£25,000 Joke - Competition

[TonkaToys]

OK guys and gals, there is a competition to find the best joke running at the moment on a UK radio station; the prize is £25,000.

The best joke (has to be broadcastable on a family radio show) will be judged by Suggs from the band Madness and a UK comedian Vic Reeves.

I say we club together to judge our own best joke and submit it, then share out the cash when we inevitably win

How about the person that submits the joke that we decide is best gets 75% of the prize, and the rest is shared amongst anyone that submitted a joke?

Of course we could just submit every joke - but it is only one per person! Or you could submit your own joke at www.VirginRadio.co.uk

Competition closes on 1st Nov, so we have until 31st October to pick our best joke.

[Alexanderofmacedon]

Nice...

I wish I lived in the UK...

EDIT: Wait can people that live in the USA still participate? I entered a joke, that I think Brits will like...

[Sjakihata]

Hey alex, share the joke, dont take it all for yourself, typical american, share it dammit.

[Alexanderofmacedon]

Ok, I'll share it. Before I do, I want to let anyone with any French in them know that I love the French. I am in French class in school, and I don't have anything against them. This joke is from a friend from England. Of course they are rival nations and so it's against French. Please don't take offence.

I used it only because 25,000 pounds is a lot of money and it's a British radio station. So here goes...


What's 75,000 French men running?























Answer: The French army

[Sjakihata]

uh do I miss the point completely?

[The Stranger]

prolly cuz they deserted in ww1 atleast he thinks...LAME JOKE

[English assassin]

as its Virgin, I think something old and cheesey is sure to win. I still like this one:

"Local police have arrested a car battery and a firework. They've charged one, and let the other off."

Or

Why should you never have a beer with a snake?

They can't hold their drink.


Ahem, yes, well I'm sure we can improve on those.

[King Ragnar]

Why did'nt the Lifeguard safe the Hippy?

He was to far out man

[Sjakihata]

3 men stranded on an island, thinking no one was there. They decided to scout it out, however, they encountered a tribe, and was brought to the tribal leader. He said: "In order to keep on living, you must perform and complete a task." And he went on "go into the woods, and collect some fruits, then return here." So they did, first came Robert, with 3 peaches. He was instructed to put the fruits up his arse, without a sound and without showing emotion, or else he would die. During the process, however, he let out a whimper and was beheaded. Then came Peter with 10 cherries. Same instructions, but during the 9th cherry he started laughing, and was killed.

In the after life Robert asked Peter, "why did you begin to laugh? you had a homerun!". Peter replied, "I know, but I saw James returning with 8 pineapples."

[Alexanderofmacedon]

My friend (who is a bit immature) came up with these:


What's a bear with now teeth?

Answer: Gummi Bear

What's a dog with no legs?

Answer: It don't matter, it's not comin to you...

[TonkaToys]

Here's my effort, you;ve probably heard it before... It probably will not qualify as it is sexist...

3 blondes have been trapped on an island for days, when they come across a lamp buried in the sand. One of the blondes picks it up, thinking it will make a nice decoration for their new island home and gives it a bit of a wipe.

Whoooosh! Out pops a genie, who says in a deep intonation, "For freeing me from the lamp, I shall give you one wish each".

After dismissing thoughts of a nice dress or the latest fabulous pink lipstick, the first blonde steps forward and says, "I want to be smart enough to find a way off this island"!
With a wave of his hand, the Genie turns her into a Red-head. Without a second's pause, she tosses off her outer clothes, jumps into the water and swims to the mainland.

The second blonde steps forward and says, "I too wish to be intelligent enough to get off the island, but I want to be smarter than her"!
The Genie waves both his hands, and in a slight haze of magic the blonde is transformed into a brunette. Minutes later, and to the amazement of the third blonde, she has fashioned a rudimentary raft out of driftwood, and rows her way to the mainland.

With some trepidation, the third blonde turns to the Genie. "Oh powerful Genie, please make me more intelligent than either of the other two, so that I can get off this island".
The Genie speaks some powerful magic words and with a blinding flash the blonde turns into a... man, who immediately walked over the bridge that connects the island to the mainland.

