The HaHa thread

[Reverend Joe]

About half those apply to me, so I guess that's enough- yes! I'm a Yankee!
However:

You refer to two or more people as "you guys" instead of "y'all".

This should be changed to "HEY YOU!"

...out there beyond the wall, breaking bottles in the hall, can you help me?
Sorry- can't resist a Floyd quote.

Anyway, getting back to the point, almost all my jokes are inappropriate for the Org (but funny nonetheless), so here's my only appropriate joke:

A blind man with a seeing-eye dog walks into a supermarket. He walks into the middle of the market, and without warning, he picks the dog up and starts swinging the poor mutt around in the air. People stare and duck as the dog swings around like a sack of howling potatoes. A supermarket attendant nervously approaches the blind man, avoiding the airborne dog, and asks him, "Can... can I help you?"
Without missing a beat, the blind man responds, "No, I'm okay; I'm just looking around."

I know- it's terrible- but what do you expect? This place is too censored to tell real good jokes.

[ichi]

teh old

[Reverend Joe]

teh old

As I said before... unless the moderators will give us a break on this thread...

(I know your answer will be no, so don't bother responding.)

[Kaiser of Arabia]

http://emosong.ytmnd.com/
WARNING: Offensive to Liberals, Emos, Goths, and other such strange cultural trends that make no sense to me. Also, has some very minor homosexual referances. Listen with caution, but it's ****a funny.

[Del Arroyo]

Here's one I know that is relevant to recent political discussion on this board First, in Spanish.

-
Hugo Chavez entra un bar y se sienta en una mesa con tres muchachas-- una rubia, una pelirroja, y una morena. El vee que con bonitas, pues les dice-- "Cuanto me cuesta para acostarme con uno de Uds. esta noche?"

Primero responde la rubia-- "Le cuesta trescientos dolares." Sigue la pelirroja-- "A Ud. me doy para doscientos dolares."

"Muy bien," dice Chavez. "Y tu?" le pregunta a la morena. "Que dices tu?"

Le responde la morenita, "Pues bueno, mi jefe, le digo-- que si Ud. me sube la falda tan alta como estan los precios, y me baja los calzones tan bajos como estan los saldos, y me jode tan duro como Ud. ha jodido a este pais, pues, para ti, Señor Presidente, la noche esta gratis!"
-

...

-
Hugo Chavez walks into a night club and sits at a table with three pretty girls-- a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. He sees that they are quite beautiful, so he asks them-- "How much will it cost me to sleep with one of you tonight?"

The blonde replies first-- "It would cost you three hundred dollars." Next replies the redhead-- "You could have me for two hundred dollars."

"Very well," says Chavez. He turns to the brunette. "And you?" he asks. "What do you say?"

The brunette responds, saying "Well, sir, I say-- that if you can hike my skirt up as high as the prices are, and lower my panties down as low as the wages, and screw me just as hard as you've screwed this country, then for you, Mr. President, the night is free!"
-

DA

[Ianofsmeg16]

This is quite good.....
Why Wasn't Jesus born in America?
'Cos God couldn't find Three Wise men and a Virgin :)

[King Henry V]

Here's one I know that is relevant to recent political discussion on this board First, in Spanish.

-
Hugo Chavez entra un bar y se sienta en una mesa con tres muchachas-- una rubia, una pelirroja, y una morena. El vee que con bonitas, pues les dice-- "Cuanto me cuesta para acostarme con uno de Uds. esta noche?"

Primero responde la rubia-- "Le cuesta trescientos dolares." Sigue la pelirroja-- "A Ud. me doy para doscientos dolares."

"Muy bien," dice Chavez. "Y tu?" le pregunta a la morena. "Que dices tu?"

Le responde la morenita, "Pues bueno, mi jefe, le digo-- que si Ud. me sube la falda tan alta como estan los precios, y me baja los calzones tan bajos como estan los saldos, y me jode tan duro como Ud. ha jodido a este pais, pues, para ti, Señor Presidente, la noche esta gratis!"
-

...

-
Hugo Chavez walks into a night club and sits at a table with three pretty girls-- a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. He sees that they are quite beautiful, so he asks them-- "How much will it cost me to sleep with one of you tonight?"

The blonde replies first-- "It would cost you three hundred dollars." Next replies the redhead-- "You could have me for two hundred dollars."

"Very well," says Chavez. He turns to the brunette. "And you?" he asks. "What do you say?"

The brunette responds, saying "Well, sir, I say-- that if you can hike my skirt up as high as the prices are, and lower my panties down as low as the wages, and screw me just as hard as you've screwed this country, then for you, Mr. President, the night is free!"
-

DA

JAG better not read that one. He might have a fit. And I don't mean one to do with laughter.

