What I mainly object to is religions that claim that you have to behave in such and such a way
Society claims you have to behave in a certain way too. There are far more laws imposed on your behavior by the secular government than there are by the Church - the secular western governments by the way basing their morality on the foundation principles of Christianity it must be added. I forget where in the Bible it says you cannot construct a permanent structure in your garden over 6ft tall without permission, where it says you cannot exceed a certain speed on the roads, where it says you have to pay 40% of your income back in tax to the state.

I don't think religion has a monopoly in dictating to you how you live your life. The only difference is that religion is optional.

We can formulate moral and ethical standards of our own. We ought not to need a supernatural instruction to tell us to be good, or what being good means.
Instead we rely on punishment in this life rather than the next. The supernatural omnipresent dispenser of justice in the west in the police, the hell is prison. The difference between Christianity and secular law is that Christianity asks that you don't commit offences and that you try to be a nice person, where as secular law doesn't care how much of a monster you are as long as you stick to the rules and you don't get caught.

This is like having legs but preferring not to crawl rather than walk,
We have cars that can go 140mph easily, but the state tells you that you cannot exceed 70mph. Why are you obeying them? They're just telling you how to live your life, are they not restricting your freedom?

Secondarily, looking at the sweep of history, has religion contributed positively or negatively to the sum total of human happiness? The crusades, the inquisition, oppression, the holocaust, superstition, hellfire preachers
Nice impartial list there, list no good points. Also, how is the holocaust a negative point for religion? The Nazi part was a secular power acting AGAINST religion in their suppression of not just the Jewish faith, but also the Catholic Church. Speak to Jewish survivors of the holocaust, they will tell you that without their faith and the sense of brotherhood and unity it gave those in the concentration camps, they could not have made it. Religion does not have the monopoly on oppression.