Well, i'm back. Sort of.

[Mikeus Caesar]

13 days later, and i'm back. I'm still not totally over the reason i left, but i decided it was time to rejoin the .Org. For now.

I guess i'd better explain to you what happened, shouldn't i?

Some of you may recall my thread of last year where i talked about my yearning to commit suicide and so on. Well, my depression has come back with a vengeance.

A few days before my recent leaving, i started cutting myself again. Only small cuts every few days, that let out barely a drop of blood. I could tell my depression was coming back, so i thought i'd better leave here until i managed to master covering it up, because i don't want to be making horribly depressing posts around here.

And so, the cutting got worse and worse, until they became large cuts, gushing with blood. Just today i did it, two large slices into my left arm. Blood all over the place.

And despite all this taking my anger out on myself, i still feel the need to commit suicide. And thus, i am currently contemplating jumping off a bridge nearby me. If i disappear completely and am not back within a month, then i'm afraid i won't be back at all.

But for now, i'm here, posting. Make the most of it

[Craterus]

Welcome back, I guess.

Go look at your old thread and see how many people care about you here. There's probably a lot of advice that could be useful there too.

I never really know what to say to people in your situation. Hang in there; things will get better.

[Ianofsmeg16]

Mikeus, mate, friend, co-orgah, listen to me now. There is no worst way to deal with your depression than cutting or harming yourself. Talk to those that love you, friends, relatives, fellow orgahs, these are the people that will get you through your depression, cutting yourself is a quitter talking, and your British for god sake, we do not quit!
If you want advice. Talk to a Doctor, Friend, or Relative, do NOT harm yourself

[Reverend Joe]

Mikeus, check your PM's... I want to say a few words to you in private.

[Mikeus Caesar]

Thank you all for your support. It's nice to know people care. But the problem with cutting, is it's like a drug. Once you start, you can't stop. It's just...a pleasant feeling. You can't describe it, but it just makes a nice change from the feelings of 'i hate my life'.

Pictures, anyone? You'd be amazed at the amount of blood these small cuts let out.

(intentionally haven't got [img] tags around them so you don't have to see if you don't want)

(We're happy to talk, but leave out the pics please - Beirut)

[doc_bean]

Drop the cutting, pick up masturbation, it's a much better way to 'let some pressure off' !

Now, a little more serious, I spend most of my teenage years being suicidal. I never acted on it and am glad I didn't. Believe me, life gets better. Or at the very least, more interesting. The thing that finally stopped me from feeling suicidal (well, it had probably something to do with hormones too) was the idea that I had already killed myself, 'inside', and that the rest of my life was just a ride where I could enjoy the scenery. If that makes any sense. Life gets a whole lot better if you stop thinking about things as 'bad' but instead start seeing them as 'interesting'.

[Beirut]

My man, we're here and we are happy to chat with a brother Org-ster, especially in a time of trouble.

But be clear on this - we're here for support and even a bit of sympathy, not as a punching bag for your emotions. Make the distinction and treat us as we would treat you, and don't post any more pics like you did.

We've all had troubled times in our lives, and truth be told yours can't really be any worse than anyone else's except, of course, that they're yours. We can respect that. We're here for you, we'll listen and we'll talk, we're not going anywhere. But we expect an effort out of you if you are going to involve us.

What we want to know is what you're going to do for us? What step in the right direction are you willing to take on our behalf if not your own?

[GoreBag]

Thank you all for your support. It's nice to know people care. But the problem with cutting, is it's like a drug. Once you start, you can't stop. It's just...a pleasant feeling. You can't describe it, but it just makes a nice change from the feelings of 'i hate my life'.

I've heard this one before. Not to sound like a jerk or anything, but how's the sex life?

[discovery1]

And despite all this taking my anger out on myself, i still feel the need to commit suicide. And thus, i am currently contemplating jumping off a bridge nearby me. If i disappear completely and am not back within a month, then i'm afraid i won't be back at all.