Anyway I typed in French military victories into google and clicked, "I'm feeling lucky". Then I clicked "Did you mean French miltary defeats" and found this:

The Complete Military History of France
***Please note that the Web designer is not American and blaming the Web designer for America's history is illogical. Though you may critisize this oversimplified French history all you wish, blaming or threatening the Web designer is not nice.

We are still accepting submissions from history researchers.
Last update: May 4, 2005.

- Gallic Wars
- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

- Hundred Years War
- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Sainted.

- Italian Wars
- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

- Wars of Religion
- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

- Thirty Years War
- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

- War of Revolution
- Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

- The Dutch War
- Tied

- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War
- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

- War of the Spanish Succession
- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

- American Revolution
- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

- French Revolution
- Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

- The Napoleonic Wars
- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

- The Franco-Prussian War
- Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

- World War I
- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

- World War II
- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

- War in Indochina
- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

- Algerian Rebellion
- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

- War on Terrorism
- France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France collapses?"

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."

Or, better still, the quote from last week's Wall Street Journal: "They're there when they need you."

With only an hour and a half of research, Jonathan Duczkowski provided the following losses:

Norse invasions, 841-911.
After having their way with the French for 70 years, the Norse are bribed by a French King named Charles the Simple (really!) who gave them Normandy in return for peace. Normans proceed to become just about the only positive military bonus in France's [favour] for next 500 years.

Mexico, 1863-1864.
France attempts to take advantage of Mexico's weakness following its thorough thrashing by the U.S. 20 years earlier ("Halls of Montezuma"). Not surprisingly, the only unit to distinguish itself is the French Foreign Legion (consisting of, by definition, non-Frenchmen). Booted out of the country a little over a year after arrival.

Panama jungles 1881-1890.
No one but nature to fight, France still loses; canal is eventually built by the U.S. 1904-1914.

Napoleonic Wars.
Should be noted that the Grand Armee was largely (~%50) composed of non-Frenchmen after 1804 or so. Mainly disgruntled minorities and anti-monarchists. Not surprisingly, these performed better than the French on many occasions.

Haiti, 1791-1804.
French defeated by rebellion after sacrificing 4,000 Poles to yellow fever. Shows another rule of French warfare; when in doubt, send an ally.

India, 1673-1813.
British were far more charming then French, ended up victors. Therefore the British are well known for their tea, and the French for their whine (er, wine...). Ensures 200 years of bad teeth in England.

Barbary Wars, middle ages-1830.
Pirates in North Africa continually harass European shipping in Meditteranean. France's solution: pay them to leave us alone. America's solution: kick their asses ("the Shores of Tripoli"). [America's] first overseas victories, won 1801-1815.

1798-1801, Quasi-War with U.S.
French privateers (semi-legal pirates) attack U.S. shipping. U.S. fights France at sea for 3 years; French eventually cave; sets precedent for next 200 years of Franco-American relations.

Moors in Spain, late 700s-early 800s.
Even with Charlemagne leading them against an enemy living in a hostile land, French are unable to make much progress. Hide behind Pyrennes until the modern day.

French-on-French losses (probably should be counted as victories too, just to be fair):

1208: Albigenses Crusade, French massacared by French.
When asked how to differentiate a heretic from the faithful, response was "Kill them all. God will know His own." Lesson: French are badasses when fighting unarmed men, women and children.

St. Bartholomew Day Massacre, August 24, 1572.
Once again, French-on-French slaughter.

Third Crusade.
Philip Augustus of France throws hissy-fit, leaves Crusade for Richard the Lion Heart to finish.

Seventh Crusade.
St. Louis of France leads Crusade to Egypt. Resoundingly crushed.

[Eighth] Crusade.
St. Louis back in action, this time in Tunis. See Seventh Crusade.

Also should be noted that France attempted to hide behind the Maginot line, sticking their head in the sand and pretending that the Germans would enter France that way. By doing so, the Germans would have been breaking with their traditional route of invading France, entering through Belgium (Napoleonic Wars, Franco-Prussian War, World War I, etc.). French ignored this though, and put all their effort into these defenses.

Thomas Whiteley has submitted this addition to me:

Seven year War 1756-1763
Lost: after getting hammered by Frederick the Great of Prussia (yep, the Germans again) at Rossbach, the French were held off for the remainder of the War by Frederick of Brunswick and a hodge-podge army including some Brits. War also saw France kicked out of Canada (Wolfe at Quebec) and India (Clive at Plassey).

Richard Mann, an American in France wants to add the following:

The French consider the departure of the French from Algeria in 1962-63, after 130 years on colonialism, as a French victory and especially consider C. de Gaulle as a hero for 'leading' said victory over the unwilling French public who were very much against the departure. This ended their colonialism. About 2 million ungrateful Algerians lost their lives in this shoddy affair.