
Originally Posted by
Grond
Dear Ivan:
Our law office has been retained by the most recently deceased Khan's bereaved widow and grieving orphans. It seems that the Khan and 6000 of his closest friends were traveling to church, to attend the wedding of his beloved niece, when he was beset by churlish drunken Russian rogues who obviously were accosting him for his money and horses. Of course, the Khan fought back in self-defense, but it appears that he was overwhelmed by the heavily armed Russian thugs. The Khan, may he rest in peace, was wearing only his Sunday-best and carrying a small pair of nail clippers, so it is no surprise he was unable to properly defend himself from a well-executed ambush that exploited the fact that he is afflicted with four well-known phobias: defecaloesiophobia (fear of painful bowel movements), deipnophobia (fear of dining or dinner conversation), demophobia (fear of crowds), and Dendrophobia (a fear of trees), the last being the most relevant. We are informed that when he was initially accosted by the Russian ruffians, all of whom were wearing "I heart King Ivan" patches on their left chest plates, they initially tried to feed him several pounds of chocolate, then surrounded him and started light dinner conversation whilst steering him into the trees, before cruelly slaying him and the entire wedding party of 6,000 peace-loving Mongols. We are outraged at this behavior, and our shock to find you condone this conduct was only eclipsed by our greed and our rush to file a lawsuit against you.
Of course, the fact that these Russian fellows all identified you as the instigator and true king involved, we feel it is necessary to inform you that we will be initiating a wrongful death lawsuit on behalf of the Golden Horde (Case #43, The Successors In Interest and Bereaved Heirs of the Khan, the Golden Horde, a limited liability corporation formed in Mongolia, vs. Ivan, an individual, and The Principalities of the Russias A.G., a country, and Peasant Does 1 through 50,000). Please advise if you will accept service in Moscow by our 4000 underpaid horse archers? (Said horse archers currently work for the Khannate, but are working as individual contractors part time in the service business to earn extra florins.)
I remain,
very truly yours,
Raymond B. Disbarr
Barr, Disbarr, & Crowbarr LLP
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