Don't do that. We would miss you terribly, and lots of others would too I imagine. Talk to your friends and familiy, they will help. And do you have any reason to be depressed and is outside your head?

[Viking]

Whatever you do, it`s your decision, but don`t haste yourself. Think through what you`re doing.

That`s all I got to say....

[Kagemusha]

Mikeus. If you are feeling suicidal,talk to others about it.Its good that you can tell about your feelings here.But if your depression turns into self mutilation.Please get professional help.You are not alone in this world with your depression.There are people that can help you out of it.But what ever you do,dont throw away your life. Suicide is never an solution,its just a wasted life.I wish you strength and my prayers are with you.

-Kage

[edyzmedieval]

You sure you're ok? Maybe a psychologist will help you out.

Oh, girls are a much pleasant activity than suicide.

[King Henry V]

Mikeus, I have always thought of you as too intelligent to commit suicide. Please don't prove me wrong.

[Viking]

That`s just...plain wrong to say, IMO.

[Evil_Maniac From Mars]

Don't do it. You're still what, a teenager? Look. However bleak life is, it's not so bad as to warrant that. DO NOT DO IT! And pick up something else instead of cutting. Or use a popsicle stick, foam, something that won't penetrate. You'll still get to do it, but it won't hurt you.

I don't mean to be too harsh here, but suicide is STUPID! You have no idea how your adult life will turn out! For all you know, you could be a long lost cousin of the Royal Family or something...

[The_Doctor]

Don't do anything like that. If you must hurt yourself, try bursting spots.

If you kill yourself, you cannot undo it, your gone forever. And you will become a sad little statistic on a piece of paper or an advert. It will be a waste of life and some unknown potential. You could do amazing things and change the world for the better.

[Papewaio]

For all you know, you could be a long lost cousin of the Royal Family or something...

Well for me that would be a reason to top myself.

Currywurry there is so much in the world to see and do. Really huge amounts to see and do.

It is annoying when you are younger and don't have the visible means to travel and do what you want. It is also upsetting not achieving goals that seem simple and at other times it is frustrating not having enough challenges worthy of sinking your teeth into.

However there is so many fantastic things that even little old I have seen. And there are tiny little moments in which I have found the beauty in while the rest of society have rushed by missing out on it.

If you are going to cause yourself pain, I suggest you do it by doing weights... you will feel it for days afterwards if you have not done them in a while. It burns, you can barely move a muscle, you move like an old man and the pain is almost constant... as is the endorphin rush.

Or take up long distance running, train to run a marathon then you will know pain. When you are coughing up your lungs, barely able to breath and about to vomit you will feel quite euphoric when you can take a deep breath again... and you will feel better about yourself. It is something that you can control. And if you can eat up the pain you can use it to your advantage. Learn to control one thing in your life and other things will just seem to fall into place around it.

[Kongamato]

I'm glad you're willing to ask for help before you do anything. There is a chance that all you want is attention, but maybe you need that. I remember being depressed and gloomy at your age, so I guess I'll try and help. Maybe my case back then is similar to yours.

I remember the last time you came in here, you scoffed at the ideas of exercise and religion. I never tried serious religion, but exercise worked. Once you put in about a month of time of serious exercise, the changes become noticeable and you'll realize that you can, indeed, see a human being in the mirror. Getting stronger made me feel better. Of course, I was grossly out of shape back then. You might be different.

I remember being very frustrated and having many violent, hate-filled fantasies involving baseball bats, powers, and fire extinguishers to the ear back then. Looking back, I think that these were generated because I was not living up to my potential, that I didn't have any power over the world. I knew I could do better. I fixed this by working hard when I got into college. Good grades make you feel like you aren't a piece of trash. Plus, this was college and I was working for me, and not for my parents. I got to stick it to them that way. By the way, do your parents help you with these problems or make them worse?

There's a theme developing here. Work at being who you always wanted to be. Except a dead guy.

I also got a few years older. My problems might have been exacerbated by the hormones.