[Ragnor_Lodbrok]

Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

[Shambles]

Im reinstating this Joke As i wont take any orders from a hypocryt.

If i offend any 1 apart from "name removed As they know who i mean" Please let me know,

And if your a mod and not prepared to remove other politically uncorect jokes.
It would probably be best to delete this your self and not tell me about it,


Why do so many black people die in wars?

becous When some 1 yells GET DOWN!
they all start dancing.
----------------------------------------

and

2 Nuts were walking through Afghanistan.

1 was shelled.
and the other was A salted,


-----
Hope these arent wasted on people :(
Try not to get offended There just Jokes.
Im not racist any way, I hate every 1 :) <------- Another Joke

[English assassin]

If we are doing blonde jokes:

A blonde walks into a department store, and sees thermos. "What's that," she asks. the shop assistant, seeing she is blonde, replies patiently "a Thermos". "What does it do," asks the blonde. "well, it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold" "Wow", says the blonde, "that could be handy, I'll buy it."

A few days later, her blonde friend comes round for tea, and sees the thermos. "What's that," asks the friend. "A thermos," replies the blonde, "it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." "Wow", says the friend, "what have you put in it?" "Two cups of coffee and a popsicle" says the blonde.

[The Stranger]

DONT BAN ME FOR THIS 1

If i offend any 1 tell me Il delete it :)

Why do so many black people die in wars??

becous when some 1 shouts GET DOWN!
they all start dancing...

----------------------------------------

and

2 Nuts were walking through Afghanistan.

1 was shelled.
and the other was A salted,


-----
Hope these arent wasted on people :(
Try not to get offended There just Jokes

you frigging black hating ******

[ArcticSonata]

Alright Joke Thread

Whats the Differrence between a blonde and a brick

When you Lay a brick it stays

[Alexanderofmacedon]

Ohhh, dang man that was harsh. Ouch...

[Craterus]

3 men stranded on an island, thinking no one was there. They decided to scout it out, however, they encountered a tribe, and was brought to the tribal leader. He said: "In order to keep on living, you must perform and complete a task." And he went on "go into the woods, and collect some fruits, then return here." So they did, first came Robert, with 3 peaches. He was instructed to put the fruits up his arse, without a sound and without showing emotion, or else he would die. During the process, however, he let out a whimper and was beheaded. Then came Peter with 10 cherries. Same instructions, but during the 9th cherry he started laughing, and was killed.

In the after life Robert asked Peter, "why did you begin to laugh? you had a homerun!". Peter replied, "I know, but I saw James returning with 8 pineapples."

That's a good one. I'm still thinking of one, I need to make sure it's a winner.

[Alexanderofmacedon]

Lol

[Beirut]

Shambles,

Delete that "joke" immediately. Posts like that lead to big trouble.

Stranger,

Please report posts like that and do not quote them. I understand your discomfort with the "joke" but it's better when we clean this stuff up in a tidy fashion.

Keep 'em clean gentlemen.

[Craterus]

I don't think Stranger had a problem with it. There's a wink after those angry smilies.

[Beirut]

I had a problem with it.

[Craterus]

Didn't say you didn't...

[Taurus]

I also have a problem with that joke and take offence from it.

[Beirut]

It's being dealt with.

Carry on with the jokes.

[Tribesman]

A baker decides to open a bread shop in Connemara after he misheard that the locals were very "into bread" .

[Alexanderofmacedon]

prolly cuz they deserted in ww1 atleast he thinks...LAME JOKE

I don't know. A friend told me it. He lives in Britain and I know they are rivals. I don't think they deserted and...

Fine, it is a lame joke

[Shambles]

Well i thought it was A funny joke, my self, "the 1 i had to delete"

And for your Information Blond jokes offend me.
There sexist,
So Delete them All You P.c Wanna be sexists!!


Or is this a nother case of I dont like Black jokes, So Im gonna warn you,.
But I dont mind Sexist biggots so You guys Carry on.

