Twilight

[Mouzafphaerre]

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I like your style, the gradually thickening then lightening texture, the dark atmosphere etc. The grammar errata indicated either that English wasn't your first language, that you have clarified, or that you were American.

Please continue upon this and just keep up the pace.

Is Draxus somebody historical? I'm asking because of your and Ludens' comments.


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[Nevyn]

Glad you like it Mouzafphaerre (there’s a handful). Draxus is fiction and made up by me as is every character. I rewrote the story some and think I managed to get it in on a track I can work with. Have I succeeded? Do you find this version better than the first? Anxiously awaiting your replies.

Cheers
Nev

[Mouzafphaerre]

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Will reread it as soon as I get a sober head Nevyn.
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[Ludens]

Yes, I think you have. This is certainly one of the most intriguing stories I have seen in the Mead Hall.

The addition of paragraphs has much improved readability, but there are still some points were your writing needs to be polished. For example, I initially thought the victim of the end of the fourth paragraph was Draxus (because in a metaphorical sense he threw himself down in front of the Dark One), but it was someone else. At other points, unclarity arose out of complex sentences or wrong translation (howling, not hollowing; revealed, not reviled). Don't be a slave to the spell-checker: it doesn't know what you intend to say.

But otherwise, this is very interesting. Just pay attention to the grammar.

Please, continue!

[Nevyn]

I highly appreciate the interest Ludens, thanks for taking the time on commenting. Grammar as is plain to see is not one of my strong points. I do try to improve but it is woefully inadequate (It doesn’t matter that I might know a lot of fancy words if I don’t know where and in which order I should put them now does it ). Hopefully I’ll improve as I go along. My last paragraph ends the first part and the introduction to my story. Next I will try to guide you through my dark and twisted world where people aren’t very nice. So I think I want to explore more of the people in the world and what lurks below the “sunny” surface. I hope you’ll enjoy it. Be careful not to get too sober Mouzafphaerre, the world is a much happier place when drunk .

Cheers
Nev

[Mouzafphaerre]

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I never drink Nevyn, I had to sober up from over-tiredom.



*leaves the tab open to reread the story*
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