Well, i'm back. Sort of.

[Mikeus Caesar]

13 days later, and i'm back. I'm still not totally over the reason i left, but i decided it was time to rejoin the .Org. For now.

I guess i'd better explain to you what happened, shouldn't i?

Some of you may recall my thread of last year where i talked about my yearning to commit suicide and so on. Well, my depression has come back with a vengeance.

A few days before my recent leaving, i started cutting myself again. Only small cuts every few days, that let out barely a drop of blood. I could tell my depression was coming back, so i thought i'd better leave here until i managed to master covering it up, because i don't want to be making horribly depressing posts around here.

And so, the cutting got worse and worse, until they became large cuts, gushing with blood. Just today i did it, two large slices into my left arm. Blood all over the place.

And despite all this taking my anger out on myself, i still feel the need to commit suicide. And thus, i am currently contemplating jumping off a bridge nearby me. If i disappear completely and am not back within a month, then i'm afraid i won't be back at all.

But for now, i'm here, posting. Make the most of it

[Craterus]

Welcome back, I guess.

Go look at your old thread and see how many people care about you here. There's probably a lot of advice that could be useful there too.

I never really know what to say to people in your situation. Hang in there; things will get better.

[Ianofsmeg16]

Mikeus, mate, friend, co-orgah, listen to me now. There is no worst way to deal with your depression than cutting or harming yourself. Talk to those that love you, friends, relatives, fellow orgahs, these are the people that will get you through your depression, cutting yourself is a quitter talking, and your British for god sake, we do not quit!
If you want advice. Talk to a Doctor, Friend, or Relative, do NOT harm yourself

[Reverend Joe]

Mikeus, check your PM's... I want to say a few words to you in private.

[discovery1]

And despite all this taking my anger out on myself, i still feel the need to commit suicide. And thus, i am currently contemplating jumping off a bridge nearby me. If i disappear completely and am not back within a month, then i'm afraid i won't be back at all.

Don't do that. We would miss you terribly, and lots of others would too I imagine. Talk to your friends and familiy, they will help. And do you have any reason to be depressed and is outside your head?

[Mikeus Caesar]

Thank you all for your support. It's nice to know people care. But the problem with cutting, is it's like a drug. Once you start, you can't stop. It's just...a pleasant feeling. You can't describe it, but it just makes a nice change from the feelings of 'i hate my life'.

Pictures, anyone? You'd be amazed at the amount of blood these small cuts let out.

(intentionally haven't got [img] tags around them so you don't have to see if you don't want)

(We're happy to talk, but leave out the pics please - Beirut)

[doc_bean]

Drop the cutting, pick up masturbation, it's a much better way to 'let some pressure off' !

Now, a little more serious, I spend most of my teenage years being suicidal. I never acted on it and am glad I didn't. Believe me, life gets better. Or at the very least, more interesting. The thing that finally stopped me from feeling suicidal (well, it had probably something to do with hormones too) was the idea that I had already killed myself, 'inside', and that the rest of my life was just a ride where I could enjoy the scenery. If that makes any sense. Life gets a whole lot better if you stop thinking about things as 'bad' but instead start seeing them as 'interesting'.

[Beirut]

My man, we're here and we are happy to chat with a brother Org-ster, especially in a time of trouble.

But be clear on this - we're here for support and even a bit of sympathy, not as a punching bag for your emotions. Make the distinction and treat us as we would treat you, and don't post any more pics like you did.

We've all had troubled times in our lives, and truth be told yours can't really be any worse than anyone else's except, of course, that they're yours. We can respect that. We're here for you, we'll listen and we'll talk, we're not going anywhere. But we expect an effort out of you if you are going to involve us.

What we want to know is what you're going to do for us? What step in the right direction are you willing to take on our behalf if not your own?

[LeftEyeNine]

currywurry, man, this is getting over-repeated but I've seen the end of this life. Though I was overwhelmed with depression most of the times before that close-to-death experience, I never thought of commiting suicide, maybe I was just afraid of death.

Mankind generally does not take a step on behalf of others' advices. I don't believe that. Whatever I and other friends have said/may be saying will only create temporary relieves, if does happen. I know what you are going through indeed, these are not words from someone not aware of the pain you feel, I have to repeat.

