Quote Originally Posted by Franconicus
I like it very much. It is very intense.
I do not think that you have a sequence were you tell through the Indian's eyes. It is a bot confusing and interrupts the story. You should have had only one view or two complete streams.
The end is great!
y'know, i thought the ending was a bit crappy, but i ran out of time! maybe i'll keep it then. i guess i had to put the Indian sequence in to describe the last moments of Custer cos i didn't think it was believable that the main character could have been close enough to see that without being immediately killed. this is an experimental version of a longer story that i plan to write involving not just the two characters already involved but also a descendant of the trooper driving to the battlefield to lay a wreath or something.

Quote Originally Posted by Ludens
Your attempt at describing the experience of a battle is well-done. However, you do put a bit too much information in too little space. This is most marked in the part described from the Indian's perspective. Also, the jumping perspective is rather confusing. I really liked the ending, though.
agreed. i guess i wanted it confusing and frenetic, just like it must have been for the troopers involved, but it needed more space and development.
thanks a lot guys, your comments have been very useful!