joke option

[Strike For The South]

A preacher a rabbi and a priest are on a cruise ship filled with only minors. The ship veers off course and hits an iceberg. With the ship sinking the rabbi says "lets go now" the preacher yells back "what about the kids" the rabbi retortes "fu*k the kids" The priest who is visbley taken a back by this remark says "do we still have time"

[Brutus]

Although some might find the last one offensive, I think...

Anyway:

Bill Gates died. When arriving at Heaven's Gate, he encounters St. Peter. St. Peter tells him: "Bill, because I like you, I'm doing you a special favour. I'm going to show you both Heaven and Hell, and then you yourself may decide where you would like to spend eternity." "All right", says Bill Gates, "Sounds good". So Peter shows him Heaven first. Bill looks around him and sees many rather dull clouds on which a few rather boring people spend an eternity singing psalms and praising the Lord and doing rather dull stuff. After this, they go to Hell. Bill sees a big party, with all kinds of beautiful women and all the pleasures he could imagine. Peter asks: "So, where would you like to stay?" "Well," says Bill, "I rather like the sight of Hell, so I think I'll stay here." "All right", says Peter, "I leave you be then. I'll check up on you in about a week to see how it's going."
A week later, St. Peter returns to Bill Gates in Hell and asks: "And, how do you like it?" "It's horrible!", says Bill Gates, "It's awfully hot and people keep hurting me and burning me and little devils prod me with little pitchforks. It's not like you showed me at all!!" "Ah", says St. Peter. "But that was only a demo."

[Devastatin Dave]

NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee,
And a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of
the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly
stated," You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was
intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She
looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about
her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what,
you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly"

[Reverend Joe]

NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee,
And a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of
the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly
stated," You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was
intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She
looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about
her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what,
you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly"

For some reason, I didn't find that one to be as funny as I thought I should- I will say, however, that is a very good joke.

As long as we are on the subject of drunks:

Two drunks are sitting at a bar. Suddenly, one of them starts sniffing the air. He turns to the other drunk and says, "Did you just **** your pants?"

The second drunk replies, "No, I didn't!"

The two sit in silence for a little while, until finally the first drunk says, "Are you sure?"

The second drunk says, "I did not **** my pants!"

The first drunk sniffs the air again and says, "You lyin' bastard, you did! You sat right there and **** in your pants!"

The second drunk replies, "Like hell I did!"

The first drunk says, "I'll bet you twenty dollars that you **** in your pants!"

The second drunk says, "All right!"

So they go out back, and the first drunk tells the other to pull down his pants. He does so, and the first drunk points: "See? Right there! You did **** your pants!"

The second drunk replies, "Aw hell, I thought you meant today."

This joke is probably better told face to face.

[Devastatin Dave]

For some reason, I didn't find that one to be as funny as I thought I should- I will say, however, that is a very good joke.

As long as we are on the subject of drunks:

Two drunks are sitting at a bar. Suddenly, one of them starts sniffing the air. He turns to the other drunk and says, "Did you just **** your pants?"

The second drunk replies, "No, I didn't!"

The two sit in silence for a little while, until finally the first drunk says, "Are you sure?"

The second drunk says, "I did not **** my pants!"

The first drunk sniffs the air again and says, "You lyin' bastard, you did! You sat right there and **** in your pants!"

The second drunk replies, "Like hell I did!"

The first drunk says, "I'll bet you twenty dollars that you **** in your pants!"

The second drunk says, "All right!"

So they go out back, and the first drunk tells the other to pull down his pants. He does so, and the first drunk points: "See? Right there! You did **** your pants!"

The second drunk replies, "Aw hell, I thought you meant today."

This joke is probably better told face to face.

I like jokes with a good twist to it, and you can never go wrong with poo. Good one.

[Goofball]

I like jokes with a good twist to it, and you can never go wrong with poo. Good one.

I concur. Poo is funny.

[Papewaio]

"I draw the line at talking Poo"

Whats the difference between pink and purple?

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

The grip.

----

What goes black, white, black, white, black, brown?

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

A penguin on a spit.

----

The farmer goes to town so the horse and chicken play up. Running around the yard the horse gets stuck in some mud. He tells the chicken to go get the farmers BMW to pull him out. The chicken goes ahead and gets the Beamer, throws a rope out to the horse and pulls him to safety.

The next week the farmer goes to town again. The horse and chicken play in the yard and this time the chicken gets stuck in some mud. The chicken yells at the horse for him to go get the BMW to pull him out. The horse instead stradles the mud and the chicken hangs on to his member while the horse pulls him to safety.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Moral of the story: If you're hung like a horse you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.