Living a life where you can lose the sweetest thing/one the other minute, sorrow and such is not worth a penny. You and we are all alone in this mess whoever may be around you, however there are ones that make the most out of it. Life is meaningless but meaning is not what humankind is aimed at or looking for.

So first of all, decide if you want to get out of the trouble. Make sure if you really want to do it, -I know every human is worth their existence- and then go get some professional aid. Do whatever the way you are prescribed. Co-operation in such circumstances is vital. Doctors/Psychiatrists do not take you out of hell, they are all earthly beings. They 'll just help you on it. Depression re-occurs generally unless the individual does not find out the root, grab and rip it off. Psychiatric medication generally helps you build a web around you, feel numb towards what makes you feel depressed or whatever it is. Then it is up to you to evaluate this time gained. Minimum depression treatment with medicines takes 6 months longing around 2 years or maybe even more -until one feels and gets assured that he/she is fine indeed.

I took a freakin' hard time to ravel what entangled me inside. Self-deception and getting to know yourself are keys to knock such exhausting problems. And man, I gotta tell you, suicide is for the weak. Survival of the fittest still rules and I'm a bit "indifferent" to those that find suicide as a solution. It's like knocking down the case of your PC since you could not jump to the next level in a game. Too easy.

Do not get frustrated by me. I want to tell you that you are worth your life as long as you want it. If getting in the mud and not moving a finger is all one can do, it does not matter whether he/she whines about it. Let the rule take its turn.

I can't stand and watch one dwelling in such mental problems, I'll be here as long as you need some help. But this is not some child play, you'll get out of it if you're serious about it.

P.S. Those masochistic actions just don't seem right. Decide what you want to do and if you prove out to be a survivor, kick off by consulting for a professional psychiatric help as soon as possible.

[Viking]

Whatever you do, it`s your decision, but don`t haste yourself. Think through what you`re doing.

That`s all I got to say....

[Kagemusha]

Mikeus. If you are feeling suicidal,talk to others about it.Its good that you can tell about your feelings here.But if your depression turns into self mutilation.Please get professional help.You are not alone in this world with your depression.There are people that can help you out of it.But what ever you do,dont throw away your life. Suicide is never an solution,its just a wasted life.I wish you strength and my prayers are with you.

-Kage

[edyzmedieval]

You sure you're ok? Maybe a psychologist will help you out.

Oh, girls are a much pleasant activity than suicide.

[King Henry V]

Mikeus, I have always thought of you as too intelligent to commit suicide. Please don't prove me wrong.

[Viking]

That`s just...plain wrong to say, IMO.

[Evil_Maniac From Mars]

Don't do it. You're still what, a teenager? Look. However bleak life is, it's not so bad as to warrant that. DO NOT DO IT! And pick up something else instead of cutting. Or use a popsicle stick, foam, something that won't penetrate. You'll still get to do it, but it won't hurt you.

I don't mean to be too harsh here, but suicide is STUPID! You have no idea how your adult life will turn out! For all you know, you could be a long lost cousin of the Royal Family or something...

[The_Doctor]

Don't do anything like that. If you must hurt yourself, try bursting spots.

If you kill yourself, you cannot undo it, your gone forever. And you will become a sad little statistic on a piece of paper or an advert. It will be a waste of life and some unknown potential. You could do amazing things and change the world for the better.

[GoreBag]

Thank you all for your support. It's nice to know people care. But the problem with cutting, is it's like a drug. Once you start, you can't stop. It's just...a pleasant feeling. You can't describe it, but it just makes a nice change from the feelings of 'i hate my life'.

I've heard this one before. Not to sound like a jerk or anything, but how's the sex life?

[Kongamato]

I'm glad you're willing to ask for help before you do anything. There is a chance that all you want is attention, but maybe you need that. I remember being depressed and gloomy at your age, so I guess I'll try and help. Maybe my case back then is similar to yours.

I remember the last time you came in here, you scoffed at the ideas of exercise and religion. I never tried serious religion, but exercise worked. Once you put in about a month of time of serious exercise, the changes become noticeable and you'll realize that you can, indeed, see a human being in the mirror. Getting stronger made me feel better. Of course, I was grossly out of shape back then. You might be different.

