you let's say were a jew in holocaust(an example), asking god for help, I bet you not very much would be different, then if you were a communist in holocaust not doing that. In fact they might even spare the communist.

    I know I'm not suposed to take this seriously, but if it was a better constructed story maybe I would, it just isn't.
    The point is God isn't gonna find people people need to find god and get haircuts
    There, but for the grace of God, goes John Bradford

    My aim, then, was to whip the rebels, to humble their pride, to follow them to their inmost recesses, and make them fear and dread us. Fear is the beginning of wisdom.

    I am tired and sick of war. Its glory is all moonshine. It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood, for vengeance, for desolation.

  24. #24
    Member Member Productivity's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Atheist

    Quote Originally Posted by strike for the south
    The point is God isn't gonna find people people need to find god and get haircuts

    Then explain why my anonymous family member is dying of cancer here, despite having spent their whole life trying to find god.

    *this is true, I just don't want to give details as to who they are for their own benefit.

  25. #25
    Member Member bmolsson's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Atheist

    This was very funny....

  26. #26
    Member Member Azi Tohak's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Atheist

    Quote Originally Posted by dgb
    Then explain why my anonymous family member is dying of cancer here, despite having spent their whole life trying to find god.

    *this is true, I just don't want to give details as to who they are for their own benefit.
    For the same reason my Methodist Preacher grandpa died of liver cancer. The same reason my dad died when I was 19. God's will.

    What a lame answer huh? But there is nothing else to say to your question.

    Azi
    "If you don't want to work, become a reporter. That awful power, the public opinion of the nation, was created by a horde of self-complacent simpletons who failed at ditch digging and shoemaking and fetched up journalism on their way to the poorhouse."
    Mark Twain 1881

  27. #27
    Member Member Productivity's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Atheist

    Quote Originally Posted by Azi Tohak
    For the same reason my Methodist Preacher grandpa died of liver cancer. The same reason my dad died when I was 19. God's will.

    What a lame answer huh? But there is nothing else to say to your question.

    Azi
    I know that's the answer. I just dislike the argument that you just have to turn to god and everything will be allright. It's a false argument. I personally don't beleive in god, but I don't care if you do or don't, that's your choice.

    But you have to accept that in beleiving in god, sometimes god will do things that you don't like. Saying everyone who has problems has them because they don't come to god is false. Plenty of people who come to god have problems, and god doesn't allways solve them.

  28. #28
    Old Town Road Senior Member Strike For The South's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Atheist

    Quote Originally Posted by dgb
    I know that's the answer. I just dislike the argument that you just have to turn to god and everything will be allright. It's a false argument. I personally don't beleive in god, but I don't care if you do or don't, that's your choice.

    But you have to accept that in beleiving in god, sometimes god will do things that you don't like. Saying everyone who has problems has them because they don't come to god is false. Plenty of people who come to god have problems, and god doesn't allways solve them.
    You make a good point dgb and I think everyone who belives in god knows he wont solve there problems because what we get at the end of our journey is 1000 times better than anything you could imagaine

    P.S I hope your family member recovers i will pray for them
    Last edited by Strike For The South; 08-01-2005 at 07:15.
    There, but for the grace of God, goes John Bradford

    My aim, then, was to whip the rebels, to humble their pride, to follow them to their inmost recesses, and make them fear and dread us. Fear is the beginning of wisdom.

    I am tired and sick of war. Its glory is all moonshine. It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood, for vengeance, for desolation.

  29. #29
    Things Change Member JAG's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Atheist

    Quote Originally Posted by strike for the south
    You make a good point dgb and I think everyone who belives in god knows he wont solve there problems because what we get at the end of our journey is 1000 times better than anything you could imagaine

    P.S I hope your family member recovers I will pray for them
    ..Ad hoc... Argument. ... GAH! *mind fizzles*
    GARCIN: I "dreamt," you say. It was no dream. When I chose the hardest path, I made my choice deliberately. A man is what he wills himself to be.
    INEZ: Prove it. Prove it was no dream. It's what one does, and nothing else, that shows the stuff one's made of.
    GARCIN: I died too soon. I wasn't allowed time to - to do my deeds.
    INEZ: One always dies too soon - or too late. And yet one's whole life is complete at that moment, with a line drawn neatly under it, ready for the summing up. You are - your life, and nothing else.

    Jean Paul Sartre - No Exit 1944

  30. #30
    Minion of Zoltan Member Roark's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Atheist

    Quote Originally Posted by dgb
    I just dislike the argument that you just have to turn to god and everything will be allright.
    So do I, and I'm a deist.

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