Bad Analogies

[Ice]

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

[Sasaki Kojiro]

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other
sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin
sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a
play.


Even in his last years, Grandpa had a mind like a steel trap, only
one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.


The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the
interview portion of Family Fortunes.

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.


The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this
plan just might work.


The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not
eating for a while.


Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a
student
on 31p-a-pint night.


He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but
a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine
or something.


Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can
tell butter from "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."


She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes
just before it throws up.

It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had
ever seen before.


The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg
behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.


The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated
because of his
wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at
a formerly surcharge-free cashpoint.


The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating
electric fan set on medium.


It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids around
with their power tools.


He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as
if she were a dustcart reversing.

She was as easy as the Daily Star crossword.


She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was
room-temperature British beef.


She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.


Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation
thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.


It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it
to the wall.

From a similar list I saw a while ago

[Kongamato]

Reminds me of the Bulwer-Lytton contest. "The opening sentence to the worst of all possible novels".

http://www2.sjsu.edu/depts/english/2005.htm

[Zalmoxis]

Horrible... I'm gonna go read happy things now.

[doc_bean]

Most are pretty bad, but funny however, the one ajaxfetish already pointed out:

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be burried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."

is pretty awesome when used in the right context, the teacher who submitted that obviously has no love for creativity and probably rates anything a C are blow if it doesn't sound like Dickens or Shakespeare

[Duke Malcolm]

Some of them are damned imaginitive...

My favourite:

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36pm traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19pm at a speed of 35 mph.

I don't get this one, though:

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr. Pepper can.

There shouldn't be a full stop after Dr on a Dr Pepper can, anyway...

[Proletariat]

A few of those are actually the mark of a funny writer, and not a complete idiot, as the list would imply. At least I hope those students aren't so intentionally stupid.

[Louis VI the Fat]

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

Sheer brilliance, actually!

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but
a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine
or something..

This one too is either the work of a rather mediocre 15-year old, or the work of a literary genius.

[AntiochusIII]

Strange, I find most of them pretty creative. And funny.

The more outlandish an analogy is, the funnier. These things can't just stand alone; context indicates the intent, so leaving them out like that make many of them look either like really biting satire or excellent sarcarm.

A few, though, are just dumb.

[Ironside]

Weird, I've actually stumbled upon another site whom the first link is probably based on (could be the opposite, but this link actually refers to the persons sending it in, I think).
In Swedish though and they're probably taken from different places before that.
link

[Louis VI the Fat]

Weird.

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr. Pepper can.
Politikern försvann omärkligt, som punkten efter Dr. på en Dr Pepper-burk.
(Viktor Good, Malung)


Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:\flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaak/ch@ng by mistake.
Bob var lika förbryllad som en hacker som velat komma åt T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung men som istället kom åt T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung.
(Kent Karlsson, Ängelholm)


Edit: meh, who cares where they originated from. They're fun.

[KukriKhan]

There are three kinds of people in the world: Those who can count, and those who can't.

Not really an analogy, but I wanted to join in the fun. :)