I remember being very frustrated and having many violent, hate-filled fantasies involving baseball bats, powers, and fire extinguishers to the ear back then. Looking back, I think that these were generated because I was not living up to my potential, that I didn't have any power over the world. I knew I could do better. I fixed this by working hard when I got into college. Good grades make you feel like you aren't a piece of trash. Plus, this was college and I was working for me, and not for my parents. I got to stick it to them that way. By the way, do your parents help you with these problems or make them worse?

There's a theme developing here. Work at being who you always wanted to be. Except a dead guy.

I also got a few years older. My problems might have been exacerbated by the hormones.

A lot of people's personalities and attitudes are generated by their environments. Try changing yours. Delete things from your computer, watch different TV, stop watching TV, throw a bunch of old junk away, clean your room, and rearrange the furniture. If you want things to be different, something has to change.

Change is a lot less messy than suicide, plus the whole internet won't laugh at you. Suicide tells me that you don't want to be you. Don't be you then. Change yourself. You won't be or feel "fake" if you do it, either.

I remember that I got off on self-pity, and I had a few friends who did as well. I think that just made it worse. We dragged each other down, and it didn't matter that all we felt was unpleasantness, as it created group camaraderie. I remember that you had a suicidal girlfriend. Are you two suicidal so you can sympathize with each other? I don't have the right to tell you who not to see, but I don't know if much good can come from this.

Well, that's all I can remember right now. Tell me what you think if you feel the need to. Damn this post was long.

[Alexanderofmacedon]

Don't do it man. We'd all miss you man.

I hope you work things out

[Papewaio]

For all you know, you could be a long lost cousin of the Royal Family or something...

Well for me that would be a reason to top myself.

Currywurry there is so much in the world to see and do. Really huge amounts to see and do.

It is annoying when you are younger and don't have the visible means to travel and do what you want. It is also upsetting not achieving goals that seem simple and at other times it is frustrating not having enough challenges worthy of sinking your teeth into.

However there is so many fantastic things that even little old I have seen. And there are tiny little moments in which I have found the beauty in while the rest of society have rushed by missing out on it.

If you are going to cause yourself pain, I suggest you do it by doing weights... you will feel it for days afterwards if you have not done them in a while. It burns, you can barely move a muscle, you move like an old man and the pain is almost constant... as is the endorphin rush.

Or take up long distance running, train to run a marathon then you will know pain. When you are coughing up your lungs, barely able to breath and about to vomit you will feel quite euphoric when you can take a deep breath again... and you will feel better about yourself. It is something that you can control. And if you can eat up the pain you can use it to your advantage. Learn to control one thing in your life and other things will just seem to fall into place around it.

[Zalmoxis]

Welcome back. There are better ways to deal with depression than cutting yourself. Acts of violence against objects in your house, for example.

[Divinus Arma]

Yikes. Tough topic. Especially so since a community member announced his suicide over his favorite forum elsewhere.



Always remember that it is not death you seek, but escape. You don't want to die, you want your pain to end. These are very different things. If your suffering could stop, would death seem as attractive? If you could choose to be happy, wouldn't you?

If you would rather be happy than die, you are already on the right path. Do not seek death. Seek escape from your pain.

There are many ways to do this. And it begins with you. A decision to change your life. It can be better. And if you make it so, then it will be better.

Best Wishes CW. The community is always here for you.

[Evil_Maniac From Mars]

Well for me that would be a reason to top myself.

Ok, may have been a bad example...how's this?:




For all you know, you could be German or something...

I remember the last time you came in here, you scoffed at the ideas of exercise and religion. I never tried serious religion, but exercise worked.

My idea. AND IT WORKED! For me at least.

[Reenk Roink]

I don't have anything to say that hasn't been said by others, but add me to your concerned friends list...

[Uesugi Kenshin]

Mikeus don't do it.

No matter how bad things get this is all you have. Go out take a run, do something. It will help. Committing suicide is just about the worst thing that you can do with your life, especially now when you are so young. Do anything to get your mind off of whatever is depressing you, or if you are just depressed find something to occupy your mind anyway.

I can't really say that your family will help, mine didn't really help when I was somewhat depressed, but , but if things have gotten this bad it is definately best if you talk to them about it.

