joke option

[solypsist]

The Perfect Quarterback

The coach had put together the perfect team for the New Orleans Saints. The
only thing missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges
and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer
who could ensure a Super Bowl victory.
Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan.
In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier
with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a window
from 80 yards away. Then he threw another from 50 yards down a chimney, and
then hit a passing car going 80 miles per hour.
I've got to get this guy!" coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings the young Afghan to the States and teaches him the great game
of football ...... and sure enough the Saints go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young Afghan is hailed as a hero of football, and when the coach asks
him what he wants; all the young man wants to do is call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You deserted us.
You are not my son!"
"Mother, I don't think you understand," pleads the son, "I've just won the
greatest sporting event in the world!"
"No! let me tell you," his mother retorts. "At this very moment there are
gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two
brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to
keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses
then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to New
Orleans!"



and



Donald Rumsfeld gave the president his daily briefing which he concluded by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident"

"Oh Dear God, no!!!" George W. Bush exclaims. "That's terrible!!"

His staff sat stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president cradled his head in hands. Finally, the President, devastated, looked up and asked: "How many is a Brazillion??!"

[Franconicus]

The new Embessador of Saudia arrives in Washington and the Secretary of Foreign Affairs shows him the town. The Embessador is very pleased. At the end he says:
I have to ask you one question. My son is a big fan of Science Fiction, especially Enterprise and Star Wars. He asked me: Why are there so many people from different races like colored or Japanese but not a single Arab?
The Secretary answers: Well, that is simple. They play in the future, don't they?

[Watchman]

Soly wins the "Punchline of the week" hat.

[Geoffrey S]

Just to re-use one I posted before...

Q: Why do communists only drink herbal tea?
A: Because proper tea is theft.

[Strike For The South]

What do you call a 350 pound stripper?

Broke

[KafirChobee]

Thanks, Soly. Brazillions! LOL

"When we first heard that Dick Cheney was hunting pheasants, we thought that it might be a misspelling of 'peasants'."

Jen McClure, a PETA rep, on Cheney's hunting trop to S.Dakota

[solypsist]

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and
says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and
I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck
they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT
getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my
brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a
thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says,
"they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

[Strike For The South]

A preacher a rabbi and a priest are on a cruise ship filled with only minors. The ship veers off course and hits an iceberg. With the ship sinking the rabbi says "lets go now" the preacher yells back "what about the kids" the rabbi retortes "fu*k the kids" The priest who is visbley taken a back by this remark says "do we still have time"

[Brutus]

Although some might find the last one offensive, I think...

Anyway:

Bill Gates died. When arriving at Heaven's Gate, he encounters St. Peter. St. Peter tells him: "Bill, because I like you, I'm doing you a special favour. I'm going to show you both Heaven and Hell, and then you yourself may decide where you would like to spend eternity." "All right", says Bill Gates, "Sounds good". So Peter shows him Heaven first. Bill looks around him and sees many rather dull clouds on which a few rather boring people spend an eternity singing psalms and praising the Lord and doing rather dull stuff. After this, they go to Hell. Bill sees a big party, with all kinds of beautiful women and all the pleasures he could imagine. Peter asks: "So, where would you like to stay?" "Well," says Bill, "I rather like the sight of Hell, so I think I'll stay here." "All right", says Peter, "I leave you be then. I'll check up on you in about a week to see how it's going."
A week later, St. Peter returns to Bill Gates in Hell and asks: "And, how do you like it?" "It's horrible!", says Bill Gates, "It's awfully hot and people keep hurting me and burning me and little devils prod me with little pitchforks. It's not like you showed me at all!!" "Ah", says St. Peter. "But that was only a demo."

[Devastatin Dave]

NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee,
And a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of
the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly
stated," You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was
intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She
looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about
her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what,
you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly"

[Reverend Joe]

NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee,
And a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of
the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly
stated," You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was
intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She
looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about
her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what,
you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly"

For some reason, I didn't find that one to be as funny as I thought I should- I will say, however, that is a very good joke.

As long as we are on the subject of drunks:

Two drunks are sitting at a bar. Suddenly, one of them starts sniffing the air. He turns to the other drunk and says, "Did you just **** your pants?"

The second drunk replies, "No, I didn't!"

The two sit in silence for a little while, until finally the first drunk says, "Are you sure?"

The second drunk says, "I did not **** my pants!"

The first drunk sniffs the air again and says, "You lyin' bastard, you did! You sat right there and **** in your pants!"

The second drunk replies, "Like hell I did!"

The first drunk says, "I'll bet you twenty dollars that you **** in your pants!"

The second drunk says, "All right!"

So they go out back, and the first drunk tells the other to pull down his pants. He does so, and the first drunk points: "See? Right there! You did **** your pants!"

The second drunk replies, "Aw hell, I thought you meant today."

This joke is probably better told face to face.

[Devastatin Dave]

For some reason, I didn't find that one to be as funny as I thought I should- I will say, however, that is a very good joke.