Ones as bad as the Other in my oppinion.
So if you dont mind Try to Stay Impartial, Or Stop ALL jokes that Arent "Pollitically Correct"

:)

Now Am i serious?


Well here Are Some PC jokes.


Why didn't The Skull go to the party,
Becous he had no Boddy to go with,
-------------------

2 crabs Are having a meal,
1 crab asks the other May i have your Drink.
The 2nd crab replys, "no"
to which the 1st crab says,
oh your So shelfish,

----------------

heres a classic,

3 pieces of string walk in to a bar,
The 1st asks May i have a drink.
the bar man replies, I dont Serve string get out,

The secound Pice of string then tryes the same,
The bar man replies I just told your friend I dont server string now get out,

The theird pice of string Sees this And ties him self in to a ball And messes up his hair,
then he goes to ask for a drink,

The bar man says, I keep telling you guy's I dont sereve String.
Didnt you hear me?

And the string replyes.
Im a frayed knot


---------------------

2 pieces of Tarmac "assfalt (or whatever americans call it)" Were Arguing in the bar About which one is the hardest.
When a Green pice of tarmac walks in.

They Both go quiet Untill it leaves,
the bar man ask's them .

"I thought you 2 were hard Why are you scared of that Green one?"

And they reply...

hes A cycle path.

-------------------------

Hope You Manage Not to get offended This time people
Frankly Im A little dissapointed with you.

[Duke Malcolm]

Here's a rather long joke...

Two men walk into a pub, and all the inhabitants greet the one called George, and the other asks George:
"How do all these people know you?"
George replies "Everybody knows me."
the other says "You can't know everybody."
And George challenges him "Name any person that you think I won't know, and I'll prove I know them."
And so, the other guy accepts, and says the Prime Minister.
They both go off to London, and George goes up to the police guarding, who says "Is that you George? Long time no see, mate. You off to see the PM?"
and George says "Aye, and this is my mate who doesn't believe I know everyone, so I'm proving to him that I do."
So the pair sit in No. 10, and have a cup of tea with the PM.

The next day in the pub, the other guy says "Well, you know the PM, but I bet you don't know the Queen"
And George says "What? Me and Lizzie go way back"
So the pair set off to London once again, and go to the Palace, and George gos up to one of the Scots Guardsmen at the gate who says "Evening George. You off to see the Queen today?"
and George replies "Aye, that I am. And this guy doesn't believe that I know everyone, so I'm proving it to him."
So the pair walk into the palace, and go into to State room, and the Queen is sitting there, and she says "George! I have not seen you for a while. Come and have some tea."

The next day in the pub, the other guy says "Well, there is one person you cannot know: the Pope"
To which George replies "Weesht, 'course I know the Pope. I was there when Benedict became a priest, nevermind when they Poped him."
So the pair set off to Rome, and George goes up to the Swiss Guardsman in the Vatican, who says "George? You wanting to see His Holiness? He's up on the balcony (the one at which the Pope often appears) just now, just go up and meet him."
and George says "Right, and my mate's just gonna come with me--"
and the Guardsman interrupts "Sorry mate, but he can't go up"
So George turns to the other guy and says "Right, you just wait down in the crowd and watch while I talk to the Pope"

The Other Guy is in the crowd, and he sees George up on the balcony talking away to the Pope, but for all he knows, the Pope could be telling him to bugger off. So, the Other Guy turns to a random guy next to him and says "Do you know that guy up there?"
and the random guy next to him says "What? That guy talking to George?"

[Beirut]

Well i thought it was A funny joke, my self, "the 1 i had to delete"

Or is this a nother case of I dont like Black jokes, So Im gonna warn you,.

-------------------------

Hope You Manage Not to get offended This time people
Frankly Im A little dissapointed with you.

No, it wasn't funny.

Yes, you're right, we don't like "black jokes" here, so I warned you.

If you're disappointed because we don't appreciate racist humour, then we are delighted you are disappointed.

If you have any other comments, PM me.