Battles to be remembered.......

[Feanaro]

Dear Ivan:

Our law office has been retained by the most recently deceased Khan's bereaved widow and grieving orphans. It seems that the Khan and 6000 of his closest friends were traveling to church, to attend the wedding of his beloved niece, when he was beset by churlish drunken Russian rogues who obviously were accosting him for his money and horses. Of course, the Khan fought back in self-defense, but it appears that he was overwhelmed by the heavily armed Russian thugs. The Khan, may he rest in peace, was wearing only his Sunday-best and carrying a small pair of nail clippers, so it is no surprise he was unable to properly defend himself from a well-executed ambush that exploited the fact that he is afflicted with four well-known phobias: defecaloesiophobia (fear of painful bowel movements), deipnophobia (fear of dining or dinner conversation), demophobia (fear of crowds), and Dendrophobia (a fear of trees), the last being the most relevant. We are informed that when he was initially accosted by the Russian ruffians, all of whom were wearing "I heart King Ivan" patches on their left chest plates, they initially tried to feed him several pounds of chocolate, then surrounded him and started light dinner conversation whilst steering him into the trees, before cruelly slaying him and the entire wedding party of 6,000 peace-loving Mongols. We are outraged at this behavior, and our shock to find you condone this conduct was only eclipsed by our greed and our rush to file a lawsuit against you.

Of course, the fact that these Russian fellows all identified you as the instigator and true king involved, we feel it is necessary to inform you that we will be initiating a wrongful death lawsuit on behalf of the Golden Horde (Case #43, The Successors In Interest and Bereaved Heirs of the Khan, the Golden Horde, a limited liability corporation formed in Mongolia, vs. Ivan, an individual, and The Principalities of the Russias A.G., a country, and Peasant Does 1 through 50,000). Please advise if you will accept service in Moscow by our 4000 underpaid horse archers? (Said horse archers currently work for the Khannate, but are working as individual contractors part time in the service business to earn extra florins.)

I remain,
very truly yours,
Raymond B. Disbarr
Barr, Disbarr, & Crowbarr LLP

This is the legal representative of His Most Gracious Majesty Ivan the Mildly Terrible, King of the Provinces of Russia, Archduke of Poland, Defender of the Faith, etc.

We are most displeased with news of this lawsuit. It has never been our wish to provoke enmity between the great and noble peoples of Russia and the unwashed, but brave and well dressed, barbarians of the East. We have endeavored to keep friendly relationships with all the worthy men in the worlds. His Most Gracious Majesty even provided the dowry(Two casks of the finest Russian liquors, five bushels of potatos, and one bard) for one of the Khan's great-grand nieces, thrice removed.

We can provide the eye witness reports of some eight hundred Russian soldiers and one wandering gypsy to the effect that the deceased, Khan of the Golden Horde, did not only initiate the attack that lead to his untimely death, but that he commited deeds which are almost unspeakable. His Most Gracious Majesty was most greived when he learned of how the deceased had most egregiously broken his trust.

The soldiers of the Seventh Brigade of Russia(the aforementioned eye witness soldiers) were marching their usual patrol when they chanced upon the deceased and his soldiers. These soldiers, and the gypsy, will attest that the Khan was, with malice aforethought, burning down one of our fine villages. His men did even set fire to an orphanage, funded by His Most Gracious Majesty. Said soldiers were also engaged in acts of murdering the innocent men of the town, enslaving the women, and raping the livestock. In the face of these despicable acts, it is our view that His Most Gracious Majesty's only course of action was to, in his words, "Kick the short little basterds back to Mongolia."

Despite being outnumbered and armed only with dinner forks, our brave soldiers put aside their current work(building shelters for battered women and children) and performed their duties admirably. His Most Gracious Majesty and his soldiers were most saddened that the deceased was made so in these efforts but, we hold, it was a justified course of action.

In the interests of promoting further understanding and unity between our two peoples, we are more than willing to go through the proper legal channels to settle this matter. If you and the plaintiffs wish to pursue legal action, His Most Gracious Majesty and the eye witnesses in question would be more than willing to meet in Moscow. However, we regret to inform that the horse archers of Mongolia cannot be provided for. We are currently providing boarding for refugees from the current war between the Holy Roman Empire and the French, as well as various children and abused persons.

Yours,
Vladistock Z. Kriminol
Kriminol Law Services, "Sue 'em or kill 'em, whatever is the customer's pleasure."

[jadast]

I just attacked the Horde with my Spanish army. I brought 8000 - mostly chiv knights and chiv sergeants with some pav arbs - they had over 9000 - mostly heavy cav and mongol warriors.

The 1st wave of each army was evenly matched. My chiv sergeants were tiring, my cavalry had been chopped to pieces. Their heavy cavalry were decimated and their mongol warriors were standing off shooting into the fray. My pav arbs were shooting into the line of mongol warriors. Suddenly their general was killed.

No one routs but they disengage and march quickly off screen. I watch as all the reinforcements appear on the horizon and just as quickly retreat. 10 minutes and this is over. I had expected an hour or more of constantly shifting battle.

Fortunately for me this horde army had no where to retreat and was killed when the ransom was refused. I feel cheated but now have my own over large army poised to strike into former Horde territory.

[Lars Jorgensun]

I just had an interesting battle as the Turks. I invaded hungarary with about 4000 troops. The hungarians rudhed all thier reinforcements from thier neighboring provinces, totaling about 6000. A failed english crusade slowly deterioating, another 300 men. Plus a new German crusade, about 1500 strong. I had six units of JHI's starting, a couple futuuwas and 4 demi cannons and 3 serpentines.

The battle starts and its a bridge battle with two bridges. I split my JHI's in half and move them down to gaurd the bridges. But the dumb AI's start fughting mongst themselves. And lord and behold thier entire armies are within range of my cannons. Booya! The english flee after a couple of moments, The hungarians are routed and flee without sending in any reinforcements, the germans reform and try to take the bridge but after 15 minutes of constant cannon bombardment thier numbers are weak, thier tired and scared, so my JHI's cutt them up into dog food. My monarch and his son mop up the remnants of the last great cristian army to face me. Great victory but kinda cheap too.