As long as we are on the subject of drunks:

Two drunks are sitting at a bar. Suddenly, one of them starts sniffing the air. He turns to the other drunk and says, "Did you just **** your pants?"

The second drunk replies, "No, I didn't!"

The two sit in silence for a little while, until finally the first drunk says, "Are you sure?"

The second drunk says, "I did not **** my pants!"

The first drunk sniffs the air again and says, "You lyin' bastard, you did! You sat right there and **** in your pants!"

The second drunk replies, "Like hell I did!"

The first drunk says, "I'll bet you twenty dollars that you **** in your pants!"

The second drunk says, "All right!"

So they go out back, and the first drunk tells the other to pull down his pants. He does so, and the first drunk points: "See? Right there! You did **** your pants!"

The second drunk replies, "Aw hell, I thought you meant today."

This joke is probably better told face to face.

I like jokes with a good twist to it, and you can never go wrong with poo. Good one.

[Goofball]

I like jokes with a good twist to it, and you can never go wrong with poo. Good one.

I concur. Poo is funny.

[Papewaio]

"I draw the line at talking Poo"

Whats the difference between pink and purple?

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

The grip.

----

What goes black, white, black, white, black, brown?

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

A penguin on a spit.

----

The farmer goes to town so the horse and chicken play up. Running around the yard the horse gets stuck in some mud. He tells the chicken to go get the farmers BMW to pull him out. The chicken goes ahead and gets the Beamer, throws a rope out to the horse and pulls him to safety.

The next week the farmer goes to town again. The horse and chicken play in the yard and this time the chicken gets stuck in some mud. The chicken yells at the horse for him to go get the BMW to pull him out. The horse instead stradles the mud and the chicken hangs on to his member while the horse pulls him to safety.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Moral of the story: If you're hung like a horse you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

[Tricon]

All of 'em good. And true, btw.

[miho]

What's white,plastic and dangerous for children?

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Micheal Jackson

[KafirChobee]

Facts scarier than fiction:

20% of Americans believed the sun revolves around the earth.
(that is true btw - PB, Nov 2005)
17% know better, and know the earth revolves around the sun - however, they believe it happens every 24 hours.

Facts are funnier than fictitious jokes. Some Americans are just plain jokes (take Bush for instance).

How can you tell if a preist is gay?
Do tell ... and call the pope and tell him.

[Geoffrey S]

An oldie but a good one. Copy & paste...
---
Bill Clinton and the Pope died on the same day and, due to an administrative foulup, Clinton was sent to heaven and the Pope was sent to hell.

The Pope explained the situation to the devil, who checked out all of the paperwork, and the error was acknowledged. The Pope was told, however, that it would take about 24 hours to correct the error.

The next day, the Pope was called in and the devil said his good-bye to the Pope as he went off to heaven.

On his way up, the Pope met Clinton who was on his way down, and they stopped to chat.

"Sorry about the mix up," the pope says.

"No problem!" Clinton replies, always the schmoozer.

"Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven," the pontiff says.

"Why is that?" Clinton said, speaking from his experience. "It's not that big a deal. The streets aren't really paved with gold or anything."

"It's not the luxuries that matter to me," the pope replies, "it's the people there. All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary."

"Oh, sorry, your Holiness," Clinton says, suddenly feeling a bit sheepish. "But you're about a day late."

[yesdachi]

A wealthy old man decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking his
faithful aged poodle named Curly, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Curly
discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading
rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some
bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the
bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to
leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard!
I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of
terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the
leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been wat ching the whole scene from a nearby
tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him
heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must
be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and
strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here,
monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving
canine!"

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and
thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits
down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and
just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that
damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Moral of this story..

Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and
skill! Brilliance only comes with age and experience!

[Mouzafphaerre]

.
An old one, from the cold war...

The CIA administration, enraged that all of their agents are uncovered and them being unable to plant a successful spy in mother Russia, take it seriously and elect the most talented one at hand. He's given a perfect education in Russian language, various dialects and accents of it, its literature; Russian customs, culture, lifestyle et al. After a long time's hard work, the agent is a perfect Russian.

They drop him under utmost stealth near a godforsaken village in Siberia. He advances to the village and perfectly imitates a lost farmer from a remote village. They give him blankets, vodka et al and seat nearby a stove.

One of the elderly asks:

― So, you're American eh?

Shocked, the agent proclaims in his perfect Russian:

― How come?! How do you think such nonsense?

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

― Well, we don't have many black people in these parts.

.

[DemonArchangel]

LMAO at Mouzafphaerre

[Mouzafphaerre]

.
An exhibition of a Soviet painter's artist is organized in New York. Both Soviet and American diplomats show up as a sign of mutual friendship hoax. One of the Americans tell his Russian colleague:

― Honestly, excellency, I don't see anything outstanding in these paintings. They're all mediocre.

The Russian calmly replies:

― And you killed children in Vietnam!
.

[yesdachi]

Couple of good ones Mouzafphaerre!

[Mouzafphaerre]

.
Come to the chatroom for more.
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