Twilight

**Ludens** · 09-18-2005, 15:06

Originally Posted by Nevyn

Thanks for the comments Ludens and CrackedAxe, as for the spelling error and such please give me some directions.

My pleasure

. English isn't my first language either, but I'll try:

Originally Posted by Nevyn, but edited by Ludens

In that short time before the sun settles and darkness embraces the land, the time when people hurry home to light their fires and candles, trying their best to hold the darkness at bay, it is then and only then he reaches forth. Feeding on the fear and mistrust of the world, he gains strength and makes the strenuous crossover and darkness walks the land. [Not incorrect, but "darkness walks the land" should be an independent sentence. As it is, it unbalances the sentence.]
(....)
If it is his design or if it is man's way of survival... [a possessive should be spelled with an apostrophe, with the exception of its (because with an apostrophe it would become "it's", which is the abbreviation for "it is").]
(...)
Some cursed to see his work and even his very presence, a curse most fear and would have been for not, but some covet the sight. [Who is cursing? Or what is cursed?]
(....)
But he cares not, men of ambition do not deflect his path. (....) That is for the few who survive, the rest follow in his wake. [I am not sure about "follow", but from the context it appears it should be without an s. It all depends on what you mean with "rest"]. Hollowing the eternal question of "why me",
(....)
Even here the majority flee home to the safety of their mother's bosom. But some, some divert his path by walking up and laughing (?). Without fear they will ask the most innocent of questions, harvesting outrage from the wake of lost souls of the impetuousness of the child. [The "of" is gramatically wrong, but I could find no way of properly intergrating the underlined part into the sentence.] And the simplicity of the question and the innocence and fearlessness of the child often make him stop, pick the child up and carry it. The true sight of these children, people who manage to see behind the front of others, penetrate the veil of darkness he has layered around himself. [Is there something missing here?] Their eyes piercing through his mask and see who he is and what they see makes them laugh with glee.
(....)
Is this why he stops and converses with the child, because his walls have been breached. Again none knows. [Not a very pretty solution, but the "because part" needs to be in the first sentence, not the second.] All that is known is that the children all became prominent persons in their respective societies and that in the fleeting moments of conversation none dies nor fall ill. It's like he stops time itself to give this being room in his life. And he will forever remember the child, for the short time that it managed break the monotony of his walk. It is on these events that the night holds on just a bit too long as if his strength to hold back the light increased. [I know what you mean, but it was not immediatly obvious to me.] So who is this man shrouded in darkness and walking the shadows? Well, that not even the wisest can say. All that is known is that as sure as day there comes night and in the wake of shadows he walks.

Ahem, there appear to be more of them than I thought

. This is just the first paragraph, and I am sure I have missed a couple. If I may offer some advice: your story would improve in readability if you used more paragraphs.

As you see, your main problem is with verbs. It doesn't help that you chose to use such long and complex sentences either. I know they create the atmosphere you intended, but you are making it rather hard yourself.

Originally Posted by Nevyn

I actually never meant to write very much beyond the first paragraph, but after some though I believed I could make a story out of it, although a rather dark one. But I’ve bogged down.

I would like to read a story based on this, but please don't feel obligated on my account. Write only those stories you like.

Good luck with writing!