A lot of people's personalities and attitudes are generated by their environments. Try changing yours. Delete things from your computer, watch different TV, stop watching TV, throw a bunch of old junk away, clean your room, and rearrange the furniture. If you want things to be different, something has to change.

Change is a lot less messy than suicide, plus the whole internet won't laugh at you. Suicide tells me that you don't want to be you. Don't be you then. Change yourself. You won't be or feel "fake" if you do it, either.

I remember that I got off on self-pity, and I had a few friends who did as well. I think that just made it worse. We dragged each other down, and it didn't matter that all we felt was unpleasantness, as it created group camaraderie. I remember that you had a suicidal girlfriend. Are you two suicidal so you can sympathize with each other? I don't have the right to tell you who not to see, but I don't know if much good can come from this.

Well, that's all I can remember right now. Tell me what you think if you feel the need to. Damn this post was long.

[Alexanderofmacedon]

Don't do it man. We'd all miss you man.

I hope you work things out

[R'as al Ghul]

And despite all this taking my anger out on myself, i still feel the need to commit suicide. And thus, i am currently contemplating jumping off a bridge nearby me. If i disappear completely and am not back within a month, then i'm afraid i won't be back at all.

I'm not a friend of suicide. It's cowardice.
But I empathize with you and do believe that your problems are serious if you contemplate it. It's my experience that talking about the reasons for your feeling can already make you feel better because someone knows and you've uttered it. As long as you're the only one who knows the nature of your problem is a secret and you won't feel the need to change yourself. If somebody knows there's no point in hiding and chances are you will start to deal with it and change your mind.
You could talk with a relative or a friend. I don't know your age or your relation with your parents but I know from myself that my parents aren't my first choice in matters like this. Fortunately I've a girlfriend who can help me.
And you have some of the finest people, the orgahs, to help you out.
The only thing you need to do is to "confess", tell us everything. Tell us how you feel and most importantly "why?". Chances are that some of us have experienced your problems before and can share some thoughts. Of course, every individual has to find a personal way but you'd be surprised how similar our thoughts, fears and anger are. Plus, you've told someone.

Keep in touch.

[Byzantine Mercenary]

st johns wort is supposed to be good for depresion, its an ilness like any other, don't let it kill you

[Big King Sanctaphrax]

st johns wort is supposed to be good for depresion, its an ilness like any other, don't let it kill you

Or he could take, y'know...medicine that actually works...

[Geoffrey S]

Talk to people. It really, really helps if you choose the right person, don't worry about not being taken seriously; most time people can consider it an honour that you'd confide in them about such things and are more than willing to help. If it really is too hard to talk to relatives and such about this extensively, try telling us here. It might help, or it might make it easier to talk to others about your problem. But never, ever keep it to yourself, that only ends up building up pressure.

Try to take your mind off wanting to hurt yourself. I do know it's hard, but in the end you do have to break through the cycle. Force yourself to do other activities. Maybe pick up a hobby, something that takes your mind off things: Papewaio's advice of taking up a sport as a substitute to wanting to hurt yourself is certainly excellent. It's tough breaking out of such a cycle, but you have to at some point before it gets worse.

Listen to the advice of others, and take doctors and suchlike seriously. If they are to help, you have to be willing to listen.

Best wishes. And for God's sake, please don't listen to too much Nick Drake!

[Byzantine Mercenary]

Or he could take, y'know...medicine that actually works...

well ive heard that it is very effective and many conventional anti depresants have side effects and are treating the symptoms rather then the cause

[LeftEyeNine]

well ive heard that it is very effective and many conventional anti depresants have side effects and are treating the symptoms rather then the cause

The cause -as long as it is not of an organic defect in the brain- can not be cured by taking a pill and sitting down on your ***. There is a general description that what is seen as "depression" is only the part of the iceberg above the water.

What's more, the anti-depressants are known to be the most suspicious drugs that really cure or not. They need intensive clinic tests with placebos to determine their efficiency before getting an approval.