joke option

[solypsist]

The Perfect Quarterback

The coach had put together the perfect team for the New Orleans Saints. The
only thing missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges
and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer
who could ensure a Super Bowl victory.
Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan.
In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier
with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a window
from 80 yards away. Then he threw another from 50 yards down a chimney, and
then hit a passing car going 80 miles per hour.
I've got to get this guy!" coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings the young Afghan to the States and teaches him the great game
of football ...... and sure enough the Saints go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young Afghan is hailed as a hero of football, and when the coach asks
him what he wants; all the young man wants to do is call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You deserted us.
You are not my son!"
"Mother, I don't think you understand," pleads the son, "I've just won the
greatest sporting event in the world!"
"No! let me tell you," his mother retorts. "At this very moment there are
gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two
brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to
keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses
then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to New
Orleans!"



and



Donald Rumsfeld gave the president his daily briefing which he concluded by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident"

"Oh Dear God, no!!!" George W. Bush exclaims. "That's terrible!!"

His staff sat stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president cradled his head in hands. Finally, the President, devastated, looked up and asked: "How many is a Brazillion??!"

[Franconicus]

The new Embessador of Saudia arrives in Washington and the Secretary of Foreign Affairs shows him the town. The Embessador is very pleased. At the end he says:
I have to ask you one question. My son is a big fan of Science Fiction, especially Enterprise and Star Wars. He asked me: Why are there so many people from different races like colored or Japanese but not a single Arab?
The Secretary answers: Well, that is simple. They play in the future, don't they?

[Watchman]

Soly wins the "Punchline of the week" hat.

[Geoffrey S]

Just to re-use one I posted before...

Q: Why do communists only drink herbal tea?
A: Because proper tea is theft.

[Strike For The South]

What do you call a 350 pound stripper?

Broke

[KafirChobee]

Thanks, Soly. Brazillions! LOL

"When we first heard that Dick Cheney was hunting pheasants, we thought that it might be a misspelling of 'peasants'."

Jen McClure, a PETA rep, on Cheney's hunting trop to S.Dakota

[solypsist]

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and
says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and
I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck
they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT
getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my
brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a
thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says,
"they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

[Strike For The South]

A preacher a rabbi and a priest are on a cruise ship filled with only minors. The ship veers off course and hits an iceberg. With the ship sinking the rabbi says "lets go now" the preacher yells back "what about the kids" the rabbi retortes "fu*k the kids" The priest who is visbley taken a back by this remark says "do we still have time"

[Brutus]

Although some might find the last one offensive, I think...

Anyway:

Bill Gates died. When arriving at Heaven's Gate, he encounters St. Peter. St. Peter tells him: "Bill, because I like you, I'm doing you a special favour. I'm going to show you both Heaven and Hell, and then you yourself may decide where you would like to spend eternity." "All right", says Bill Gates, "Sounds good". So Peter shows him Heaven first. Bill looks around him and sees many rather dull clouds on which a few rather boring people spend an eternity singing psalms and praising the Lord and doing rather dull stuff. After this, they go to Hell. Bill sees a big party, with all kinds of beautiful women and all the pleasures he could imagine. Peter asks: "So, where would you like to stay?" "Well," says Bill, "I rather like the sight of Hell, so I think I'll stay here." "All right", says Peter, "I leave you be then. I'll check up on you in about a week to see how it's going."
A week later, St. Peter returns to Bill Gates in Hell and asks: "And, how do you like it?" "It's horrible!", says Bill Gates, "It's awfully hot and people keep hurting me and burning me and little devils prod me with little pitchforks. It's not like you showed me at all!!" "Ah", says St. Peter. "But that was only a demo."

[Devastatin Dave]

NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee,
And a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of
the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly
stated," You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was
intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She
looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about
her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what,
you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly"

[Reverend Joe]

NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee,
And a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of
the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly
stated," You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was
intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She
looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about
her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what,
you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly"

For some reason, I didn't find that one to be as funny as I thought I should- I will say, however, that is a very good joke.

As long as we are on the subject of drunks:

Two drunks are sitting at a bar. Suddenly, one of them starts sniffing the air. He turns to the other drunk and says, "Did you just **** your pants?"

The second drunk replies, "No, I didn't!"

The two sit in silence for a little while, until finally the first drunk says, "Are you sure?"

The second drunk says, "I did not **** my pants!"

The first drunk sniffs the air again and says, "You lyin' bastard, you did! You sat right there and **** in your pants!"

The second drunk replies, "Like hell I did!"

The first drunk says, "I'll bet you twenty dollars that you **** in your pants!"

The second drunk says, "All right!"

So they go out back, and the first drunk tells the other to pull down his pants. He does so, and the first drunk points: "See? Right there! You did **** your pants!"

The second drunk replies, "Aw hell, I thought you meant today."

This joke is probably better told face to face.