Also don't be ashamed to go to someone else about this, or to go to a psychotherapist, psychiatrist, or therapist (there are small differences between them...).

Whatever you do don't kill yourself, and please stop hurting yourself. You will be missed no matter how worthless you feel now. People do care about you and value you.

[Samurai Waki]

I know how you feel. Everyday the world gets a little darker, the blood in your veins turns to acid; the hatred, rage, and complete utter sadness are the only things you feel, coupled with the void you feel somewhere in your head. Its the warrior spirit mate, a blood lust, a passionate yearning to be somewhere else, or to transcend your physical being, because the life you had in this world is not the one you are meant for...
But, it is and you don't realize that yet. I fought myself day and night and day all over again for five years, because I knew in my heart at the time that things should be different. I had money, I had cars, I had girls but it was never enough to satiate my hunger. Having nothing and being young and depressed is the same as having everything and being young and depressed. Because you know in your mind that this is not the way and it never will be.

But, you grow older and if you defeat it, become stronger and wiser than you have ever been before. The lessons you are learning are the hardest you will ever take, because you are always walking the fine line between life and death and one slip could send you reeling into oblivion. Take the chance now to correct it, if you have rage punching something (not living) until your nuckles are swollen and bleeding will correct that, if you are sad no matter of happiness will ever be enough, turn that into guile and build yourself a fortune. If you are irritated read a book, or take up tailoring or something that takes a long time to do, and you will have learned patience. When you have done that for a long enough time, you will have killed yourself, but not the person you were planning on killing, the depression itself. And no matter what, wave after wave of misfortune and bad luck can never dissuade you, and depression will fuel your ambition. Those of us that do suffer from it and that have been to the very abyss of the human mind know that status quo is never good enough, you become something great, maybe for even one person, or not at all. It is your decision, be sure to choose wisely...

One more bit of advice I can give you: Never let yourself be silent.

[R'as al Ghul]

And despite all this taking my anger out on myself, i still feel the need to commit suicide. And thus, i am currently contemplating jumping off a bridge nearby me. If i disappear completely and am not back within a month, then i'm afraid i won't be back at all.

I'm not a friend of suicide. It's cowardice.
But I empathize with you and do believe that your problems are serious if you contemplate it. It's my experience that talking about the reasons for your feeling can already make you feel better because someone knows and you've uttered it. As long as you're the only one who knows the nature of your problem is a secret and you won't feel the need to change yourself. If somebody knows there's no point in hiding and chances are you will start to deal with it and change your mind.
You could talk with a relative or a friend. I don't know your age or your relation with your parents but I know from myself that my parents aren't my first choice in matters like this. Fortunately I've a girlfriend who can help me.
And you have some of the finest people, the orgahs, to help you out.
The only thing you need to do is to "confess", tell us everything. Tell us how you feel and most importantly "why?". Chances are that some of us have experienced your problems before and can share some thoughts. Of course, every individual has to find a personal way but you'd be surprised how similar our thoughts, fears and anger are. Plus, you've told someone.

Keep in touch.

[Byzantine Mercenary]

st johns wort is supposed to be good for depresion, its an ilness like any other, don't let it kill you

[Big King Sanctaphrax]

st johns wort is supposed to be good for depresion, its an ilness like any other, don't let it kill you

Or he could take, y'know...medicine that actually works...

[Geoffrey S]

Talk to people. It really, really helps if you choose the right person, don't worry about not being taken seriously; most time people can consider it an honour that you'd confide in them about such things and are more than willing to help. If it really is too hard to talk to relatives and such about this extensively, try telling us here. It might help, or it might make it easier to talk to others about your problem. But never, ever keep it to yourself, that only ends up building up pressure.

Try to take your mind off wanting to hurt yourself. I do know it's hard, but in the end you do have to break through the cycle. Force yourself to do other activities. Maybe pick up a hobby, something that takes your mind off things: Papewaio's advice of taking up a sport as a substitute to wanting to hurt yourself is certainly excellent. It's tough breaking out of such a cycle, but you have to at some point before it gets worse.

Listen to the advice of others, and take doctors and suchlike seriously. If they are to help, you have to be willing to listen.

Best wishes. And for God's sake, please don't listen to too much Nick Drake!