In the Glare of the Sun

[The Shadow One]

Monk:

Sorry about the delay. I actually read this yesterday, but didn't have the time to say anything truly constructive until today.

Now, it's a Friday afternoon, the chair is comfortable, and my beer is cold. Let's take another look.

Initially, as always, you tell a good story. By that I mean specifically: (1) when I read your story I have no problem believing it (and I don't even know what a Warhammer 40k universe is), (2) I didn't find any obviously critical errors -- gaping plot holes or similar problems, etc., and (3) it help my interest for more than two or three paragraphs.

And again, as always, I note that you write well, which means I wasn't distracted by any grammatical errors or other obvious problems.

Overall, I really liked the story -- maybe because I'm a fan of good war stories. I throught conflict was well developed and I'm looking forward to what lies ahead.

Some things you may want to consider:

1. To me, your style tends to be a little flat. Your opening is good, with the explosion and the screams; your reader knows something bad is happening. But then you sort of drift into paragraph after paragraph of one event following another. You tend to explain the story rather than tell it.

2. Descriptions. One reason the story seems a little flat is because there aren't many description (I'm going to write an essay on descriptions this weekend); just a series of events, one after another. Description can help you pace a story as well as add feeling of the story. Good descriptions are the special effects of writing.

Let me give you an example:

Your paragraph.

The ship accelerated and broke through the force field of the docking bay, the forward thrusters fired slowing its speed as it sat down gently, exhaust and dust being thrown about inside. Tibernius shifted as he felt the transport set down. It was time; the voice came back over the intercom one last time, “Forward in his name! The emperor protects!” the rear ramp dropped with a creak and hit the floor of the bay with a small and the guardsmen filed out. They were the hammer of the emperor, and they would prevail. Could anything truly stop them, thought Tibernius. As he raced down the ramp with his lasrifle at the ready a contingent of Orks broke out from the opposite side of the bay and opened fire on the guard. He turned his rifle toward them and returned fire. A bright red stream filing out of his rifle as his fellow soldiers found cover behind scattered space fighters and debris. The soldier watched his beam slice through the green, muscled skin of the Ork brute leading them, yet it was nothing to the creature as it led its ‘boyz’ in a charge against the guardsmen.

Now, let's break it up a bit. We'll also add a bit of description to enhance it:

My Paragraph (a suggestion, certainly not the only way).

The ship accelerated, shuddering as it broke through the docking bay force field. Suddenly the forward thrusters fired, and the ship groaned, reluctantly slowing until it came to rest gently on the dock. Exhaust and dust clouded the windows.

Tibernius shifted in his seat. It was time.

The voice cracked the intercom one last time: "Forward in his name! The Emperor protects!"

"C'mon," one of the guardsmen said, "let's do this."

Now the rear ramp creaked, lowering quickly until it clanged against the floor of the bay. Following the noise, there was a pause of silence.

And then they appeared.

Throughout the Empire they were referred to as the Hammer of the Emperor: they were the Guardsmen. Their reputation was as impressive as their record was flawless. As they raced off the ship, Tibernius couldn't help but wonder if anything could truly stop them.

Tibernius was yanked from his musings by a flash of sparks and fire. The Guardsmen quickly assumed a defensive position, Glancing around widly, Tibernius spotted the Orks. They were firing the opposite side of the bay.

"Find cover," a voice cried.

As the Guardsmen scattered to positions of safety, Tibernius squeezed a single red stream of light out of his rifle. For a moment the chaos seemed to pause and Tibernius watched as his beam sliced through the green, muscular skin of the Ork leader.

The brute roared. With a single wave of its huge arm, it motioned its group forward. Tibernius' shot hadn't slowed the creature at all.

And chaos returned. The Guardsmen began to return fire and Tibernius dropped behind a hunk of metal that was all that remained of a space fighter's tail stabilizer. Suddenly, he felt a hand on his arm and turned to see another Guardsmen, a new man he barely knew, falling backward with a slight twist, as if grab something, and bouncing off the still extended metal ramp of the ship.

Or something like that. Okay, what have we done?

We've added more dialog -- not just dialog, but dialog that reveals emotion and helps tell the story. Rather than say: "The Guardsmen found cover," we had someone tell them -- a legitimate use of dialog.

We added some descriptions (and used some of yours ), mixing them up in smaller paragraphs. As a general rule, smaller, tighter paragraphs are helpful to convey to the reader a sense of urgency and action.

Finally we've emphasized the real theme of the story (or what I think is the real theme -- sorry if I'm wrong): Can the Guardsmen be beaten? Is this their last stand? We're not just talking about winning or loosing an engagement, we're talking about destoying a reputation. Suddenly, the conflict isn't just physical, it's emotional. The stakes have suddenly gone up, way up.

Monk, none of this means I didn't like your story. Actually, I liked it a lot. These are just some suggestions on things you might do differently.

Good luck and I look forward to seeing how this ends.

[Monk]

Thanks a bunch for replying Sword and TSO.

TSO: thanks for the suggestions. This intro was more of a trial run for my mind to see if i could really get something good down again, and imho i find it a bit sloppy as i read over it. I let words be repeated as they describe events and some things that could be really interesting, as you point out, fall flat when it comes to description.

The one thing i find when i read over most of my stories is they degenerate into being flat, one sided and not thoroughly explained, like a playing card. I'm going to take what you said and your example to heart and work on my style. indeed thank you for showing me where i can improve on, this is the feedback i was hoping for

and i'll continue this when i have time to, again thanks for the help.